Friday, March 24, 2023
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Marriage/ Relationship advice

I’ve been married for 5 years, the day we got married literally immediately after the ceremony my husband became a different person. I noticed small changes that were easy to overlook, but over time they’ve become so notable. To put it simply, he stopped caring about my feelings, he didn’t want to hear it when I brought anything up to him, he just tells me i nag constantly and if I try to ask for anything that I feel is important to me he tells me it just “isn’t his thing” so I’ve had to just accept that I’ll never really get many things like surprises or planned romantic dates, he stopped taking pictures with me, etc.

He constantly lies to me about big things and small, and he tells me it’s because of my reaction to things… but I’ve literally become numb and stopped reacting and he still continues to lie to me.

Now recently I discovered (by accident I was not searching) he lied to me about having to work late, made up a whole story about what was happening at work, it turns out that he actually ended up meeting with some stranger to buy hot wheels in cash, he’s addicted to them.

I only found out because he has two phones, one of them isn’t working properly so he leaves it at home and I use it to put shows on for our toddler while he eats his meals. I was putting a show on when I saw the Kijiji message exchanges and I then went to see what it was about, he had deleted everything but forgot to empty the trash can and I found the messages.

I confronted him about it.. He has not talked to me since and has been sleeping on the couch.

Advice appreciated.

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  1. You only need to read your first paragraph, if you read that on here from another person posting it, what would you tell them to do?

    You are free to do whatever you want, marriage isn’t really a binding contract that you are stuck in forever, break that contract.

  2. He put up a front til you married him. Then the true SO came out to play. He only pretended to care about your feelings til he didn’t have to any more. He isn’t going to change back to the nice guy ’cause he is happier this way and he is getting everything he wants. There is zero incentive to be the nice at all ’cause that would 1) be work, 2) require caring about someone else and 3) not be him. Marriage counseling is not something he will put up with, I am guessing.

    You wanted Prince Charming but got the frog. He will never be anything but the frog. You cannot change him. You can only change what you are willing to do to/for yourself. Do you stay or go? Those are your options.

  3. It must have benefited him financially to marry you. Make sure you have a separate bank account. You can’t stay married to someone that constantly lies and manipulates you. Someone with those characteristics can sweep the rug right under you before you realized it happened. You can never trust him. Discreetly work on an exit plan on this marriage.

  4. My Mom was stuck in a similar relationship for over 20 years. My dad lied all the time and eventually was lying to my sister and I as well. He also stopped caring about us. He broke my Mom down so much that it took her years to find the courage to leave. Her one regret: not leaving when we were babies. Find the courage now, because this type of behaviour is emotionally abusive. The longer you stay, the worse it will get and the worse you will feel.

  5. Hot Wheels? As in the brand of toy miniature cars?? Run, and please spare your child/children. You are worth more than to be lied to, and if your husband doesn’t worship you, who will? Please set a good example for your future and your kid.

  6. This relationship is not healthy and this is time to end it with him over this as you do not deserve this treatment at all. This will be hard for you as you guys have been together for years but you know you have to do this in order to make your future better with a new man who respects you. After marriage he is sure that you would not get away and he does not need to do anything to make you feel special in married life. He is not a guy for you and sooner you understand this fact and leave him better it will be for you. Right now you are choosing to live a miserable life with him and that needs to be changed asap.

  7. Marriage council.

    >it turns out that he actually ended up meeting with some stranger to buy hot wheels in cash

    A man of culture i see lol

    But yeah try to see if you can fix anything with marriage counseling.

  8. Please start making an escape/exit plan out of this marriage. I appreciate it’s really hard to leave him now, but you can start planning for the future. I also advise you get professional advice to assist in the decision making – find out your legal and financial rights.

    This guy is gas lighting you, he also shows very little care or concern for you. You deserve so much better and future happiness awaits.

  9. This isn’t that uncommon. My top guesses are;

    1. He suddenly freaked out about just how “real” commitment is.
    2. He thinks he now has you locked in so he doesn’t have to bother anymore.
    3. He already had conscious and unconscious preconceived ideas about marriage and as soon as it was done has started to play out those roles because he was never taught to critically think independently and doesn’t have the intelligence or insight to see it.
    4. He was delusional of thinking you’d stay the same forever and as things evolved as life does he’s regretting it.

