Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI resent my predator ex and I’m stuck with her

I resent my predator ex and I’m stuck with her

I hate my ex and there is nothing I can do to leave

I would like to start off by saying I don’t have any family or close friends to move in with. I was dating a girl that’s 6 years older than me (25) . I’m 19. We got together as soon as her husband and her separated. I was living with her already since I was 16 when she took me in bc my mom kicked me out. That is when she started doing sexual acts with me. She told me since I already graduated highschool, and I wasn’t in the highschooler mindset, moved away from my mom and worked full time it wasn’t weird. But she was still actively with her husband and they were already engaged. Which I already feel like a fall back. All and all we ended up breaking up bc our lifestyles don’t align and I felt groomed (I didn’t tell her that) and her animals gross me out. one cat bleeds anally all over my furniture and doesn’t use the litter box all the time. And they track litter all over the house. She has 4 cats from her marriage that she absolutely refuses to get rid of bc she requires them emotionally. Plus she is a really bad hoarder and doesn’t clean ever. We are best friends and she guilt trips me every single time I tell her I don’t like what she is doing. She is overly emotional and has really bad mental illness. I don’t think she can do it without me considering she has no friends. But she ran all of my friends off and wouldn’t let me talk to or hang out with them. I can’t talk to anyone or she gets super jealous and makes it miserable for me. She makes it seem like I’m the bad guy. I do not drive yet, she is the only ride and we split the rent in half. What do I do to leave? I’m losing it. I really despise her and I don’t know what to do. She spends 24/7 with me. She has me barricaded and we moved to another town so I have nothing to do or anyone else to talk to.

Edit: we have 1 cat and 1 dog together. I am technically the owner but she is super bonded to them maybe even too much. She adopted them w me tho and she isn’t gonna let me take them without a fight anyways. Not like I have family members to move out with and take them to. She says she will never be with anyone after me… she’s only 25 rn about to be 26. She asked me 10 times if I was sure I wouldn’t take her back



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34 COMMENTS

  1. My guy this is textbook abuse and grooming.

    She gaslights you into thinking you’re the problem, she normalizes sex with a minor (as well as someone she has significant control and experience on), she isolates you from your peers (common abuse tactic) so you have no support network or anyone to call her out on inappropriate behavior, and she’s restricting your finances so you can’t leave.

    I’d honestly look for a homeless shelter and and try to Bank as much money as you can

  2. Step one: try to stock away all the money that you can.

    Step two: Go online and find someone to rent a room from. Craigslist is always an option. Depending on your location, you could go to another city altogether and get a new job if that is viable.

    Step three: Leave quickly and without notice. Don’t give her your new location.

    ​

    You are correct in that she is a predator and doesn’t seem like a safe person to live with. If you are worried about her actions when you leave, you can request a police escort.

    Also, talk to your local librarians about resources. They can give you information and guides on organizations that can help you. You will most likely qualify for some DV organizations because of the age in which you began a relationship.

    If you’re looking for a job as a way to get out, perhaps look for jobs that take you around the world. For instance, I know cruise lines are looking for people and that would provide you with a quick and easy way out.

    ​

    This can feel overwhelming but you can totally do this and strike out on your own!

  3. This girl is a predator, abuser, manipulator, and criminal! Call the police please, she basically kidnapped you!

    People like this don’t stop until you have literally no options. It would not be a surprise if you eventually can’t use the internet and have no control over your finances at all. Get ahead of this because eventually it could be too late. It’s better to have the police take care of you until you can transition into some other place to live (a shelter might unfortunately be your best option in the short term) than to wait until things evolve into a more nasty situation

  4. When you can, please consider calling a domestic abuse helpline. They can help advise you on a safe exit.

    Once you leave you will have to ghost her and change your contact info perhaps. She can’t have a way to get to you. At all. Ever.

  5. The cat bleeding anally is a real issue, dude. That animal is suffering. She doesn’t love the cat as much as she says if she lets the cat continually bleed like that. That is not normal. Cat doesn’t use the litter box because it’s in pain. A cat not using the letterbox is a red flag and tell tale sign that something is wrong. That cat is suffering a lot. Cats are very clean animals.

    She is controlling and manipulative and I would take the animals suffering (the ones bleeding), drop them off at a vet and go.

    She groomed you. She expects you to change to her lifestyle. That isn’t normal. Her guilt tripping you and secluding you from your friends is not ok and is a huge red flag.

    Drop the cats that are bleeding off at the vet and tell her they “got out” bc cats usually do that to die. I’d just tell her that. Those animals deserve better. You deserve better.

