I (23f) have been dating my (24m) boyfriend for almost 2 years now. He is my first serious relationship. One of the many reasons I liked him in the beginning was because he never asked for nudes, EVER. I’ve never been comfortable sending them so I really liked that about him.
Around 6 months into our relationship I noticed he was acting kind of odd with his phone. He would always turn his phone away from my slightly when a notification would come up on his phone and he opened it to respond/look at it. If he wasn’t planning on responding he would look at it and then flip his phone over. Looking back now, I am pretty sure he was doing this from the start but I didn’t catch on to it until later. Around a year into the relationship, he left his phone on the couch while he went into the other room to heat up some food for us to snack on while watching a movie. His phone buzzed, but at the time I didn’t realize it was his so I picked it up. I have always told myself I wouldn’t be “one of those girls” who goes through someone else’s phone so I felt guilty when this happened. A girl (we’ll call her L), had snapchated him. Because of what he had been doing with his phone(and because I felt guilty about seeing it), I asked him about her. He said it was a “random girl that won’t leave him alone.” I’m naive and thought nothing of it at the time. I did however look her up on IG later that evening and to my surprise, he followed her on IG but she did not follow him(his account his private btw)…
Anyways, throughout the next few months, every so often I would catch a notification on his screen from her. As time went on, I became more suspicious and aware of it.
It happened again super recently. Because I have questioned him multiple times now and got the same response as above, I decided not to ask. Instead, I followed her on instagram(mine is not private). I thought that perhaps it would get a reaction out of her, or my bf. Well a day or two later, I decided it was immature of me so I unfollowed her. The following day I received a DM from her saying that they have been sending nudes back and fourth for practically our entire relationship. She apologized and said she had no idea we were dating (which checks out considering he’s never posted me ANYWHERE besides facebook).
My bf and I had a very long convo about it. At one point he got super weird and defensive so I asked for his phone (which again, hurt me because I never wanted to be that person). His tone shifted and I knew something was up so I then demanded to see his phone. There were at least a hundred pictures from random girls on snapchat and his camera roll. Some from past relationships that he never deleted (???) and others from super recently. He deleted all of them without arguing or me pleading for it. I asked and he listened. He deleted his passcode from his phone without me even asking. He told me I can look through his phone whenever I feel like doing so. I’ve looked at his phone once since then and didn’t find anything. He knows he fucked up (or so I think). He’s been so nice to me since this happened, but even so, I don’t look at him the same way anymore.
Long story short, now that I have seen what was on his phone. I cannot look at him the same way. I still love him dearly. I don’t want to lose him. He means the world to me but this situation has completely shattered me and my trust for him. Basically, I was just wondering what other people have done in this situation. Were you able to fix the relationship, and if so how? We live together (and our lease isn’t up for a long time) so we can’t just break up (and I do not want to). I just want things to go back to normal again. I miss the trust and that love that I had for him. He’s my best friend, I don’t want to lose him.
TLDR; My bf has nudes from past relationships, snapchat bots(?), and other random girls on his phone. Some from super recently and some from before we started dating. After I caught him, he deleted everything without a fight. He deleted his passcode and said I can look through his phone whenever I feel like it. I want to continue dating him but sometimes it’s hard to even look at him because of the pictures that I saw. I want to move on with our relationship, but I’m not sure how to heal from this situation. He’s my world but my heart still hurts and he lost my trust.
Separate the person you thought you were loving, and the actual person you love. How are those two different?
Then take a step back from yourself, and look at the situation like you were advising a sister or a good friend. As a person, what do you expect and deserve? Is it a boyfriend who goes behind your back for nudes, a boyfriend who lies to you?
Then think about how you’ll feel going forward with this knowledge. You’d be going forward with the *actual* person you love, the knowledge of his behaviour and how this has made you feel. What will that look like on an everyday basis?
I’ve been through a very similar situation, and I tried to move forward with that person, and it didn’t work. I had an ongoing concern he’d do it again, despite him being open and regretful, and spoiler alert… he did. He just got better at hiding it. Months down the line my self-esteem was down the drain and he’d convinced me I was losing my mind. I do not recommend it.
He will never be who you want him to be. The longer you stay, the more you lose yourself and waste your time.
I know you love him, and it’s hard to lose people you care about but you deserve better. You can’t have a relationship without trust, and you don’t have it anymore. More importantly, you should feel happy being around your partner, not have a hard time even looking at him.
If you don’t think your feelings will change, end it. You deserve better girl and I’m sure can find someone better. There’s never an excuse for cheating
I noticed straight up that you open your post with something you like about this guy. That’s your issue, you need to forget all that because he wiped out any good with his more recent actions. There are other guys out there who’ll treat you properly without the cheating, have hope and let this one go.
