Mostly hoping someone can be a 3rd view on this situation
My (30m) fiance (27f) has a male friend of 10 years or so. He lives in her hometown a state over from us. First time I heard of him was a few months back cause they were messaging on messenger and he was sending her money for stuff like gas cause she was working less hours.
She wouldn’t tell me his name, just he was an old friend etc. I told her I didn’t like him sending her money. Felt it was inappropriate considering I was more than capable of helping her if she needed money.. she claimed she doesn’t like asking partners for money, and his name was a secret cause she didn’t want me looking him up and messaging him (supposedly cause her exes would do it).
Time goes on and pieces start clicking together. She told me his name and I realized i’d seen her message him repeatedly long before I found out about the money. But her convos were always new. This led to a discussion where she admitted to always deleting their conversations. It originated as a bs excuse that she deletes everyones’ convos. Till I pressed that she was lying and it was only hers. Eventually she admitted to only deleting his because she didn’t want me to take their convos out of context if I ever saw them cause they could look like flirting.
Over the next few weeks there was more deletion of there convos, despite our convo about no more deleting or hiding things. He sent her more money.
Then one morning while getting ready for bed (I work 3rds and just got him) her phone went off and lit up with a message from him saying “good morning sweetheart”.
I obviously confronted her, upset. She claims that’s the only time he ever said something like that and was so confused. But that it’s not a big deal because older people call everyone that (he’s mid 30s). My frustration over this led to her supposedly blocking him and using that as her way to ending the talk. (I did not tell her to block him. She chose to).
A couple months or so later I asked about him and she said she unblocked him a couple weeks prior to check on him or something cause of a car accident and then reblocked him.
That was left at that. Till literally like 3 days later as i’m getting ready to go to work, the situation repeats itself. Phone dings, lights up, he’s messaged her saying “goodnight sweetheart, i’ve been thinking about you today”.
Again I confront her. She admits to lying about reblocking him. And again sooo surprised he’s calling her sweetheart.
This time the talk turns into an argument that’s more hard pressed.
She admits he flirts with her and calls her “pet” names. That she still deletes there convos after she’s done or after every message when she’s by me. She’d been talking while at work etc.
My thought process was I feel like it’s emotional cheating. It’s established it’s inappropriate for me to call other girls sweetheart or something similar, esp wrong to flirt cause those things are reserved for her and myself. So for her to intentionally and willingly allow her friend to do it on a daily basis makes her no better than if she were doing it herself.
(I pointed out it’s not like it’s a random guy hollering at her or something. It’s a friend who she repeatedly chooses to engage with and not bother to tell to stop due to it being inappropriate).
She says i’m wrong and ridiculous. He’s been her friend for 10 years. Lives 6 hours away so there’s nothing wrong with it. She didn’t flirt (supposedly) or screw him so it’s not a big deal. The lies and hiding it is just cause she’s used to her exes getting upset over little things and she didn’t want me to be like them if I saw it…
Am I really over thinking this or is it fair to feel how I do?
Thanks everyone…
Edit:
Thanks for all the responses everyone. I feel less guilty now for being bothered by this. Seems the focal point here is the lying. Which unfortunately goes beyond just this incident. Trust/ lying has been a problem since the beginning unfortunately. From lying about what doing/ who with. Lying about who talking to (including another guy incident involving my best friend, which turned into her supposedly just “trying to push me away”). To lies about health and almost any random small thing you can think of “just because”. I’m just a very big push over when it comes to giving the benefit of the doubt and 2nd chances.
If she wasn’t doing anything wrong, she wouldn’t be deleting the messages every time they chat. You feel like it’s cheating based on what you *do* know and I guarantee there’s a lot more you *don’t* know.
Who cares if it’s cheating. She’s lying through her teeth and you already have that proof. A liar is worse than a cheater. Curb her.
She’s 100% cheating. It’s an emotional affair at this point. She is not going to stop, so you need to decide whether you’re better off with her or without her. Good luck.
