TL,DR; Girlfriend and I have a lot of communication issues. I’m feeling like I gave up a lot of myself to this relationship. I feel lost and don’t know what to do. All of this on top of endless multiple-times-a-week bickering.
We have been dating for almost 2 years. We have had many obstacles in the past and we learned how to overcome them. In many ways she is my soulmate, absolutely innocent, beautiful, and dependant. In many other ways, I’m finding it hard to live with myself.
I’ll start with what lead me to this post. We have many multiple, and entirely pointless fights, multiple times a week. One example from recently; yesterday we were supposed to have sex but I was completely worn out by college. I was out the door at 8am, and came home at 9pm drenched in rain. I was exhausted and only wanted to go sleep as I had another hectic day ahead of me. So I took a shower and went to bed.
We had sex a day prior and today she wanted more, usually this is no issue, but I’m far too tired and I have 7 hours of sleep left. I told her that maybe tomorrow. The college day goes by, me and her go for dinner, we walk around town, do some shopping, and go home. I get loaded with more assignments and I tell her I’m going to be busy tonight because I need to meet deadlines.
“So you’re a liar?!”, I kind of don’t know what to say, so I pause and say, “I’m sorry, I didn’t lie, I just have so much work ahead of me, I told you many times I’ll be really busy this week”. We both go quiet, and she gets quiet when she is mad with me. After a while, out of frustration I say, “okay, seriously, what is wrong now?” She replies that she was joking. There was no possible way of me knowing she was joking, and I have my doubts. We get into a quiet argument with me saying that “there is no way I can know when you’re joking, you don’t sound like you’re joking and you don’t finish with “just joking””. This has happened so many times and has been the root of so many dead end arguments. I’ve asked her so many times to atleast be clear when she’s joking, because when I think she’s not joking, it adds a lot of guilt, stress and pressure. When she is “joking”, we end up here.
This stuff happens all the time right before bed. There’s also issues with me making any friends in college. I know it’s stressful when your partner has opposite gender friends, but I don’t have much choice as everyone is intertwined. Whenever I bring up a girl’s name I get a look. Whenever I go to a library I get “did you go on your own?” Trying to dig out if I went with a girl. She can’t handle me being busy, I’ve set back so many deadlines, I’ve quit so many hobbies, and I feel like I’m losing myself for the person I used to be.
I don’t know what to do. As pathetic as it sounds, she lives with me and my mom. Breaking up has crossed many times, but every time she gives me a hug and a kiss it’s gone. She has nowhere else to go either. My mind is a mess and I really have no idea where I should go from this.
**Edit: to elaborate on what I mean Innocent and dependant. She’s innocent in the sense that she doesn’t do drugs, doesn’t party much, she doesn’t like discussing dark topics, she prefers to discuss things that are more on the positive side of things, which we both have in common and I don’t see in many people my age. Being dependant is a good and a bad, she wants to spend a lot of time with me, but some times it can be too much, especially when I’m busy.**
Hey. She’s not joking.
The way you describe her doesn’t seem to be the “ideal soul mate” rather a feeble attempt to rationalize the reason you stay in the relationship.
Dating is a “try before you buy” and it’s a period in a couples life where you ask yourself the question “can I see myself spending my life with this person?”.
It is not and should never be the be all and end all and if you find yourself on places like this asking questions like this, the most obvious answer is that “no, this person is not for me.”
You need to be hardheaded in these situations and if you find that the issues are insurmountable, then the obvious answer – that a breakup is best for all – even if it is hard, is the best one.
She is an adult and can make her own way in the world.
So have the “look, this is not working out and I’ve lost interest in pursuing this, so we need to work out where you can go to from here.” discussion and start extricating yourself from this.
What even is this relationship? You describe her as “absolutely innocent” and “dependant”, which are odd qualities to highlight.
It sounds like she pulls the “just joking” card whenever she doesn’t want to follow through or take accountability for something she said, which is a very emotionally immature way of communicating.
