Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI think my best friend wants my boyfriend

I think my best friend wants my boyfriend

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (21M), we will call him Matt, for 4 and a half years. We are a very healthy happy relationship, he’s my favourite person in the world. I have been very close friends with a a girl (21F), we will call her Cassie, since we were 11 years old. Our friendship has had it’s bumps but overall its been a pretty good one.

Cassie has been single for just under 2 years, and she’s often talking about how she wants a fling or a boyfriend, specifically someone like my Matt. We are very mindful and considerate of the fact that she is lonely, so when we hang out as a group or even the three of us, Matt and I don’t show each other really any affection or lovey dovey stuff as we know she could get upset. I believe that she idolises him because of how amazingly he treats me, so overtime this has formed into a lust and desire for him. There have been a few instances however where she has really crossed a line and I don’t know what to do about it.

Cassie has a private story on snapchat, where she told me she has only girls and Matt on it. This was weird because her and Matt are friendly, but she only knows Matt as my boyfriend, not her friend. Anyway, she began posting extremely sexual videos of herself on this story which was weird to post on something you just had your girlfriends on. One specific time she was posting her trying on clothes, including these tiny shorts which she was shaking her ass in right in front of the camera. Why did she want just her girlfriends and Matt to see this?

A couple months ago, Cassie sent me a picture of a photo of a guy in one of the houses she cleans, and she said how much he looked like Matt. They looked really similar. Last week, she told us in our girls group chat how at one of the houses she cleans there is this guy who is so hot, and said she was going to try find a picture. When she finds and sends it, it was that same picture. So I replied with, “Wow, he looks like Matt.” and she just said “I know!”. I found this weird seeing she was the one to point out how he looked like Matt in the first place, but I let this slide.

Another instance is one girls night, we were all talking about our typical types. She starts describing Matt, “I love blonde hair, blue eyes, and I love nerdy gamer boys” my other friend actually pointed this out saying she thought she was describing Matt also.

There was also this time were our friend group was hanging out with drinks at the house Matt and I were house sitting for the week. Matt got really drunk and hopped out of the pool and was sitting inside. I was offering him food and water and looking after him, and he was telling me he felt a little unwell. Cassie comes rushing inside and made a big fuss, baby talking him and asking if he was okay or if he wanted her to make him some food. Don’t get me wrong this was nice I guess, but I was right there doing the same thing and she was talking to him as if he was her boyfriend.

She is always calling him cute, handsome and gorgeous. Not just to me, but to his face too. She baby talks him like he’s her own boyfriend, and no she does not do any of this stuff to anyone else, just Matt.

The most recent occurrence is what has really made me put all the pieces together. Cassie and I were planning on watching movies in my room for the afternoon. Matt was still at my place and was with my younger sister in her room, but was about to leave. When she first arrived, we went and sat in my room and immediately she goes “Tell Matt he can come sit with us, he doesn’t have to hide in the other room.” which he wasn’t because he was with my sister. So I went and told him and he said “nah I’m going home now for a bit anyways”, and Cassie says “What why? Am I not fun enough for you.” really weird and awkward, Matt just laughed and left. A few hours later he came back to my place and came in my room to say hi, then he then went in our lounge room. Cassie was showing me her saved tiktok edits of hot guys, and she gets to one and goes “This guy looks so much like Matt.” He didn’t, he was just blonde, but I found it weird how she was looking for my boyfriends features in hot guys? Then comes the worst part. She showing me a couple on tiktok that she thought was really cute, and Matt came into my room to grab his charger. As she was showing me this tiktok of the couple, she was not looking at Matt, she was not showing Matt the video, she was just watching it. She then lets out a MOAN and said “Ugh Matt!”, and then acted like it didn’t just happen. This was so weird, did she say it on accident? Why was she thinking of MY MATT when watching a relationship video? It was so weird and Matt and I were incredibly uncomfortable.

I do really love Cassie, I just do not know what to do about this. But this whole ‘crush’ has seemed to grow over the past few weeks, I really want to be wrong about it but theres so many situations I just don’t know if I can get past it. I’ve spoken to Matt about it and he agrees and said it makes him really uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to be around her. I also don’t want to ruin our friendship or hurt her feelings because she’s really sensitive and over the top. What do I do?

EDIT : I should also mention she is a depressed and mentally unstable person, I don’t want to be mean and hurt her, but she’s just taking it too far.

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  1. If setting healthy boundaries ‘ruins the friendship’, then I’m sorry to say – its not much if a friendship.

