So, I’ve been going out with him for about 7 months. It’s been such a good, refreshing relationship and we’ve been anything but happy. You know that feeling where it just feels like “this is it?”, yea, that’s exactly how this feels. Whenever we hang out or he spends the night, it is ALWAYS at my house. I wasn’t suspicious of this too too much until I dropped him off at his place last month. We stopped in front of his complex, and he didn’t want me to walk him any further. I jokingly insisted and his mood totally switched. I got the message, and I left, but I haven’t brought it up to him. I asked my friends about it, and they thought that he could be cheating. I thought about it, and I realized this could be a huge possibility. With the whole house situation, and he always leaves the room when a person named “Sam” calls (i’ve noticed) , it just felt off.
We got into a fight right outside his place, and I brought these concerns up. He got silent, but then told me to come to his place if I want to see it. So I went and it was shocking. The only thing he had in his whole apartment (other than given appliances/everyday essentials) was a compression mattress. He then detailed the most critical traumatic parts of his childhood (I don’t think he’s spoken about it to someone in a while). By the way, Sam is his sponsor. You should’ve just heard the way he was speaking about it, so emotionless, I just wanted to comfort him . We got to age 12, and he started to tear up. It was at this moment when he asked me if I could please leave. As I left, I heard him sobbing, and I realized I fucked up, fucked up bad. I don’t know what to do, please help.
The fact he opened up to you means a lot. He probably didn’t want you to know his past or reality yet. It is up to you to show him that none of the things he related to you change how you feel about him. Also apologize to him for accusing him of cheating, explain to him why you thought so, he should understand, after all he has been hiding some important facts about himself. Let him pull himself together, that was probably very hard for him. Best wishes for you both!
Don’t push him to communicate/contact you, but send him a text or leave a voice mail that you’re sorry for pushing him about his place, and you’re there when and if he wants to talk or hang out or get some coffee or something. Let him know that you’re leaving it up to his timing for what he needs, and you’ll be there when he’s ready.
Right now, that’s what he needs.
Advice (concerning the doubts and suspicions you had to begin with- hind sight, and all that, but for the future,too): ask questions. Not pointed or interrogating, but just to understand.
Ex. “Hey, why is it we don’t hang out at your place?” “I heard you got another call from Sam; I didn’t mean to eavesdrop- i only heard the name-, but is everything okay? Can I ask who Sam is?”
(And accept “no” as complete answer. If he still doesn’t open up about things or tell you anything, remind him that you care about him and the relationship, and that communication is key for that to grow and continue, but don’t manipulate him. Maybe you guys can find some relationship/get to know you questions online and ask a couple each time you’re together. No pressure, just growing together.)
I would text him to say something like: “thank you for opening up to me the other night, I’m here if you want to talk further but totally understand if you just want to do something fun to take your mind off things, let’s meet up soon”
People are romanticizing tf out of this and completely overlooking the fact that this guy is in far, far too vulnerable a position to be in a relationship right now.
Things weren’t ruined. They were never fully disclosed from the jump, so things were never what you believed they were. This can not go well for either of you at this stage in his life.
“Anything but happy” means you have NEVER been happy together.
I don’t think you really screwed up. Given the circumstances, thinking what you were thinking was fair and pretty reasonable. He was actively leaving the room when one particular person called and he never let you in his place. Definitely suspicious.
It turns out that he definitely had reasons but I would think that after 7 months, you should have been told more about everything. Can you be upset about that? Maybe. Can you understand his reluctance to share? Yes.
I feel for him. I really do. It’s obvious he’s been through hell. But you can’t act so secretive like that with a partner and not expect them to get suspicious.
I think the weirdest thing is that he’s gone over half the year and not told you he’s in recovery yet. I think that’s probably something you should encourage him to tell his sponsor.
You weren’t wrong to worry. All he needed to do was to show you his place so that you can see that he doesn’t have a wife or GF in there, and tell you that Sam is a guy. You raised a valid concern and deserved an answer. He overshared and that’s on him.
You didn’t mess up, he was hiding who he was and you sensed that, it’s pretty normal you want to get to know someone. Just try and show him some understanding and then figure out what you really want with the relationship because it sounds he has a lot that comes with him
No I don’t think you messed up at all. Yeah you could’ve probably asked, but he was being weird and anybody would’ve also came to the cheating conclusion. But, I think it’s weird that you’ve been dating for 7 months and he’s just now telling you all of this stuff? Not that he needed to tell you when you first met or even a few months into the relationship. You say you love him so I would consider that is now serious relationship territory, and it’s weird he didn’t even give you a single clue about his past. I think he should’ve mentioned it at some point when y’all realized the relationship was going somewhere.
So it sounds like this guy has been through some serious things in his life and I want to give the benefit of the doubt, so it is possible that he was just really nervous/scared about coming out with all of this. Him asking you to leave and having a breakdown is pretty telling. I would just reach out to him and say you want to be there for him and are ready to listen when he’s ready to talk. Maybe a few days of space so he can process, but I think he needs to talk to you about his past before you decide your relationship can move forward. I would be pretty upset if I had just found out someone was an addict after 7 months of dating. Do what you feel is right, but make sure you get a good picture of his situation and what that means for you moving forward.
I’d reconsider the relationship. Sounds like he is not ready for a serious relationship yet.
Nope nope nope. I’m in recovery as well. This is not how to go about things. This man is highly ashamed of himself and should not be in a relationship at the moment. He lied and hid crucial parts of his life for seven months. Be gentle. But I would consider distancing yourself.
You didn’t fuck up, OP.
A relationship is a two-way street. And he was hiding things from you – which is okay to do, as long as he addresses it. “Hey, there are somethings about my life that I’m not comfortable telling you about yet, my apartment is one of them.”
