Sunday, March 26, 2023
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I left my toxic abusive ten year marriage – please remind me it’s right decision

If you look at my previous posts, you’ll see that I requested advice about an abusive toxic relationship.

I left today. It was emotionally but also physically the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I just drove for about 12 hours with 4 7 week old puppies and their mom. The AC in my car broke, the dogs almost over heated. I had to literally put them on ice.

Right now is the first moment I’ve stopped moving and solving problems and I’m regretting my decision. I know I shouldn’t but I just want to be home with my husband.

Please remind me I did the right thing. After listening to a fight we had, most people think I’ll end up dead or seriously hurt.

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  1. It is absolutely 100% the right decision. I know it’s hard right now, but you will be so much better off without him. I’m so proud of you for getting the courage to leave! Don’t let your resolve falter now. Stay strong.

  2. It’s always scary at first when you make a big life change. Leaving your abuser was the right choice. Never question that. That’s always the plan with any future abusers you may encounter. Keep on loving the good life and only allow positive influences in your life. Anyone who tries to tear you down isn’t your friend.

  3. You did the right thing. I know it’s hard to imagine not being home with him. 10 years is a long time and you were probably very used to life with him. He was abusive though and you didn’t deserve that at all.

    Please think about what you would tell someone else in your shoes. You know this is for the best.

  4. Please listen to me and everyone else here. You are loved. You deserve better. You did the right thing. You left for a reason, you knew for so long, and finally got the courage. Women have amazing Intuition and we don’t leave for no reason.

    Right now you are feeling regret. This is normal. Your body is craving stability and homeostasis – what it was used to- but that doesn’t mean it’s good for you.

    Do this right now. Take out your phone and open a note. Title it “why I’m never ever going back” write down as many reasons why you left and why you should not go back. Name all the terrible qualities he has, be specific. Now it will seem like you won’t have as many as you hoped. That’s ok. Practice this exercise every time you have a new memory. Right now you are in denial phase, but once you are angry you’ll grow that list.

    Whenever you feel like you are unsure about your decision or need a reminder why you left, go back to the list and read it. Keep adding to it. Pretty soon you’ll stop writing things because you’ll be so happy in your own life, you’ve forgotten about this list. You’ll scroll and scroll and realize that is not something anyone should put up with, especially you.

    It’s something I did and worked for me. I hope it can help you. Every blue moon I’ll open my note and am really glad I never went back.

    Keep going and don’t ever look back! You have your whole life ahead of you. Hugs.

  5. POV from an abused partner:

    I was in your shoes before. I had a kid w my ex after he purposely have sex w me w out condom. I thought the condom broke but later on when my son was about 2 y.o he told me he actually took it off.

    When I was 8 months pregnant, we argued about something and he took a chunk of my hair and slammed my head to the wall. He walked out. A friend had to send me to the hospital cuz my I was not hearing anything from my left ear after that argument. What did he do? Went and slept w another girl, came home and told me its my fault that I made him mad and I got pregnant. I should have be better cuz I was heavily pregnant so no argument w him anymore even if he is wrong. I can only say it nicely.

    Kick me off his car while I was pregnant cuz I was craving for something.

    But you know how I feel after I decided to leave him when my son turned 3? Lonely. I remember thinking I would do anything to be with my ex again. I cried for a good few months. I was so miserable. But then the thoughts of being abused again, being called names and being forced to give him sex (cuz according to him it was my responsibilities even if I was already tired from college and on my period) stopped me dead in my track.

    After half a year mark, he started harassing me. Came to my apartment middle of the night and shouted to my housemate to open the door (I wasnt at home, went to my aunt’s that night). Lovebombed me by leaving flowers, chocolates, etc. When I still didnt reply to his begging etc, he smashed the window of my car. Threatened he would take my son away if I dont go back to him. I lodged a police report against him. He was not happy and swore up and down my life would be miserable. Told me no men would ever want me for being “used”. Stalked my family and my son (my parents gave me the privilege of finishing college and they look after my son – we live in different cities).

    Tried to kidnap my son.

    Tried to kidnap me.

    Spread the words that my son wasnt his and I cheated on him.

    Luckily I have a group of good guy friends who eventually make him go away. Don’t ask me what they did, but pretty much my ex ran with his tail tucked between his buttcheeks.