I mean ‘innocent’ and ‘dependant’ sound more like the relationship with your pet than another human being ngl
Just break up. Your petty fights are because you’ve outgrown each other you are basically children.
You’re both only 20. You have so much more life left to live. Is this how you want to spend the rest of it? You know you don’t. This situation sounds miserable, and maybe it’s time to rip the bandaid off and focus on your future you’re trying to build, just without her now.
Firstly, you don’t owe her sex. Point blank and a no should be enough for her to back off. Being tired is a valid enough reason. Secondly, you said it yourself; you both need to work on your communication if you are to progress in the relationship. Thirdly, hiding under the guise of it being a joke is an attempt to negate responsibility. She sounds a tad immature and it’s at your expense. That’s extremely unfair. I won’t say leave her because I can’t decide that for you, but you need to make yourself a priority rather than her feelings. If you can’t be bothered to communicate then maybe it’s because you’ve already given up? Food for thought. Sending my best x
Dude you wrote a novel about this and you’re only 20.
Honestly TLDR but if this isn’t working out for you, just move on
You’re 20. It isn’t working. It’s not going to get better. Break up.
All relationships take work and effort to thrive but **relationships are NOT supposed to be** ***hard*** **work**. While every couple has arguments here and there, and occasionally may struggle through a rough patch, *overall your day to day majority of relationship should be fairly easy and enjoyable!*
When people say “fight for your relationship” they mean ‘fight together against the external forces that could drive you apart’ NOT ‘fight against *each other* to *make* things work’ and NOT ‘one person fighting against how poorly the other person treats them’.
If you are regularly having frequent arguments, issues, and disagreements then that is a sign that this relationship probably isn’t in a healthy place and possibly isn’t working. If one person is regularly disrespecting, dismissing, yelling at, manipulating, guilt tripping, lying, playing mind games, and/or emotionally/physically/sexually hurting the other person then that is a sign that the relationship **is NOT** in a healthy place and **is NOT** working (and likely *cannot* be fixed).
Please check out [Love Is Respect](http://www.Loveisrespect.org) and take their quiz on healthy relationships. You might gain some insight on your relationship dynamics, which may help you decide what to do next.
>In many ways she is my soulmate, absolutely innocent, beautiful, and dependant.
Well that’s super creepy
1. “just joking” is an excuse that people use when they don’t want to deal with the consequences of what they just said.
2. Your ‘petty fights’ are because you say what you Need and she isn’t okay with it. She wants what she wants. That’s not a relationship. That is a demanding child.
3. You fight SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK. In no world is this healthy. None. Even if they seem petty.
THE REASON YOU FIGHT SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK IS THAT SHE IS PUSHING YOU DOWN. ISSUE BY ISSUE. BOUNDARY BY BOUNDARY.
4. I think you would have broken up with her already or told her that you need a break if she did not live with you and your mom.
This is actually your biggest issue.
Is she working? Or in school?
Time to sit down and have a talk with your Mom away from the house. Tell her that you are fighting with gf too much and you may want to break up. Ask her if she can think of any options to help gf move out and find a new place?
She can get a roommate somewhere.
-You’ve said she is policing who you go to the library with
-You said she is making you miss or delay deadlines
-You said you have stopped doing things you used to love.
HERE IS AN IDEA? Can you find an airB&B for just YOU? Try to book one for a week in your own city. Access to your classes and wifi and a good night’s sleep for 5-7 days. A week stay at a B&B? A friend out of town who will let you house sit?
No, she doesn’t get to come over. Tell her you are cramming for a special exam project and need zero interuptions or you are going to fail.
(Of course she will flip her lid. Let her… but already have your bags packed and in the car or at the airB&B)
She’s actually causing you to miss sleep. This is impairing your judgement.
I think if you get an actual break from her then you can put the relationship in perspective and decide whether you want boundaries or a break/break up.
Either way, is there a second bedroom at your mom’s? Move her in there for now.
