Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI don’t know how to tell my partner I’m not attracted anymore.

I don’t know how to tell my partner I’m not attracted anymore.

Just wanted some advice here and maybe to vent.

I’m 23 F and been living with my 28 year old boyfriend for 4 years. He is the kindest, most loyal, loving boyfriend I’ve ever had and I love him so much. I’ve never met anyone like him and I want to spend my life with him.

Unfortunately I find myself losing sexual attraction to him…

I have no idea how to bring it up with him without breaking his heart and making him think I don’t love him. I don’t want to make him feel bad about himself but within the last 2 years he has stopped taking care of his appearance in a lot of ways.

He doesn’t brush his teeth enough and he smokes weed so his lips always taste like burnt resin, he has long hair but doesn’t wash it enough or brush it. He does shower but not enough during the week and he has gained quite a bit of weight from eating takeout all the time (despite me offering to cook and make him lunches) and sitting on his computer for long periods.

I find myself comparing him to other men I see that are fit and take good care of their appearance. I feel terrible for thinking other men are attractive it makes me feel like a shitty girlfriend but I can’t help noticing.

I really want to bring this up with him because I miss the spark we used to have and how handsome I thought he was – but I don’t want to hurt him. I love him so much and he has been there for me through my worst times and treats me so well.

Any advice and constructive criticism is welcome. Thanks for reading!

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  1. As far as his health/weight goes, the angle that worked on me from my gf was

    “I want to spend my entire life with you and grow old but I’m worried that if you dont take care of your health you’re going to die and leave me all alone, I want you to live as long as possible with me”

    That got me to takw care of myself and quit drinking and start going to the gym.

    As far as teeth and hygeine just tell him straight up his breath/he stinks and you dont wanna get close to him til he showers/brushes.

    You shouldn’t feel afraid to tell him that stuff. Everyone has B.O. Or bad breath at some point, even supermodels lol

    But as far as the weight and overall attraction… You need to find a way to tell him but not in a way thats hurtful.

  2. You’re probably going to get a lot of “leave him” comments haha.

    Just talk to him. You’re attracted to his personality and who he is, and that’s the main point. It shouldn’t be about how you’re not attracted to him.

    In other words, what is going on on his life that is making him give up on himself, as that is essentially what he is doing. What is his mental health like right now? What’s going on behind the scenes? As someone who gave up on herself, it started like eating whatever I wanted and pretending everything was fine. It was not fine.

    Don’t state it “oh I don’t find you attractive anymore” because you have no idea how damaging that is. It’s not about your feelings. You should be genuinely concerned about WHY he is being super unhealthy. That would worry me more than how I was feeling.

    Support him to make healthy life choices. Find out what is going on and if he needs some therapy.

  3. Can you come at it from a, “I’m concerned about the fact you no longer take care of yourself like you used to. I worry it’s not good for your health.”
    When he asks what you mean, explain what things have changed. He is 28, he should still be young enough to easily get back in shape IF he wants to. Sadly, some people why smoke a lot of weed become almost apathetic. It happens more with still developing brains, but it can also have a cumulative effect. I’m not saying weed is bad, it has its uses, but too much weed is bad. If it causes you not to care about your health, appearance, etc.. you are likely using too much.
    Bottom line, he will either make an effort to improve things, or he will downplay it and make excuses. If he does the latter, then you can make the decision to stay or leave with a clean conscience because you tried to communicate and make it better. Best of luck OP!

  4. Oof — the lack of basic hygiene and the constant pot smoking are screaming “depression” in this scenario. I think that’s the way to approach it. Start by telling him how he’s the kindest, best boyfriend, you love him, etc., and then tell him you are worried by the fact that he has dropped a lot of basic self-care routines (because hygiene is absolutely self-care). Be specific about the hygiene stuff, and tell him you are worried about his mental health.

    From there, it’s up to him what he wants to do. He can deny there’s a problem, or he can say he wants to make a change. If he says that, he can either take actions to make a change and get better, or he can be all talk and no action. At each of these junctures, you have to decide if the relationship is worth sticking with. Do you want to be with this guy for the rest of your life if he’s OK living exactly how he is right now (or possibly even getting worse)? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this guy if he says he wants to get better but doesn’t actually take steps to get there?

    Regardless of what your boyfriend decides to do, you have to put yourself first and decide what’s best for you. If you do decide to wait around for him to make an effort to get better, then put a deadline on it (not as an ultimatum to him, but for yourself). Because the only relationship we’re guaranteed is the one we have right now, in this moment. And if you’re not 100% happy with that, you’d better have some really good evidence that it’s going to change if you’re going to stick around. Good luck, and I hope your boyfriend is open to getting the help he clearly needs.

  5. Maybe you can bring it up as a different issue, because that seems to be what it is anyway. Why has he let himself go like this? Has he been going through a hard time? I’d phrase it as “over the last two years, you haven’t been taking care of yourself. Are you ok? Is there anything I can do to help?” Anyone would lose attraction to their partner if they weren’t brushing their teeth or showering enough, don’t feel bad.

  6. Positive reinforcement. Every time he brushes his teeth, goes to the gym, etc. tell him how great it is. “Wow, I love it when your teeth smell minty fresh, just love kissing you.” “Wow, did you just go to the gym? I love my man sweaty and working out, so sexy.” People are motivated by pleasure, that’s from our mammalian brain and encoded into each one of us. There is no better way to change his behavior than positive reinforcement, do so consistently and he’ll realize how great these things are and ultimately you are doing him a favor by bettering his life.

