Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI just discovered my husband babytrapped me eleven years ago...

I [f32] just discovered my husband [m44] babytrapped me eleven years ago and has a pattern of reproductive coercion

When I say I just this discovered this, I don’t mean like today. But two days ago I found his blog/page on some question and answering site he more or less uses as a personal confessional or diary of sorts. And what I discovered there terrified me.

He openly describes how he baby trapped me when we first met. He was an older man, he was estranged from his first wife at the time. I was clueless and desperate, a college dropout with a baby only six months old, living with my parents. He charmed my parents. He charmed my sister, and her husband. Held my son and was so caring to us at the time. My whole family was poor and he offered to “help out”, and he followed through on that. Bought me milk, diapers, medicines, gave me expensive jewelry…

Then I got pregnant. I was just 21 and my first pregnancy had been unplanned and a c-section and I was terrified, but he talked me into keeping the baby, said he’d always help me. Said he’d marry me, that he was the love of my life, he would divorce his wife soon… and he did. He divorced her. He married me. We moved to his country and had three more kids. With his first wife he had three, he adopted my firstborn and three more; his family is rich and he has a good job through their connections, although he doesn’t do a lot to be honest but is very good at pretending to be busy.

Now in this blog he writes that he “selected” his first wife because of her intelligence; he never finished university and she went to a prestigious university and he “wanted smart children”. He poked holes in his condoms and “stealthed” her… she got pregnant. They had a shotgun marriage. Three kids and two postpartum depressions later, she leaves him. He has her diagnosed with some mental illness and ends up getting custody, with help of his family. After this he “selected” me because of my looks and me being a lot younger. Rinse, repeat.

It turns out I am just an object to him. I never felt fully at ease but I also couldn’t explain *why* I never felt fully at ease. It was just something I felt but I was constantly gaslit even by my own family and friends if I brought it up because of how generous he was and how he charmed them… I second-guessed myself a lot. Gave him the benefit of the doubt. Eventually I just sort of settled into the whole motherhood thing. Decided to give it my all. He even wrote on his blog that he was happy I had a baby already because “this time she would not think of me as the one who ruined her life, because another dude already knocked her up first”.

It’s all just so gross but I can’t stop scrolling and reading his thoughts too. There’s so, so much of it. He’s not the person I thought he was, or not the person he presented himself to be all these years. I’m a 100% sure his ex isn’t “crazy” like he portrayed her but another gaslit victim. I’m super confused and I don’t know what to do. I also don’t have a job and am a full-time mother so this is a scary situation to be in. What do I do? I don’t even know where to begin with any of this, or who to tell, or whether or not I should even tell him…

View Reddit by ThrowRAFoundAndLostView Source



  1. Go to

    Scroll down to “Save Page Now”

    Put his blog url in the search bar under this section.
    Then Select “Save”

    Do this for each post in his blog.

    This will forever archive the blog, as it exists today, on the web. Any changes he makes after today will be apparent in any future court dealings you may have with him.

  2. TAKE SCREENSHOTS OF EVERYTHING !!!!! I cannot be more emphatic on that point. GET A LAWYER NOW.

    Stealthing can be prosecuted as sexual assault or rape in certain states, if he admitted to it on his blog, make sure you have screenshots. You need to talk to a lawyer immediately to figure out what your options are going forward, ESPIECLALY FOR YOUR KIDS. This man is abusive and he will most likely abuse the children too, financially, emotionally, and maybe physically.


    I am so so sorry OP this is all disgusting. He is a disgusting gross little troll-brained man who does not deserve you or anyone else.

  3. The problem is that you are in another country and he has tons of money. Any advice is going to depend on which country this is. The fact that he was able to get custody of his first 3 children with some shady ways is concerning, because he could do the same to you, but you wouldn’t have your family in the country to fall back.

    First, I would make sure you have some very good birth control that he doesn’t know about, so you cannot get pregnant again.

    Second, I would take advantage of his money and study something, even if it’s online. If he has money, can you hire people then to take care of the house and help with childcare so you can get a degree? Then, do you know the local language well to study and get a job? [Edit: If you aren’t sure what to pursue, translator could be a good career because you must know at least 2 languages]

    Third, I’d find out about legal issues in this country. What would you be entitled to if you divorced? How can you get 50% custody? Would you receive alimony or savings or part of his assets to be able to live?

    Without a job and without family there, it’s going to be very difficult for you, so you might have to play the long here.

  4. Info: Do you have a personal bank account? Do you have cash? Will you be able to talk to a lawyer without him knowing? Did you sign a prenup? Dyou have any friends you can trust? Even if you can’t do anything about the blog, you can still get divorced. And depending on where you are there should be resources available to help you.

  5. Screenshot and save everything. Don’t let him know you found this and start socking away money where he can’t get it. Also, people, please listen to that little voice inside that says something isn’t right!

  6. The first thing you do is save all those blog posts. Print them to PDF files so you have copies. Contact your family. Send them the PDFs then ask for help in getting back home. This is why I worry so much for women who become full-time mothers with no money of job of their own. It’s an easy trap. Reach out to everyone you can for help. Good luck.

  7. Girl, if he’s rich rich. Ride it out.
    I KNOW. I KNOW. Y’all gonna downvote but hear me out..

    He’s gonna take your kids. He’s even adopted your first. He has rights to that baby too. If he has the connections you say, you won’t walk away with anything from that marriage, no alimony . If he takes the kids no child support either.

    Live your life. I’d bet he’s not even paying attention to what you’re doing.

