I met him when I was 19 and I am an immigrant, he is an American by birth. We have been married for almost 6 years. Recently, I just kind of started to realize that I have no independence and I don’t really feel my own person with desires and goals etc. My husband makes 250k a year roughly, and we live comfortably. He has given me allowances before in the past, but I’ve never been on our bank account jointly or anything. I have my own that he deposits money into when I ask. I don’t even know how to pay bills. If you set a computer in front of me and told me to pay an electric or internet bill, I would be lost because my husband has done it since I was 19. I thought I would make some changes and apply to some jobs through a staffing agency or go to school, but working being the more appealing option to me. At first he was telling me that it was good but that I “didn’t have to” get a job, but now that I’ve been been hired, something feels really wrong. He asked me why I felt like I needed a job and I told him a few reasons. 1, that I am 110% financially dependent on him, I have no idea how to pay bills and if something happened to him god forbid, I would be fucked. 2, I think it would be nice to be able to contribute here and there to little things or plan a vacation for us with my pay after a few months, and 3, I just feel like right now all I do during the day is house work. I have no friends outside of the people that work for us/him, and I just want to get out there more. I don’t know how to drive, if I need to go somewhere he takes me. If I want anything or need anything, I have to tell him, then I receive the money to acquire. To some it may sound nice, but at 24, I just see a lot of other women with degrees and careers and I feel like I want in on that. We have a loving marriage, and I do love my husband a lot, and family will always be the cornerstone of my life, but I really just want to work and make money so we have extra.
Anyways, I got hired for a decent remote role, and everything is fine except for my documents have miraculously gone missing. My birth certificate, passport and social security card are no where to be found. They are typically kept in a folder in our safe, but when I went to get them for onboarding, the password was changed. I ask my husband and he acted really strange about it, and reassured me I didn’t “need” the job, money is fine and he will just give me money? I said yeah but I want the job, and reluctantly he pulled out the folder from somewhere random I’ve never seen it kept before and handing it to me. The only problem is that my social security card and birth certificate etc are no where in it. I’ve hounded him about possibly misplacing them, but he swears they should be in the folder where they aren’t. Anytime I bring it up, he offers to “look for them” elsewhere in the house and comes back later acting strange and empty handed, and I have to remind him about the documents again. Now, everyday, when I wake up I tell him I need the documents to do my onboarding, and he “searches” for them to no avail. It’s to the point now where the recruiter is on my ass about finishing the hiring process or they will have to dismiss my offer, and everyday my husband is constantly reassuring me that I don’t “need” a job, that he can just give me money and that if I’m really bored around the house we can have a baby or get a new pet, that he’ll fund any hobby I want to try and even just flat out bought a play station 5 to keep me from feeling “too idle”. I feel guilty for even thinking it, but I’m starting to feel really uneased, like he’s purposefully preventing me from getting a job. He swears he isn’t, but I’m not sure how to go about this or what to think anymore.
You can just reapply to the government to get copies of your documents.
This time, they stay in your control.
You may lose out on this job but you need to replace your documents. Get a PO Box to have them mailed there. Then store them in a safety deposit box at the bank that your husband does not have access to. His behavior is straight up concerning.
“like he’s purposefully preventing me from getting a job.”
He absolutely is doing that. But it is so much worse, he’s preventing you from having ANY independence whatsoever. He wants you dependent on him. This relationship is toxic. He’s manipulative, abusive, controlling and possessive.
You were 19 years old when he was 30. There is a reason men like that target barely legal women, and so often prefer women who are immigrants at that (easier to control someone with no close family or friends).
This is so much worse than I fear you realize. Do you have any trusted friends you could discuss this with?
Honestly, you need your documents to even start planning an escape. And chances are, he knows this already. Do you check the mail before him? I’d start the process of getting copies of all your documents.
You are in an abusive relationship. He knows exactly where your documents are (almost certainly in that safe only he knows the code for). He wants to keep you home and entirely under his control.
Hey OP. I work in HR. I’m assuming you need it for I-9 verification. Do you have your drivers license or voter registration card???
Maybe we can figure out what documents are fastest for you to get.
Your employer can accept the receipt that the SS office gives you when you apply for a new card. Can you make it in person to apply for one?
Has he actually given you the new password for the safe, or at least opened it for you?
He’s lying to you. He knows where your documents are, and he’s hiding them from you. He doesn’t want you to get the job, he wants you to be entirely dependant on him.
You married him when you were 19? 20? And he was already 30. He preyed on you, a young immigrant in a new country, because he knew he could isolate you. He doesn’t want you to have friends, or a job, or any sort of independence, because if you do, you won’t rely on him as much, and will realise that he’s manipulative and abusive. Which is he. He’s financially abusive – yes, he gives you money, but like you said, you have 0 control over it – and he doesn’t want you to have your own income.
He’s also stolen your personal documents. He knows what he’s doing. He just wants you to be a good little wife, who does as she’s told, doesn’t answer questions, and has the house clean and dinner ready when he gets home. He does NOT care about you, only the power he has over you.
