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HomeRelationship AdviceI (M51) need to tell my partner (F51) some uncomfortable things that...

I (M51) need to tell my partner (F51) some uncomfortable things that are affecting our sex life, and I want to be as tactful and sensitive as possible. What are some approaches that have worked for you (either as the one giving or receiving the unpleasant details)?

I’ve been dating this woman for a few months. In many ways she’s one of the best girlfriends I’ve had, and I think that we make a great couple in terms of our shared interests and goals and personalities. I find her physically attractive when she’s clothed, but once we started fooling around I noticed a couple things that keep killing the mood. Specifically, her breath is usually bad (not food smell, but rotten smell) and she has an unusually hairy lower back. The breath thing is perplexing because she has good personal hygiene and I know she regularly visits the dentist for cleanings. And I’ve read that the hair might be an indication of a medical condition, although I do not know her medical history.

Her breath is distracting when we’re making out; I find myself trying to breathe through my mouth to avoid it, but just the knowledge that it smells is still a problem. I also try pretending the back hair’s not there (she’s a natural blonde, so it’s not always visibly noticeable), but sometimes I’ll accidentally brush my fingers across it and it makes my skin crawl.

I’m able to “perform” and bring her to climax, but I’ve never been able to reach my own orgasm with her. (And she has begun to notice.) I do not have ED and she’s the only woman I’ve slept with where I was NEVER able to cum; I’m simply too put off.

Maybe it’s closed-minded of me to be turned off by these things, but I feel actual physical revulsion during these moments. (I’m not trying to be grossed out. I want to enjoy it!) As much as I love her, I can’t see how I can go much longer without sexual fulfilment, so I figure we need to talk about these things. BUT HOW?

I don’t want to hurt her, and I don’t want to make her feel insecure. I want her to know how much I do care for her and hope we can figure something out. What’s a good way to bring something like this up? (What kind of setting, how to frame it, etc.)

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  1. Hirsutism is the medical term for excess hair growth for a female and is usually caused by hormonal issues, it can be a very sensitive subject for some women so if you are to approach it I would suggest doing it gently.

    Also with the breath, bad gut bacteria can be a cause, it’s possible it could be due to hormones too so I would say both are medically related.

  2. One thing to keep in mind here, it may start a conversation of some things she would like you to change/fix as well. You are so focused on these issues that you may have a little tunnel vision…..Forgetting that you yourself may have some things that could be considered “icky” to her too. Let’s hope you will be open to hearing them if that happens.

  3. I think if you’re feeling sexually repulsed by her and haven’t cum in months, you’re better off just chalking this up as incompatibility and moving on. No need to criticize her body hair. No need to speculate on medical conditions.

  4. Her bad breath could come from her stomach, too. So I’d suggest to get it checked out by a doctor.

    As for the hair.. idk. Women are just human too. Some of us have body hair, some don’t. You could suggest laser or IPL hair removal treatments, but chances are that she’ll be against it.

  5. >I also try pretending the back hair’s not there (she’s a natural blonde, so it’s not always visibly noticeable), but sometimes I’ll accidentally brush my fingers across it and it makes my skin crawl

    bruh reading this makes my skin crawl, get a different girlfriend then. grow up.

  6. The hair thing is on you unless you want to spend your money on spa days and body waxing. That’s really the only way you’ll get away with even taking about it because its not something that all men or even most might have a problem with.

    There are things having nothing to do with hygiene which can cause horrendously bad breath. Tonsil stones are an example. You can simply ask her if she has them. And then when she asks why you asked you can say why. Good luck!