    Understanding where it’s come from is one thing, getting him to even put effort into recognising the changes are another. Sounding like he’s genuinely not even bothered. Sometimes even good changes can bring bouts of depression. If he’s unwilling to meet you half way, you’re going to have to be more assertive and dramatic. Otherwise you’ll always just be labeled as the “nagging wife”. Gross, what a stupid made up label. Explain as you have here, that it’s actually a partnership and you’re just as entitled to get what you need, is he willing to compramise and meet you halfway? Because you’re absolutely not willing to tolorate spending your life being a fing ordament for him who has no value to what she needs.

  10. OP, the ex sprung divorce on me because accordimg to him I was an aweful human being and he couldn’t stand being with me anymore. It turned out he was cheating. I had been a stay at home parent since our kids were born and I wasn’t about to go and get any job and leave my children unattended. He was never a good father. In short, I filed and asked that he pay for my attorney fees. He moved to a different state, so basically I have 100% custody of our children, he has to come and visit them in our state, pays child support and alimony. I am looking for a job patiently, so I can find something I like. We are not rich, but we are living comfortably. What I’m trying to say is you can start all this process now and you will be ok. First talk to an attorney, look for the best in your area, that is important. Good luck and hugs!

  11. You never know how strong you are until you are put in a position that affects your child. You got this. Who he is not is who he always was when you were dating because he kept it hidden. This is his true self. Now it is time to show yours and walk away and take care of your business. Will it be easy? No but nothing worth having come easy. Find someone else who values you as a partner and loves you and your child as you two deserve.

    Edited: Spelling

  12. >I’ve tried so many times, the conversation doesn’t go anywhere he either ignores me or rolls his eyes or gives me a passive aggressive apology… I always end up feeling guilty because he’ll explain to me why I’m the reason for everything or he’ll just be really sarcastic saying what a horrible husband he is and putting words in my mouth that I never said so I can’t get anywhere with him.

    OP, this is serious. Someone said on here earlier that your husband might be a narcissist, because he dropped the mask after marriage, lacks empathy, and lies. Now you say this and we add another piece to the puzzle: he’s an emotional manipulator.

    No marriage is perfect, but it certainly isn’t *all your fault* that things are the way they are. Ignoring you and/or rolling his eyes (and lying) are huge signs of disrespect and contempt. Putting words in your mouth and spinning the whole problem back onto you is classic manipulation. The types of things you describe, feeling guilty, feeling like everything’s your fault, putting words in your mouth, feeling like you can’t get anywhere in a conversation, are the types of things that survivors of emotional abuse or narcissistic abuse say. Your husband is playing games. I’m so glad you chose to get therapy and you are planning your exit. You are making the right choice. Emotional and narcissistic abuse cause a lot of trauma, and it usually takes a lot of time and energy and money to heal from it. The sooner you get away, the better.

  13. Well addicted to hot wheels is not the worst thing. How does it impact your family financial?

    Did you live together before marriage. People dont really show their true color unless you share a roof with them.

    Going to therapy would be one thing. Preparing escape plan (working again) is another thing. It might not that easy for stay home mother to get divorce. And I think the situation is not critical enough to do so (I believe no domestic violation involved)?

  14. Ok so I see a lot of useless advice on here. One thing I like to do is get both perspectives but since your husband isn’t here to tell his side we have to assume you are telling the complete story. He says you constantly nag him, what do you nag him about exactly? Is he a good father to your child? Does he contribute to the home? Is he loyal?
    He has a toy car obsession…. I wouldn’t divorce him over that. It’s not like he has a porn or gambling addiction. Is he worried you are trying to take away the one hobby that he enjoys?
    Perhaps he is seeing you as controlling and he is tired of it? I’m not trying to side with him, just gain some perspective here and maybe see it from your husbands point of view.

  15. Why did you stay with a man who doesn’t respect you? If he changed after the wedding, you should have dumped him after the wedding. There is no way to fix lack of respect. A relationship is built more on respect than on love and passion. He’ll teach your children not to respect you either, especially if you have boys.