    I actually would just stop hanging around Cassie and focus on other friendships and your bf.

    The pattern of choices she has made is clear enough that it warrants stepping away.

  2. You are seriously thinking about what to do when your partner has made it crystal clear that he is uncomfortable around her? What’s there to debate about? He has all reason to be uncomfortable!

    You need to keep her away from him because I can see already her making real moves on him and if he rejects her, she’ll spin a story about them hooking up so you break up or if that doesn’t work, she’ll accuse him of SA or something. If she can’t have him, no one can, that’s her brand of crazy.

    You must set a clear boundary with her and if she gets all pissy – let her, she’s alienating herself. She is NOT your or his friend if she does stuff like that.

  3. You need to tell her that matt told you that she is making him really uncomfortable and you see it too. He should literally block her on snapchat / other social media and avoid all social contact with her unless you’re present. If she comments anything else, just tell her “that’s inappropriate” there and then.

  4. You have allowed the situation to deteriorate to this extent because why? First thing, talk to Matt. Tell him everything that’s happening and why you feel uncomfortable that he’s added to an account she posts sexually suggestive content of herself. When you and Matt have spoken and discussed reasonable boundaries, then you can, talk to her. Tell her that she’s being inappropriate by lusting after your boyfriend

    Understand OP that even if she doesn’t freak out, what she’s doing won’t stop in a single day, so go low contact and tell that the reason is her behavior

  5. You need to patch up your bleeding heart and get this girl away from you and Matt.
    Start distancing yourself from her and have Matt limit his social contact with her both in person and online.
    You are young and trusting, but honey, wise up. How many more times must she tell you that she wants to fuck Matt?
    Next time he is gonna end up drink and she will fuck him.
    She is a serious danger to your relationship and you just keep her around, why?
    Because she has mental illnesses. Are you a doctor, can you fix her?
    Take many steps back from this dangerous woman.
    Or next time you are on here is to tell us she is pregnant and claiming Matt is the dad.

  6. If the roles were flipped and this was one of Matt’s friends being inappropriate with you, how would you feel if Matt was more worried about upsetting the friend than having your back?

    Also, I think it’s important to acknowledge that how Cassie has been behaving is not friend behavior. Brings to mind the quote “who need enemies with friends like these.”

    If she was hypothetically given the opportunity to become Matt’s gf, it’s clear she would do so without hesitation, your friendship with her be damned. Her priorities are clear.

    We all have good times and memories with friends that have been around that long but when they cross the line like this, none of that really matters anymore. It stops being a weighing of the pros and cons of keeping the friendship because flirting with, openly lusting after, and going after your boyfriend should be a hard dealbreaker for any friendship. No friendship is worth accepting that kind of disrespect and breach of trust. It can be hard to see in the moment but actually staying friends with and keeping someone like her around can do some serious damage to your self esteem.

    As for how to end or at least create some serious distance in the friendship? I’ve been in a similar-ish situation where I had to put a stop to a long-time friendship that was part of my larger friendship group. If you can learn from my lessons, what I would advise is:

    – Warn your other closest mutual friends either right beforehand or right after pulling the plug. Explain exactly why you’re doing it and let them know you’re not asking them to take sides or get involved. Tell them you’re just going to start new group chats without her, you won’t be hanging out with her one-on-one or in small groups anymore but you’re not going to avoid her completely either. You’re going to do your best to just be civil but distant with her going forward. If they can just warn you beforehand when they invite her to things they invite you to as well so you can decide what to do. Chances are they’ll make up their own mind on how to deal with Cassie but it’s good not to make them feel cornered.

    – Ideally, coordinate with your bf. When you end it, have him message her and say that he stands by your decision and is not interested in any kind of relationship with her going forward. Then block her everywhere. Don’t confront her together though.

    – As for meeting with her; if you meet with her in person do it somewhere public. This prevents her from doing anything too crazy. Maybe even have your boyfriend nearby but out of direct sight.

    – When it comes to pulling away from her, tell her why. You’ll feel better about how you handled it in the long run. Also, set your expectations with her on how you want interactions with her to go moving forward so she knows what she’ll be getting from you going forward. Vastly lowers opportunities for drama if you make that clear. Civil but distant is ideal IMO.

    My biggest regret is ghosting a long-time friendship that turned toxic. It hurt her initially but it hurt me more in the long run. I wish I had told her why I was ending the friendship and I also really wish I’d prepped our mutual friends better. Not doing those things made it way easier for her to make me out to be the bad guy.

