This is my first story, and I apologise in advance for mistakes, english is not my first language.
I’m (21F) going to brake up with my fiance (22M) because he didn’t go to the shower for a week. It all started from small things. We been together for almost 3 years. All this time I had to parent him, clean the house, cook him dinner, even when I come back from work and he is on his day off. We split rent and all the other money stuff, but I do all the house work and its tiring. I asked him a lot of times to help me around the house or from time to time to cook dinner. For a week its all golden, but then he comes back to his old ways. He got used to his mother taking care of him all the time. The last drop of patience was, when I had to ask him to go to shower, because he stinks. Now he is at his mom for a week, because I said that I need a break. I am tired of living with a child and I think that I don’t love him anymore or maybe I am just still angry. I don’t know what to do anymore.
I already made a decision before writing this post. I am just kind of person who needs reassurance. Thank You all for supporting me.
Yeterday I asked him if he could come to me and talk. The second he left his moms house, she called me and told that I won’t be living in this apartment. But maybe its for the best because this apartment belongs to my ex’s aunt’s friend and I would have been kicked out anyway. We broke up in a friendly manner. He gave me a month to find other place to rent and said that he will help me move my stuff.
Thank You all again.
You can love someone and maintain some distance between you two. Unfortunately he is taking you for granted, treating you like Mommy v2. It’d be easier to break up now than to go through all the legalities of trying to get divorced down the road.
If you’re still contemplating about this relationship, it’s worth considering postponing the marriage. You do not need to get married “so soon”.
I personally wouldn’t marry a partner that doesnt contribute to the household and relationship, as that will build up resentment down the road.
I wish you all the best OP!
at first i was thinking maybe he is depressed but then i read the part about his mother.. that is just sad lmao. you are making the right choice
1. Your English is pretty great!
2. It sounds like he’s looking for a mom and not a wife. He’s not going to be the husband you want.
My ex was like that.
We used to had argument because he didn’t brush his teeth and would avoid the shower before going to work, just to get more sleep time.
Aswell, no cooking, not doing the grocery ( if he did, he would buy only junk food..).
I started to get enough when he stopped to use the toilet brush and…
He was overweight so it could happen he woke up in the middle of the night and needed to puke. He used to do that on the floor, not cleaning it himself except if i was harassing him to clean his mess.
Then he started to throw up in the kitchen sink. Not cleaning after himself.
It was horrific.
So YEAH, when I met a stupid guy a little bit clean, Smelling good and with a little bit of respect for me, i dumped my dirty ex, and then he complained to all his family how dishonest i was for dumping him after 10y for another boy, but hell yeah, i wanted to be a woman, not his “mother”, almost teaching him how to correctly wipe his ass.
In my opinion, it’s complicated to teach a man (18+) how to clean, to have good habits if his mother/parents didn’t do this part in their education.
I couldn’t do it, even after 10 years asking him to brush his teeth or to pay attention to his personal hygiene.
To be honest, he used to did this (shower, brushing teeth, put clean clothes) only if he was expecting intimate relationship, because he knew i would refuse him to touch me if he stunk.
Sorry to hear it, but, yeah. It’s time to bounce. I mean, what else is he expecting from you? Are you supposed to change his diaper and bottle feed him? Burp him after dinner? Yeesh, kid. And you’re thinking of marrying this train wreck?
Nah. You have better things to do with your life. I’d keep the apartment and dump the “fiancee.” There’s better out there for you.
The age that both of you are you’ll still be developing as adults. A 22 year old will not be the perfect partner or a good adult. But what you’re looking for is a partner that is willing to make effort and grow as a person. To listen to feedback and change. If you don’t see any change, and you are not happy with the person they are now then you need to leave.
break up with him, pack his stuff up and go find a roommate to help with rent. he ran to his mother who will take good care of him.
Sounds to me like you know what needs to happen, but you are asking for confirmation. Yes you need to leave him. Unless you want to keep being his parent and probably therapist in the long run as well.
Ending things can be hard, but you clearly have a bunch of valid reasons for ending this relationship. You already know what you want to do, so maybe ask yourself – why keep it going? He will never change, and you don’t want to be miserable for the rest of your life.
You deserve better and you can find someone better.
what advice are you seeking?
Seems like this was more of a declaration.
You are so young. There is something better out there for you. It’s is absolutely not your responsibility to parent your partner. He is clearly not contributing to the relationship. Get out and move on, you have your whole life ahead of you and there are men out there who won’t treat you like their mother/maid.
I’m not gonna lie to u I’ve been in his shoes exactly in all the ways u said going back the next week but if he doesn’t appreciate what U do by reciprocating the actions then either he doesn’t care about the relationship and more , is to comfortable or doesn’t realize that he’s over spoiled. Your fed up and it’s good that ur letting him understand your emotions but if he’s not gonna step up to the plate of doing what he has to do in his part be sides paying bills then move on
It’s obvious you should break up with him. If you are looking for permission, here it is.
Make a long and detailed list of all the reasons he makes you unhappy. Read the list every time you start to feel lonely and miss him.
sounds like you’re breaking up with your boyfriend because he treats you like his mom.
Break up. He won’t change
Source: ex husband didn’t change. 9 years together. Save yourself the anger and tears and 10,000 conversations about the same thing and get out
Sounds a loser to me
follow your gut on this one I’d leave too, you are so young to be settling down anyway, find someone who can take care of themselves.
You’re doing the right thing. Dump this mama’s boy and go find yourself a ***real man***.
I had a similar relationship, only he was much older than me. I never regret breaking up with him. I think you’ll only gain so much more from leaving. It’s not our jobs to baby these man children.
