Sunday, March 26, 2023
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I’ve been introduced to someone’s kink. I wanna be supportive but it’s hard.

Little back story. I have been seeing this girl for a few months now. We have just been fooling around but recently had sex for the first time. They made it know they were into CNC ( consensual non consent) we have tried it a few times but whenever I get to the point where I hear play up the way they says “no” pushing me away and things like that it makes me feel dirty continuing any further and it kills the mood. How do I bring up that while I want to be open to the idea it’s hard to not feel gross after finishing and feeling like I did something terribly wrong

Update: after a long talk last night about my issues with this. They were very apologetic about dismissing my idea of a safe word. They admitted that they just assumed all guys were into the domination thing. apologized for jumping to the conclusion that I was able to just disconnect from the act and the situation. We have an established safe “phrase”’ if you will. We also talked a lot about after care for the both of us. Especially for me since I’m newer in this. They were very understanding and the advice here helped me present my issue better. Thank you all for the amazing advice. My parent and I thank you immensely. We are taking things slow. Baby steps and if it doesn’t work they have promised to not force me to participate in it if it would put our relationship at risk.

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  1. be open and honest. if they respond badly then you know you’re dodging a bullet. you don’t want to be with someone who’s going to try and make you cross your boundaries. they aren’t trustworthy or respectful

  2. As someone in the bdsm scene this is a common kink however you aren’t comfortable with this and your earlier comment, she is dismissing your feelings on the matter by telling you to just do it anyway because she likes it. You need to be firm that this is not something your into and it makes you feel bad and that is never good in a sexual context regardless of gender. Don’t let her dismiss you again

  3. Communicate
    And oh yeah; COMMUNICATE!

    Tell her exactly what you wrote here but let her know you’re open to trying. I also suggest to get out of your own head and allow yourself to have fun with the experience to remind yourself this kink turns her on and SHE WANTS IT. Now for an easy path to assuage your conscience and allow you both to have fun- at least while you try it if you choose to give in: agree on a safe word and stick to it. Try to enjoy

  4. I dated someone for a year that was into CNC stuff and it progressively got worse. Communicate your feelings. If they don’t respect that you’re not into that or pressure you into CNC every time walk away.

  5. I’m into CNC and if my partner isn’t, if it bothers them, I’d never ask it.

    You are allowed boundaries. If she were to say she doesn’t like being choked and you said you enjoy choking, would she be okay with it? Of course not because it would be her boundary. Her dismissing your feelings on it shows she has zero respect for you.

    I never tell someone to leave but if you’ve tried communicating and she continues to disregard your feelings, leave. You deserve better.

  6. > Feeling like I did something terribly wrong.

    You are **not** doing anything wrong at all.

    Trust your gut.

    The only **wrong** thing would be to **not** talk with your partner about this.

    If you don’t like something kink-related, don’t do it. **If you keep running into the same bad kink situation with this guy, he’s not for you.**

  7. CNC is advanced level BDSM. It requires enormous skill and comes with a lot of risks. It is inherently dangerous and should only be engaged in after a lot of research, communication, setting of boundaries and hard limits, and detailed conversations and negotiations on what is allowed and what is not. Attention to safety. Establishment of safe words. Emergency plan and first aid. A first aid kit. Knowledge of and acceptance of risk.

    And aftercare. Aftercare is vital and it doesn’t sound like you are getting what you need after this. A good CNC session with proper aftercare (which in advanced BDSM can take several days) should leave you both feeling wonderful and connected. If it isn’t then you’re doing it wrong.

    And most importantly, consent.

    BDSM can cause some real heavy emotional responses that can linger long after the sessions have ended. That, and the physical injuries are why aftercare is extremely important.

    You should only be engaging in advanced kink if you have already become experienced in all of the above.

    CNC is not for novices. That’s how people get badly injured and emotionally scarred and some end up dead. A deep bruise can lead to a blood clot and that can lead to a stroke for instance.

    Now having said all that, if you do not want to engage in CNC you do not have to consent to it. Being giving and willing to please your partner is awesome, and you proved that is where your head is at. But you do not ever have to engage in anything that leaves you feeling terrible and that kills your desires, and really bothers you once the CNC scene has ended. You get to have boundaries, and hard limits. You should know the difference between them and be clear what yours are and respect your partners.

    If you intend to engage in BDSM you should seek out a community and learn from the people in it how to engage in kinks safely and responsibly. Check out []( and see if there is a community in your area. If they hold munches and classes go to them and learn how to engage in kink play so your body and mind come out healthy and happy.

  8. It takes alot of time to get deep into bdsm or cnc for alot of people. There is nothing wrong with taking your time. Only you can decide if you think it could be ok with slow integration over several sessions or even months or years. That is 100% your right.

    Speaking more specifically to your story maybe tieing her up or atleast her hands may help. I like dominating my wife in many ways and like some very light cnc stuff. That said physically being pushed away always instantly kills my mood. So if you are bothered by specific items or actions make those exact things clear to her and work to find ways to not do those. I’ve also found the blackmail scenario may be more pleasurable for some people than the str8 up taken by force scenarios.

    Also maybe read up on traffic light safewords. Even as the dominant one in a scene these can be used to help slow down something or have a nonscene stopping way to get reassurance that she loves something.