  7. You need to start being lovey dovey in front of her to dispel the fantasy, it’s the only way. If you don’t want to go no contact with her then you need to show her reality. It’s so so important to “dispel the fantasy”. Maybe tell her a story about how a ‘girl hit on Matt out and about and he said he only has eyes for you’. If he is ok with this little fib. You could speak with her openly as another option, but if she is not mentally stable it may not go down well. Just dispel the fantasy in whatever way you can by showing her how in love the two of you really are.
    I’m in a throuple with my two partners and unfortunately friends sexualise us far too much. I’ve even had women ask if they can have a “sex chat” with my husband and boyfriend and I said it’s absolutely not ok for our love and our relationship to be fetishised. Even if we were going to be sexual with someone else it would never ever be a friend, so I have made it a point to say things like, “I’m so glad to have a friend like you who sees my relationship is mine and not something they can step into” or maybe I’ll complain about the couple of incidents I’ve had and then say, “I’m so glad you aren’t like that”
    But if it becomes too brazen I’ve definitely spoken up.

  8. I disagree with having your BF talk to her. She sounds delusional enough that she’d twist whatever he said into something it wasn’t. In fact, it will come out in her mind that if he wasn’t dating you, he would be with her.

    Either you need to talk to her or both of you, with you leading the way. Tell her that not only the two of you but others have noticed your obsession with Matt. Offer a “break” until she can find a new man to obsess over or date. She needs to have some time away from him.

  9. Sooo we don’t know how to deal with the crazy unstable chick that has eyes for your SO. It’s funny, sometimes from the inside things aren’t as clear as from the outside.

    She wants your man, OP. She’s probably going to make a move. You got a few options. If you trust “your Matt” then trust him to knock her down a few pegs when she inevitably goes for it. Rely on him to inform you when it happens so you have reason to cut her out of your life.

    Option 2: skip option 1 and skip right to cutting her out of your life and explain to Matt why. He should immediately understand.

    Option 3: confront her yourself and ask her. You
    Love her, I assume she reciprocates these feelings and is a close friend, check her. If she calls you delusional or insecure it’s time to go ghost. Danny phantom her ass.

    Up to you OP, but this is going down a bad road imo.

  10. Op, I think you and especially Matt need to really go nc or vlc for the next 3-6 months. At least until *After* Valentine’s Day.

    Letting her come around and make such inappropriate comments is probably giving her your tacit approval. Stop this now. Matt should block her on all sm. You should really limit what she sees on yours.

    I’m a very direct person and at various times in my youth I’ve tried to be kind to others who had issues like her. Sadly they often ended poorly and I’ve had to cut those people from my life. I prefer only people who don’t use me or are toxic to my relationships.

    She is starting something that could end poorly for all of you.

    If you prefer a direct approach. You. An with kindness.

    Friend, we need to talk. How you act towards, with and about bf is very inappropriate. I would mention 3 instances. Then continue on with his it makes you and bf feel uncomfortable and you understand she might not mean to be doing this, she is. You and bf and going to take a hiatus from the friendship for x amount of time and strongly suggest she try new activities/hobbies and expand herself so she can meet new people. In fact maybe some volunteer work at a shelter or food bank will help her stop thinking about herself and open her up to the world.

    I would have consequences.

    Good luck.

  11. Side thought that many people won’t mention. If you don’t set some healthy boundaries real soon or cut her off completely your boyfriend will slowly think less and less of you. It will cause him to doubt if you can set healthy boundaries in other places and situations with others. If you really love him and respect him for how well he has handled this you really need to step up and match his energy before it morphs into disappointment and eventually resentment.

  12. The more you allow it to go on, the further she will try and take it. Trust me. No matter how uncomfortable it may make you, you have to set boundaries. Whether that means confronting her about her behavior, or distancing yourself from her entirely.

    It might be a good idea that you and Matt both confront her together.

  13. You’re debating about what to do when your boyfriend told you he is uncomfortable? There shouldn’t be anything to debate if he has told you himself how he is feeling about it. Either confront her (no doubt she will be defending what she has been doing) or you just let your boyfriend feel the way he is feeling about what your friend is doing.

  14. If she was a real friend she would not be trying to make a play for your boyfriend. There is no excuse for that really. So far she is doing exactly what you and Matt allow her to do, and Matt should promptly remove himself from her snap chat that she puts sexual things on and block her there.

