Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceI’m (43F) ending my relationship over being accused of being too close...

I’m (43F) ending my relationship over being accused of being too close with his (44M) daughter (11F)

I (43F) have been dating B (44M) for 9 months.

We’ve had some amazing times as well as some bumps in the road.

He has 2 daughters K(13) & L(11). I met them both 4 months ago & they are both super awesome chicks! Funny, beautiful and talented. Immediately L & clicked because I swear she’s a younger version of me. On Mondays & Tuesdays, L would have her dad (B) drop her off and pick her up from her play lessons and I would ride along and the 3 of us would cut up, make terrible “yo mamma” jokes & overall have a blast. If/when I couldn’t ride along, she would be upset that she didn’t know if/when she would see me again since “you’ve had a lot of terrible girlfriends and I really like K. Please don’t screw this one up.”

About a month ago, one of her play classes was cancelled so we had an hour to kill and all came back to my house.

L loves horror movies/stories so I introduced her to Mr. Ballen & we started watching one of my favorites while B went outside to smoke.

I’m sitting on the couch & L has her back leaning up against my shoulder while she kicked her feet out the other direction.

I have a sister, several nieces and a ton of gal-pals and nothing was abnormal or weird. Just typical chilling on the couch stuff. No I didn’t have my arm around her nor was I even touching her. She was simply leaning her back on my shoulder.

I have a 13 year old son and this was normal, even for him.

Well B came in from smoking and immediately started giving me the evil eye. I was wondering what was wrong, never thinking he thought there was something inappropriate going on between me and his 11 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER! L & I finished watching the episode all while B would look at us like we were 2 teenagers.

It makes me sick that I’m even writing this.

Shortly after the stink eye began, the episode ended and it was time to go.

I pulled B aside and asked him what was wrong and he said “oh nothing” in that way like he just caught me cheating or something.

After we dropped L off (who never knew there was now a rift between her dad & I), I broke down.

I asked him straight out if he thought I would ever harm L or any child in any way.

He explained it away that he was just an overprotective dad and that L is impressionable and wanted to protect her.

I don’t have daughters, only a son so I told him I was sorry, even though the whole accusation really broke my heart & nothing more was said. We continued to ride along to take her to her lessons and even went to her play last weekend!

FF to yesterday. We are at his folks lake house for early Thanksgiving 2 hours early and it’s a gorgeous day.

L & K are restless and want to go on an adventure. I asked B to grab my walking shoes out of the car (I was wearing heels) & suggested we all go on a walk in the wooded/beach area by the water. B got my shoes, we all announced we were going for a walk in the woods & took off. B didn’t express interest when we asked him to come as he was chatting with his folks. K ended up wearing my heels and it was super funny watching her stumble around in the woods with them on. She actually hiked a good distance in them!

Mind you this is right next to the house & since all the leaves have fallen, you can see the whole area where we are. It wasn’t a day hike or anything.

K tapped out after a bit though and turned back towards the house.

L was way far ahead and alone so I followed her and we ended up by the water (you can literally see us from the house, so this is a short “hike”) & had a great time taking pics, looking at the cool rocks & moss & overall having a koombaya moment when we hear B call out. We both are excited he decided to join us (seriously we were only gone for 10 mins at this point) when he yells at us from the cliff above for not answering him the first 2 times he called out. We didn’t hear him, & I told him I was sorry but he should come down and hang out with us.

He simply turned around and walked away! Leaving L & us alone and confused. I told her we should head back up so I could sort this out & we did immediately.

I asked him wtf & he said he was scared when he couldn’t find us. I then asked why did he ignore us and walk away instead of joining us and having a beautiful moment.

He said because “I know how you are (meaning I’ve slept with women) & was upset you 2 were alone together, not answering me”.

So here I am, devastated that for the second time in my life, I’m being accused of pretty much having pedo tendencies, stuck 2 hours away from home at his PARRENTS lake house, on Thanksgiving Sunday.

I told him if he really thought I would ever harm L or any child, why the fuck didn’t he come join us? Why walk away? Why stay with someone who you think may harm your child?

I told him we would talk about it later and went inside and acted like all was well. He even apologized and pawed at me the rest of our time there & I just put on a fake smile and went with it. I was heartbroken and in shock.

Once we got back home last night, he kept trying to initiate sex and act like everything was fine and I just sat on the couch trying to find words.

I told him it was over.

I won’t be with someone that thinks I would harm a child.

I also won’t be with someone that dates someone that they think would harm their child!

THE FUCK?!?