    You do not need her car. You do not need her. Get back in touch with your support network (friends she ran off). You need to worry about you. She isn’t going to change. It isn’t your job to make her.

    Do not take her back and just go.

  6. I feel like you’re looking for an easy “how to” answer. There is none – which is often the case in life as you’ll find out over the next 15-20 years.

    You seem smart enough – you have the wherewithal to know what’s ok vs not and what you don’t want for yourself. You also know what’s going on and how she’s trapping you. So tell yourself everyday “fuck this/her abuse” and keep taking steps to move on.

    It’s not easy but it’s pretty simple:
    1. Take care of the big things – finances, housing, etc. Stay in a hostel or shelter, go to a church, etc. for short term if you can’t find a studio apartment. Don’t lose your job.
    2. kidnap your animals if you need to. What’s she gonna do about it. It’s yours anyways. Who cares.
    3. Cut off ties, stop talking to her, live your life. Done.

    No family, friends, or support system? Don’t matter, no excuses. Just gtfo so you can have a life. You’re starting from zero – accept it. What you build for yourself starting tomorrow will be a better future than the one you’re headed for. Important thing is to stop overthinking every detail and thinking all about her feelings and get things done.

  7. You were abused as a minor and your abuser is your benefector to date.

    It is normal for you to feel as if you have no options beyond her care because she has also segregated you from others who can pin point to you where things seem wrong.

    My advise to you is that you start by seeking counselling to overcome this experience which might not at the moment seem like you were violated as a child.

    Secondly, if you contribute to rent and other expenses, you are able to take care of yourself.

    You can start with a homeless shelter, look for your friends again and restablish connection and restart your life. Preferrably with a girl your age so you can relive your youth…

    I will keep you in my prayers if you are a believer.

  8. One thing we need to realize in this world, there is no such thing as an adult being stuck with another adult. Shes not your best fried, she is your abuser and you have the right to protect yourself. If you can’t afford to live alone, look for a roommate. You need to go

  9. Contact a DV shelter and they can usually help quick and safe ways to extract you. They also can provide legal support as well. Loveisrespect is a great one they can connect you to local support. Wipe that call from your log every time as well. You have to be very careful here. But if you feel overwhelmed by getting things together they can help

  10. Please please listen to this advice. You didn’t specify your gender but another post you made said you were a female, in a fucked up way that will make everything a lot easier as there are way more supports available for women than men in this type of situation.

    You are in an incredibly abusive relationship built on grooming behaviours and emotional and psychological control and abuse. It’s imperative that you put you first because I think it’s been a very long time since anyone has done that. You don’t deserve to be in this situation but I understand that circumstances brought you here. You’re an adult now and need to take the control back. You can’t worry about how she will get by, she did fine before you and she’ll do fine after you. You aren’t keeping her mental health at bay, you’re a prisoner of it just as much as she is.

    If you work and she drives you, you need to slowly start bringing things to work that you need such as identification, legal documentation, diploma, and stock up meds if you’re on any and keep any money you can squirrelled away. If you have a locker at work keep it there, if you have a coworker or boss that you trust ask them to hold on to it for you. Tell her you’re working longer shifts so you can get a game plan together and call domestic abuse shelters in your area. They can help you to make a game plan and execute it when you are safe to do so. You do not have to live in this situation any more. Abusers like her use their mental health as an excuse to abuse and manipulate the people in their lives who care for them. It’s a cycle as I’m sure you’ve realized. What she threatens to do to herself isn’t your responsibility to intervene in. If she threatens to hurt herself call 911 and tell them that the person you’re living with is making threats of ending their life. If she becomes unstable mentally, same call needs to be made. If she threatens you or tries to hurt you, get to safety and call 911 and if you feel safe with the police please tell them how long she has been sexually abusing you while in a position of trust and an acting parental role.

    Please call a domestic abuse shelter. They will have so many resources to help you. They can help you with transportation, getting new documents, finding a safe place to live eventually, therapy, life classes and on and on. Mostly they will support you and make sure that you know deep in your bones that you didn’t and aren’t doing anything to deserve any of this. It isn’t your fault. That woman should eventually, when you’re ready, face the law for her actions and crimes committed against a vulnerable child who had no one and nothing in the world except to be loved and wanted.

    Please choose you. You deserve all of the good things in life and no more pain or abuse.

  11. It sounds really unhealthy. if you’re working full time, look around for a small place on your own or a shared house. Maybe you could think about getting back in touch with your mom as well? Now time has passed, you’re working and an adult, things might feel more equal.