Is there anyone you can talk to? Any family, any friend at all? Because you need to get out. Reapply to get those documents, but don’t tell him. I’m afraid you’ll probably have to give up on the job, but keep searching for your documents when he’s not home. Hide away money, try and find a way to get out, even if you have to go home.
I’m really, truly sorry. You’re in an awful situation, and it’s going to be hard to get out of. Just be very careful – who knows what he’s capable of if he even gets a hint that you’re not happy.
Beat of luck
Are you now a US citizen or permanent resident? If so, a replacement passport may be able to be expedited to you. Check at https://travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/passports/have-passport/lost-stolen.html
You may be able to get a same day replacement for your social security office, as well.
You may also want to connect with an organization that specializes in cases like yours. This site explains your rights of you are not a US citizen/legal resident, but even if you are, those rights still apply.
That link also has the phone number to the domestic abuse hotline, who may be able to assist you further.
I wish you the best of luck.
I don’t know if anyone has said anything about it before, but destroying government and state-provided documents is a felony in certain states and municipalities. I would consider filing for a divorce and reporting him to authorities as soon as possible.
Everyone is acting like her husband doesn’t have access to that bank. She can’t do anything herself over here, bc he never got her the access to learning for it. So get the documents and GET A NEW BANK ACCOUNT. keep the one he has and you can remove money and put it in yours.
Op, there are immigration protections for people on spousal visas. If you leave due to domestic violence, there are paths for you to keep your residency. It’s probably not your first priority but as a wife on a green card, it would be on my mind.
Will the recruiter accept your passport for now, until you get your SS card?
Do you know your SS#?
Edited to add – He is controlling and isolating you!!
Log into your bank account and search how to pay bills and such. Take money from that account and with your passport set up another account at a different bank.
Think of a hobby he will give you money for and get out to make some friends!!
Your birth certificate is not original; it’s a copy requested to wherever you were born.
What he did is a crime; that is, hiding or destroying a social security card and passport. You can call the police and they will send people to literally go through your house and turn it over to find them.
I would tell him that if they don’t turn up, you are going to have to call the police and file a report. Maybe someone stole them and is trying to steal your identity. Of course he hid them, but play dumb and then eventually go and file a police report!!! You are going to need the report to get all of the documents done again.
You need to go to a domestic violence organization so they can help you get all of your paperwork back; you can make it again but it’s going to cost money and time. You need to get everything back and also, freeze your credit because he could be applying for loans in your name.
Also, you don’t have money now, but if you divorce he needs to give you money, unless you have a prenup.
This is really scary feeling just reading it
The good old 10 year age difference. Why was a 30 year old with a 19 year old? Why for the power, he can tell himself that’s he’s better then you, that your still a child, then put you in a position where your not dependant on him. He could cheat on you, do anything horrendous and what could you do about it? Your stuck with him. Even after he stole your documents and sabotage you from getting a job and taking a little agency for your life to him.
I would strongly suggest you start contemplating what an escape plan would look like for you. This man is isolating you and keeping you wholly dependent on him in order to control you – it is textbook abuser behavior.
Think about what resources you currently have that he has no control over. Do you have friends or family within reach? If not you could contact your country’s embassy for assistance, and there are also many worthwhile organizations that exist solely to help women who are victims of abuse (like you are). Any of the above resources can help you set up a bank account that is solely in your name, as well as assist you with getting your identification documents. Please be careful – far too often men who engage in financial abuse and isolation will resort to more drastic methods, including violence, if they see their control slipping away.
When you get your copies of your documents working on memorizing your social so that way you can have it whether he wants you to or not.
Edit: if I were you I’d start saving money and learn how to use an atm and how to drive in case you need to make a quick escape, he sounds extremely controlling and predatory.
That’s abusive and scary.
Eta: I had to replace all of my documents because of my abusive mom withholding them and “losing” them. My passport cost $150+ and it took like 3 months to obtain (I paid extra to get it fast.) birth certificate was about $20 and I got within 20 minutes. SS# took about 2-3 weeks and was free. Hope this helps, you can look up where to get all of these documents in your city online. If you need help, dm me and I can research it for you.
You can contact the Social Security Administrator office and ask for a new ss card. Contact your embassy to figure how to get a new passport. However this one might be tricky because most modern passports are biometric which means you’d have to make an appointment with your embassy to submit passport application and have your fingerprints taken…
So that’s one issue.
Second one is… You’re in an abusive relationship. You should leave. Do you have a green card? Or are you US citizen already? If you don’t know where to start you could contact local women shelters. Abuse is not always physical. Emotional or financial abuse are real as well.
Can you contact USCIS to get copies of your documents?
We had to send so much in for my husband to get his green card, and they keep all of it.
If nothing else, I think you should be able to contact them about this situation and get help- there is a process for spouses of American citizens on a K-1 visa or marriage based green card experiencing abuse (physical, financial, or sexual) to receive assistance, even in filing for a green card without their abuser being notified.