  9. I’ve been in this exact situation before and did not like it at all. I attempted to work with it but things only got progressively worse and increasingly more realistic. I think the relationship only lasted 3 months before I told her I just couldn’t do it and we weren’t compatible. I usually try my hardest at everything but just couldn’t continue. She was pretty upset bc she thought I was “progessing into it well” meaning things were going to get even more extreme had we continued. I’m happy I got out of that situation early

  10. I encountered lots of kinks that I in sex life because I’m gay, and from my experience, don’t try to break yourself to fit another person’s desires. Your boundaries are there for a reason, there’s experimenting to see if they are excessively rigid, and then there’s traumatizing yourself to make other people happy. You don’t like r**e, don’t feel like a r***st, it causes bad reaction, great! Don’t go there, if your girlfriend can’t live without roleplaying it, it means you’re might not compatible with her sexually. It might be sad, but that’s reality.

    In my experience straight people have hard time facing this fact, meanwhile it’s one of the things gay people get to experience upfront, so if you’re not compatible in being top/bottom/vers/side, and there’s no compromise, then you’re not compatible, things like that do happen. Just because penis does neatly fit with the vagina, doesn’t mean that everything else in sex will be compatible.

    >She’s so understanding of everything else in the bedroom and has been patient with me on taking things slow. Maybe I just feel guilty for pushing on her being open with me and now I’m back peddling on it.

    You shouldn’t have to reciprocate her understanding and patience with you in a form of sexual activity you don’t like, the problem here is that you view your interactions as a business deal – she gives you X, you have to give Y of equal value in exchange. If you don’t, then you’ve lied, has made her bereft of mental finances she has spent on you and it makes you feel guilt (guilt is the feeling that appears when you make another lose something or experience something bad). She isn’t losing something and is not experiencing something bad, she doesn’t get to get a part of what she wants in sex.

    An alternative to business deal is giving a gift – when you give a gift, it doesn’t imply something back, it’s just something nice you give up for another person. The only thing that gift can create is feeling gratitude, which can lead to closeness.

    She seems to be able to give you gifts you like, you can’t give her all of the gifts she likes. It’s not in your ability, there’s nothing to feel guilt about, you just don’t seem to fit together in that regard.

  11. Lots of good advice. But I can’t emphasize this strongly enough – you need a safe word, and you need to have that safe word on record/in writing. A coworker was with a girl who almost sent him to prison with false accusations. It cost him a ton of money for a lawyer, almost lost his job, etc.

    No safeword? No sex.

  12. I could never participate in a CNC scenario. I would probably end up blurting out something like “this can all stop if you tell me where you hid the codes to the satellite laser” and ruin the whole thing

  13. You need to be comfortable too! Kink requires full and enthusiastic consent (even CNC) from all parties.

    If you feel strongly about doing this, I STRONGLY recommend talking to your partner and looking deep into yourself as to what aftercare looks like for you and her.

    You need aftercare just as much as she does.

  14. OP, you don’t have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable.

    Just because someone is into something doesn’t mean you have to do it, and sometimes you need to just walk away because the thing is too big to get around.

    CNC is not a small kink. Despite not being uncommon it’s well into the darker area. Most people are not going to be comfortable with it. That’s a problem for her.

  15. As someone who also has that kink, if your gf is emotionally mature she’ll understand that this kink is NOT for the faint of heart and will understand you not wanting to participate in that.

    However There are plenty of ways to play at CNC that will make you more comfortable and make it feel less rapey on your end, if you are open to it I would definitely explore these options with her.

  16. CNC takes a TON of skill on part of the dominant, and requires a thorough understanding of the submissive’s cues.

    For the uninformed, in a genuine CNC scene, the dom decides when the sub has had enough, regardless of what the sub says.

    OP, if she wants you to dominate her totally, she ought to let you practice. You would need to learn her limits and her cues, and in order for you to recognize them, she ought to agree to tell you when you’re approaching or have crossed lines.

    To expect you to perform without this preparation puts 100% of the risk on you. It’s completely selfish and irresponsible of her. If she wants this with you and you are interested at all, tell her she needs to be patient. Spontaneous, fulfilling CNC without practice and preparation is a fantasy, especially if the dom is inexperienced.

  17. If it traumatizes you to be in that position… don’t do it. Also, when a person cums during something bad… (ie like when they are thinking about their sister) the brain creates a link that is a source of pleasure for you; and tricks you that you’re in to that stuff. Don’t fall in to this trap. Some kinks should be shamed. Beastiality… rape… incest… pedo stuff… I couldn’t ever participate in any of it. Participating in it literally makes you feel like it’s more “okay”… and it’s fucking not.

  18. Kink should be something to enjoy for all parties, not something you have to endure despite it making you feel horrible for the sake of your partner. It’s time to talk to your partner seriously about this kink and your boundaries (not when having sex but in a non-sexual environment) with your partner. Set the boundary that you seem to need. If you partner reacts negatively, that’s on them.

  19. I had a similar situation with an ex-bf. I was into it, he was willing to try. He disliked the experience, and expressed similar sentiments that you did here. We never did it again, no question. While I enthusiastically wanted this role-play, his discomfort was completely valid and instantly respected.

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