I told him there really wasn’t anything left to talk about and he went through all the stages of grief right before my eyes in about an hour.

I just sat there in stunned silence.

All the love I had for him went away the moment I realized he was accusing me for the second time.

To be clear, no one in this story, including the girls has ever been a victim of grooming, R(word) or M(word). Not even I nor B nor anyone on either side of the family so it is unclear (other then his alcohol consumption) where this is coming from.

I let him stay the night and told him he could get his things out in the morning since it was late and he was drunk.

This morning he acted like everything was normal and asked if he could come back tonight all while my skin was crawling and I couldn’t wait for him to leave.

It’s 11am and I am day drinking writing this post (I never day drink but shole the fuck am today). I want to call B’s mom as well as L’s mom and explain why I won’t be in their life anymore (we all get along really well so cutting ties really sucks) but not sure if I should.

How the fuck do you tell someone you’ve been implicated in having inappropriate contact with a member of their family?!?

THE FUCK?!?

I’m more angry that the man I was with actually thought I may harm his kid and did nothing in the “moment”. TWICE then anything else.

Why not protect her ?

Ugh I don’t know what to do.

I plan on gathering his things and telling him I never want to see him again.

What do I do?!?



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35 COMMENTS

  1. It’s so disturbing that he thinks you are capable of harming his daughter. It’s even worse that despite his beliefs, he tries to have sex with you. You had no choice but to end things…this guy is a truly sick fuck.

  2. You know in your heart what to do. Sit and listen. You have done nothing wrong. And this isn’t all on you to figure out. Ask yourself… How deeply do you want to keep discussing this.. do you want to talk w the kids mom’s? How will that come back w your date? It’s not going to get easier..

  3. This sounds like some serious “Hector Projector” vibes. Either that or he’s a master gas lighter and this was his first salvo in a relationship where you’d be constantly accused of bizarre things and therefore always second guessing yourself.

    Personally I’d talk to the mom so it’s on her radar.

  4. Heard of more than one case where these nonsense accusations start flying and it turns out the accusing parent was engaged in a little mate-guarding, i.e. abusing the child they’re ostensibly trying to protect by accusing you of abusing them. Hope that’s not the case here but it’s worth thinking about.

  5. Reading through the comments on this, I think a lot of other commenters nailed it. This guy has issues, homophobia being a big one.

    I’m going back and forth on talking to the kids mother and grandmother. On the one hand the best option FOR YOU is a clean break, wipe your hands of it and move on.

    On the other hand, you’ve developed a bond with these kids. I’m sure they’ll get over it, but it’ll sting a little. Especially if their dad is as unhinged as he seems to be and spins a story that will make them think it’s their fault. That scenario makes me think it’ll help if another adult in their life knows what happened and be able to talk the kids through it if they’re upset about your absence. It’s not a clean break for you but maybe it’s better for the kids.

  6. You are doing the right thing. You cannot continue like this – these accusations are not from a well person. And maybe it’s this now, but who knows what it will be later. Perhaps it’s purely homophobia – associating same-sex sexuality with pedos. Perhaps he is projecting his own screwed up thoughts towards children onto you (not suggesting he has or would act on thm). Perhaps it is fueled by jealousy over you having a good relationship with his daughter and him feeling left out. Perhaps alcohol has skewed his perceptions and judgment. Most likely, it is some combination of all of this and who knows what.

    I do not think you should speak with his mom or the kids’ mother about this. I worry that the conversation could easily go sideways.

  7. Yeah so either 1) he’s homophobic and is projecting that onto you and his daughter, or 2) he’s meeting his daughter and projecting. I’d ask the grandparents to keep them safe.

  8. The comments say it all but I just wanted to add…. This is SO Homophobic.

    Entirely different topic and not relevant due to the blatant homophobia…. But I’m interested in knowing has B ever been sexually assaulted himself? That might explain his irrational behaviour

  9. This is really plain and simple. You told the dude about your past intimacy with women. Dude is a homophobe and they often believe that being gay equals being a pedo. That’s really all there is to it. This is coupled with the fact that he is too self centered to actually let you go and he wants to keep having sex while mistreating you and discriminating against you makes for a really toxic situation. It sucks for the kids because they might get brainwashed by this moron but that’s just how it goes.

  10. He’s clearly not well, in the sense that his view of the world doesn’t match reality. There’s probably reasons but these are things for him and a good, patient therapist to look into. They aren’t your issue at all.

    The question is whether you stick it out for a few days until he makes his first, sincere appointment or whether you leave him to it. Nobody can know the answer to that except you.