    Take the kids on long vacations.
    Play the loving wife.
    Visit family and friends.
    Go to the spa
    Go to the mall. ALOT

    I’m not saying spend all his money. I’m saying have a good time in what’s reasonable on what y’all could afford.. as his wife what’s his is yours.

    Don’t pity yourself. Unfortunately, nobody wins when the person you’re fighting has money.

  8. step one is to get an IUD!!! If you think he’ll find out about in some way start by complaining a ton about period cramps and how you have to go see a doctor about it, and that the doctor recommended the best thing was to get an IUD. Don’t tell your family about this for now.

    Do you know the name of the first wife? Maybe she has info about this.

    Start calling womens shelters and seeing if they have available beds. If not, ask to be put on a waiting list.

    Start doing free online certificate programs. Google has a ton of free ones. You could also start making money by signing up for things like focus groups or surveys (check out sites like, although you would need to have private time to be on a video call.

  9. This post amazes me. There’s no accountability for the decisions OP has made. Seems she received a ton of benefit for being married to this man. She didn’t detail any abuse or ill will. She could have always aborted the babies, her body her choice. She made life decisions that even at a young age can have lasting effects. My friend is still in prison for something he did when he was 21. Choices have consequences, and we need to stop blaming others for choices we all have made for ourselves.

  10. One of my exs tried this. Personally I think only really disgusting people would do that. I know yall have been married for years but idk if I could stay around after that revelation

  11. You were happy before reading his blog? Is he a kind father? Is he a good husband to you? Do your children love him? Has he ever been physical with you? Are you in fear for your life? Revenge is a dish eaten cold. As someone suggested, say you are bored and need to have something to do now the kids are growing up. Learn something to take care of your future. Your love is based on a false premise, but nothing has changed except your eyes have been opened. Perhaps he’s writing fiction, who knows? Start your running away fund, but let the dust settle before you make a decision. It sounds like you will have formidable adversaries and he may do to you what he did to his wife- take the kids away. Be prepared

  12. Oh no. You gained your husband’s attention through your looks, how terryifing. And then he went on and provided for you and your baby, and all the following children, giving you as a college dropout a safe future without worries about money, is nice and caring to you and your family and even married you, hence giving you access to everything he owns, and apparently gave you no reason to complain about anything he did for the past 11 years.
    Sounds like a really terrible guy.

  13. Take screenshots of everything and store them a place only you know, send them to yourself on email or something. He might find this post, you never know. But the first thing you do is to gather the evidence. Now!! And then you contact the police or a lawyer to ask for help

  14. I would show the posts to the ppl in your life defending him and also read up about how single mothers are often targets bc of how easy it is to win everybody over (just be helpful)

    Plan your exit even if nobody helps you. Screenshot everything, get a lawyer

  15. First of all, take a breath. As long as you stay silent, it sounds like you and the kids are physically safe for the moment. THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD STAY WITH HIM, but it does mean that you can give yourself a few days to get your head on straight before you act.

    DO NOT MENTION IT TO HIM, EVER, UNTIL YOU AND THE KIDS ARE PHYSICALLY AND LEGALLY SEPARATED FROM HIM. He is a reproductive abuser, and abusers are the most dangerous when they realize their victim is trying to leave them. Use a library computer (or use an incognito tab and erase your search history) to get in touch with any nonprofit that helps domestic violence victims. They’ll know where to send you for resources, which steps you should take at each point during the process, etc.

    Also, your lack of a job is probably part of his plan to keep you socially isolated and personally broke. Please recognize that detail. The domestic violence experts can help you make a plan to get a job.

    YOU’VE GOT THIS!! If you were strong enough to care for a baby before you turned 21 (I could NEVER have done that), then you’re strong enough for this. Your children will never be fully safe with a manipulative father; they need you to be a warrior in the upcoming fight. Lean on your family (AFTER you’re safe and your husband knows), move back into their area, and put this lunatic behind you.

  16. Just get away, lot of organisations help out, get a lawyer, all contact can go through the lawyer, turn off find my phone and gps, or better get a new phone. File for divorce and get alimony and child care.

  17. Hi, I just posted this comment on the r/feminism thread, but wanted to include it here as well to ensure you see this OP:

    Hey OP, I just sat and read through the comments on your original post, and I have to agree with what most people are saying. I saw the top comment mention using a web archive for all of his blog posts. You should probably document as much as possible, so that would be a great start.

    I also read some of your concerns about your case not holding up in court because his blog has changed a significant amount of detail about you and your family. I understand your apprehension about seeking legal help because of this, however, this is exactly what a lawyer can offer you solid advice about. Your concerns are valid and it sounds like you do not have legal expertise, therefore going to a lawyer could help you figure out what options you have and where to go from here. You have to take something like this one step at a time instead of overwhelming yourself with the bigger picture. Plus, I would assume there are ways to get a search warrant for his computer(s) and/or a way for authorities to track the IP address from the site of a lawyer believes you can bring a case against your partner.

    I’m so sorry that you are going through this situation. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like, but just know that you have people here willing to help you if you need it. I don’t think it is a good idea to even entertain the thought of confronting your ex about this. From your story, it sounds like he is an extremely intelligent and manipulative man, and you could be jeopardizing your safety further if you confront him before seeking legal recourse.

    Please keep us updated if you are able!

  18. Get screenshots of everything. Find a lawyer who definitely has no connection to him and his family and get a free consultation to see what your options might be

  19. The fact that he supposedly has a blog in which he just straight up admits to committing crimes, or if it’s not technically illegal, jeopardizing his marriage and custody agreements, means this is fake.

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