After 3 years , it seems like it can get worse, I would seriously consider leaving him.
Sounds like you’re raising a child not living with a partner. You need to move on this is not healthy at all
I don’t blame you, it is so massively unattractive when a partner goes all weaponised incompetence and puts you in the position of being mummy with a child instead of two adult partners and equals. It’s just gross.
You deserve better, you are not his mum, this is not what you signed up for.
Ooooh read up on codependent relationships ! Such a common thing these days, he needs to figure out how to do life by himself it sounds like before he can be in a healthy committed relationship. It’s definitely best to step away because this is incredibly unhealthy, good on you for standing your ground. In many codependent relationships, you have the over performer and the under performer, I think it’s pretty clear who is who in this situation. It happens when people don’t love themselves a lot of times, someone who didn’t take the time to “find himself” oftentimes, people jump into relationships very early on and get comfortable in a stagnant place where one isn’t forced to do much – personal growth. Which sounds like his situation..and likely your own as well, I find that I FEEL like I’m growing as an adult in those situations (I’m also an over performer) but I don’t do any internal or personal growth, I get stuck.
I was with a guy like this for four years. He kept promising he would change, but words are cheap, actions were never taken and I was his unpaid maid, even when he lost his job and I was paying for everything and eating only once per day because my salary alone was not enough to grant us more food than that and still stay housed. I had to work all day and then came home to clean all the messes he had done during the day (such as him inviting his friends that would bring beer and spill beer all over the floor and use all the glasses and not clean them) and then cook what little food we had and clean the dishes and do his laundry and mine and clean the bathroom including all the mess that his friends had made during the day. I chose living for a while with my abusive family, than staying with him, because he never would change and the proof is that later he married a woman that he turned into his maid.
Time to end it, OP. He’s not a man, he’s a child.
What made you think getting married to this guy was the right decision? Thankfully you’re reconsidering that now, before splitting up gets more complicated. But sheesh, this sounds awful and I have no clue why you’d think this is the life to settle for at 21 years old. Go and live and be young and free and have fun while it’s still deemed socially acceptable.
Yeah, he’s using you. Don’t try to make this work.
Why do people stay with terrible partners like this for so long, and still accept a proposal from them or even marry them, when from early days they’ve shown themselves to be useless shitty partners? People really need to raise their standards, know your worth folks and don’t settle for shit partners. Love is not enough, you also deserve to be treated with respect and like an equal by your partner and not like someone’s parent or maid.
Dump him, and if he threatens suicide send that text to his mom and tell her it’s her problem now
He’s not going to change. You’re forcing him to be someone he’s not. Hard change ingrained behavior. He might be good for a while and go back to his old ways.
Sounds like you’re on the right track. The next step is breaking up with him.
Not that this is any consolation, but this kind of problem (where a man expects his girlfriend/wife to mother him) isn’t rare, and many of us have been in your position before. Please listen to us as we say **he’s not going to change for you**. Plus, from your other comment, he sounds manipulative and immature (even for his age). He’s definitely not someone you should marry.
Plus, you’re both *so young* and barely figuring out your adult identities anyway. Many people who marry at your age mature into different, incompatible people and end up divorcing… or worse, they stay together and miserable with each other for the rest of their lives.
You are too young to take care of a baby and he is too old to act like one. You can break up with him and leave it open that if he matures a little into an adult you might take him back – maybe he loves you and need motivation?
Update us when you make his mom’s a his permanent residence and dump him.
Basically you are with someone who does not know what it is to be an adult, the fact that he does not take a shower is literally a teenager and seeing their ages I partly understand it since I am 22M too but I take a shower every day and help around of the house, so it is effectively a problem of immaturity.
It may be that he will change in the long run if you press him, but from your post I don’t think you have the patience and I understand if you want to brake up with him, do it, you don’t have to raise an adult like a child.
You are right.
Also, I’m of the opinion that 21 year olds shouldn’t be engaged.
He is also a man child.
Had a similar experience with an Ex. He slept at my place for over a week and just washed his hair to go to work in the morning.
Needless to say that he started to smell. Then he demanded a bj. … Just eww.
Get out of this. You dont need a manchild.
Girl run. You’re not his mother. He is an adult.
Dump him, he’s a baby and you’re his mum. Thats the relationship.
If he threatens to kill himself send a screenshot to his family members and let them deal with it. Don’t let him try and guilt you into staying, its a toxic manipulative move as old as time.
Good for you. High time to get rid of that man-child. Stop being a mother/caretaker. He’s old enough to know better.
To be quite honest with you sounds like having a really serious conversation with him needs to be set forth. If he continues to ignore your requests, then you have your answer. Not taking a shower for a week is extremely unhygienic.
Don’t become the mum who has a 5 month old and suddenly realised the husband is not helping around the house even after becoming a parent and the resentment filled up so much that now she’s considering single parenthood. People either get equal partnership on household or they don’t. These habits take ages to change! If they change at all.
You’re his girlfriend, not his mom. If you’re living together, he should be helping with everything, not waiting for you to do it or waiting for you to tell him what to do. That’s a problem a lof of my friends and I have/had. Nobody wants to clean the house, do laundry.. but you have to.
I live by myself and I told my boyfriend we are not living together until he lives by himself for a while because of this type of situation.
Smart choice. Some people wait too long excusing their partners not being self-sufficient adults.
Sounds like he is trying to drive you away, no excuse to not shower for a week. He doesn’t have the guts to break it off
Wow you’re absolutely right, you’re not his mother, kick him out
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