Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI (32m) found dirty texts to her (27f) coworker and I don't...

I (32m) found dirty texts to her (27f) coworker and I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Apologies for the rant and possible weird formatting from the phone. Just not sure how to handle this situation.

So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. We started long distance after meeting randomly out of town. Because of this, we had zoom dates to start to see if it was even worth it.

We ended up really hitting it off and because it was long distance, we talked about dreams and goals earlier than I think we would have if she were in town. It wasn’t worth keeping that up unless we shared the same values and goals for the future (kids, marriage, house, etc.)

Fast forward and she moved out to me and I bought a house (all in my name) because we needed more space than my one bedroom apartment. Besides the typical growing pains on learning how to live together, everything seemed great. She started working as a nanny a few months after moving here but about 5 months ago picked up another job at Top Golf.

She starts making friends there right away, which is not surprising because she is a cute, likable person. Worth noting that I am not originally from here, so most of my friends are coworkers. I am happy she is making her own friends, and trying not to be the jealous boyfriend type and let her do whatever with the people she is meeting.

Her first time hanging out with someone is going to bar trivia. This guy misunderstands the intent and thinks it’s a date. She tells me right away and we laugh it off. But it’s always in the back of my head that guys there probably think she is flirting because that’s just the way she is with everybody and is part of what I love about her.

I’ve had this gut feeling for a while that something else is going on. But again, I’m trying to be a supportive boyfriend and not be paranoid. I had an ex that cheated and my mental health issues can sometimes make me worry more than I need to. So I blame it on that for a while.

But today, I did something a trusting boyfriend shouldn’t, and I used her IPad to look at a few texts with this one guy in particular from Top Golf. She talks a good amount with him, which I kinda knew, but she has not really given me a reason not to trust her other than my gut feeling. Well I read a few texts and then get upset with myself for invading her privacy, until I come across a pic of my girlfriend in a changing room trying on a dress. Fully clothed but I think it’s weird to see so I check the photos history in the text chain.

Bad idea… I find dick pics from him, and nudes from her to him. I’m at a loss of what to do here. I for one invaded her privacy, but my gut feeling turned out to be right and I feel empty inside right now. I really thought this was it, she was the one, and I was happy. She says she loves me everyday but I’m obviously doubting that now.

How do I confront her on this? I did something wrong too, but I feel like my slight is a little overshadowed by what she did and is doing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


Thanks for the advice and support everyone. Because this is so fresh, I’m feeling pretty down and not able to make a rational decision at the moment, even though it seems pretty cut and dry.

I’ve decided to schedule a therapy session later this week to get all my thoughts and feelings out there so I can better handle this. I’m not the kind of person to just kick her out and not have a discussion first. But I do realize the tactics she will use and arguments she will try to make. That’s why I think having professional help is best before I make a move on this.

Will update again when I get things sorted out in my heart and my brain.

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  1. Have never understood the, “well I snooped and found proof but it was bad for me to snoop” mentality.


    Doesn’t matter how you find out. If you want to salvage it you tell her you know and to give you a good reason why you shouldn’t kick her to the curb.

    If you no longer care then tell her it’s over and move on.

    Either way, you don’t have to justify yourself.

  2. >I find dick pics from him, and nudes from her to him. I’m at a loss of what to do here.

    How can you possibly not know what to do here? She’s cheating on you in some unresolved way with this guy, because I consider sending sex stuff to another guy as cheating and there may well be more. She’s not the person you think she is, she’s a cheat.

    The absolute only justification for snooping is when you actually find you were right to do so, it’s a nuclear option. You found out she was cheating on you. She’ll say it was a mistake, she’ll say she just went too far, she’ll say it was just flirting, she’ll lie her fucking ass off because she doesn’t want to lose what she’s got with you, just get a little bit on the side. Don’t fall for it. Dump her, kick her out, laugh about it. You just escaped spending your life with a woman who can fuck around and lie to you. Consider it an escape.

  3. She’s not worth staying with. Cheaters are going to lie and manipulate people to get what they want. The house is yours, throw her cheating ass out. She can go live with her coworker if she’s desperate enough.

  4. Pack up her stuff and tell her it is time to move out. You do not need to give her an explanation or disclose the reason why. Then block her.

    I am sorry. You deserve better than this.

  5. Frankly there is nothing to discuss. She failed the long term partner test .

    Whether they had sex yet is irrelevant. She destroyed your trust.

    You’re the luckiest guy in the world. You found out who she really is prior to marriage and kids.

    Fortunately you are not stuck with her.

    Her behavior is selfish, entitled, deceitful, and shows zero empathy for you. There’s no easy fix for someone who lacks character.

    Pack her bags today and move her to the coworker s house.

  6. Look, she’s already scared to death you’ll find out. You don’t have to tell her you snooped. She doesn’t deserve to know how.

    Just, “I know. Your shit will be packed and by the door. Let me know who will come to get it bc I never want to see your face again.”

    She’ll know you know. The how is irrelevant. She deserves ZERO closure. When she tries to beg and reason with you just say, “anything other then my shit will be picked up this time, I block. That’s it. When. Will. Your. Shit. Be. Gone.”

  7. Hi. I have been reading infidelity stories for awhile now and the one thing I have noticed is that most betrayeds seem to get a feeling, or a pull to look at a phone/ ipad or have dreams about their partners cheating and they almost always seem to be on the money.

    I don’t know if the subconscious mind is picking up on the cheating clues here and there or not; but, I don’t believe you or any other betrayed had the intentions of invading their waywards privacy.

    I almost feel your were meant to find the information to protect yourself.

    With that being said, it’s time to have a chat with your gf. She has seriously abused your trust and hospitality. She lied and probably cheated on you physically. You should get tested for STIs.

