Tuesday, March 7, 2023
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Is it selfish and inconsiderate to date or marry someone knowing you are incapable of having children

For context when I was 8 I had my appendix rupture and was left untreated for four days. Once it was discovered I was rushed to another hospital to receive emergency surgery. I was put into a coma for about a month and my surgeries totaled to the equivalent of four appendectomies. I was left open due to the amount of swelling and fluid back up. Since this surgery I have accumulated a mass amount of scar tissue in my abdomen/uterine area which doctors have expressed large concern for my ability to reproduce. I believe that it is purely selfish and inconsiderate of me to put someone through a relationship knowing that I will not be able to successfully carry a child with out serious complications or death. My questions is should I try to keep dating or should I give up and accept the life of living alone?

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  1. Girl, what…you are more than your uterus. Do you want children?

    It’s simple: find someone who *wants* to be childfree. Or if you want kids, and are open to adoption, find someone who wants to adopt.

    EDIT: Have these conversations when you’re in talking stages with potential partners. You don’t need to disclose your medical history to anyone. Keep it simple—adoption or you’re childfree by choice. Once you’re headed to a committed relationship, you may want to disclose your medical reasons for not having a child. If they are truly okay with either option, your infertility should not negatively impact your relationship.

  2. Why wouldn’t you date or have relationships? Your worth as a woman is not measured by your ability to give birth. You could address this topic at the beginning of new serious dates. There are many people out there who don’t want kids too.

  3. Not at all selfish. If you don’t want kids, just look for a partner that also does not want kids. If you do, and you are willing and able to consider other reproductive options (such as surrogacy) or adoption, then that’s something to discuss once a relationship gets serious.

  4. You need to talk to a Professional about this cause seriously, you think it’s either have kids or be alone? That’s some severe black and white thinking that is not healthy and does not reflect the reality of many good and fulfilling relationships

  5. I am infertile. When I started talking to my husband I told him very early on (like within the first few days of texting) about my fertility struggles. I didn’t want things to progress to a place where we fell in love, but I was unable to give him the life that he deserved. He assured me that he didn’t want kids. Even though he has assured me of that, I still check in time to time because I feel guilty and I worry that he’s changed his mind. That just comes from the unlucky hand we were dealt.

    You will be able to find someone who doesn’t want kids (tons of people don’t), but remember to be kind to yourself. Having biological kids isn’t the only thing in the world that brings happiness or family.

  6. Date people who don’t want to have children. Be upfront about your reduced fertility.

    Or, if you want to adopt children one day, date people who also want to do that.

  7. There are a lot of people in the world who don’t want children.

    The concept of not having children as “selfish” is very internalized misogyny, and I very sincerely hope that you are able to do some self-care work that helps you realize that.

  8. One of my classmates in seminary and his wife started the process of adopting our last semester. His wife was unable to have biological children due to her own health issues. She was upfront from the time they met and he was understanding that they would need to adopt to have a family. They are one of the sweetest couples I know and they are absolutely adorable with their twins!

  9. Date. Plenty of people who don’t want to have children, can’t themselves have children either or would be happy to adopt/foster etc.

    I’d be honest with people fairly early on, just so no-one wastes any time if having children is a huge “must have” for them. But other than that, no reason not to date/marry someone. There is more to life and relationships than children (and I say that as someone who chose to have 5 of them!)

    Good luck, I hope you meet someone super special.

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  11. Or, just date people that don’t want children? As long as you communicate this and the other person is aware, there’s nothing selfish or inconsiderate.

    I have endometriosis and a lot of scar tissue that will likely prevent me from having a child of my own as well. It’s not selfish to want to find someone and date them so we can be together, without having a kid.

  12. Not selfish at all, just be honest up front. There are other ways to have a Children, like surrogate or adoption. Plus a lot of people don’t want kids. Keep dating and being awesome!

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