Yeah, no. He’s giving her money and calling her sweetheart and she’s not shutting it down. Dump her ass.
Do not marry this woman OP.
What will happen is that the guy will always, always be a thorn in your relationship and as you are already seeing, when push comes to shove she is choosing him over you. And this is never going to change.
To be honest it really sounds like some sort of Sugar-daddy thing going on here where she is financially tied to him in return for something (love, sex, affection – who knows).
At it’s most basic level what your fiance is showing you is that at best, you are number 2 in her life and that is no way to have any relationship.
But look, you have already given her the “me or him” option and she keeps choosing him. It’s now time for you to choose you and break off this engagement before you do your head in.
Never marry a cheater, a liar or someone who is openly dishonest. All of her exes went through the same thing and they found that the only way to solve this was to walk away. This is who she is and others before you saw it as plainly and as clearly as you are seeing it now. It didn’t change for them, it sure as hell won’t change for you.
You are not wrong and you are not being ridiculous and it’s time to end this charade.
Your engaged to a liar. What more do you need to know.
If you’re okay with being lied to for the rest of your life by all means …. Proceed.
I’m a 36 year old man and have never in my entire existence said “sweetheart” to someone who wasn’t my romantic partner.
The fact that you’ve had to drag and drag and DRAG the truth out… the deleted convos…
If she isn’t cheating, she’s doing literally everything in her power to make you think she is. Do you know how she could convince you she was telling the truth? If she wasn’t covering her tracks. So why cover her tracks?
Consider this: she wants to talk to him SO FUCKING BAD that she lied to you about blocking him. She was so desperate to say and hear what they were discussing that she was willing to lie to her fiance without shame.
To be clear, this is certainly wedding-postponement worthy, if not a break up.
Why on earth would she tell the guy to stop? She’s more than happy just to keep deleting the conversations so you can’t see them. She is hiding shit on a shady as fuck level and then making you feel like the crazy one for being bothered by it. Rule #1 don’t date liars unless you like feeling like you’re losing your mind all the time.
The problem here is in your head, and not about her deplorable conduct. You are clearly a willing doormat that thinks it’s OK for your girlfriend to disrespect you repeatedly. Yes, she is clearly cheating (at a minimum emotional, and very likely physical soon if not already). Why on Earth would you tolerate this conduct? Repeated lying and deception. She is also clearly attached to this other man and has no problem continuing the relationship despite your objections. You really need to man-up and throw her ass out. Tell to go stay with him and then go no contact. Every day that you continue to put with this infidelity, your self respect will diminish and your relationship will deteriorate. She won’t respect you until you start acting like a strong man deserving of respect.
Sounds like he’s in love with her. She keeps him on the hook because she wants to keep him around, but she isn’t interested in being with him.
Maybe think hard about her character and if this is really the woman you want to marry.
Even if she isn’t cheating- you obviously can’t trust her. Listen to your gut. Show her how dramatic you can be by leaving.
It IS emotional cheating. It is a double standard. Just because he’s a friend of ten years doesnt make it any better. They’re both relying on getting emotional validation from someone other than their partners when they should be reserving interactions of that kind their partners – and that is clear because she insists that you reserve the same kind of intimacies for her and you are not allowed to talk to other women in kind…. in what has to be the most enormous double-standard in the history of double-standards.
Getting money from him because “she doesn’t like asking partners for money, ” is an absurd rationalisation and cop-out. As is calling everyone “sweetheart”. And even if she really does only want a platonic relationship from him, I dont know very many men that would give a woman money, flirt with her and maintain this sort of relationship without wanting more. Even if she doesnt want more, he probably does.
If it looks like a Duck, quacks like a Duck and waddles like a Duck, its probably a Duck. She is doing everything a cheater (physical and/or emotional cheater) would do. She is NOT doing anything (not for any length of time) to show that you are number one and are incorrect about her relationship with him. She’s lying, hiding the truth, deflecting, has double standards and tells you that you are being rediculous.