He’ll do it again just sneakier this time or maybe the same way, he knows you’re not going to leave so he’s going to fuck you and get attention from you and fuck other girls, mess with other girls, exchange nudes all the shit. I mean what are you going to do? Leave him? Nah, you already showed him you’re not doing that so enjoy your stupid pain I guess until you actually get some sense.
I was in a similar situation (accidentally found out my boyfriend was asking other girls for nudes). I chose to stay with him because I loved him and couldn’t fathom our relationship ending.
I came to deeply regret staying with him. I should have broken up with him on the spot. I was an incredibly trusting person before this happened, maybe too trusting. After this incident I couldn’t trust him, and was constantly looking over his shoulder at his phone. I was constantly anxious when he went out without me.
We tried to work on it. He deleted a bunch of numbers and gave me his phone passcode. But these were only temporary things, and once he felt comfortable he went back to his old ways. Due to my new vigilance with his phone I was constantly catching him in weird little lies. Downloading sketchy apps like Kik. Talking to random girls I’d never seen before. Things he had been doing all along that I’d previously never even considered.
I started to become someone I disliked. I was fearful, anxious, and suspicious all the time, when before I’d been chill to the point of being oblivious.
In the end it became too much and I lost feelings for him. I even told him he could have a “hall pass” when I went away on a trip, and I felt nothing. That’s when I knew the relationship was over. The breakup was a lot more painful for him than it was for me.
So my advice, as someone who’s been in your shoes, is to cut your losses now and break up with him. There is nothing but misery ahead. What he did to you is traumatizing, and by staying you’ll just retraumatize yourself constantly. Trauma can make you into someone you don’t recognize. It’s taking me a long time to find myself again after that relationship.
Cheater will always be cheater. There is no going back, the fact that he cheated and lied to you will eat you up. Every time you look at his face it will be a cheater’s face, smirking. The same facial expression he does when he’s asking for nudes from another woman. He probably will buy a second phone or create another account. You will never know.
I mean what are the chances of him cheating again when he has only cheated on you 5629374 times since the beginning of your relationship and only deleted the evidence because and when he got busted to pretend to take responsibility for his actions.
Realisticly speaking, you have 3 options: break up, get over it or stay in a relationship where you are unhappy. Thats it. None of them are easy, so its up to you to decide which one seems the most productive to you.
Things will never go back to normal after this. You’ll likely always be wondering in your mind if/when he’ll do it again. I highly doubt he’s been cheating your entire relationship and all of a sudden went cold turkey, they rarely do. You know why he’s being so nice and open now? He wants you to let your guard down so he can go back to cheating.
Think you should just move on now before you get even more invested.
Me and my ex situation: I found out he had a dating account, he apologized, I forgave, we moved on. 6 months later, he had a dating account, but he hid it so well that I only found out by miracle (a friend happened to see him, he doesn’t know her but she saw his pic before).
Moral of the story: I don’t think he will stop doing that, he probably will get better at hiding it. Also, once the trust is broken, it’s very hard to rebuild, almost impossible.
Trust is something thats earned, and earning takes time.
You can’t wave magic wand and skip that, it’s going to have to play out.
Have some self respect. End the relationship.
He got caught, he won’t be stupid enough to get caught again, doesn’t mean he’s not gonna continue doing it
Yes it has been very hard. Im so very sorry about what is happening with your situation. Thanks for answering/responding. Im just wondering what other people go through as well. Yes it was absolutly an emotional affair but he also took it to another level with the hello/goodbye kisses. I know they are not making out kisses according to him. But reguardless they all happened behind my back which make it too sneaky for me to be ok with it. I almost left him but decided to give it a try. He quit the band and cut ties and is working on not drinking anymore which is why all this happened. Drinking and girl groupies but the band girl was absolutly an emotinal affair that went too far.
I have learned alot about myself and about cheating. I am not so sure if people can ever get past cheating. It sure seems like everyone cheats anymore. I havnt heard of one couple I know that has not delt with some kimd of infidelity. Its hard. Its tough. Good luck my friend.
Im so sorry. I just went through something like you did with my BF. I found out he had been kissing other woman throughout our entire relationship. He is in a band and claims its a band/bar thing. I found out one of his band members (whom he also kissed more then once) confessed feelings for him. The flirting was always there but it got more involved after she told him she had feelings for him. He says nothing else ever happened but I will never know for sure. We have been dating for two years and we live togather.
My point is that we have worked past it. I found out in May and its now Oct. I still have a hard time with it and I have a hard time being sexual with him now. I used to want him so bad everyday now I never do anymore. Do you have this problem as well?
He showed who he is, don’t paint a different picture
Move on. He does not care about you nearly as much as you care about him.
If he shows genuine remorse and guilt, and ask his to get rid of everyone and everything that could cause something like this to happen again. Then yes try the relationship again but if he is defensive and reluctant to get rid of these things then it’s not going to work, it’s going to take time and it’s going to be hard, trust me I’m in a similar situation myself right now, but he does what was previously mentioned and you can see a genuine effort from him, then give it another shot
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