    By the first year, I find the strength to live again. I finished college, got a good job, change career again, travelled the world. My son has good education and we are tight together. I took him travelling. I make sure his needs are fulfilled. My ex only met him once and he bragged about giving my son 50 as if its equivalent to child support.

    But even writing all that, I’m still in therapy and my son is already 15 y.o. It takes a lot for me to unravel the hurt, the pain, and the mindset I had after being abused by him for 5 years. My ex isnt doing well and although I didnt harbour any ill feelings anymore, I do not have it in me to wish him well either.

    He has gotten engaged with 2 other women and when both engagement didnt work out, he would resume his stupid behaviour and look after me. Lovebombed me again. This happens when my son was 8y.o and 11 y.o respectively.

    Both times, he would use the same bullets – that I’m a used product by him therefore hes doing me a favour by “saving” me (his reason of why we should get back together).

    Both times I told him to fuck off. My ex would get mad and try to stalk me again. I got wiser. I never revealed where I live, he only knows where my parents live and he’s super deathly afraid of my dad because that one time he tried to kidnap my son, my dad pretty much put a large knife on his neck. He was lucky my dad didnt behead him right there and then cuz his brother came and begged my dad for forgiveness.

    Whenever he tried anything funny, my dad would alerted his friends who works in enforcement of his activities. Even that didnt stop my ex from behaving as nasty as he can.

    My advice to you: this shall pass. Itll take time. Itll take every ounce of you to soldier on and it will not be a months thing. Itll be a years thing. Or even decades. Ive left my ex for 12 years and it gets easier now; the first 5 years were the hardest.

    Im sorry this happened to you but remember its YOU who needs to live for yourself. You dont need to live for him. Vice versa. I want you strong and ill keep you in my prayer. Im sending all my strength to you and hopefully you’ll make it through this. You are loved, you’re remembered, you’re valued. First by YOU, and then all of us here.

  6. It’s hard now but if you stayed or went back you’d never have the opportunity to be free and happy. It would be an “easy”, comfortable decision but it would never lead to your happiness. Weeks, months and years from now you’ll look back and be so glad you left.

  7. Girl, let me tell you… I left my toxic/abusive 9 1/2 year relationship at the beginning of the pandemic, during lockdown, after losing my job, and we have 3 children together. I was so scared. So ashamed. I didn’t know what would happen next, and I thought I would lose everything. I don’t have family to help me. I have very few friends, and none who know the extent of the abuse. I was alone in the world with my kiddos and my cat. And the only thing that stopped me from going back was the no-contact order from his final abusive outbreak and final arrest for DV. Now, it’s been two years, the no-contact is about to expire, and I have started over in a new, safe, small town, rebuilt my life, and I am happier than I ever could have imagined.

    Right now is hard. Right now is scary. Right now the future is hazy and you’re feeling like there is no one else out there for you. But you can do this. You will not regret leaving, once the dust begins to settle. Stand strong in your decision, and please know that you have support. If you need a friend, hit me up. I will be your friend. There are so many of us out here, survivors who will have your back through thick and thin. Sisters United. Keep your chin up when you can, and remember that it’s absolutely okay to feel overwhelmed, sad, regretful. Your feelings are valid. But you are more valuable than he will ever show you, and you deserve a better life.

    I hope this finds you well, and that you know this big world, scary though it may be at times, is full of love and friendship just waiting for you to be open to accepting it. ❤️ don’t look back, unless it’s in your rear-view.

  8. I looked and listened to the video. Ma’am, there’s no future in going back to a person who doesn’t love, care, respect or appreciates you. He’s an abusive and toxic pig, that should be in jail for DV. You did the right thing. Now push forward. We internet strangers are here for you to lean on!

  9. A 10-year toxic and abusive relationship, you said it in the title. Because of the way abusive people are they convince you to lower your own self-worth.

    This is why you’re questioning yourself even though what you did was impressive as hell.

    You did the right thing as opposed to wasting a decade more of your life being miserable knowing you should have done this 10 years earlier.

    It’s hard, it will get easier best of luck.

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  11. I was in an abusuve and toxic relationship myself and you absolutely made the right decision ❤
    In fact you made the ONLY decision there was in this situation to keep you safe.
    Take the courage and strength it took to leave and keep going forward to build a better and brighter future ✨️

  12. You did good. And it’s good you’re asking for support.

    You’re stressed and exhausted and as most victims of abuse do, questioning your decision. Your brain is in “withdrawal,” essentially. New hard things seem scarier than old hard things. At least the old ones are familiar and predictable.

