tldr; I(32m) needs advice breaking up with my autistic mentally ill gf(30f) and I know she’s not going to take it well.
I just have no idea how to approach her because I know it’s going to destroy her. I know it’s going to make her extremely depressed again and make her bed bound, she have told multiple times over the past 3 months that she haven’t been this happy in years.
Key note; We have only been dating for 3 months, talked for about 3 weeks before starting to date.
Here are my reasons why I want to end our relationship.
1. About 6 weeks within our relationship I told her I loved her(I get attached very easy) and she didn’t say it back, her response to it that she wanted to slow things down. Now fast forward to last week, she told me that she meant for us to slow down saying “love” to each other and not our feelings to each other. Since she originally told me that she wanted to slow down I have lost all my strong feelings towards her.
2. I just got a new job that’s going to take up most of my time, I am hardly going to be able to see her for now on with this new schedule. She’s already told me the other day she’s bummed out because we haven’t seen each other in 3 weeks. While she only lives 35 minutes away from me, she shares a car with her mother but 9 out of 10 times her mother is using it and it mostly been me having to go pick her up. It been eating up my gas money and she doesn’t have any $$ to help pitch in.
3. She plans to live off of disability for the rest of her life, which only gives her $800 monthly. So I(a somewhat poor signal dad) would have to be the one who has to support her financially if we got super serious in the future.
4. I am looking to date for marriage so I am looking for my forever person, with her disabilities I would have to take care of her and honestly it’s like taking care of a young adult(19-23) with special needs, sometimes.. Like for example one time she drop a small cup of ice(no water) and she just started to cry over it, like someone died.. While I will love and support whoever I end up with, I am not looking to have to take care of someone like that. Last time she was over it kind of felt like I was a babysitter and not a boyfriend.
5. She want kids. I don’t.
There are a couple of other small reasons but those are the main 5 that keeps coming to mind.
Any advice on how to approach her and end our relationship would be very helpful. She has some of her stuff here so I was thinking about putting it in a box and writing a letter then put it outside her front door.
Thank you in advance if I don’t reply to your comment.
You just have to tell her. Breakups are always hard. Box up her stuff and take it to her but please break up in person or at least by talking on the phone. Don’t just leave a note, that’s cruel.
Id use the kids reason, it’s an easy and least mean way to go about it “hey I’ve been thinking and I just can’t commit to you because we just want different things down the road, I don’t want to limit your future. I hope we can stay friends and be cordial but I have to do this for me & I don’t want you to give up having kids.” Etc etc
I could get into details here, but obviously you aren’t compatible.
If you break up (you should) please be kind. Assure her it’s not her, and leave her feelings in tact.
If you get attached quickly maybe you need to realize that lust/puppy love isn’t love, and maybe take her advice and slow down, as if it was love it wouldn’t turn on and off like a switch.
Here you go, tell her that you need your freedom and you thought you wanted this but you realize you aren’t ready and you need to move on. Tell her you’ve thought about this and you’re very sorry. But don’t engage in too much talk. Just that this isn’t what you want anymore and you are going to move on. It’s nothing about her. Just all you. That you know she’ll find someone.
If she tries to argue it at all, simply repeat that you’ve thought about it and that you need to move forward. You’re gonna do you. Be single and figure yourself out. How can she argue that? Nonsensically maybe so stick to your guns. This keeps you 100% honest and straight to the point. Which she may appreciate being autistic and all. And you need a better picker to who you get into relationships with. Don’t go around telling girls you love them before you think everything through like you listed above. It’s not fair to do that to people and you need better self awareness and awareness to the other person.
Speak kindly to her, there is no reason to be mean.
“While I have enjoyed getting to know you, I don’t believe we are compatible in the long run. Please know I think you’re a nice person, and I wish nothing but the best for you.”
You also need to back off telling partners you love them so early on. That’s the thought you don’t speak aloud. You may want to consider seeing a therapist if you get so attached so easily.
I feel like if you just say that you are realizing that you and her are not compatible long term and cite the kids reason as some others have said that is the easiest way. Probably will be a softer blow if you use that reason as opposed to listing like 5 to her
I’ve been where you are and it’s just not sustainable to be an autistic woman’s caretaker when you’re also struggling to take care of your own life. It’s hell honestly
Edit: I’m being downvoted by politically motivated pro-“neurodiversity” activists who won’t admit that there’s anything that intrinsically causes issues as opposed to everything being a social construct. I dare you be the main provider for a partner deemed more mentally ill than yourself, who punches walls like my ex, who had rage meltdowns so bad she’d attempt suicide from misunderstanding internet conversations with strangers, who couldn’t budget and ordered takeout constantly and would starve at the end of every month unless you kept paying for her food “one last time”. Do any of you know what that’s like, or are you triggered by the suggestion that autism isn’t sunshine and roses?
Break ups are hard on both ends, just be firm while saying you guys just are not compatible for a long term relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that, she’ll find her person hopefully and so will you.
Just do it and walk away, she’s an adult even if she has disabilities.
Kind of unfair what people are saying about autism, although don’t worry I don’t down vote because everyone has their opinion.
I’m a high functioning autistic, I look after myself and pay my own bills. It’s cruel that you added the bit about how much money she has in there… not that any of that matters.
You are just going to have to be honest and say the relationship isn’t what you want because you do not want children etc. Is there someone who can support your gf whilst this happens? You mention her mum, could you discuss this with her as well and ask her to support gf during this difficult time.
It’s likely your gf will try to contact you after the break up. I’d suggest going no contact so she doesn’t think there is any chance of reconciliation.
You two are not compatible, and you need to tell her that. It would be cruel of you to string her along.
Both of you deserve the chance to go find someone you are compatible with, but it’s not going to happen for either of you if you are together in relationship that isn’t working.
Autistic here. Just tell her the truth. Don’t make up some kind of bullshit ways to make her feel better like “it’s me not you” where she’ll over analyse it for months.
Sit her down and say “I’m sorry xyz I’m not in a position to be in a relationship right now with my new job. Whilst I enjoyed my time with you I feel like our future goals do not align and I don’t feel like i can provide you with the emotional support you need from me. I wish you the best in future.”
She’ll be upset but that’s not on you. You’ve been together 3 months. You shouldn’t be her emotional support person this early and this goes for anyone. People need to stop relying on their new partners so much. It’s exhausting.
Invite her to a really loud and overstimulating environment. Chuck E Cheese would be perfect. Shouldn’t stick around too long after you drop the news.
Send an SMS an never show up again.