Friday, March 24, 2023
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I keep gaslighting myself into thinking I’m over reacting. But I think this was the last straw. TW: SA

I [32F] have been with my husband [41 M] since I was 18. We have 2 sons together, ages 12 and 9. We’ve had a lot of ups and downs over the years, like anyone I guess.
There’s tons of history, but the final straw happened the other day.
We do shrooms together semi regularly. I’ve told him that I don’t like having sex when on shrooms because it feels very invasive to me. He knew this, it wasn’t a passing comment I’d made that he could have forgotten.
On Friday morning we took shrooms. The energy was off and I was having a bad trip so I went and laid down.
He came upstairs where I was laying down, saw me having a bad trip, and after a few moments of rubbing me he said “Can I use you?”

I knew if I said no he’d either keep trying or pout about it so I pulled my pants off and let him. I started crying half way through and just wanted him to hurry up and finish. When he was done, he immediately realized he’d fucked up and went into love bombing apology mode but the damage is done.
He tried to say he misread the situation because I took my pants off but I know that is bullshit because he said “Can I use you?” Knowing I was not wanting it. He knew what he was doing, and this wasn’t the first time something like this has happened.
I so very rarely lay a boundary but I actually did this time and he trampled on it.
I left and drove 8 hrs to my best friend’s house where I’m staying till I can get a job and get on my feet.

I just need some reassurance that I’m doing the right thing by leaving. That what he did was rape even though I technically let him do it. I had said no before we shroomed and wasn’t even in a mindset to give consent when it happened.
Most of me feels like I’m doing the right thing leaving him finally but the part that has loved him all these years is struggling big time, especially because he’s been texting me love bombs ever since. This whole thing just sucks.

View Reddit by SparrowOnAHillView Source



  1. Yes, you should leave him. It’s clear that there’s a long history here of sexual coercion (since you knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer). You’d also said explicitly you did not want to have sex while on shrooms. And if that wasn’t enough, you were fucking crying and he still didn’t stop. He’s a rapist and an abuser and you should leave and not look back.

  2. I’m sorry to hear that. Sounds like you were coerced. If it’s not enthusiastic consent, it’s coercion.

    Are you financially dependent on him? It’s a good idea to separate your finances, get a job, etc.

    Stop doing shrooms if you cannot handle it. Don’t feel compelled to do it, even if he asks you to.

    You guys need couple’s therapy. And a very serious conversation about boundaries and consequences of breaking those boundaries.

    Best of luck

  3. Hey just want to say, don’t let anyone tell you that you’re wrong. It’s not consent if it’s coerced! It’s so so wrong for him to trample your boundaries. No amount of love bombing will make this okay. You are in a vulnerable space on mushrooms, and not in a place to consent anyway. He should be there for you to help you through your trip. An apology without change is just manipulation. You did the right thing. If reconciliation is an option he should seek therapy and reevaluate his behaviour. This shows a total lack of respect on his part.

  4. I hope I won’t sound harsh, because I feel your pain and agony. What happened was heartbreaking…Horrible thing done by the person who suppose to have your back.

    Please stop doing anything that make you incapacitated. In this situation that is the shrooms.

    You are a mom. You need to be in control of your mental acuity at all times.

    I don’t drink alcohol at all for that reason. I know that liquor can do a number on my inhibitions.

    Get a counselling and therapy. This situation is above the Reddit’s qualifications.

    Good luck.

  5. Your husband is a predator and a rapist. You made the right choice and it’s really tough, we’re all proud of you. Every time you open a text from him say out loud to yourself, “This man is a predator and a rapist.” Say it til you can see the slime dripping off his sugary words.

  6. This is a boundary that should never be crossed because it is rape. You leaving is the right thing and you need to do what is best for you. His actions are disgusting and completely disrespectful to you as his wife.

    You NEVER have to be subjected to this behaviour, from anyone. You let him because otherwise it was dealing with harrassment and manipulation, not because you wanted it. This does not reduce the seriousness of what he did to you.

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