Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship Advicei can’t keep going on dates with my boyfriend

i can’t keep going on dates with my boyfriend

i’m 24 and he’s 33. i met him around 3 months ago, but we only recently started going on dates about 6 weeks ago. i don’t know exactly how much he makes, but he’s an electrician so it’s a lot. looking at him he just looks expensive. he’s always wearing expensive watches, he smells like expensive cologne, he doesn’t wear designer clothes or anything but he could definitely afford it if he wanted to. he literally owns a machine for warming his towels! his house is luxurious. he lives in an apartment in dc so you probably wouldn’t expect much but my god. i didn’t even know this place existed.

i, on the other hand am a waitress. i work in 2 different diners 6 days a week and i don’t even make a fourth of what (i’m assuming) he makes. i make in a year what he makes in 4 months. he’s been to my place when he drops me off usually after our dates, so you’d think he knows i don’t make that much based off my apartment.

the problem comes in on date nights. he always wants to go out to fancy, borderline black tie restaurants and i just can’t afford them. for our first date he took me to the quill. i didn’t want to be rude and expect him to pay so i insisted we split the bill and ended having to ask my sister to help me with groceries the following week. i don’t want to be rude and tell him no to the dates, but i simply can’t let him pay the bill in full without feeling guilty. i just want to stay in and order takeout or something. i don’t want to have to choose between being able to pay my bills and going on a date with him.

he told me that he had reservations for this weekend already at some restaurant i can’t even pronounce, and i’m just wondering the best way to bring this up to him.

TLDR; my boyfriend is super rich and i need advice on how to tell him to stop taking me to expensive places because i can’t afford it.



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37 COMMENTS

  1. If he invited you to an expensive restaurant he can afford one weekend, let him pay. Then invite him out to a place you can afford the next weekend and you pay.

  2. Tell him you can’t afford those types of restaurants, and you’re happy to go somewhere cheaper or stay home, but if he’d like to pay for them you’re on board.

  3. I know a couple electricians and while they make good money I can’t say they spend as much as your bf. I can’t help but wonder if he’s living beyond his means and perhaps trying to seduce you with money he doesn’t have

  4. Did you try.. I dunno.. TELLING HIM THIS?

    Communication is the most important part in a relationship and you’re failing at this miserably. That is ridiculous you couldn’t afford groceries because YOU insisted to pay half.

    Seriously.. just tell him.. it wouldn’t surprise me if he had no issue whatsoever paying it entirely himself.

    You literally struck gold by finding a well-off partner. Reap the benefits dont put yourself under pressure.

  5. If he knew that you couldn’t afford groceries because you were paying for half of an extravagant night out, I’d like to think he would be understanding. You need to explain your situation to him the way you explained it in your post. Then work out something so you can afford to go out together.

  6. Why don’t you take turns? On one date, he takes you to a place of his choosing and he pays. The next time, you pick a place in your budget and you pay. Then you’re contributing. Life (and relationships) isn’t about being equal, it’s about being fair.

  7. There was a post on “ask men” subreddit about what guys want in regards to the bill payment. It was basically unanimous that they all said: if we invited a girl out on a date, we are more than happy to pay. I also responded to someone and told them that I felt uncomfortable ordering something expensive on the menu if I knew they were paying. A couple people replied back and said: absolutely order what you want because they want us to enjoy ourselves! They wouldn’t pick a place they couldn’t afford all by themselves. Just enjoy it! And in return offer him dates doing things you love… or ones that are free. Having a picnic for example

  8. If you’re at all serious about him, then this is a perfect exercise in communication. What’s the worst that happens? The break-up your talking yourself into? The worst that can happen seems to be what you’re prepared for, so really sharing your feelings with him harms nothing.

  9. My rule of thumb is if I invite a woman to a fancy/expensive place I would never expect her to pay, it’s not a misogyny thing, it’s a not being a dick thing.

    If you guys went to the movies or something sure, one gets snacks and one gets the tickets, but when one partner wants to do expensive shit, they should be expecting to front the bill.

    As far as you and your bf, I’d just say something like “hey I love spending time with you, but I really can’t afford to keep going to these places, I appreciate you inviting me but it’s just not something I can do, could we do x instead ”

    Either he’ll be a dick or he won’t.

  10. Why the fuck would you “insist” on paying half on a date he asked you on, after *he* chose an expensive restaurant, when it put you so in the red you needed help with groceries? Especially since you’ve given no indication that he’s ever asked or expected you to pay. That’s poor money management *and* poor communication on your part, and it’s a problem entirely of your own making.