She dismisses your concerns and she puts her relationship with him ahead of you. And supposedly you’re the person she loves the most and intends to marry. Hmmm. I’d *really* be thinking twice about marriage if I were you.
You’re seriously going to marry this girl? She’s lied to you repeatedly. Who sends money to someone just like that? She’s deleting messages. Dude, do yourself a favour and drop this girl. Seriously, you’re 30. You should know better!
I think this is 100% emotional cheating. I’m so sorry this is going on and you’re just being gaslit. Every single convo needs to be deleted because they say SO many things that can be “taken out of context”? She definitely is flirting even if she denies it. She wouldn’t be so shady and lying about things if they were genuinely okay. If she thought you were upset about them texting and I were her, and wasn’t doing anything wrong, I would keep the messages as proof that nothing wrong is being said. If this is also her best friend of ten years why have you never met? I get its 6 hours away, but if he’s that important to her life and so are you she should’ve squashed any idea that something was going on by having you meet already or at least video call. Also wouldn’t you want your FIANCÉ to meet your best friend?
Also-if all her exes were upset by it…maybe there was a reason?
She lied from the jump man. Nobody deletes messages unless they are doing some shady shit. Don’t let her play you.
Grow a spine.
Jesus
She really isn’t coming out great in this wow. Even if it truly is nothing as she says (it doesn’t sound like nothing) she should respect your relationship and your boundaries of what you’re comfortable with.
It seems like she’s gaslighting you by saying it’s not a big deal and you’re the one overreacting but the fact she deletes the conversions and lies to you about not talking to him/blocking him is really unacceptable especially considering how he talks to her.
Shes absolutely allowed to have male friends but to try so hard to hide it from you is concerning especially when he’s talking to her like that.
You’ll have to decide how much you trust her and if this bothers you enough to make it an ultimatum in your relationship, but you’re absolutely not being ridiculous in not liking this. And if this was to be a deal breaker that would be completely acceptable on your part no matter what she might say. She’s violating your trust on so many levels
I can’t wait to marry my fiancé. I believe we will be a good long term fit because: (copy and paste your 10 paragraph post of her sketchy, gaslighting behavior).
Read that back to yourself and see how you feel.
Just let this one go
You communicate a boundary, she plows over it, lies about it, and you feel bad? Nah. You need to have the “what constitutes cheating” conversation. Hold off on wedding plans until this is sorted. I wouldn’t be okay with this crap, either. You have every right to demand respect in a relationship. She has the right to be respectful, or leave. There is no grey area in this
For me the lies are more than enough to end things. She’s lied so much that you have no trust in her. She clearly doesn’t respect your feelings. Also, there was one thing kind of glossed over. Her exes contacted this guy? Now why would they do that if she wasn’t flirting with him? Is that why they’re exes? You might want to find out if your curiosity gets the better of you. It’s your turn to be the ex who didn’t like her relationship.
This is emotional cheating. My ex used to do this stuff. Regardless if she is saying anything in kind, she’s enabling the flirtation, and taking emotional energy out of the relationship and giving it to him. She never saw a problem with it too.
She’d say garbage like “He’s just a friend!” “You don’t know me very well if you think I could date him!” “It’s harmless”.
It sucks the relationship dry, so when something comes up that you need to work on, she’s tapped out.
Get out. Find someone who will actually commit to you and the relationship. Someone who’s friends are truly just friends.
You will never be able to trust her, leave her and move on this is not something minor or even something big but manageable.
Outside of just potential cheating…
She doesn’t take you or your feelings seriously. She knowingly endangers the relationship and doesn’t care. She lies, even when she knows that you can smell the bullshit a mile away, yet continues with the lie anyway.
Look dude, I’ve been there before in relationships. You keep thinking that since you caught them, they’ll eventually “learn” and change. But they won’t change. Because they either don’t think they are doing anything wrong or they don’t respect you enough to care, even if they do acknowledge that their behavior is “wrong.”
