Saturday, April 1, 2023
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I don’t know if my boyfriend actually likes me or just wants citizenship pls help

So I met this guy this year, he’s from Japan, immediately after meeting him he was quick to say I miss you and I want to see you again yadada. Now we’re dating, he said I love you before we even started dating. My mum has brought it to my attention he might just be after a visa. I feel he is more attractive than me( I’m not ugly and obese but I’m not a skinny 10/10 white girl) and I’m honestly surprised he would be attracted TO me, he’s told me he likes white women so idk maybe he does just like me? We talk everyday and he seems so invested in what I have to say and my hobbies and likes .I’m just completely confused because I feel like it’s genuine, I see him a lot and he does not hesitate to give me physical affection in public ,money and in general lots of respect and care I just hope it’s not all fake what do I do.

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  1. There are three possibilities:

    1.) He just wants to use you for a visa
    2.) He really likes you
    3.) He really likes you and acknowledges that marrying you would be a faster way to immigrate to your country

    Which of these would be acceptable to you? If option 3 was the truth, how would that make you feel?

    Also, Japan is a rich country that doesn’t allow dual citizenship. What makes your mother think he wants to leave Japan? Does he live in your country or are you long distance?

    My advice would be to keep talking to him and get to know him more. Don’t make any rash decisions. Take it slow. Hopefully time gives you more clarity.

  2. japanese guys love white women, havent you heard of issei sagawa?/s other people have mentioned it, but it generally isnt hard for japanese people to emigrate. id be wary of your mom for assuming any foreigner is just trying to take advantage of stupid white people

  3. He doesnt need visa Japan has the most powerful visa in the world. If anyone is going to use anyone in this relationship for visa, it would be you. Japan has crazy persons to be fair. Some japanese are obsessed with white women. So be careful dont rush things go slowly.

  4. Think about your interactions with him. Does he show you an actual personality? Does he have quirks and interests and traits that make you think, “I like this guy, I feel like we could build something as two complete people who enjoy and complement each other”?

    Or is your relationship essentially just, “He is really nice and goes on and on about how great and interesting and perfect I am and how much he likes me and loves me”?

    It sounds like the latter. Which is a great way for a guy to make you **feel** like you’re in an amazing relationship with the man of your dreams, until he gets what he wants and drops the effort and then you’re not left with much.

  5. Japan has one of the most powerful visa’s in the world. I believe it’s more or equally powerful as a US visa.

    Trust me when I say that he won’t need your assistance to be a US citizen if he wants to be.

    But being in Japan, I know that Japanese guys LOVE white woman and think their the best thing in the world and would do next to anything to marry one.

    But be cautious that Japanese culture isn’t an easy one for a US born and bread person to get accustomed to. So it will be MORE work for you than him actually if it really goes further into a marriage.

  6. I dated a guy who shocked me by how romantic he was, in a way that Irish men usually find embarrassing. If it’s love bombing, try telling him what acts of affection or love you do like (maybe you could frame it with love languages?) And ask him if it’s okay if you let him know when the affection is too much?

    Usually if it’s love bombing, I find people get annoyed about you not appreciating the love they’ve given. If it’s not they will appreciate you communicating your boundaries and work on respecting them.

  7. The only way I can think of testing his genuineness is by expressing to him that marriage is not on the table for the foreseeable future.

    Marriage is the key card to securing citizenship, so someone seeking citizenship will likely try to speed up the marriage process and get married as soon as possible.

    If you say something like “I like to date as boyfriend and girlfriend until I really get to know my partner. So I don’t want to get married until we’ve been boyfriend and girlfriend for 5 years”, I imagine that would really scare off a citizenship pirate.

    That being said, if he’s a patient pirate, then he might call your bluff and be willing to wait that period of time you suggest.

    A counter to that would be to simply take marriage off the table completely. “I don’t see myself ever getting married”. That would certainly turn a citizenship pirate off!

    Another possible way of testing it is by saying you don’t want to live in your country forever and that you plan on moving elsewhere some day, like Japan. If you want to move to Japan, and he’s trying to get away from there, that might muddy things.

    The issue then is if he is genuine, then you’d have to explain that you don’t really want to move to Japan and that it was just a test.

  8. The Japanese passport is one of the best in the world. The Japanese are also very homogeneous and their citizenship is far more exclusive, as being born there doesn’t mean you’ll get it.

    I think the far more worrying thing is the fact that he told you he likes white women, which could be a fetish of his.

    If you believe it’s genuine, give it a try and see how it turns out. Citizenship is a non-issue unless you’re planning on marrying him.

  9. If he likes white women but treats you as an individual with your own personality (and not just an archetype), then it’s just a preference, not a fetish.

    Cross cultural dating or marriage is difficult though as you blend lives you will find many parts of your background give you different expectations for “normal”. In the early days of dating these are mostly exciting, but when you are serious you may find that they can cause misunderstandings or hurt feelings by accident, as well as just differences you need to have good communication and a lot of empathy for each other to resolve.

    It sounds real to me. And despite what your mom is worried about, marriage scammers usually try to push for marriage very quickly (less than a year), so if you haven’t heard *him* mention a fast marriage, immigration to the USA, or visas, odds are he’s genuine. Japan is a low risk country for this kind of thing.

  10. Citizenship to where? Where do you live? Why do you think he wants a visa?

    Japan is a pretty rad place to live in, imo. It’s not like he’s from some 3rd world country or a country at war… so when your mum said that he just wants a visa, I’m going to be like..WUT.

    ETA: How long have you guys been dating? If it’s early days…then take your time and get to know him. Time will tell what type of guy he really is.

    The “bad” thing I often heard (complaints from friends who married Japanese men–they’re GREAT during courtship but after marriage and kids…ahem…the romance died quick–a friend of mine, she’s Australian. She just got divorced with her Japanese (ex)husband over the death of ‘romance.’ He stopped treating her like a wife/lover, and just full-on put parent-busy employee-son mode. First, he moved his mother in with them, then my friend didn’t along with his mother. To make it worse, she said she had to beg him for sex after they have kids…), of course, this may not apply to your guy, OP.

  11. I use to live in japan, it can be a serious 50/50. He either wants to leave the high work and social expectations in japan for something in your country or he wants more job opportunities. OR he just really likes you, but be weary.

    Pro tip: just dating doesn’t give him citizenship, you need a ring fo dat

  12. It could be cultural difference. I am not Japanese, but I feel the dating cultures in east asian countries are in some ways similar. Some younger Chinese guys would definitely do what you described.

    give this a chance but take your time and be careful

  13. I’m going to float a possibility here, maybe he’s not after a visa but is after just you. What I mean by that is he’s admitted he likes white girls. Maybe he’s saying all these things because he wants to date A white girl, not necessarily you? The thing is I’ve spoken to Japanese people before and they’re not very into expressing themselves when it comes to love. Even their word for it, “suki” is like, not love. So I find it a bit weird that he would be so effusive, but that’s just me.

    Like others have said, give it time and see how he acts. I hope he just likes you for you.

  14. You didn’t mention how you feel about him. Do you even like him? It kind of sounds like you’re just weirded out by his behavior and not actually all that into him…

  15. Just because someone isn’t from your country doesn’t mean he wants to use you. And even if he needs the visa to stay there, if you love him what’s wrong with helping him with that process?

  16. What are yalls ages? How did you meet? What is his previous dating history? Have you met his parents in person or via FaceTime/zoom? His he more of a clingy person?

    Something I find confusing is you don’t understand why he is attracted to you? Is your self esteem low?

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