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I found a suicide note written by my wife. I’m not sure how to approach her about it

Hey all. I am 27 years old, my wife is 26. We have 3 kids. I honestly could not be happier. Met her in high school, we went to toe same college, and it all worked out.

My wife is a stay at home mom. I try to give her everything she wants. Everything. I lost weight for her, I got and maintain my body, just for her. I got my hair done for her. I even had my tattoos removed for her. All I want to do is please her.

Honestly this last month she’s been acting weird. She’s been acting like, I guess she gives in to everyone. She’s been doing fun things with the kids every day. She doesn’t spend any time alone. When I walk the dog she insists we all go as a family. She has been walking our son to school with me. I used to just drop him off. One of our kids is 2, one is in preschool one is in 1st grade. She gets everyone ready just to walk our son to school everyday.

At night usually I ask for some things and she says yes to some and no to others. She’s said yes to absolutely everything the last month or so. I’ll even say “are you sure? You don’t have to” and she’ll say “yes. Whatever you want”

Also this may seem small but it’s a big deal to me. At night I’m a cuddler. My wife likes to be left alone while she sleeps, which is ok. Every night she’s been telling me “you can hold me all night. If you want” and I’ll say “really?” And she’ll say “yeah. Whatever you want.”

Well, I’m not sure if this is connected at all but today I found something horrific.

I came home from work and she was at her parents’ with the kids. I decided to join her there so I went home and changed. I have a picture of us on high school on our dresser and sometimes I pick it up just to look at it. Well I did that and I saw she had a folded piece of paper behind it. Like folded into 8ths so it was just a tiny square.

It was a letter, to me, dated in January 2023. It was a suicide letter. She wrote about how this is what’s “best for the family” and she wrote “by the time you read this I’ll be long gone. I planned this day for months.” And “it’s very obvious you and (our kids names) will be better off I’m not around”
I act like things don’t phase me, but I’m gonna keep it real, I cried my eyes out reading this. The thought of not having her really hit me in the gut.

Well, I met her at her parents’. We had a nice time. On the drive home I wanted to bring it up but I figured it should be fine in private not around our kids. I procrastinated. I never had the balls to talk to her about it.

She’s asleep now. I’m just out on the balcony thinking about everything. Idk what to do here. I don’t want to make her mad I’m afraid she’ll do something stupid to herself if I approach this the wrong way. I’m really scared I’m gonna lose her.

Also, I’ve kept this bottled up, but I really want another baby. I haven’t asked her yet, but I really want one more. I thought maybe if I ask her for one more she could give in and delay her plans but idk if that’s the best way to go about it.

Edit: i didn’t write that last paragraph very well. I didn’t plan on bringing this up for at least a few years. I just figured if I brought it up now she would delay her plans to take her own life and that could buy 9 months of extra time for me to convince her to stay. It was an idea, and like I said that’s not the best way to go about it.

This might not be the smartest thing but the date she wrote on her paper was January 16th. I think tomorrow I’m going to make arrangements to go on a vacation during that time, that should at least interrupt her plans. I’m just afraid if I approach her about it she’ll get mad, and that’s the last thing I want.

Also, yes she has a therapist. She sees her every week. I don’t have her contact information and I feel kinda invasive going through her phone but I think In the morning I can call our heath provider and ask for her therapists contact information, and tell her what I found. They’re pretty protective of that information so I wouldn’t bet on it.

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  1. These are called final acts. This is someone who has carefully planned and already come to terms with their mental health decline and their being dead soon. Asking for another baby isn’t going to work because this is something which interferes with her plans. Considering the age of your children this is likely PPD.
    The way you tell her you know? You get someone else to have the children and you say to her “I found your letter”. That’s how you start it. If you need to go through her phone and get her therapists number, do it. She can be angry at you when you keep her alive. This way you’ll also find out if she’s actually going to a therapist.
    Stop changing yourself for her and start working on a less superficial connection with your wife when she lives. Even if it means she needs an inpatient stay somewhere. This isnt “buy time to talk her out of it” time, this is “save her life by any professional means necessary” time.

  2. Do not ask for another baby while she is actively suicidal. I mean, come on. She needs therapy immediately. She’s a danger to herself. You have to act now, and you may want to bring her parents into it.