She sounds extremely immature and fond of drama. Focus on school. You can have relationships with drama later.
Sounds like she gets annoyed for no valid reason and when you confront her about it, she tries to save face and claim she’s joking. The jealousy doesn’t sound much bearable either.
You don’t owe this girl your mh, your happiness, your education, a roof, constant justifications of yourself, your hobbies, your social life, your friends, your body, your life. Get out of this situation as it will only get worse. She is taking everything from you and your losing yourself to her. What she is doing to you is selfish and the “joking” thing is gaslighting. I can’t say strongly enough that you need to ask her to leave and let her make her own way.
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WHY IS EVERYONE IN THIS THREAD SPELLING DEPENDENT WRONG
She’s not gonna change over night. You’re only 20 years old and already toxic for one another. Might be time to split.
you do both realize the other person is a real person right? i second the comments saying you liking her for being “innocent and dependent” are creepy. she’s not a doll, shes a human being. she also needs to understand that you have a life
I can relate to what you’re going through. I was in a similar situation a few years ago. We knew that we loved each other but we had two issues. 1- Our communication was garbage and 2- We both had short temper. Eventually we decided that we need to see a relationship counselor.
When we went to see the counselor, he had us both explain to him our issue without the other interrupting. After a 2 hour session, he concluded that the issue wasn’t so much about the delivery of the communication but rather the receiving/listening part. That problem was 10 fold worse because we were both hot headed and listening was impossible in such conditions.
He gave us a technique, that for some may be obvious, but for us was a life changer. When an argument goes in circles and you notice your partner isn’t listening to what you’re saying, instead of continuing the argument and escalating, you call a Time-Out. The purpose of the time-out is not to deny your partner the chance to respond. But to delay and give them time to think. The rule to calling a time out is whoever calls a time-out, must specify an exact time to pick the conversation back up. The time should be no less than 2 hours and no more than 24. So you say “Time-out until 6pm”. The other person must IMMEDIATELY stop talking even if they were mid sentence. Then once the specified time has come, it is the responsibility of the one who called the time-out to approach the other and remind them. If they are not yet ready, they need to call a time-out and specify time. It is now their responsibility to remind the other. No further time-outs are allowed.
Using this method, we both found that discussing problems without the element of anger involved, was way more productive as the other was willing to ACTIVELY LISTEN instead of thinking of what to say next.
Now we are both much better communicators and more importantly better listeners. We still have arguments and fights, but they’re much more timid and fewer than used to. 4 years later, we are now married and have a beautiful child together.
If you walk away with anything from my post, let it be this; everyone has baggage, including yourself. Love can still exist as long both of you can help sort each other’s baggage neatly instead of trying to force them to throw it away.
I hope this helps. Best of luck to you.
I stopped after “innocent, beautiful and dependant”
Sometimes you gotta know when to go my guy
the only thing i have to say is that she seems to avoid any topic at all that is not sunshine and rainbows, and while you think this is good, this is what’s leading into all of your fights. she won’t “discuss dark topics”, this isn’t good at all, what happens when something serious occurs and you can’t talk about it with her because she doesn’t like it? besides the rest of this entire relationship (that sounds exhausting btw), i would break up with her for this reason alone. she sounds immature and you don’t need to lose yourself for someone who is supposed to be your “soul mate”. grow a spine and tell her to leave, it’s her responsibility to figure out where to live next, it’s not your problem.
Sometimes we think that someone is our soulmate but is not that simple, is not like a Disney fairytale.
You need to evaluate if that person really worth all this hard times and if you want to fight for the relationship, then see if she thinks the same. BELIEVE ME, when just one person is fighting for the relationship, that never works…
Even if is difficult or painful is better to broke up and heal yourself and continue with your life. Nobody deserves to ruin your life even if is “the love of your live”.
Is already 2 years since my ex broke up with me to live his perfect liberal life and at the beginning I was destroyed. But now, many months and days later… I think it was the best because I was trying to do my best (I am not perfect and I made my mistakes too) but… I was trying that the relationship works and… I was fighting alone all the time. He really don’t care anything.