  16. DIVORCE DIVORCE DIVORCE. While reading this your story gradually got worse and worse. Sad to say, this man doesn’t seem to have a single trait that is required to be a good and loving husband. So what’s the next step? To bring it up to him. But even then you say he just replies basically that he doesn’t care for you enough to even CONSIDER your feelings. This is not a man you want to spend forever with. You deserve to be loved the same way you loved him even when he lies and treats you poorly. There is so much better out there and you deserve it.

  17. Divorce. If that’s too hard for you to do then try and talk to him. Ask why he changed after marriage. Ask what does it means to be married? Tell him you married the person he was before, tell him you expect no change and if that person no longer exist tell him you want the divorce bc that’s what you should want… he manipulated you into a fairytale so you’d marry him, looks like everything was a lie. Nobody deserve that.
    I’d say divorce is the only option bc even if he changes he already a liar.

  18. Yeah… nope. Living a out silly things is ridiculous. And you should be able to communicate openly with your partner. Also, he doesn’t even attempt to meet your needs?! Wild. He shod be trying to make you happy and you him.

  19. As with anything, we really have little control over other people, but we do have control over ourselves and the decisions we make.

    What I would explore more deeply is, “Why does my husband feel the need to lie to me about little things?”

    Quite literally, Hot Wheels are little things. I personally would be less concerned about the betrayal and more concerned about why in the world he would not feel safe to tell you the truth about a seemingly innocent sounding hobby? I would do deep introspection and meditate on how I treat my spouse. Do I support them? Am I nagging or unnecessarily controlling? What demands do I make of him and are they reasonable? How do I respond to him when he shares information with me? Does he feel safe to be open with me and if not what part do I play in that?

    People lie for one of two reasons. One is that they have malicious or selfish intent by purposely misleading others. The other is that they are afraid of the consequences of telling the truth.

  20. When a couple gets married, they tend to start being more relaxed in the relationship. It’s bc the couple have gotten each other and the drive starts to slip, especially out of the “honeymoon phase (initially around 0 to 3 yrs of a relationship).” He is probably putting up less for your nagging, which probably have also increased due to you both being more relaxed in the relationship. This is why it’s important to always “date” one another. He probably feels that he has to hide his hobbies bc you may restrict him.

    You should talk to him about his hobbies, understand if you have been complaining more while he is also not doing what he should be doing more as well. You cannot change him but if you change you, he will definitely start to change as well. This goes for him as well.

    Summarize, communication and talk to each other and always be honest. Date each other and remember that marriage is more than love, it’s about understanding and knowing it’s a duty and responsibility as well.

  21. Love bombing at the beginning of relationships is so manipulative and just mean. Once it stops you find yourself looking for what he gave at the beginning and hang on to that string of hope because he was once that way and you think there’s a possibility it can go back to that. Then you’re left feeling unloved at their lack of interest and attention. As for him saying he will change, those are just words and words are meaningless without action. I remember saying to my guy that he’s going to love it because I only get better as the relationship moves forward and I let my walls down and he replied “So do I!!” enthusiastically but I kept my word and he didn’t and now we haven’t spoken in a month because I raised a concern and his response was similar to your husband. Honestly it’s ridiculous and not worth our time. Good luck with whatever decision you make. ❤️

  22. Sharing some advice that I haven’t seen mentioned yet because I think it’s beneficial to you whether you stay in this marriage or not: fix the things you can fix and understand the role you play in your life.

    Even if your husband is a narcissist and bamboozled you it doesn’t help your circumstances to feel victimized. Instead take a more empowering role in your life and evaluate the things you can control. Have you taken an active role in the finances? Set boundaries and stick to them – a big part of this is Really understanding what you need from a partner, being able to verbalize it in a clear and concise way, and not giving in or giving up when that boundary isn’t set. This is also helpful for your husband to do to make sure you’re also understanding what he needs from the partnership.

    You don’t have to accept that you’ll never get planned romantic dates; instead you plan them or plan them together.

    Again, maybe your husband is an asshole and someone you won’t stay with but either way you’re going to carry yourself the same into relationships moving forward if you don’t evaluate these things now. You’ll also be co-parenting with him no matter what so it’s important to put in the work to mending the relationship.

  23. I went through a divorce recently also, with a 2 year old toddler in the middle.

    OP whatever you do PLEASE schedule a free consultation with a local lawyer before you do anything.

    Doing exactly that will guarantee that you don’t screw anything up or give him ammo to use against you.

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