  3. Yes it’s all connected it’s a sign a lot of people notice after someone kills themselves. A baby will not help so put that idea away. She needs help even if she doesn’t want it. You have to be careful about how you approach her. You need to contact a therapist ASAP and work with them on the best way to approach her. You don’t want her to feel like she’s backed into a corner.

    This is not something you can handle alone. I cannot stress how important it is to seek professional help.

  4. She is 26 and already has 3 kids and you want to ask her for a 4th kid? Do you have any idea about post partum depression? And how about the amount of time that’s best to wait between kids? It’s a lot of time. She has like 15 years to have another baby and she is 26 already with 3!!! She has over 10 years to have another one.

    How old the younger baby? She could still be having postpartum depression.

  5. Your wife spending time with you and kids, cuddling and doing fun things is her saying goobye- you need to book off work asap, you need to call her parents (if she has a good relationship with them), and you need to contact her therpist, you might want to call a suicide holiness and ask them for assistance of where to take your wife to a facility so she can be immediately admitted under psychiatric care – she needs you her family and team of specialists right now. Do not delay. She is imminently in danger from herself. This is PROPER suicidal behavior- you are absolutely allowed to break the rules and dig in her things to find whatever contacts you need to- this is legitimately a matter of life and death. This is BEYOND urgent. Do not let her out of your slight for 2 seconds. If you cant, then call the authorities ASAP, the ambulance… anything… do not hesitate one bit- she will be furious with you at first but this is definitely definitely an emergency- but DO not give away your plans to her or bring this up incase she flees and feels pressured to do it befor you get her into safe hands.

  6. Don’t leave her alone until you get her evaluated by a doctor. The way she is capitulating to other people’s needs may indicate that she is saying goodbye. She may plan to wait until January but people who are suicidal are very hopeless and there’s a risk of her getting to a place where she’s even more hopeless and she might act. If you feel like she’s an imminent danger at any point you can call 911 or whatever the emergency service number is in your area.

    You need to talk to her gently about finding the note and let her know how important she is to you and that you need to take her to get help. If you need to get her parents involved you can do that too. Talking to people about suicidal ideation does not make them more likely to act on it. You need to get her to a doctor of some sort who can evaluate her need for treatment or inpatient service or therapy or whatever she needs. You need a professional to help you with this. There is a suicide hotline in the US where you can get help or advice… The number is 988. It is critically important that you get hurt and evaluated ASAP and that you not leave her alone without having her evaluated.

    You need to prioritize getting her help over things that you would like… Having another baby maybe a solution in your perception and in her perception it might be the same or it might be that that would add an emotional burden and you really don’t want to do that right now. Take care of her first. Get help from your support system. Get her evaluated by a professional.

  7. Tell her you found the letter. SHE NEEDS TO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST ASAP. Make sure she does. Let her know that you love her, you are not judging her, and that you need her to get help so that she stays here living for her family.

  8. Bringing up another baby seems so over the top ridiculous it makes this look like a fake troll thread. But in case it’s not,

    This is an emergency code red situation, it is necessary to file an emergency committal order and get her out on for a psych hold before she could carry out her plan and shatter her family.

    That’s probably the smartest option, but it sounds like you may not have the strength to do what’s necessary.

    Talking to her parents would be a distant #2, and talking to her a even more distant option 3

    She could carry this out tomorrow, especially if you casually bring it up and foolishly accept her assurance that it was just a passing thought and she doesn’t want to do it now, and will even start looking into getting a counselor

    Her behavior also appears to be the final sunny reckoning that often occurs once their decision is made in the few weeks before they act

    The fate of your family is in your hands, make the hard choice and not the easy one, be a husband and father

  9. She’s giving into everyone’s needs to create memories of her, good memories. So your family will reflect on that after she dies.

    Listen to me man, you need to just be honest with her. Fuck man… if it was me? I’d probably drop to my knees and hug her closely while crying my ass off. I’d tell her how much I love her and how much she means to me, how I don’t know if I could do this without her. I’d tell her I found the letter and I’ll do anything to make her change her mind and stay the family.