    Keep on going. It will take time and there will be difficult days, but freedom is so much better than abuse. Give yourself lots of time to heal before even thinking of dating again. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself.

  13. Your husband is your comfort person, whether it’s toxic or rainbows, you’ve spent a chunk of your life with him and it’s what’s familiar to you. I was in a toxic relationship and when I left I just wanted to run back because I felt lost and scared, but know you left for a reason and you’ll realise it was the right choice for you

  14. I don’t know you obviously, but I am 100000% proud of you. You absolutely made the right decision. I know the abuse you endured probably hindered your ability to see yourself as a strong person, but you are one of the strongest for leaving. I heard someone say today that the first step to moving on is having somewhere to go, and look at you; you’re somewhere! Staying in that terrible situation wouldn’t be easier than anything you have ahead of you, it would just be familiar. Sending you an abundance of positivity, hope, and even more strength. You got this ❤️

  15. I’m you, 2,5 years from now. Go. Find yourself again. Find the person you were before. Or the new person you want to be. Do things for you.
    Mourn what was. What you wanted it to be. Whay you fought so for. Rejoice in what can be. What you are doing and will continue to do for you.

    The sadness comes in waves. You will need to learn to swim through them.

    You got this.

  16. When I helped my friend leave I had to talk to her daily to help her keep her resolve and not go back. I spent weeks being a lifeline and it was 100% worth it. She’s so happy and safe now. It’s hard at first. And this “at first” might be a while. That’s normal. What you’re feeling is natural. But it’ll pass. I promise, if you power through this period, you’ll have a future that’s so much better. And you deserve better. You deserve to have a home without abuse. You did the right thing. You’re being very brave.

  17. Honey. I just saw the video.
    Don’t subject yourself to that.
    You deserve so much more.
    Real love, care, kindness.
    Someone who’d never beat you.
    Someone who will hug you and be there for you even when your having and argument.
    Someone to support you. Someone to have a healthy discussion with.

    You have your dog’s for now. That’s a lot already.
    You did the right thing.

    I’m surprised you didn’t sue him for domestic violence.

  18. No, you don’t want to be home with your husband. You want to feel safe. You want a familiar environment. It sucks that you can’t have it now but it’d suck more to go back. Or it’d suck only for a short time, while he kills you, and we can agree that it’s not a desirable outcome.

    You did the right thing. Stick to it.

  19. The hardest part is over. YOU did that. You managed to het yourself out of this. That’s so impressive. From now on, things will get better. It might not feel like it, but it will. And you’ll find love again, mosz importantly with someone who actually cares for you and respects you. You will feel home again. And actually home, this time. I promise you will be fine. And you gave yourself this present, so please be proud of yourself. You did one of the hardest things that can be done. All the love, all the best.

  20. Congratulations on the beginning of the rest of your life!

    It’s scary at first. You know what you had – and you don’t know yet what you are going to get.

    But I promise you: you, too, will look back on these times as *the great escape to freedom*. You will make it. Your life will be better. You will be in charge of you again. You get to be you again. Your life will be about you again.

    Good luck!

  21. Well done op. You did the right thing. You might feel lonely right now, but you ha e 5 fur buddies to help you get through the hard days and nights ahead, and I know, if you stay strong and don’t go back, things will be better. You will live. And be able to love yourself.

  22. First of all congratulations it is the best thing you have done
    Also remember all the problems you mentioned the physical and mental strain you are going through now will end trust me it will you will be back on your feet in no time and all these things wont matter. But had you stayed with your husband the abuse would have never ended not until one of you was dead so
    take a few long breaths have a cold glass of water and leave the life which caused you even this strain yess had he not been abusive you wouldnt be in this situation so now take the narrative of your life in your hand and rebuild your life the one you always wanted

  23. From this point on, try writing less on these public forums / Social media and start Journaling,
    Journal everyday. Write down everything you feel and give it time.. Its easier to heal and very eye opening when you can see your progress or lack there of and reflect on it.. so you know how to move forward and get any other type of help you’ll need, sort of a blueprint to your new existence moving forward by analysing your past …. But in real time… Good luck… You’ll be surprised how effective this is and it makes time fly by too. Cheers.

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