  7. the hair thing- why is this an issue? i’d really be careful and consider your own biases before even thinking of bringing that up, people all have hair and it varies person to person.

    as for the breath thing, just try to approach it from a place of love and respect, and acknowledge all you did here about that it may be genuinely out of her control, but you love her and want to make things work

  8. Whenever there’s a question of hygiene issues, it’s best to frame it as concern for her health. Let her know that halitosis and excess hair growth can be indicators of some health conditions that may need treatment and you want to make sure she’s healthy because you’re worried

  9. The breath thing is one thing but Jesus man get the fuck over it. Blonde hairs on her back make you that grossed out. Imagine if she had a bush. She should run from you. For 51 you send like a total cry ass

  10. I assume you feel the same about the hair on her head? That it “makes your skin crawl” as well? Cause it’s as natural as the rest of her body hair. I frankly find it deeply shallow that you think body hair, which is entierly natural, is so *vile* that it makes “your skin crawl”. Shame on you. We all have hair all over our bodies, hers not fitting into your traditional view of “feminine” is your hang up, it’s a sexist one, and you need to deal with it yourself before you shame someone elses body for it. And if you simply can’t get over it, then move on, cause she deserves better.

    And the dental thing, that’s easy. Approach it as a medical concern, which it frankly is. She may have tonsil stones, or she may have a tooth that’s going that she’s not aware of, or she may have dietary issues. Say you noticed it, and while you love kissing her, you’re very worried for her health. And that’s it. Cause it’s not about your sexual needs, she has a health issue.

    And start using your other head to think, that one on your shoulders. Your 51 for Christ’s sake. A tiny bit of logic applied to this situation, and just viewing her as a human being instead of thinking about why you can’t cum, makes these two *very* easy problems to solve.

  11. I’m amazed at how many people in the comments are encouraging you to insult this woman’s body and accuse two probably normal things of being medical conditions. Most people are pretty aware of their bodies. I know you can’t see your own lower back, but if this hair thing is new she probably would have noticed and asked a doctor as well if she was concerned about it.

    I don’t think you should be having sex with someone who repulses you but I also don’t think it’s right to ask someone to change for you, or to insult things they likely cannot fix. I know you’re convinced there’s a diagnosis here but there might not be. Then what?

  12. Is she anorexic? Extreme dieting and weight loss add to increased hair, to keep the body warm when fat is not present to do that job. Bad breath is also caused when the body isn’t getting enough nutrients, keto causes it as well, high protein diets. Also bulimia.

    So there could be a whole bunch of reasons.

    I don’t have the answer as to how to approach it. I would want to know about these things if it were me and I could fix it but I would be constantly worried that these things were still present and it would make me extremely insecure.

  13. Body hair is normal and you’re either going to have to mentally unpack why it bothers you and try to overcome it, or find someone else. Don’t put your body hair “stuff” on her.

    Now assuming that’s taken care of…

    As for the breath this might sound silly but does she brush her teeth before you get busy? You could lead the way by saying you need to freshen up and brush your teeth first, and hopefully she’d follow. My husband and I “freshen up” and it’s kind of our signal to de stank ourselves before we get busy.

  14. I had to talk with my boyfriend about an incredibly sensitive, outside-the-bedroom issue. I worried for months, always trying to come up with the best possible approach. Then, one day, he brought up something that was a perfect segue to *that* conversation, and I knew it was my opportunity. I was as gentle as possible, adding a couple of bits of humor, as well as adding a personal embarrassing anecdote that somewhat paralleled his situation that showed I’m not perfect either and we all have our issues. I ended with something like, we’re all human, these things happen, but please consider fixing it.

    I suggest separating the two issues.

    1. The Breath

    – Bad breath is a far more socially acceptable topic than the other.
    – Mention it, be gentle, and suggest some possible solutions: floss more, brush teeth just before, strong sugar-free gum or mints, she can also ask her dentist and/or doctor.
    – Further, I ALWAYS keep strong, sugar-free mint gum and mints nearby (living room, bedroom, car, office, purse, kitchen). You can grab a piece any time you like, then, like a total gentleman, offer her some as well (I offer two if my partner’s breath is off).
    – Encourage good hygiene before getting it on. Brush your teeth, grab some gum, offer her some, then jump to it.