  10. So everything you have described, is her living for her family. You staying in shape is not for her, man. That’s for you. I get that you may have the thought that she will benefit as far as “being turned on” by your physical appearance goes, but the truth is she is not gaining any actual benefit from that. Not in the way she needs right now.
    And she may very well feel extremely lonely which is exactly why she is making every effort possible to be out of the house and surrounded by air, conversation, noise. She may truly be so lonesome, that getting up early and getting everyone ready just to walk to school for a brief nod, smile, wave, from another mom at school, is a relief.
    Her attempt to completely avoid any and all negative interactions/confrontations, fulfilling any and all of your wishes, may be a sign of deep, deep resignation and pain.

    I have struggled with depression since high school and at my worst, I had daily suicidal thoughts. Wishing I had the strength to drive my car off a bridge. At one point I had made a 4 step plan and was on step 3 when by some miracle I decided I loved my kids and husband too much to pull through and instead walked into the psych ward of the hospital I worked at. BUT had I not worked there and found just the right person to deal with my feelings at that exact moment, I don’t know if I would have had the positive outcome I did have. I was lucky. Truly.

    PLEASE take your wife serious. She needs help. Not any help you can give her in this moment, other than being there for her and loving her unconditionally.
    Tell her that you found the note and how important she is and her wellbeing, don’t even worry about sharing your pain right now, she probably doesn’t have the capacity of facing the guilt that it would cause her. Trust she knows.
    Tell her that you insist she call her provider together with you and that she receives help NOW. Do not accept any “Let’s do it in the morning.” Do not continue to put it off.
    Reassure her, that the kids will not be stressed, they will only be told that mommy is a little sick and at the doctor’s to get better, the grandparents will help. Ask her if she would like to talk to her mom about it.
    But again, take her serious, be selfless in this, this time, I can tell how much you love her.
    Make sure she gets help immediately.

    I wish you guys success with this. It may take a long time but she can get better if she gets help. Be strong.

  11. I get you are in shock but you seem to be making awful decisions.

    #You can’t do this alone.

    Talk to her family. Talk to her therapist. You need to commit her urgently and she need psychiatric medicine.

    A person in such suicidal state make fo drastic things when their plans are cornered (even taking others with them).

  12. I’ll be harsh but I get the feeling that your wife is overwhelmed by you. You start the story with “after all you’ve done for her” and your need for approval might be suffocating for her. I think she believes you are someone that she can’t talk to, that you wouldn’t understand. So please don’t show that you freak out. It might only make her plans faster if she feels pressured by you. If possible, talk with a therapist on how to approach her. You still have time if she has decided on the day, and making her feel unsafe (bc her secret is known) is the last thing you want to do.

  13. Good grief, she has no life outside of the home, gets no adult conversation except from you, spends all of her time keeping the kids happy at the expense of her own happiness, feels like she cannot say no and submits to your every whim even if you attempt to give her an out and your answer is to try and knock her up with kid 4?


    Don’t be the Russell to her Andrea Yates.

  14. >Also, I’ve kept this bottled up, but I really want another baby.

    I mean, hello? You find your wife’s suicide note and you actually think like this? You’ve already gotten 3 kids already. I wonder if she’s experiencing PPD, how old is your youngest one?

    You may think all she does is ‘fun thing with the kids.’ You’re not the person being stuck at home taking care of the kids 24/7 so you think everything is fun. She’s working hard as a mother…The whole post is very selfish. I wonder how much suffering she’s been since she’s becomes a mother to 3 kids.

    How in the world you don’t know about your wife’s therapist? Are you that out of touch or that uninterested with your wife’s mental health?

    I mean, my husband knows about mine. I told him who I was seeing. Well, he ASKED. If he needs to get a hold of her, all he needs to do was just look at the insurance billing too to see who the provider is. Or google my therapist’s name then he can find the number and address of the practice….

  15. She’s stuck at home with three young children and is suicidal, and you’re trying to figure out how to squeeze one more kid out of her before she dies? Seriously?!?!?

  16. Trained Crisis worker here, talk to your wife about this. Find out as much information as you can. Give her a space to feel comfortable sharing her thoughts and to see if she is still having thoughts about suicide. Call your local crisis line, explain the situation and try to encourage her to try calling too. They are usually trained to give advice on situations like this about a person of concern.