  7. I’d want to hear these things, if it were me in such a situation. I think being completely honest about how you’re feeling is the key. He needs to hear the truth, and then you will know how he deals with it – will he take action, and take care of himself, or continue being the nasty, smelly, pot-smoking fatty that he’s become? Seriously, he may have been the love of your life, but he isn’t anymore, not like this

  8. Seems like he’s given up, basic hygiene is essential. Either he’s too comfy with your relationship or this is a sign of things to come. Say something now or forever hold your piece. The longer you wait the worse it will be

  9. Honestly he sounds like the type of guy that will only feel motivated to change should you be 100% honest with him about every detail you stated here… it’s a very sobering experience when the love of your life starts listing ALL the reasons for the loss of attraction. Either he will course correct or claim you don’t “really” love him. Regardless, you are not happy with the way things are and should not have to force yourself to stay “in love” with him. worse comes to worse, the relationship ends but you could feels some sense of relief knowing that you did everything you can to make things better but relationships require BOTH parties to put in effort not just one.

  10. Don’t feel ashamed for demanding your partner keep themselves in good shape and maintain healthy eating habits in order to stay in the relationship. It’s ridiculous to me how people can feel so comfortable to let themselves go in their relationships and not think how it will affect their partners attraction to them. That’s selfish. Say it with love but say it in a way that’s non negotiable. “I love you and want us to be together but I also need you to make progress towards being fitter and eating healthier because if we both don’t do it then we both are going to get fat, unhealthy and unattractive as we get older”

  11. I’m sorry. But you want to spend your life with a guy who doesn’t brush his teeth. I cannot reasonably wrap my head around this. Good luck I suppose? Maybe ask him to be a functional human?

  12. As someone who has recently been on the receiving end of a breakup.. theirs never going to be a kind way to say any of this.

    However you need to be comfortable enough with each other to bring up these issues, his hygiene could be related to his mental well-being or just a sign of gaining too much comfort within your relationship. I’d suggest talking about his hygiene and any other issues first, maybe leave the sexual attraction issue out as hopefully if he starts to take more dedication with his appearance and effort, this can always come back.

    You are bound to lose your sexual attraction over the years, especially when you live together. Also it’s not wrong to find other people attractive, we’re all human and I strongly believe everyone has these thoughts, don’t beat yourself up over this.

    You can’t worry yourself too much with how he’ll react, if you’re not honest with him now and break things off later down the line.. he’ll be in a worse state knowing he could have done something to save the relationship!

    Remember, feelings change as we grow up but if you truly see a future.. make the effort and it’ll be worth it!

    Along with this, keep these issues between yourself, as involving family and friends can be nice but sometimes peoples advice can be crude and not what’s right for you.
    Only you are capable of knowing the best course of action!

    I wish you the best!

  13. I would suggest just bring up to his attention that not brushing his teeth is a big turn off for you, or when he has BO. Hopefully he gets the hint and fixes it.
    Communication is key to a successful relationship. Best wishes!

  14. bring these things up have a discussion of how you are feeling and how this is effecting you. maybe a simple reminder or a slight push will get him back on track kind of thing

  15. You’re asking a variation of one of the most common relationship questions. It basically amounts to: “how do I say xyz hurtful thing to someone without hurting their feelings?” And the answer is very straightforward and I’m sure not what you want to hear: you can’t. There is no way to say “I’m not attracted to you anymore” that isn’t going to hurt his feelings. Not if you frame it as being about his health, not if you sandwich it between compliments, not any other way. If you tell him you’re not attracted to him (or skirt around that topic but still basically say that), his feelings WILL be hurt.

    So the first step is to decide, knowing that it’s going to hurt his feelings no matter what, is that still something you want to express to him? There isn’t a right or wrong answer to this; it’s something only you can decide for your relationship.

    In either case, I do think you can and should try to talk to him about the root of the problem. A drop in hygiene like that, combined with the increase in marijuana use (which may be a form of self medication) and your situation that you mentioned in the comments makes me think that your boyfriend is struggling with his mental health. I’d guess stress, burnout, anxiety, and/or depression. In your shoes, I’d start with a conversation about how he’s feeling and doing mentally/emotionally. Reassure him that you understand and are supportive if he’s struggling. You can bring up his hygiene in that discussion from a position of concern that he’s not taking care of himself as well as before. I wouldn’t mention his weight and I wouldn’t mention attraction. If he gets his mental health in order the weight and hygiene will fix themselves. They’re symptoms, not the cause.

  16. If your boyfriend has not sought out psychological therapy and addiction counseling, if you live in the USA, just about every state and county has a department labeled at least similar to this “Department of Behavioral Health”. If he does not stick to help or choices not to get help, then you will have to decide for yourself if you will stick around. Honestly, it would not be good for your children (if you plan to have any) to be around marijuana use as it is hemp that has more CBD than THD. Marijuana has the opposite levels of same chemicals.

  17. Wow! You really are a piece of shit. Maybe communicate your concerns about his appearance with him before just dumping him for another piece of meat. You’ll go on to the next guy, get bored with him leave him on the side like this guy too

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