Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI don't know how else to ask for more affection.

I don’t know how else to ask for more affection.

My bf(27) and I (28f) have been dating for 6 months. When we first got together it was amazing. Our love language is touch so we were constantly holding hands, cuddling, etc. I LOVE it. I have abandonment issues which he knows and we have discussed. I try to keep in mind not to be too clingy because I know that can be annoying.

Since moving in together the touching has decreased significantly. (Which I know to be expected once the newness of a relationship wears off) I have told him that I really like to cuddle in the morning and that it helps start my day. Initially he would say anything that would make me happy he would do. But then it didn’t happen. We’re not much of morning people as neither one of us likes getting up and he would get snappy in the morning because he hasn’t had a chance to wake up, smoke and get a coffee. I’m more of a cuddle in bed for 10 minutes and then I’m ready to get up and get coffee.

We’ve discussed about the touching and cuddling and he said he will try harder. We still haven’t cuddled in the morning really and I leave for work every morning depressed.

It has been very difficult on me mentally just trying to be ok with it and not panic. I have gotten pretty upset about not being touched because I literally think I’m unlovable and no one wants me. I understand that’s not true but it’s hard to ignore the little voice saying I’m not wanted. And yes I know, work on me and my issues, I’m searching for a therapist. But how else can I ask for more physical affection without coming off as annoying?

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  1. To start, and I mean this in the kindest way possible, 100% get a therapist asap. You ARE lovable. Someone DOES want you. You need to do the work with a professional so you can have break down some of those barriers that prevent you from feeling that way and quieting that little voice. No amount of cuddles can do that, no matter how good the cuddles are (and cuddles feel fucking amazing, btw.)

    I also have touch as my number one love language. And it is very high for my partner as well, but not to the level that I typically need or want. When I tell my partner that i need more of it, I find she’s also typically response for short times and then it drifts off. Frustrating, right? And you KNOW your partner cares about you and loves you. There are two solutions for this, both to be done together. First, you have to be very clear in your conversions about what you want. As goofy as it seems, be specific. Maybe its time for a big sitdown, not an offhand convo, to get on the same page. “Hey BF. We need to talk. I know you love me, and I love you. We’ve talked on and off about physical affection, and I appreciate you trying to step up. It’s still something that can feel off at times for me. Can we talk about some specific ways in which I’d love to see that happen in our relationship? Cuddling the morning is a big thing for me, but I know you also like a smoke and a coffee. When we don’t start the day with that kind of affection, it leaves me in a terrible way and resentful of you all day. I love you and I don’t want to resent you. Maybe we can cuddle with some coffee in bed for a few minutes in the morning?”

    Second, you have to get yourself used to asking for these things. This is a hard one for me. I wish my partner would read my mind more about when I need more physical affection, but I did not marry a person with the power of reading minds, and I’m guessing you aren’t dating one either. Sometimes, as much as our partners can be thoughtful and caring people, they don’t know what we need, as they are wrapped up in their own shit sometimes. We always have to be advocates for ourselves.

    As far as not coming off as annoying or clingy, perhaps scheduling times to talk with your partner and do a “check in” on both of your feelings about things would be helpful. Taking a half hour on Saturday mornings to talk about your week, how both of you are feeling, what moments were good for you this week, and what moments you felt you needed more. That kind of structure can help you know there’s a forum to be heard while allowing you to not feel like you are being clingy by bringing something up day after day.

  2. First, what was the rush to move in together? Regardless, while it can generally be expected that relationships becoming work once the honeymoon period wears off, that doesn’t mean you’re just supposed to resign yourself to being unhappy.

    “Work” should mean both partners simply making an effort to remind each other why you fell in love to begin with. It’s not difficult.

    Regardless, how were things before you moved in together? Did he cuddle in the morning or has he always responded as you mentioned? That’s important context.

    Either way, while you already mentioned the primary action you should take, the secondary action is communication. Communication is always key. Discuss how you feel. See if there’s a sustainable compromise. If not, then unfortunately you’re learning that taking big relationship steps when you don’t know your partner is a mistake. Good luck.

  3. Can you get a cat? They would likely snuggle you every morning. Just a thought cuz he may not be able to meet that need. I understand you want physical touch specifically from him, but if it’s not possible could you try a body pillow, a weighted blanket, I already suggested a pet, afraid that’s all the suggestions I have. I wish you the best.

  4. 6 months??? And you’ve moved In together and things are declining effort wise?

    I’m unsure if you’ve moved too quickly here?

    His efforts shouldn’t be declining this early on and above all he should respect that you’ve brought it up and ACT on it. Not try – ACT.

    I’m sorry you panic about this. But it doesn’t seem like he’s putting the effort in that he should

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