    Talking to her about it, talking about it with professionals, and seeing what the next steps are is what you should be focussing on right now. Not another baby.

  17. Your wife has made her decision, this isn’t the time to tread lightly, not bring things up, or sweep things under the rug. Your wife is displaying all the warning signs of a siccessfull suicide attempt. You need to talk to her now.

    [Here is the National Alliance on Mental Illness’ guide to helping someone who is suicidal](

    [Here is another guide on what to do from The Mayo Clinic](

    Call or Text 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. [Here is there website](

    Text CRISIS to 741-741 to speak to a trained crisis counselor via an anonymous 24/7 crisisline.

    I work in mental health, treat those who are suicidal everyday. Your wife is a high risk. You need to inform her therapist immediately, she needs psychiatric care immediately. She is a danger to herself. I wish you the best of luck.

  18. When people give without boundaries, it may be because they do not feel worthy of love. She may feel that she has to constantly give including her own dreams and desires to be loved. Anything she does for herself may seem selfish. It’s so ingrained in her. Will you still love her if she stops living for you and your kids so that she can figure out what she likes? I would tell her how much you love her and you’ve been thinking about how much she does. You want her to live a life for her too. How can you help make that happen? Even if she insists, be firm and say no I want you to do things you love daily. We can do them together too. You need to get her professional help and talk to her parents. I know you’re worried that she’ll be mad but you’ll regret it more if you don’t try to help sooner.

  19. The fact that you want to do anything EXCEPT call in professional help and specifically address this with your wife is EXACTLY what’s going to make her note come to reality.

    Wake up and smell the roses! She wants to kill herself and you’re over here thinking about babies and vacations. GO SAVE YOUR WIFE!

    Do not hesitate.

    Do you want a mad wife or a dead one?

  20. She could kill herself anytime. She left you a note. Why she did that two months or maybe even more in advance? She hopes that you will find it. She hopes that you will help her. She does not want to die. She only wants to live a different life. Not the life you think is perfect for her. She can’t find the way out. Help her or prepare to be a single dad soon. You will have to change more than a haircut,
    btw. And grieving over lost tatoos are nothing in comparison to grieving over lost life, knowing that you haven’t done nothing to prevent it. You are part of the problem.

  21. 1. Tell her parents and have them come over to take care of the kids.
    2. Take her somewhere, where you can talk alone. Tell her that you found the letter and that you’re worried about her. Ask her if she has a plan to take her own life or hurt herself in other ways. Be patient, understanding, loving, tell her that you’re worried about her and that you love her. Put your own needs aside.
    3. Immediately take her to see a doctor (I don’t know how things work where you live, in my country we have psychiatric nurses at ERs who help you forward). Do not leave her alone.
    4. Get more help if you need to, so someone is with her at all times, siblings, friends, etc.

    I hope it all works out for your family.

  22. “My mentally/emotionally exhausted wife who is raising 3 kids alone all day wrote a suicide letter. I think the best plan of action is to try and squeeze one more kid out of her before she goes.” This is one of the grossest posts I’ve ever read here. It’s so grotesque that I *have* to believe it’s fake. You do everything for her according to you, but the only things you talk about are about yourself. If you think a haircut and maintaining your body is doing her some kind of favor, you’re an idiot. If you want to actually do everything for her… get her some fucking professional help! Maybe she’s miserable because she’s dealing with the workload of an entire house on her own. Far too many SAHPs never get to actually “clock out” and your idea of helping her is doing things to better yourself so I’m willing to bet she’s one of those people who truly never get to stop working.

  23. You say you try to give her everything but then you say I did this to myself for her.. I got a haircut for her.. I did this to myself for her… do you really need somebody to spell out you sound SELFISH as fuck.. then the last fucken like I just want another baby… I really hope this is a troll account.. having a baby isn’t going to help her… and iono if even you can help her.. have you reached out to her family close friends cuz I’m pretty sure you don’t know your wife as well as you think you do

  24. Oh my gosh so scary. I’m so sorry she’s going through this and by extension you are too. But you need to call her dr and her family and you need to intervene.