  12. She’s abusive. Just bite the bullet and leave her and take your pets with you, reach out to those friends she isolated you from and tell them what’s going on and see if they will help you leave

  13. I feel like none of the people in the sub have actually been in your position, so I’m going to offer advice from someone who has been in you position. I was kicked out at 17, taken in by someone much older than me, who then began to abuse me after isolating me to a point where I didn’t have anyone to turn to for help in getting out of my situation.

    If you’re going to do this, do it right. You can try to call places specifically meant to help in these types of situations, you could check out homeless shelters, you could even call the police and try to have her charged with statutory rape depending on the laws in your area. However, these things are often not as helpful as you think they will be. Organizations for domestic violence survivors are often very biased about who they help. They want to see a damsel in distress- a young woman showing up with two black eyes, a limp, and a backpack with four things in it. I tried to get help from a number of those places and was turned away every time. And I am a young woman who did look very much abused, just not abused enough. Maybe it’s different in your area, but that was my experience so this is my perspective.

    Trying to call the police likely won’t help you much either. They will drag their feet for months filing paperwork and preparing court dates, and if they do find a place for you to stay in the meantime, it’s probably not going to be a place that’s a whole lot better than where you’re at now. The same goes for homeless shelters. Going to a homeless shelter will expose you to a slew of people just like your ex, plus a laundry list of other shit you don’t want or need to be exposed to. Again, that’s just my experience, so that’s my perspective.

    My advice? Use the bitch for everything she’s worth and then some. The very FIRST thing you need to do is start driving and working on getting your own car. I can tell you from personal experience that that is the number one way she is controlling you, whether you realize it or not, and something that is being tragically overlooked in this comments section. So while you’re with her, and she’s paying half the rent, take this time when it will be easier for you to save money to get a car and a driver’s license. I’m assuming you already have a job, so that’s a good thing. Don’t lose that job, and if you do quit, make sure you’re moving to a better job. Once you’ve got that taken care of, you’ll have a hundred times more freedom. If nothing else, you can live out of your car. It’s not as hard as people like to think it is. If you apply common sense to the situation, it’s not difficult to live fairly comfortably out of a car. Hopefully, it won’t come to that, but if you’re anything like me, you’ll be willing to do it in order to get away from your abuser. From there, you’ll be able to save money even faster, since you wont have that half rent payment every month (assuming your car costs are less than what your rent payment is now) and you’ll eventually be able to get a place of your own, or possibly find a roommate. During this time, you’ll want to start working on building your credit. This won’t necessarily cost you a lot of money, as there are organizations in place specifically designed to help people build credit without it costing them thousands of dollars. Look into what might be available in your area. Some credit unions can also be extremely helpful here. Banking with a credit union can also make it easier to get a car, and sometimes even find a place to rent. But having credit will definitely help you find a place to rent.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I promise you, if you can just work towards getting a car to drive, it’s going to make your life and the process of getting away from your abuser 10000% easier.

  14. You know what you have to do… everything you complained about are pains that no one should have to bare. She’s grooming you in all aspects of your life.

    You know right from wrong and this is why you’re posting here. You need affirmation because the only other voice you hear is hers.

    Yes bank some money. Make a plan. You are complaining about your situation because it’s horrible. The upside is that you are capable enough to know this is a fucked up situation. Your first step was this post. We support you!

    2nd step: know that you aren’t stuck! You can do this!

    3rd: Make a plan. Run it by someone you trust or get a Reddit consensus.

    4th: execute the plan. Get away from the lady. You can attain peace and joy! But those things require action and consistency.

    We’re rooting for you!

    Also I wonder is it possible to report this woman?

    Is there any family you can turn to? Your mother or father or other relatives won’t take you back in? At 16, hell yeah youre rebellious, and separation is good. Unfortunately that woman took advantage of you. Maybe it’s time to see if relationships can be repaired. “It’s Better to ask and be told no than to not ask at all.”

  15. Call 911 and tell them this woman basically kidnapped you at 16 and you now have enough freedom to have a phone.

    She is abusing and holding you captive against your will. She isn’t your best friend. She’s your captor and your abuser.

    Get safe. NOW.

    Edit:
    Get them to take her to psych ward. She cannot hold someone captive because she can’t handle life.

    Get therapy. You clearly have some kind of Stockholm’s

  16. Ok here’s the thing. She has you mentally trapped. She has manipulated, raped, and emotionally abused you for so long that she has developed this codependency situation. You are in the perfect time to leave her, but from what I’m reading she has you codependent mentally and emotionally. Now what I’m saying is serious. RUN, do not walk. Because I will tell you right now, her next move will be to get herself pregnant and then you will truly be stuck. And she has shown that she’s not about abusing and raping you. As a matter fact, go to the police and report her for statutory rape and grooming and press charges. And she will blame everyone but herself. Go and find you a job, get a paycheck, and get out on your own because it’s only downhill from here if you stay.

