Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship Advicei was ghosted (36f) after dating a guy (35m) for 8 months....

i was ghosted (36f) after dating a guy (35m) for 8 months. but i get it…

So I thought I met my soulmate. I wasn’t looking for him. I was happy and contented alone. But chance happened and 8 months ago we met from a mutual friend and since then it’s been explosive attraction. I’m autistic and I’ve been very upfront about that. Told him that I don’t do well with non verbal communication.

He’s been good at vocalising his feelings with me so as not to leave me wondering

He enthusiastically brought up having kids down the line, we talked about moving it together but i would rather do that when it’s not out of necessity but when we’re ready.

We went on holiday together. All went great. In general, we’ve built a very close friendship together.

There’s a couple of issues.

His ex was genuinely stalking him. She was abusive emotionally and physically and has been threatening suicide.

I’ve been fairly patient with him on this. I had a stalker a couple years back and it was awful. Had to get the police involved etc. So i understand how difficult this is.

I should also state that I’ve been under extreme emotional pressure. I’ve been working 55 hours a week trying to save to get a piece of property. As I’m currently living with awful housemates.

I’m exhausted. Burnt out. And yeah probably haven’t been the most fun to be around this month

Nor has he. He decided to stop taking his anti depressesants about 2 months back and he’s been kinda of distant and irritable. I’ve been patient cause I went through this myself.

But still, we haven’t been arguing. Just he can tell how stressed i am.

So two weeks ago, we went on a date. Had a great day. Made beautiful love together. The next day we went out to a gig.

Everything went well. We were heading home and out of no where, his ex comes and tries to physically pull him away. He’s actually physically struggling to break free.

I tell he to stop and that she needs to move on. And she continues. I hit her. A couple times.

I’m not a violent person. It was a stupid act and I’m aware that I made a huge mistake. I don’t think i hit her hard. She didn’t bleed. I just wanted her to stop.


He told us to go separate ways. He didn’t come home with me that night.

I apologized. I called, I texted.


It’s been two weeks. I’m absolutely devastated.

I had a nervous breakdown. And he was there to see it. And I’ve hurt someone i barely know and someone I love more than anyone.

I feel disgusted with myself

I sent him a message yesterday saying I hope we can mend things and I understand that he needs space but if it’s over please just give me a goodbye.

I’m worried about him. And his own mental state. I’ve contacted his friend and asked him to check on him and make sure he’s okay.

But I just don’t know. Should I move on? Is there any hope? Because I’ve heard nothing I honestly just don’t know.

I’ve been to getting treatment for my anxiety recently and I’m going to start going to therapy.

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  1. He might be feeling a bit stunned seeing that side of you. But I understand why you did what you did. Idk why people in the comments are acting like they wouldve remained calm and known what to do in that situation.
    Her stalking also takes a toll on you and you just couldn’t keep it in anymore.
    If I was being stalked by a man and he then physically tried to pull me as I’m struggling to get out, my boyfriend would also get physical with the man.

    I’m sorry you got ghosted, he may not be thinking about you and instead focusing on the fact that you got violent due to his trauma.

  2. I think you did right by defending your bf. I’d hit her too if I was in your place, if I saw an abusive bf’s ex going physical on him.
    Pity he didn’t understand that.
    I hope you find someone who truly care about you and understand you!

  3. well sorry to hear that, its nice that you have this place to vent.

    And since you totally understand the situation all i’ll say is good luck in your future endeavors.

  4. >Everything went well. We were heading home and out of no where, his ex comes and tries to physically pull him away. He’s actually physically struggling to break free.
    >I tell he to stop and that she needs to move on. And she continues. I hit her. A couple times.

    You hit her **after** she *physically* tried to remove someone who told you that they didn’t want to go with them? To me, that sounds like a defensive action. If I saw someone manhandling a friend and trying to pull them/compel them where they want them to go and I believed they didn’t want to go? I would physically intervene and I would be willing to hit that person to get them to release the other person. She laid hands on your bf first.

