Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI feel like I’m sharing my girlfriend with her male best friend...

I feel like I’m sharing my girlfriend with her male best friend and I don’t know how to shake this jealous feeling.

My girlfriend (20F) of 5 months and I (21M) have a mutual friend who she’s closer to than I am. When we hang out as a friend group, I feel like all she does is interact and laugh with him and stare deep into his eyes like I’m not even there. Which is fine, they’re close friends, but even when the two of us hang out alone- his name gets brought up multiple times talking about what he did that day and who he’s talking to etc. My anxiety has me thinking that they’re secretly into each other and I’m just the wall between them. I realize at the end of the day I am just another jealous boyfriend on this thread, but I can’t change my outlook on the situation and I don’t want my bottled up feelings to ruin this relationship- any advice or wisdom?

TL;DR- I am jealous of my girlfriend’s male best friend and I want to change my outlook on the situation.

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  1. I would try bringing it up with her. Dont be accusatory. Dont go “you like him more than me” “you’re secretly attracted to him” “you’re gonna leave me for him” bla bla bla. It will put her on the defensive and she’s not going to want to consider or listen to what you have to say.

    Instead, say “I notice you give a lot of affection and attention to your friend, which I understand because you like him, but as your boyfriend im feeling a little neglected. I would appreciate the same level of interest and attention you give to him. I want to feel desired by you and I want to feel like you’re making me a priority. Sometimes it feels like I’m second fiddle, which I know isn’t your intention, but I’d really like to have your focus on me.” Try to make it less about asking her to stop giving her friend attention, and more about her giving you more attention. I doubt she wants to feel as though she has to regulate her affection for her friend when she’s around you, and I’m sure that as long as she’s giving you equal attention, her affection for her friend won’t bother you as much.

    If you come from a place of “I’m feeling a little neglected can you satisfy this need” she’ll be much more likely to understand. We tend to like feeling that we can provide something for our partners. Remember that she’s dating you because she wants to be with you, but if she’s not giving you the love and affection you deserve you’re absolutely within your right to walk away. You deserve to be made a priority by your partner.

  2. Well there is one thing called dependency paradox. You can simply suppress your anxiety about this but it will damage your mental health, your relationship or both. The thing is that you should not supress your worries you should communicate them in a healthy way. When you do it, when you depend on your partner for sense of security, if its a healthy relationship, you will gain a new feeling of freedom.
    When you communicate your concerns, and the other person understands it, reassures you that there is nothing to worry about, and knows it doesnt come from bad place, there is only benefits. If your partner cares about you, she will make simple and short gestures to make you feel safe, while continuously not damaging her friendship. You both must understand that problem here isn’t friendship, it’s about craving closeness but not limiting the other person. Go for it… it isn’t about that friend, its about feeling of appreciation.

  3. If they’re best friends, it’s not necessarily weird that she brings him up a lot.

    The “stare deep into his eyes” part is weird. Is she actually legitimately gazing wistfully into his eyes, or is she just making eye contact to him while talking?

  4. It sounds like she could be emotionally cheating on you and not realizing it. If I was in your position, I’d be worried as well. Different sex friendships are great, but if she’s ignoring you, staring into his eyes, talking about him when he’s not there, it sounds like he is more important than you. I would not accept that.

    I would look more into emotionally cheating and then have a conversation with her about this. But don’t accuse her. Just ask how she feels.

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  6. She’s 20. Save yourself the heart/headaches and dump her. The one time I was in this situation it escalated to finding a dick pic on her phone and her refusing to block him because “I don’t want to ruin the friendship”. Plenty of fish in the sea that won’t make you feel this way

  7. Was in a similar situation, told her that his intentions are not to be just friends, but my girl (at that time) believe he is not that type of guy, and as soon as we broke up he asked her out. This is when the girl isn’t Into the male best friend, but in your case i think she’s Into him, talk to her firmly or end it imo, it’ll save you from alot of heartbreak (getting cheated on is the worst feeling) and trauma, you can always find a girl who ain’t in that situation. Stay Happy Brother 🙂

  8. It’s weird for them to do that with the gazing and all. Seems like she’s super into him but can’t have him because shes friend zoned. Could be a dead end relationship and a sign of wasting your time and best to find someone else who’ll be super into you like she is with him. Just talk to her about how you feel about it and decide on her response to it and how things change.

  9. Dude life is too short to waist time with a person that doesn’t understand how her actions make you feel. A relationship shouldn’t cause you anxiety. As a guy twice your age I’ve been there, it sucks. Can’t helped but wonder if she is cheating or has fantasies about it. You have to gauge the situation and you may have to do the hardest thing and walk away to save yourself the dragged out pain with a non healthy relationship.

  10. This is just my honest view point as a woman. In the past when I was younger, more immature. (22) I would have male best friends and know they were into me. And have a bf. But they weren’t boyfriend material for me. I’d like things about them and have a connection that I didn’t really get from my bfs at the time but at the end of the day they just weren’t the guy I wanted to date. Dunno if that helps with perspective. But if you genuinely feel uncomfortable and the relationship gives you anxiety then try talking to her. If she doesn’t see it from your perspective then end things. Because at the end of the day your peace is way more important

  11. You are no way a jealous boyfriend rather you know what is going on between them and that is why you feel this way. You do not have issue with her having a male best friend but the way they behave with each other even when you are there bothers you. This is time to set some hard boundaries in relationship that she has to respect otherwise it is time for you to end things with her over this sooner rather than later as this is not the way to be in relationship and see future with her.