  17. Start saving bits of money, keep eyes out for ppl renting a room in there place (rooms are cheaper and easier to aquire, ) you feel groomed b.c u were. Your feelings are valid. Now decisions have to be made and plans started. Dont let you tubers teach you , get a professional if you can.

  18. You’re 19 you said?

    You’re not stuck anywhere. You can leave. The door is right there.

    Is it easy? No.

    You might need to go to a shelter for homeless people if you don’t have anywhere to go right now. Though you might want to look into support groups for male victims of domestic abuse.

    But you can, absolutely, leave.

  19. You are ‘Best Friends’ newsflash- she is not your friend. You say she is mentally ill and you’re her only support-however if you don’t make a clean break you will soon be mentally ill as well. It is clear she is controlling you and anything has to be better than what you are going through. Your way forward is to set a date, no more than 12 weeks away, on which you will leave. Although she ‘ran your friends off’ those who are actual friiends will still be there for you you just need to re-connect with them. Amass every bit of money you can, if you have a joint bank account open another one that is yours, it’s either that or hide cash at home. As you come to the last rent payment before your set date don’t pay add it to your stash and on teh day you have set leave, just like that no words no discussion just disappear, go. Get a train or a bus (even in the US it is possible to live without a car) back to your home town where your old friends live and stay briefly with those you’ve reconnected with before setting up by yourself and building a better life.

    You will find a dozen excuses to do nothing- you don’t want to leave your furniture, she can’t manage without you, you can’t drive, you can’t find your old friends- but at the end of the day the hardest thing to do is the most necessary- living in a tent in the Rocky Mountainns on tree bark and water is better than where you are

  20. You’ve gotten some good advice here, I hope it’s helpful to you and you’re able to get away ASAP! You call her your ex, so I’m assuming you aren’t having sex with her, but I want to emphasize how incredibly important it is never to have sex with her again. I’m sorry you’re in this awful position, I wish you the best.

  21. Repeat after me: YOU’RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANOTHER PERSON MENTAL HEALTH. Then repeat it for yourself until the message stays with you.

    If you want to leave, then start planning. First get your drivers license. Then find yourself a new place to live, search for a (sane) roommate to divide the costs. Look at adds online, papers, ask around your job.

    Then get your documents and your pets and get out. Close any bank account you may share with her. Also remove your name of the lease if that’s the case.

    Also pleeeeeease make a claim with SPCA or similar animal protection society to help the poor cat with anal bleeding, because really?!? It needs treatment urgently. This is animal abuse. She’s a despicable person to let this thing go untreated.

  22. store some money up. find the shittiest/cheapest flat or apartment and live there. i lived in a poor area my entire life and once you get used to it, it’s not t h a t bad. as long as you know what you’re doing, you’ll be okay, and honestly anything is better than her. once you move out, you can save freely until you can move out somewhere nicer.

    DO NOT TELL HER WHERE YOU’VE MOVED TO.

    delete all her contacts, change ur phone number & social media, get rid of any tracking devices on your phone (abusers like to do that) and move out of town. and finally, tell her to get help before she does the same thing to someone else (what she does once you’re gone is ABSOLUTELY NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS OR PROBLEM, do not feel bad for anything she does as that is not your fault, it is hers).

    if you need new furniture, try charity shops/thrift shops (im not sure where ur from or if they have them there, but if ur from the UK, some charity shops do pretty good sofas for like £30). use a sleeping bag for a bed if you dont have one yet.

    genuinely, moving out is 100x better than staying with her. you will end up severely unwell or, even worse, dead

  23. Dude, you were a minor when she took you in under the false pretense of looking after you. You being her responsibility is something she signed up for. Instead, she’s been taking advantage of you in every possible way so that she doesn’t have to change. She literally owes you EVERYTHING. I am absolutely disgusted, as a wife, as a mother, as a person people my age have called mom because they needed me, as a victim of childhood sexual abuse, from every corner my skin absolutely crawls for you and everything in me wants to either rescue you or find a way to get you out. You are someone’s baby. If you had kids and they were in this situation you’d lose it! So show yourself the same love and run. You are loved, and you deserve and are owed so much better than you’ve been given. Please run, even if it means sleeping in a car, a homeless shelter, repairing burnt bridges, anything. Nothing is worse than this.

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