    Personally, I think your instincts are sound. What a tough spot to find yourself in.

  11. what’s he hiding .. ? … You aren’t the issue .. he doesn’t want you to get close to her incase she confides in you… that’s what that’s about !!!

    my intuition is going nuts right now ..

  12. It sounds like he’s equating your attraction to women with attraction to children, which is all kinds of messed up. Definitely talk to the girls’ mom and let her know everything. Even how he chose to stay with someone that he thought was capable of being inappropriate with his child. Say a nice goodbye to the girls and give them age appropriate reasons like “your dad and I weren’t as compatible as we originally thought” or “your dad thought I was lying about something and that accusation really hurt me.”

  13. Sadly I think this is the most you can do. It doesn’t sound like you have enough to raise a stink with the rest of his family, and it doesn’t sound like he’s blatantly abusive, just an insecure parent.

    Tho the fact that he claims he thought you were gonna touch his children and then just walked off is incredibly sus, but I am not sure what one could do with that info. Even telling his family seems like it could backfire, OR it could put his folks on notice about this complex he seems to have. Tricky situation to be sure.

  14. I feel like he isn’t worried that you’ll “hurt” his kid, it sounds to me that he’s worried his daughter will grow up thinking same-sex relationships are healthy, which he disapproves of. dodged a fuckin bullet there.

  15. This rings of biphobia and jealousy, tbh. Men have gotten jealous of their newborn children for taking mom’s attention, I wouldn’t blink if someone told me a man was jealous of his daughter getting along with his girlfriend. Explains why he wanted to bone so bad in the aftermath, he’s trying to get you to sooth his jealousy. I’m sure by implying you’re coming off as inappropriate, he’s trying to drive a wedge between the two of you more than he’s worried about his daughter actually being victimized. His plan blew up in his face. Does he have a tendency to be jealous of other men as well, OP?

    I’d contact moms and let them know about the fallout. Those little girls are going to be hurt, and that’s on him, not you. But they’re going to ask him for answers. He won’t want to be the bad guy. Add to that the sting of rejection, and he might play up his nasty narrative to be vindictive. These girls are going to believe their dad. If he tells the girls you were inappropriate with them, or were being sexual with them, the fallout could be really nasty. Not just for you, but in the way they perceive platonic affection and intimacy in the future. He has put a ball into play that could really fuck up his kids, and the kids’ mother has a right to know so she isn’t sucked into his version of events.

  16. Alright, so you being bisexual apparently translates to you also being a pedofile. Got it. So the usual homophobic bullshit then.

    It really rubs me the wrong way that it seems like he’s more upset about you cheating on him than his child being sexually assaulted

  17. I strongly suspect this is coming from a place of homophobia unfortunately. I have seen this in my own life a couple of times. When people oversexualize a queer person they don’t treat us the same

    I’m so sorry for the loss of two young friends! But am proud of you as B seems like a loser

  18. Forgive me if I’ve missed something in your post, but did he actually directly accuse you of anything inappropriate? Upon first reading your post, I assumed his “stink eye” at the couch cuddling to be exactly what he said, that he’s worried his daughter could get too attached and it’s really hard for kids to go through breakups when parents relationships end, or could even be a bit of personal jealousy that she doesn’t snuggle up to him on the couch when they watch shows together. It also seemed to me like, in the situation about taking a walk together, that his yelling/ frustration was about exactly what he said it was: he got worried when he couldn’t see you both and no one responded to his calls. Again, forgive me if I’ve missed something, but I felt very confused reading your post because I didn’t see any accusations of inappropriate sexualization of the kids, and I could understand him being worried that the daughters would become very attached before your relationship was more “solid”.

  19. I don’t think he actually thinks you’d harm his daughter, he wouldn’t have let you be alone with her twice if he truly suspected something like that.

    I think it’s a bit of biphobia combined with him wanting to push you away, why does he want to stay with you if he thinks that?

  20. Honestly, I don’t think he genuinely believed you’d harm his kids. Maybe it’s just because I refuse to believe someone would leave their child with someone they think would hurt their kid BECAUSE they think she’d hurt their kid, but I don’t think he truly believes that. I think he’s using that as some way to tear you down and try to control you, make you afraid of being yourself, for fear you’d look like a pedo, than truly believing your a pedo. I simply refuse to believe someone could be so paranoid about you having ill intentions but keep you around.

  21. Could be he’s jealous of the time you are spending with her as in you should be concentrated on him. Might not even be that he thinks anything inappropriate is happening. You’re HIS gf, and step-parents aren’t supposed to get along with the step kids type thing.

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