    Depending on how you feel, if you just want her to be a roommate now or just leave, I would tell her to start packing or create very strong boundaries and expectations as roommates.

    I would be afraid of giving her another chance, after all, it didn’t take her long to cheat on you. I believe you deserve better.

    Good luck, stay well.

  8. “My girlfriend cheated on me. What do I do?”

    Throw her ass out of your life lol why are there so many of these threads? Brother if she loved you she wouldn’t be showing her naked body to someone else. Retrieve your backbone from wherever you seem to have misplaced it and send her ass back to Ye Olde Streets

  9. Don’t rugsweep this. Don’t feel bad about checking. Your gut was screaming at you. You should trust your gut.

    You checked it was confirmed.

    So maybe you dont realize it but she isn’t loyal.

    Time to send her packing. ASAP.

  10. You do not need professional help.
    She has cheated on you.
    You pack all her shit up, tell her to go and live with him.
    When she complains, said she didn’t mean it, she loves you etc. tell her to stop lying, that you have seen the pictures she has sent him, and that this is the real world, where actions have consequences, and the consequence of cheating is that she doesn’t get a space in your life anymore.

    Save the therapy for dealing with the aftermath of all this.

  11. Literally the only thing I would worry about is tenant’s rights. But if they don’t exist in your jurisdiction I would take a day off from work, pack ALL her stuff, and drop it off at her work. Then BLOCK her on everything. She’s not stupid. She will know why.

  12. She is not the one, so treat her like number two and flush her from your life. She’s a cheat that has been lying straight to your face. Want to feel this way the rest of your life, cuz that’s what’s going to happen.

  13. She cheated, really difficult for any relationship to come back from that. She has not long moved in with you but she very quickly starts sending nudes to guy at work. Sorry you have had to go thru this, tell her what you found and tell her to leave.

  14. She…with a cold heart …looks you in the eyes and tells you that she loves you …all while knowing that she is building an intimate bond with another man. I can only guess they have taken it further but that is another point.

    Shes devious and how can you trust that? She’s disrespecting you and making you look like a full blown idiot (sorry to put it this way but you need to hear it).

    The trust is broken and its time to tell her to leave.

  15. There is no right to privacy in a committed relationship. Your right to feelvsafe from infidelity and suspicious behavior trumps her right to cheat.

    The best response to any issue relating to her privacy is to ignore her(do not validate ridiculous off point questions).

  16. Leave her. Tell her what you did and that you know what shes done. Shes cheating on you. Im sorry you have to go through this man she is not worth your time. Might be very hard to leave her but I can almost guarantee you its the best thing to do

  17. You need to confront her with what you found. Then tell her it’s over and she has so many days to move out. Schedule consistent therapy appointments and take care of yourself. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

  18. She is blatantly cheating on you, OP. Was it okay to go through her private messages? No, but that doesn’t matter now, what she has done is 1000x worse, and has shattered your trust into pieces. She cannot be trusted and you shouldn’t be fooled into thinking she can. Have some respect for yourself and break up with her, that trust you had is gone and will not come back, you deserve someone better.

  19. If you haven’t already, copy the texts to your phone and then confront here. Ask her if she is doing anything with him first and if she lies, show her the proof, dump her ass and move on with your life

  20. Find out how long you have to give her to vacate your home. Have a lawyer draw up the necessary paperwork. Have security cameras placed in your home. Have all her things moved from your room to a guest room. Put a lock that requires a key on your bedroom door. Put anything important like papers and anything you don’t want destroyed in there. Confront her. Tell her she has so many number of days to vacate your home. Serve her with said eviction notice. Tell her that if she tries to damage your property you will have her arrested and charged. Do not listen to her lies. In fact, have someone you trust there when you confront and make sure your security cameras are recording the whole time. Stick to your guns. Do not forgive. Do not take her back. Get her out of your life asap.

  21. She’s already done with the relationship. She doesn’t value you. She’s made that clear. Your feelings are not important to her. Don’t worry about hers.

    Kick her out. She can go sleep at golf guys place.

  22. Bro, if you stay, which is a mistake, let that lady cheat and get her back blown out in peace.

    Leaving is what any person would and should do.

    I’m glad you’re making a therapy appointment, kudos for that, but what the fuck is there to talk about? She’s about to gaslight and manipulate the fuck out of you.

    While you’re in therapy, “sorting questions out”, she’s going to be finger banging and blowing this dude.

    What the fuck are you doing?

    Again, if you stay, don’t say shit to her ever again. Don’t snoop, don’t ask, don’t do anything. Put in your cock lock and let her cheat in peace.

    If you’re smart and have any self respect, you leave. There is nothing to discuss. **She’s cheating** what can she possibly say that will make you say “oh ok, that makes sense!”.

    She knows your words are meaningless and that you’re weak. She will adapt and simply not get caught the next time. Cheaters are rarely caught the same way twice.

    Do better, man.

  23. She’s cheating on you. You’re taking a good step to try and get your head together before you confront her. Make sure you have plans in place and ready to go to move her stuff out and change the locks. Get screenshots of the pics and texts, print them up, put them in a file. Write a break up note, put it in the file. Pack up her stuff, ship it to dude’s house, with the file taped to the top of one of the boxes. Text her at work and tell her she can just head on over to her BFs house, it’s over.

  24. She’s cheating. I found pics on my ex’s phone and I ended it and we were engaged with venue, my dress etc purchased. You are worth much more. Who cares if she moved there, she can move right back. Who cares if you snooped. You found the proof. Love yourself enough to let her go. She doesn’t care enough to put you first. She doesn’t respect you at all.. you’ll be disrespecting yourself if you keep her around.. please leave this relationship!

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