Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship Advicei feel like my boyfriend brings me sadness

i feel like my boyfriend brings me sadness

just a small thing i noticed, im going through a rough patch and as of now im doing much better. my head is clear and ive been making progress in self improvement. my boyfriend is a busy person, so i dont expect him to always be available for me, but neither would i foresee he would bring me more sadness than pain. many occasions ive been upset and he seems to not only not do anything but also make it worse. today was a good day for me, and he made a off comment about how he was close to his exes mum. i know maybe it isnt his intention to hurt me. but there have been many incidences where his cluelessness led me to be upset. i feel like i should bring it up to him, although i know this would probably hurt his feelings. ive mentioned beforehand how he says things at the wrong time and sometimes says upsetting things but i dont think he realises it and hence he still does it

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  1. Communication and boundaries are the building blocks to a good relationship, without them things tend to fall apart. You need to actually have a heart to heart and lay everything out of the table, not in a way that will overload him with your pushed down feelings but enough to feel you’ve got your point across in a healthy and mature manner while making sure everything that needs to be said is said. After that it’s in his hand with how he reacts but his reaction will tell you what you need to know about the relationship moving forward.

    If he responds with understanding and change then congrats you’ve got yourself a better stronger relationship. If he says he understands but the changes stop after a week or two and if you really care about the relationship you can try again but if it doesn’t change the next time you try then you have to make your own change. If he doesn’t understand and doesn’t try then just leave bc what is the point of staying with someone who hears your struggles in the relationship and just doesn’t care.

    Edit to add: when I say have a heart to heart I mean don’t just tell him it upsets you explain why and what changes you would like to will help not only start the line of communication but also start the conversation of healthy boundaries within the relationship

  2. Have you explained to him what actions cause you sadness? In detail, with examples, while cool headed and not mad/sad/upset? Because he can’t read your mind.

    Also, you’ve only given a single example of what has upset you, but honestly, I’m not sure why being friends with an ex’s mom upsets you so much? Is he seeing his ex a lot via the mom? Or are he and the mom just friends independent of the ex?

    I’m not saying you can’t be hurt or feel your feelings, but there is a difference between him being clueless/passively hurtful and doing it intentionally. I also am curious how often things make you sad outside of your boyfriend? If you are going through a depressive episode, and many things are triggers for your hurt, then that’s a larger issue and can’t be all pinned on your boyfriend. Are you in therapy? It’s incredibly important imo to have yourself in the right emotional headspace to be in a relationship, you can’t rely on a partner to fix all your emotional needs. It’s not fair to either of you.

    You don’t have to answer these questions here, but I do think you need to answer them for yourself.

  3. If there’s a problem in your relationship and you have made a good faith effort to address it, then it’s time to revaluate.

    A great relationship makes you feel valued, respected, loved. You are proud of your partner and of your relationship.

    A bad match makes you feel smaller, unvalued, and undermines your confidence.

    Not saying this is a bad match, but sometimes we get so invested that we don’t stop to reevaluate things until they are terrible. If you think that you would be happier in a different relationship, or in no relationship, it is usually time to end it.

  4. My WS is still friends with his exes mom and even cheated on me with said ex. Exes Mom was his boss at his last job and he convinced her I was his cousin. He still to this day doesn’t understand why I’m upset that he’s still in contact with her.

    Others with advice to talk to him is great just make sure he doesn’t belittle your feelings or even gaslight you (ex; I never said that, I don’t know what you’re talking about, etc).

    Tread lightly OP.

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