You have to ask for the ring back and you have to end the relationship. She will cry and beg and stomp her feet that you’re being unreasonable, but you’re actually doing her (and yourself) a favor here.
I honestly feel like this is a Sugar Daddy. He sends her money, lives far away, she’s hiding it. If she isn’t cheating, then it’s a sugar daddy.
Either way, even if there is a good explanation, she’s being rude and disrespectful to you. I think that in itself deserves for you to leave.
I would’ve die inside if I saw someone writing “good night sweetheart” to my partner. NOT once but seeing this Twice x_x
Knowing she deleted all the message.. That’s suspicious already. Lying to you plenty of times too. You’ll have to ask to find out.
Yes it’s fair to feel how you’re feeling…
I would ask you to sit with her and have a real talk. Don’t let her joke this out and tell you nothing is wrong. Something is seriously wrong so you have this talk.
On one hand, it’s controlling to make a fuss over who she’s talking to and what about.
On the other hand, if she was speaking to him in a way that is respectful to your relationship, I don’t think she’d be so worried about showing you at least her responses to his messages.
Admittedly, I’ve had a bad experience similar to this, and it was almost exactly what I thought it was, so I may be projecting, even though I’m trying not to. But my opinion is she’s showing you who she is (somebody who will lie to you and hide things from you to protect herself and this gravy train). Believe her.
My sister only asks guys who are interested in her for money. I read the first few lines and this popped in my head. Not to mention she’s been bffs with him for 10 yrs and you’ve never heard of him. Sketchy.
Dude, your fiance is in fucking denial or just blowing smoke up your ass. She isn’t even married and is already lying to you, deceiving you, deleting messages to her guy friend and her only excuse is that he is 6 hours away so its not cheating. Check her picture folder on her phone and see if she jas any nudes you never saw before. You have a lot of evidence pointing out that she isn’t giving this guy up. So you are gonna have to decide to risk being her doormat or just walk away clean and find someone with less issues.
Err… if she had nothing to hide and everything was completely innocent she wouldn’t delete the conversations, imo. If things were totally innocent on her end why wouldn’t she just leave the messages as they are so you could see that she wasn’t being inappropriate unless she’s guilty of something that she knows is wrong? Distance doesn’t mean things are innocent. That just smells like BS to me. Maybe I’m weird, but if I had a male friend who called me names like that and I had absolutely no romantic feelings for him at all, one I’d make clear to him there were no interests, and I surely wouldn’t delete the messages, so just on the chance my significant other seen the messages he’d see that I didn’t say anything inappropriate at all.
Also the fact that she keeps lying about it on top of deleting them shows another level of dishonesty and guilty behavior. So she’s hiding things and lying to you on top of that about hiding things/blocking him/etc.
How do you know they’re just friends going back10 years?
Once you conclude someone is deceitful, you can’t believe anything they say.
People with nothing to hide – hide nothing.
There are no secret friends when engaged.
Do not marry her until you ID this guy ….talk to him and confirm what he is to her.
Updateme!
She is aware that her actions are wrong since she is deleting conversations, she was hiding him from you, she was flirting and having an emotional affair, she might have done other things (who knows), and she was disrespecting you and y’all’s relationship. Leave her and don’t look back or talk it out.
Huge red flag.
You are lucky you have been given it.
Have a real carefully think about the luck you have been given and what decisions you need to make for the REST of your life.
Idk how people are this delusional. I’d have been out of the relationship at the first time she deleted the messages (btw you can still pull those up by the way). Not a chance in hell I would stay with someone like this. Get out my guy. Get out and find someone who values you the way you should be valued
Uhh..she needs to go away. Far. Don’t waste one more minute of your time with this lying female. The nerve calling you dramatic, (gaslighting).There are many many lovely girls out there. Remember women outnumber men many times over.
Totally sexting.
Cheating 100%. Time to end it.