You guys should’ve had a conversation like that, especially after seven months. This is not entirely on you.
This wasn’t your fault, please don’t fully blame yourself! Anyone would’ve been suspicious given the circumstances. All you can do from here is try to be here for him when he is ready to open up more. Be understanding, give him space if he needs it, but let him know you are there for him regardless of his past and current living situation. If this is what you want.
Good luck x
You didn’t fuck up at all.
Your bf’s ~~substance abuse~~ need for and frequent contact with his sponsor is something he should have discussed with you early on in the relationship.
Being shady about not letting you into his apartment isn’t your fuck up either. It’s his.
The fact that he has no furniture etc. is something he could have just told you about rather than hide it. Also, he was in no way required to give you painstaking detail of every year of his traumatic childhood story in order to explain why things are that way.
I don’t see your fuck up anywhere in sight. He was acting shady and hiding critical information about his life from you – his gf of 7 months. You had every right to feel suspicious because of how he was acting. It’s not like you’re some rando chick he hooks up with once in a blue moon.
Not to mention, he was hiding things from you. Things that he needs to be prepared to tell someone if he wants to be dating them with any level of seriousness.
It was his choice to open up about his trauma.
Why do you feel like you’ve fucked up here?
I don’t think you fucked up at all. Just message him thanking him for sharing and say that you’re always ready to listen when he want to tell you more. Until then. Just go about normally.
Only proceed if you at least attempt to comprehend the amount of effort this will take and the likelihood of positive outcome
I’m sorry, where in this story did you do anything wrong? He was acting suspicious and you asked about it. I mean, unless you were a dick about it I don’t see the problem
Not your fault, he acted strange and everyone would push for more info.
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I’m sorry this happened. I haven’t read other comments so I just would like to mention my own perspective. He wanted to date you and has been doing so. During all this time he has not given ANY reasonable explanation about his apartment or situation. I think it would have been responsible for him to at least slowly bring it up. But he completely refused any conversation which in my book is a red flag. And on being confronted about a reasonable topic, which is literally living space, he blows up and dumps everything on you all at once. Like, he’s really making you regret even asking. How else would this have ended though? You both would just marry without you EVER having known about this? Be reasonable and practical about this situation please. Yes, accusing someone of cheating is bad, but hiding something as basic as living conditions is not good either.
Do not make this to be your fault, else you are discrediting everything that has happened and is a very irresponsible thing to say. While the relationship thus far has been great, if he can’t come to you calmly now about this then he just will not be ready for a long-term relationship. One major reason why he would not face you now is only because of the embarrassment. Do not continue this relationship unless he is willing to meet you halfway about this and begins seeking therapy for himself. Relationships are not projects, and he has to eventually be ok to meet your halfway on such very important topics.
Communication and understanding is a 2-way street. Don’t get into a relationship if you aren’t ready for that. Pretty simple. You did not fuck up.
OP, you can not fix him, it is NOT your job to fix him….give him space, and time…he needs to fix himself before he can have a healthy relationship.
“anything *but* happy” and asking yourself “this is it?” Are not good relationship attributes
If he’s not gonna communicate, what else are you supposed to do besides be suspicious
You didn’t fuck up. It’s good that he opened up to you to extent he did. You have been going with each other for 7 months, its time for him to trust you.
On the selfish side, you may have dodged a bullet by finding out that this guy has some **real issues** lurking in the background. Emotional projects can be draining should you choose to accept them.
Call him if you want to still be with him.
“and we’ve been anything but happy.”
You’ve been anything but happy? So this relationship is horrible?
So not sure you screwed up, you could have handled it better but it isn’t totally effed. He probably feels really vulnerable right now and with you not contacting him he might feel abandoned. If it were me, I would get a nice picture of you two, get it printed, put it in a frame and give it to him so he can hang it in his apartment.
You have two problems, 1) to what extent could you possibly help reducing his problems. 2) This is the real problem, you are looking for a companion to build a relationship with. Will his various problems, effect his ability to have a permanent job, is he stable enough to build a relationship with you. You want a companion, not a man child for you to look after.
I’m glad he opened up, but girl, this guy is NOT in any place to be in a relationship. He’s been hiding a lot from you and the only reason it came out was because you confronted him about it all. You didn’t do anything wrong. I think anyone would have done the same. If he’s in recovery, and he’s acting like this, then he should be single. He needs to focus on himself. Why would you want to be with someone who will hide something like that?
I have a question for redditors…
How long into the relationship you should share your darkest secrets, your traumas, your inner demons, your brutal childhood traumas? 3 months? 5? 7? 10?
Also, if it was gender reversed, would you think her behaviour is suspicious or just setting of boundaries? Would you tell a man “You should’ve pushed her, you were right”?
OP didn’t communicate with him – she blindly accused him in cheating bc her friends told her that he probably is cheating. And you justify it bc he didn’t invite her in his home? And instead of adult conversation, she pushed him and hurt him…
You didn’t fuck up. He was being shady and he owed you an explanation. He is the one who effed up by not at least partially explaining himself to you previously and instead letting you think the worst.
Just text or leave a message if he doesn’t answer thanking him for opening up to you and although you didn’t know or want to trigger anything from his past, you appreciate him sharing that part of his past with you. Let him know your concerns about him keeping secrets and that you just want him to be open and honest with you.
Give him time.
Let him know that you love him and just be there for him.
He needed space, but that doesn’t make you a bad person. He opened up about something hard. Good for you for respecting his boundaries and caring.
He is mad and embarrassed and was probably hoping you wouldn’t have to see him in that state of his life.
Honestly you need to go and talk to him, SAY THAT YOU’RE SORRY, and see if perhaps you can see if there’s anything you can do to help him. And, honestly, please, just tell him that you still love him and that nothing is changing and you want to support him.
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