Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI found out that my partner would check his ex's Instagram account

I found out that my partner would check his ex’s Instagram account

I’ll try to keep this short. For context, my partner (M28) and I (F25) are both Muslim Arab Americans. So, the way we do relationships is quite different. My current partner, who is now my husband, was previously engaged to a girl he met while in graduate school. They were together for a year and a half but he ended up cutting it off as it wasn’t a relationship that made him happy, and they had different values/future expectations. About 10-11 months after he initially called it quits with her is when he asked for my hand in marriage. For more context, we met as kids and he knew of me, but we lived in different states. I decided to get to know him and after a good month of talking, we decided on meeting in person. I know this sounds unusual to most, but a month and a half after talking, we decided to get engaged and proceed with a more serious relationship to those of you who have difficulty understanding, think of the engagement period as the dating period. When we were first talking, I did ask him who left who, why, etc. I also asked for full transparency and asked if he was fully over her. He laughed and said “of course, I wouldn’t be seeking a new relationship if I wasn’t.” Now, he didn’t know this but a friend of mine told me who his ex was and shared her public Instagram with me. I will admit, I’m not the most confident person and his ex was beautiful in my opinion, so I did feel insecure but I didn’t allow it to impact me. I trusted that he was fully over her. He left her for valid and good reasons, and I knew it was his past. So, 3 months after we decided to proceed with our relationship and get engaged, we had our engagement party. 1 month later he was showing me a person’s instagram page. For context, this wasn’t his instagram, but an account he shared with 2 other members for a group he was in, as he had his deactivated at the time. As he’s typing the first letter, his ex’s insta pops up as the first suggested one. I shut down and he knew why. I asked him why she came up and he said he wasn’t sure. I asked when was the last time he looked her up and he said a few months back (the month we both decided to proceed in this relationship). I asked him how many times and he said a handul of times. I was shocked and hurt. I asked him how he’d feel if I looked up my ex during that time (if i had an ex, which I don’t) and he said he wouldn’t feel okay with it. I asked him why and she said “well she had a post that I was in (he was liek the 3rd or 4th pic in) and he was wondering why she hadn’t deleted it yet.” I asked “well, did you look at her pictures,” and he had a hard time answering and said “I mean when you go on someone’s page, you do see all their pictures.” I asked, “I know, but did you intentionally look through her pictures,” and he said he did with the intention to see who of his friends still follow and like her things. I told him this wasn’t okay and that to be with me, he needs to move on from her completely, because if I was still looking up my ex, he would have an issue with it. He reassured me that he is fully over her and he doesn’t care for her. He also apolgized and will respect my boundaries of not going on her social media. This conversation happened almost a year ago. I have been able to forgive him and move on, but somtimes it still comes to my mind and hurts. I guess because I don’t have an ex, I don’t understand. My sister tried to reassure me by saying “it might just be a curiosity thing if anything.” I’m not sure how to let it go.

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  1. Everyone looks up their ex sometimes. Social media makes it so accessible and humans are curious. If he’s an infrequent social media user it’s not unusual that someone in his contacts and/or whose profile he has interacted with even long ago will pop up in suggestions. It’s basically a spyware algorithm.

    If it’s something he does regularly you may have an issue. But if it’s just a suggestion from the app I wouldn’t read too much into it. You can ask him to block her and it’ll go away.

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