    2. The Patch

    – The hair situation is, unfortunately, an entirely different matter. While bad breath is pretty much universally reviled, it’s less socially acceptable to ask someone to remove hair.
    – Compounding the issue is she is a woman over fifty. Fifty plus can be tough for a lot of women, even with a man that adores them. We are told all our lives that we need to look and act a certain way to be loved and accepted.
    While men can empathize, I honestly don’t think they will ever fully understand what it’s like to be bombarded the way we are with external influences telling us we are NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
    – At 37, its still an ongoing struggle, though far less than in my teens and twenties. If I were dating a guy for a few months that asked me to shave a patch of hair, I’d politely tell him to fuck off and find someone that was into my patch. Because, fuck that.
    – However, she is not me. So, you can of course bring it up. I’d choose my words carefully.
    – Remove provoking words/phrases like “revulsion” and “makes my skin crawl” from your prepared spiel.
    – You could perhaps start by asking her about it? Has she always had it? Does she like it? See what she says and watch her reaction. If she seems offended, it’s probably a touchy subject for her, and you should likely leave things there.
    -Another approach could be telling her you think she’d look sexy in xyz and you’d like to see how it would look without her patch.
    – Or, you could tell her you noticed it and feign worry about certain medical conditions. Ask her to ask her doctor.

    Final thoughts:
    – Bring up the bad breath first. It will give you some practice and see how she handles it. Wait a couple of weeks and see how that goes. You might find that her having minty-fresh breath (from like twenty pieces of gum) makes her patch less revolting.
    – Try masturbating while thinking about her. Slowly, add the patch into your fantasies about her. You just might start your own little kink. I dated a guy years ago that referred to his penis in the third person. It was a TOTAL turn off for me. When I asked him about it, he had a specific reason that I respected. So, I thought about that specifically while masturbating a couple of times, and then referring to his penis in the third person totally turned me on after that. You never know until you try.
    – If you still hate good ol’ Patchy, bring it up as gently as possible. Be prepared for it to hurt her feelings. Be prepared for her to tell you no.
    – Consider ending it without bringing either up or just the breath. Being fully accepted just as you are is the most wonderful thing in the world. When I’ve fallen for someone in the past, this kind of thing doesn’t matter. They could have been hit by a bus, needed a face transplant, lost all their limbs, and I wouldn’t have seen any of it. The man that loved me until his dying breath thought I was gorgeous even when I’d been sweating and gross, without makeup on, with my hair in a top knot, while wearing a house dress. Seeing his love for me, even at my physically worst, was everything to me.

  15. Oh this one is simple.

    It’s an age and diet thing. Sort that out and she’ll be gravy.

    Though, now you’ll be womanless. Tell her straight dude, you’re not young anymore. ⌚

    The hair thing though, get over it. That’s a you problem.

  16. Bad breath can be from terrible diet, hormone imbalances, or lack of flossing (though if she still has rotten breath after cleanings, it’s a gut issue). That can be changed. Back hair does not. If it’s something that turns you off, that’s okay. But it’s not okay to expect her to have her back waxed/shaved to accommodate you. This just means you’ll have to find someone who has little/thin body hair.

    The bad breath and back hair is likely related, if they are, then once her gut and hormone imbalance issue is managed (which could take years depending on her situation), the hair will go down in volume as well. That’s not a promise, the hair growth could easily be genetic and therefore permanent until old age (60+) when hair starts to drop off naturally.

  17. You’re not a bad bf for being turned off by those things, you can’t control what your body is attracted to. I think the hair thing is too sensitive to bring up, at least right now. Bringing up the breath will already cause her enough embarrassment and shame. I agree with a previous comment go from a place of health concern. Make a point to state that you know she has excellent personal hygiene and that’s why you’re concerned that the breath might be a symptom of an underlying issue. Give her plenty of reassurance that you’re attracted to her, tell her she’s beautiful, tell her you love her, and take the convo slow and gently.

  18. Lol at all the people being like “Why can’t you just love her for who she is??”

    This is all real solvable.

    1. electric razor could whizz off the back hair in 30 seconds
    2. some pregame mouthwash would probably clear up the breath thing well enough

    She’s free to not do it, doesnt hurt to ask in a compassionate way. She’ll probably be relieved to know why you’re not cumming easily.

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