    I think your bf was not honest with you about this relationship completely.

  5. If ANYONE placed their hands on my husband, especially a crazy ex, I’m not going to lie I’d react the same way. The man was struggling to get away from this woman and was OP expected to just let it go? No the ex was violent with him in the past he was not safe. OP I understand your reaction, give him time.

  6. To me, if I’m being attacked by an ex and you come to my defense, that would show me you have my back in any situation. In a relationship regarding stress, every relationship have those moments where future goals go hand in hand with work stress and saving. He knew about your goals and knew that stress came with that. He seemed to know how to calm your worries with open, honest communication.

    My worries. Him stopping his meds with out his physicians approval. This never end well. Antidepressants can have a slingshot effect with ending abruptly.
    In regards to moving on. How long since you last spoke? If anything I would express your worry on a platform you know he checks. I’d wait to find out he is ok. And if he still doesn’t reach out, move on.

  7. I literally don’t think you did anything wrong. If the sexes were reversed, and an ex boyfriend was physically grabbing and trying to take a woman, and the new boyfriend assaulted him – he’d be lauded as a protector, defender, all around hero. Your BF needs help. I hope he gets it. Please stop shouldering the blame here.

  8. To be honest, it seems like it got to the point where the BF was dealing with too much drama, withdrawal from his meds, and maybe even additional relationship issues OP isn’t disclosing. This could have just been a “last straw” moment for him and he bounced.

    Ghosting isn’t right at all. But I’m not sure that he was ready to date anyone after his crazy ex anyway.

  9. He could be ashamed that his ex came and dragged at him and you got involved, that would explain why he has gone silent.

    Sadly I would chalk this up to “too complicated” to continue to be involved with.

  10. I wonder if maybe he just wants to keep you out of a messy situation and keep from dragging you further into it since the ex is still coming around and causing problems. He may feel like he needs to deal with that legally or make sure she hasn’t contacted him again for a while before he potentially puts you at risk (of her or to her).

  11. Check with his friends for sure. Do those checks.

    But, I hate to say it, I dated someone for 6 months and felt exact same way as you. Then boom, over.

    It takes quite a while to get over them, quite some effort, but life does indeed move on.

    The quicker you move on, the better.

    At the end of the day, life is about you. Be happy within yourself. Enjoy things in a new way. Life isn’t about someone else. That’s just a bonus.

    Give it time but look after yourself first.

  12. Yes move on. I don’t understand where the world has gone when people think is completely normal to just ghost someone. And he isn’t some kid of 16 years he is a grow ass adult that should have learnt how to act. To me ghosting is so disrespectful thing to do to anyone especially a person you are in relationship with.

    I suggest next time as soon as you realize that ex is in the picture break of relationship. In this case he could have called police that his ex is stalking. And yeah you went overboard. It’s not ok to hit someone, if it’s in defense then sure hit back. But think of it as a blessing in disguise. You don’t have to deal with all that drama with his ex anymore and clearly he didn’t respect you enough to be honestly with you and you don’t need such person in your life

  13. I don’t condone violence, but I do believe that you were just defending him. Still, even if it hurts, you are better off without him. He cares too much about his ex, to do sth about it. He should’ve called the police on her, but He didn’t. Don’t get surprised if you discover in a few weeks they got back together.

  14. I’m so sorry this happened OP. It could be that your (seemingly appropriate) response was triggering for him. But you’re right, he should have communicated that with you.

    It’s a shame it didn’t work out and good for you for seeking help.

    I’m sure in due course we’ll be seeing you over at r/datingoverthirty or r/datingoverforty.

    All the best

  15. it’s a bit weird to me from the sounds of it sounds like you were trying to get her off of him? that sounds like you were going to his defense? it’s strange that you would get reprimanded for that

  16. It sucks for you that he’s chosen to end things this way but I think I can understand it. From his perspective, he saw you engage in physical violence and that put you squarely in the same category as his ex. I’m not saying you are – I’m just guessing at the association he may have created. Violence seems to be a hard deal breaker for him and it’s possible that due to his traumatic last relationship, it’s just too much for him to talk this out with you.