    You don’t need to be able to afford dates *he* chooses. Unless you discuss it and have another arrangement, the asker foots the bill. As others have said, you can alternate bringing him on cheaper dates, or tell him that you want fewer expensive dates, or work out other ways to make your relationship more equal overall. But if he’s got the money and he wants to spend it, just let him. He enjoys fancy restaurants, and he enjoys time with you. You don’t need to feel guilty about his choices.

    You should, however, be able to talk to your boyfriend about something as basic as your dates.

  11. Idk seems like he’s in a very different place in his life than you are. That’s part of the issue with a big age gap when you’re in your early 20s. You can offer to alternate and choose the place when you’re paying, but I’d gently suggest you consider this isn’t very thoughtful or empathetic of him. How he responds to boundaries like this will tell you a lot about who he is.

  12. Tbh you offered to pay half. So him knowing you to be an honest person would assume you can afford to pay for the thing you just offered to pay for.

    You’re gonna have to have an actual conversation about this.

  13. Communication!!!!!!!

    Tell him you dont make that mich and its hard on you to go on dates that costly. Do one daye where he takes you out somewhere and pay, then you organize one that is in your range and you pay for it fully.

    Like he can do his black tie, while youcould do cosy movie night and home cooking together or picnicking.

    But communicate first folks

  14. I’m in the same situation. 24 year old college student dating a 30 year old VP for a big company. I have always been one to try to keep things fair…but girl, just let him pay, seriously. I’m sure he knows by now you’re not a gold digger.

  15. – tell him that
    – offer “trades” for something you think is equivalent. Maybe he takes you out to this nice restaurant, and the next time you make a nice home cooked meal with wine and a dessert. Alternate. And also both of you shouldn’t feel like you always need to do anything expensive.

  16. It honestly sounds a bit like his appearance and lifestyle makes him look wealthier than he is. An electrician is a well paying, solidly middle class job, don’t get me wrong. But it is not the type of job where I would expect you to be intimidated by his wealth, especially if he’s living alone in an expensive city like DC. I am an engineer. I probably make more than he does if not roughly the same. I don’t do any of this stuff because it’s just not my lifestyle and quite frankly l cannot afford most of it. So at a certain point I think you need to view these things as lifestyle choices rather than just a reflection of him being super wealthy (which he literally isn’t unless he has familial wealth or something).

    Anyway, you need to have a conversation with him. Tell him that these super fancy places are outside of your price range. Maybe suggest other places to eat that are more in line which what you want that you can split. If he doubles down and really really wants to go to these fancy places then make it clear that he needs to pay, but you can pay if you go somewhere more reasonably priced.

    Not to dwell on the age difference, because I know Reddit will do that on its own, but I think you’re relative lack of life experience is showing a bit. I don’t think he’s “super rich”, I think it’s just a lifestyle choice to do these things and he is probably struggling to afford them more than he lets on. Don’t feel intimidated like he is this super wealthy person.

  17. Tell him you enjoy spending time with him, but your budget can’t handle the level of dates he’s been planning.

    That’s it. See how that conversation goes. Be honest that you would feel uncomfortable letting him pick up the tab all the time and you want to rethink how you both decide on your dates.

    But also, maybe let go of feeling that spending needs to be equal. It can be proportional to you income or just totally uneven. If he wants to go fancier places sometimes and pick up the check, let him. It’s not your role to choose how he spends.

  18. OP, if HE is requesting to take you to these places, then be honest.

    Tell him you don’t want to mooch but you cannot afford this places.

    I promise he will understand and he will also tell you he’s ok with paying.

    He finds you interesting and WANTS to take you to those places

    Offer to plan dates THAT YOU pay for if he offers, and your dates can be on your budget.

  19. Not sure what is up with girls these days but you CAN let him pay for you. That’s how it’s always been, plus he’s inviting you that means he’s paying. You’d rather put yourself in financial hardship than have him pay for a dinner that he invited you to? Kinda need get your priorities straight girl.

  20. You literally just need to communicate with him.

    “Hey, I really enjoy going on dates with you but I need to talk to you about it. It seems as if you are in a different place than I am financially, and while I enjoy my time with you, I cannot afford the usual places we go, and it is putting me into a financial situation that is not sustainable. I’d love to chat with you about how we can compromise on our date locations, or switch up how we choose where to go on dates or how we choose to split the bill so we can both be comfortable with everything. When I go on dates with you, I want to focus on enjoying my time with you and not worry about the bill. How does this sound to you?”

  21. You need to be honest. Tell him, “I really like you and I enjoy our time together. Unfortunately I cannot afford to continue going out to fancy restaurants. I’d be perfectly happy ordering take out. I’m sorry if this is an inconvenience, but I don’t feel right having you pay, but I simply cannot afford to continue going to fancy restaurants. I just don’t make enough.”
    You could even offer to cook for him if there are things you like to make. You have to be honest or it could cause you issues, and that isn’t fair. Good luck OP!

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