  12. That’s why there are so many memes about girls with guy friends. It’s never that simple, ever, in my experience. Always invites drama. A girl I was dating had guy friends and I was suspicious, turns out I was right, she slept with two of them at various times before we met and yeah that was my boundary and I broke up.

    It’s her right but my right too, and you should think deep if you want to play the “will she, won’t she” mind game

  13. Personally, I don’t rub the close friendships I have in my partners face. Like constantly bringing up the guy in conversation? He’s on her mind a lot clearly. There’s a fine line between being jealous and having intuition.

    Would she feel comfortable if the roles were reversed?

  14. Suggest a threesome and ask her who she thinks would be a good fit, see if he is the first guy she thinks of. If he is really a good friend, his name would be the last she would use. If she is attracted to him, she will say his name, then you will know for sure.

  15. You should really talk to her. There was a guy on reddit, and his gf of 8 years cheated on him all those years with her male friend. And right when he wanted to propose to her she said no because she loves her male friend and not him. Everyone knew about the cheating and no one told him. And she is even pregnant with the male friend’s baby.

    I dont want that to happen to you so you better talk to her.

  16. Sorry, that’s just not normal “just friends” behavior. You are right to feel something “off” about that.
    I suggest you tell her the way you feel and give her a bit of an ultimatum, to “cool it” with him or you will re evaluate your relationship.
    I would not put up with that behavior!!

  17. If your girlfriend is flirting with the guy right in front of you, it doesn’t make you the bad guy for noticing. If she’s ignoring you to pay attention to him that’s definitely not a good sign. I hate the way labeling someone as a “friend” makes people think they can behave in a totally inappropriate manner and get mad when their SO objects.

    Tell her the way she behaves with the “friend” makes you uncomfortable. Be specific. Tell her you’re not trying to control her but you’re getting the distinct impression she’s into him amd if that’s the case, you’re prepared to step aside but you won’t tolerate the flirtation any longer. If people want to be trusted, they have to behave in a trustworthy manner.

  18. Bro ion know what these other people are talking about but I know as man, some shit can’t fly like that, them being closer when it’s y’all 3 hanging out. like ain’t that your girl friend, how is that even allowed to happen that your jealous of another guy with your girl, like what he doing ya not. and bring him up all the time that’s sus, and Ik if this was reverse, you wouldn’t hear the end of it, like imagine you constantly bringing up another girl to your girlfriend, that’s just weird it’s like why, they gotta be a reason gang. I know me personally I wouldn’t do that out of respect of my girl, don’t just write yourself as the jealous boyfriend your feelings are validated, like looking deep into each other’s eyes is crazy, when your get into a relationship your making a promise of exclusivity certain things only you and your girl do that’s what makes it special, I’d just say don’t over react, pay attention try to get down to this, bring it up calmly don’t be emotional and if she reassures you it’s nothing but something still don’t feel right, do what you gotta do, don’t be that guy that’s been getting cheated for a while and ignored red flags, and like I said if roles were reverse you know she wouldn’t like it, tbh bring it up and tell her to respect your relationship so she cut out the shit you don’t like and depending on her reaction like if she gets mad cuz she already knew him and they are close basically not respecting your feelings which you are not wrong for feeling that way, she’s either cheating or just an L girlfriend and get you a new one.

  19. For how long have they been best friends?

    If they have grown up together they could have developed some kind of sibling like relationship with him something like the big brother. Naturally she’d seek out his advice and would be concerned for his well being without being attracted to him.

    Or your girlfriend is attracted to him but since they know each other for so long she hasn’t admited to herself that her feelings for him a more than just friendly – or she fears that admiting them might ruin their friendship.

    Either way: You are in a complicated situation where you have to tread carefully. You should talk to your girlfriend about her relationship with her friend. Tell her how it makes you feel but try not to accuse her of anything. That will only push her away. Don’t try to cut him out of her life – the more you antagonize him the more you antagonize her.

    Basically her friend is taking up a huge part of what is usualy considered a partners job: Being the confidant. BUT! That trust is something that doesn’t come with declaring “We are a couple now!” but with actually earning and building it. That is something your girlfriend obviously has done for a long time with her male friend. So naturally you can only expect to take over that role slowly – and some aspects might / will always be out of your reach and stay with him. You start with earning her trust by starting to talk about your feelings.

  20. Straight up dump her your, jealousy is warranted and you will gain respect in the long run. Your jealousy is a red light, warning you of a valid danger. Immediately dump her, she isn’t a keeper at all as guy friends are never just guy friends.

  21. Bro, leave the relationship. There’s no point. That gazing and staring in his eyes is mad disrespectful. So just keep it moving. As a guy, I most certainly wouldn’t want to hear about guys all the time from my girl. I’d just keep it moving. Stuff like that is annoying

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