    When you’re assessing how much danger someone w suicidal ideation is in, you ask two big questions- do you have a plan? And have you made any steps towards carrying out that plan? Your wife’s answers to both of those questions is yes. She needs immediate professional help. A vacation is not the answer here. You need to call her dr, her PCP. If she doesn’t have one, you should call the OB or midwife who provided care for her last pregnancy. This is most likely postpartum related and they will know what to do. It isn’t invasive going through her phone and finding the therapist, it is your duty as someone who loves her and knows her plan. You need to get as many people on board and helping with this as possible. Being silent about it out of shame or awkwardness, ignoring these early signs, or being in denial about how serious it is when someone answers yes to those two questions is putting her life in serious danger.

    Good luck.

  25. You “really want another baby.” Are you fucking serious?!?!

    Dude, your wife or any other woman does NOT owe you a baby! Has it crossed your mind that, at just 26, your wife is already a mother of 3 children?!?!

    Has it ever crossed your mind that, she may have professional aspirations and dreams, but she has been merely reduced to a baby making and baby rearing machine, while you go out and develop your career?

    You “do everything for her.” Roll my fucking eyes! Grooming yourself and staying healthy is basic adulting!

    Why not reverse the roles and be the stay-at-home parent, while she goes to work and advances her career?

    Then, you can say you “do everything for her.”

  26. 3 kids by 26 jesus christ… i understand people want many kids and it’s okey but make sure you know who you are first and understand yourself… i say this because i look at myself when i was 26.. i was a child still who didn’t fully gasped life, i can’t even imagine having 3 kids at that age must be hell

  27. THIS IS A FAKE TROLL POST. STOP REPLYING TO OP AND THEIR DELUSIONS. What a pathetic thing to make up!!! No person would find a suicide note and immediately come on Reddit and then on top of it make it about themselves.

  28. If you’re in the USA, dial 9-8-8 and get their advice. It’s the suicide hotline. Do this before you do ANYTHING else.

    Talking to her could backfire. You need support from professionals. Do not take action on your own. You don’t know what you’re doing (nor should you, as this is an emergency.)

  29. Your wife is sick and you want another baby? She is upset with her life because having all these babies tore her down. Not every woman wants to stay at home and raise kids, feel purpose just from it. Some do, but some don’t. Ask her get a job, hobby – something to do outside of her mommy and wife duties. In my opinion, you are done having babies because you clearly don’t understand what is at stake or how to care for them.

  30. No wonder she wants to end herself. She’s married to a self centered ass who thinks it’s fine to “keep” a woman home and pregnant for his benefit. She’s obviously miserable being a housewife, to the point where she’s planning to end it all. And you learn this and you’re thinking YOU want another child? I pity her for marrying such a self-indulgent master. You’ll have all the babies you crave as a single parent.

  31. She said she acts like things don’t phase her but they do. You need to find out what those things are so you’re going to have to find a way to bring this up. What things are you asking that she would say no too? Are you pressuring her to do stuff that she doesn’t like? If she doesn’t have to then why keep bother asking.

  32. Asking for another baby won’t help her and it isn’t a “cure” when she’s actively suicidal.

    She’s needs an intervention immediately, she’s a danger to herself since she’s showing you the final act before she goes through suicide.

    You need to call her therapist on how to approach her without backing her in a corner, call the suicide hotline to ask for assistance, and her parents ASAP.

    Don’t delay and don’t leave her alone at all. She needs your help right now.

  33. Sounds like she’s tired of being a mother and would rather off herself than the kids. A lot of mothers actually hate motherhood once they have it. She would rather not be here than be a stay at home mom anymore. This happens more often than we think. Wishing you and your family the best.

  34. Oh shit. Contact the psychiatric services TODAY. (Edit: the suicide hotline was suggested, yes!)Contact an attorney and start the process of an involuntary commitment NOW. It’s that serious. Yes, get her therapist (if there is one, I doubt it). She needs to be hospitalised immediately.

    She is in deep deep mental trouble and yes, she is truly suicidal and don’t believe the date given!!!! It may happen tomorrow, today!

    Forget about another kid, by the way. For a plethora of reasons, they will be explained to you by the professionals in due course. But you’ll be a primary parent for the ones you do have for years, now.

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