Get those forms, but also consult with an immigration lawyer, there ought to be someone who can help (edited to add- I’m suggesting this for help in obtaining the documents, and for help with filing or requesting help from USCIS in getting your legal documents without your spouse knowing) and I am sure there are some who work pro bono/free for situations like this.
If you DM me and let me know your area, I can do some research for you you want/need, and want/need to keep that hidden from your spouse.
A 30 year old married a 19 year old and made her wholly dependent on him. He controls where she goes, and all her documents are gone. There’s red flags waving hard all over the place. You definitely need a plan to get yourself out from under this control
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As an immigrant you should know that him keeping your vital documents from you can be viewed as trafficking.
Red flag, groomer. GO LADY GO.
Isn’t it like, breaking the law or some shit to destroy someone’s passport
Reapply for copies of them and put them in either your own safe or in a safety deposit box in a bank. He’s trying to sabotage you.
Red flags all over this. I worry for your future.
I am really sorry but at the moment you are his property. My only advice: run as fast as you can. What he is doing it is abuse
Oh holy shit this sounds exactly like my old relationship. Right down to the buying a PlayStation and any game I wanted, telling me I didn’t need to work or I could just work for him, telling me I should just have a kid if I continue to be bored. He told me I didn’t need to see my family and that his family is now my family. Fast forward to me catching him scrolling on a dating app in the Uber on the way to a double date.
You’re fully dependent on him and while that may be some women’s preference, it doesn’t sound like it’s yours. I would make concrete steps to become financially independent from him. Get a library card and start going to the library and learning how to use the computers there. They should have computer literacy classes you can take. Ask the librarian. Order an Uber while he’s at work and get yourself down to the your home country’s embassy/consulate and tell them about your situation. Notify your family of what’s going on and see if they can help. I’d also open up a bank account and transfer a small amount of money that your husband wouldn’t notice into your new account. The bank tellers can help you.
Have you tired ripping the house apart when he’s at work? Maybe they’re hidden in a good place. Like an air vent or something? That would certainly be faster then getting new ones. Or maybe even in his car or briefcase if he Uses one.
You get help and get out. Now.
This is abuse and controlling. You know he’s lying to your face right? He knows where they are. He wants control.
He wants to control the money, your literal identity, and where you go. He isn’t a good person. This isn’t normal. My teenagers, who are minor children, have more control of themselves than you do.
DO NOT LET HIM NEAR YOUR BIRTH CONTROL! You need to be hyper vigilant or you will suddenly find yourself pregnant.
Divorce that jerkoff and take half (and more) of all he’s worth. You’re American now, not his sex slave. Do what is best for you.
I’m 26 and my boyfriend is 36. So I’m not saying this from an anti-age gap basis. Your husband has used your youth and naivety against you. Having no financial independence is dangerous. Having to rely on your husband for every little thing is a power imbalance. Not knowing how to do basic things like pay a bill has put you in a position of fragility should he die suddenly or leave you.
You can’t escape easily since you have no money, your documents have gone missing and I’m assuming you have little to no family where you are. It’s very easy to think relationships are good when there are no problems. You were his ideal, a helpless young girl. Now that you are trying to spread your wings, not even to leave him just to give yourself a better sense of self, he has gone to drastic measures. If he really had no hand in your documentation going missing he would be more concerned for you. He’d be concerned that they’re missing because why would they be misplaced? He’d help you look.
This is not a good situation. There are other comments suggesting how to go about getting your documentation. Rely on friends and family if possible. If you lose this job opportunity, it’s okay, just try again once you have paperwork or try to show proof that you’re in the middle of obtaining your documentation. See if you could get an extension on handing them in.
Once you get a job get your own bank account. Don’t give him access. No matter what. Let this grow in case of emergencies or if you need to leave him. If he asks you why, remind him that you aren’t allowed access to his finances so there is no reason for him to be involved in yours.
If he truly loves you this won’t bother him. Everyone should want their partner to grow as a person and to gain as much happiness as they can acquire. If he’s trying to stifle you there is a problem.
Please be careful!
OP This is a huge red flag, try to get new copies of everything and keep them in a safe place, be clear with him and tell him that if you discover that he destroyed those documents it would be the biggest betrayal and is something you will never forget and will make you reevaluate the whole relationship.
Keep focusing on having your independence and begin to prepare in silence everything I case you need to leave at the moment. Open a secret account and save money there, also the new copies of the documents you get store them in a safe place outside of your house.
Don’t underestimate this behavior, is a serious break of trust.
So you don’t have a passport either. You can go to the actual office and get a new SS card.
He’s trying to keep you under his thumb and not let you meet or do other things. This is a form of abuse and you need to be careful. When you start working he’ll start accusing you of shit: he obv his you documents so you couldn’t get the job. Any man that wants to prevent his wife or girlfriend form growing is not the person you should want to be with
Go to your countries Consulate.
They will replace your documents.
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