    There is no other way you can handle this, outside of sitting her down and giving her the list of things that crossed a line for you and makes Matt uncomfortable; and I suggest you do this *before* she escalates things to trying to sabotage your relationship or claim Matt did something to her because this is the direction all this is heading in.

  15. Well, first, you can’t do anything about her depression, or any other mental instability. And I think the reason you’ve stopped yourself from confronting her to date is because you’re afraid that she’ll go off the deep end.

    HOWEVER….as her disturbing behavior is intensifying, you need to get her alone and bring to her attention the fact that her actions regarding Matt have crossed not just yours, but Matt’s boundaries. Tell her that it’s becoming plainly obvious to everyone that she “carrying a torch” for Matt, and that if she’s unable to come back to reality, that you’re going to be forced to back away from her. Suggest that it’s time for her to seek a therapist that can help her unravel her fixation on Matt, and approach life from a place of reality, rather than fantasy.

    I wish you well.

  16. I had a best friend like this once, who flirted with my boyfriend and wore his clothes and many other things, it was fucking weird. It took me just about one session of therapy to realize that I needed her out of my life and it’s just given me such peace of mind.

  17. Cut her off, it is a violation of friends and she is doing it infront of your face, now you know. Cut her off entirely. Bring it out talk to boyfriend and cut her out. Did I say that? lol

  18. Yeah, so glad to hear you and your bf are on the same page with this, beyond discussing this with your bf I’d suggest maybe having a discussion with your other friends who are all in a friend group with Cassie. See if they’ve picked up on this shit going on, just kinda tell them everything you said in your post. Assuming you don’t want to just cut her off I’d recommend talking to her about this. Tell your friends that you intend to confront her before you do, just in case she goes “crazy” and maybe tries to twist the friend group around. Otherwise, you need to have a conversation with her and draw a hard boundary, if she can’t accept that or decides to push this boundary then you’ll probably have to cut her out of your life. You bf honestly probably shouldn’t be apart of this conversation as he isn’t her friend, per your post, he’s just “your bf” to her. He doesn’t need to “mend” this situation. Also, regardless of how this hypothetical conversation with Cassie goes, let’s say she admits fault and agrees to stop with this weird behavior, don’t make your bf see her. If he’s still uncomfortable and doesn’t want to be in the same space with her then don’t make him, regardless of how well she takes you setting boundaries with her, Cassie will have to accept this as well.

  19. I had a friend like that, almost drooling over my bf and sweetalking to him. I found it annoyingly hilarious. Nonetheless first chance I got I ditched her, mental or no mental problems…

  20. Reality is you’re losing your best friend due to her (I want to stress her a lot) actions. You can not control this, you can not control her feelings. You can minimize the damage and do what’s right for your relationship with your bf.

    Will it suck, yes. Will it hurt, yes. Will you miss what you two had as friends before, yes.

    But she isn’t being a friend to you. She is indulging her fantasies and because she has not been told clearly to back off, she will keep doing so.

    Be clear with her and your friend group the reasons why and pull away. It’s not easy, you’ll miss the possibilities and what has been of your friendship, but you’ll slowly realize it’s for the best as currently she’s not being a friend at all.

  21. If he’s uncomfortable with her around don’t put him into that position just because she’s depressed and whatever. Have him block her from everything before things escalate and tell him to screenshot everything if she starts sending him stuff. I’m sorry but her behavior is beyond crazy, you don’t want that around you or your boyfriend. Try going low contact and spend time with other friends instead of her. Also, explain your reasons to your closest friends so there isn’t any misunderstanding. If she ever says something about your boyfriend again call her out if you don’t do it you’re showing her is okay to mess with you cause you’re a doormat. Stand up for yourself, there’s nothing wrong with that and if someone thinks otherwise, ask them how would they feel if they were in your place and had to deal with miss crazy.

  22. Being depressed and mentally unstable is not a reason for her to disrespect you, or him, or your relationship.

    It isn’t your job to manage her feelings or issues.

    But I say put a boundary down and confront her, and if she can’t respect it, she should go.

  23. Hi. I agree with everyone here. I also want to add that she could lie and accuse you or Matt of anything. She has no boundaries, and her behavior will only escalate and become worse. She isn’t your friend anymore. She is toxic, and the person she is now is very dangerous. Her delusions could become much worse. She could start stalking him. You both need to stay away from her. Your bf needs to remove her from everything. This is your chance to stop it and protect your bf and yourself. Extricate her now from your life before you regret it. You’re one step away from becoming a Lifetime movie.

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