    You have to respect his wishes here and accept that you need to let go. You’ve done what you can by asking the friend to check-in.

    As far as it comes to beating yourself up. Try to let go. A lot of people in your shoes would have reacted similarly. It wasn’t the best choice but it was an understandable choice. If the genders were reversed, no one would blink an eye.

    Ultimately, we do not know why he ended it. This fight was clearly the catalyst but it wasn’t necessarily the entire reason for this relationship ending. It may simply be he’s not in a place to be with anyone. He may have been planning to end things anyways.

    He’s not going to give you the goodbye you want. Continuing to reach out to him is just going to feel like harassment to him. You don’t need him to say it’s over. His behavior is making it clear. It’s over. You can move on without his confirmation. Closure rarely accomplishes what we hope it will. Letting go, accepting this relationship is over, and moving on is an inside job.

  17. If he’s going to ghost you and that’s how he handles problems then the reason and validity for why he did it don’t matter. I just got ghosted for the first time for no reason other than I asked what he wanted out of the relationship and we were great. I was totally starting to fall for him and we’d text a lot almost everyday. Even if he was upset over something, an adult discusses it maturely, they don’t run away. I’m glad now I got to see his true colors fairly early on

  18. I think I can speak for most men that if any guy seemingly tries to abduct a girl, let alone your own girlfriend and her stalker, we’ll punch them.

    So… Unless he’s actually still seeing that girl I don’t see how he’s acting like this
    Hard to fathom a 35-year old man not taking matters in his own hands though, doesn’t sound like a very reliable partner to me but we all have our weaker moments of course. I’d let things be.

  19. Honestly it sounds like his ex deserves WORSE than what you gave her. She sounds like a selfish b who needs to move on with her life and stop being psycho. In my opinion, you didn’t do anything wrong. You were defending someone you love. He is probably surprised and maybe he is shutting down because he had flashbacks to what his ex did to him. He should get a restraining order on her. I hope you two can work it out, but seriously I don’t think you should feel bad for what you did. That bitch deserved it

  20. The guy you were dating should have done more himself by reporting the stalking behavior of his ex to the police and got a restraining order. You don’t owe him an apology. He owes you one. Sure, violence is never the answer but attempted kidnapping, stalking, and harassment are much more severe criminal offenses committed by the ex. I am afraid to be the bearer of bad news, but I have a bad feeling that the guy you were seeing was still seeing the ex or leading her on.

    He is mentally unwell, and you are admittedly on the autistic scale. You don’t have to set yourself on fire to make someone else happy or put up with relationship boundary violations. He should have already put that ex in her place and HE is not a licensed therapist to deal with his ex’s own mental health issues. I think you may be better off without him and his drama. You deserve stability and genuine consideration in your life. I am glad you plan on getting treatment for your anxiety and plan to see a therapist. You’re doing it right. Let him deal with his own demons and inability to take care of his own drama and mental health issues.

  21. Yikes. He’s a doormat, what did he go home with her? Why he didn’t get the authorities involved? You defend him from this psycho & he tells you to leave?
    Maybe he enjoys the attention from her. How disrespectful

  22. I suspect is more related to him being off his meds recently and *possibly* still involved with her. Going off meds is a huge step and makes a person take a long look at all relationships, not just their relationship to meds.

  23. He’s still with his abusive ex. Been there, done that and got the ghosting T-shirt.

    No, he’s not over her. No, she’s not the villain he’s been painting her out to be for 8 months. He’s with her right now. That’s why he’s ghosted you. I’m sure your autism caused you to miss subtle red flags, not like it matters, the rose tinted glasses make you ignore them anyway.

    Move on.

    Appreciate the happy times and learn from this. Never get involved with someone with unresolved baggage. It’ll bring unnecessary stress and pain into your life. Let the act of him ghosting you be your closure.

    It’s a deplorable way to treat someone, let alone your romantic partner that you supposedly care for.

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