So… I hope you do your best and find the peace that you deserves 🙂
Time for you to watch Jigsaw by Daniel Sloss on Netflix. He has great relationship insights.
Honestly. It seems like you both still have a lot of learn about yourselves, and about what y’all need in a relationship, and about what healthy boundaries and communication are.
While it sucks, you may stand to free yourself up for a lot of growth through a breakup, ie making friends, dealing with any childhood trauma, getting hobbies, etc.
I was dumped from a codependent relationship OUT OF THE BLUE in college and was wrecked for a while, but i’m glad it happened. Being single and in other relationships and doing therapy has allowed me to realize the ways in which I was making us codependent and other issues I had too (not just the ex partner) that made us codependent and toxic at times, despite the love.
If I stayed in that relationship, I would’ve remained problemaric in some very specific ways forever. If they never dumped me, I wouldn’t have been forced to reflect on myself and grow.
Sorry you are going through this but she sounds very clingy and needy, and it doesn’t sound like she’s there for you like you are for her. I get maybe looking forward to sex, but you also have to be understanding towards your partner. It isn’t your fault she has nowhere else to go. You aren’t her caretaker
Hey, I want you to know I had a very similar phase in my relationship with my current bf. We were also close in age at the time. I’m not going to assume anything or say we have identical experiences. Just my thoughts!
We argued constantly every week about things so nonsensical I literally can’t remember what any of them were in detail. It was hard. I wanted out so many times because it was impacting my ability to be happy. The solution was not an easy quick transition. It was consistent communication and active listening that really got us through that time. It was a lot of patience, forgiveness, and most importantly kindness. 9/10 of our small fights were because we weren’t clearly communicating our emotions in a healthy way. Being vulnerable drops a lot of the tense pressure for an argument.
I wish the best for both of you
This: She can’t handle me being busy, I’ve set back so many deadlines, I’ve
quit so many hobbies, and I feel like I’m losing myself for the person I
used to be.
Huge red flag. I married a guy who made me feel like this, it never got better, I lost myself, tons of opportunities, and we eventually divorced. No relationship is perfect, but you and your partner should strive to support and trust each other, and communicate when that becomes a struggle. You have so much life ahead of you man.
Your post is only a snippet of your relationship. I obviously don’t have the whole picture, but the one thing you mentioned that got my attention, which is also in the title, is that you have frequent, meaningless fights. It piqued my interest because I felt like I could relate to your experience with one when I was in my early 20’s and learned that, if fights are common to the degree you described, end the relationship.
I had a relationship that lasted a little over 2 years, but somewhere after the year mark, we just seemed to have have meaningless fights. Like, I couldn’t not have them. I’m not saying I’m not blameless, but relationships shouldn’t be like that. The other relationships I had after that early 20s one, no fights. In hindsight, my early 20s relationship should’ve ended sooner rather later.
This was almost 20 years ago for me. Now I’m married and have 2 kids. Been with my wife for about 8 years now. We never fight. Like ever. It’s not that we don’t have our differences, but we just don’t fight. We can talk and hash out ideas, and at the end of the day we come to some compromise or are willing to adjust and make things work. It’s so much better not fighting.
With my experiences of past relationships, if fighting becomes a common occurrence, I know it’s time to end the relationship. It’s not healthy.
Never give up hobbies and friends for a partner. She’s sucking the life out of you. Don’t stay with someone because ‘they don’t have anywhere to go”. Life really is too short to waste on someone incompatible.
I’m sorry, this doesn’t sound good long term. I’ve been married for 30 years and we probably have mild disagreements maybe every couple of years or so. Once it hits once a week it should be obvious that something isn’t working. The fact that she has nowhere else to go can’t figure into this.
I’m old-fashioned but really don’t think living together is a great idea unless you have moved out from mamas house and have a date set.
You’re so young and I don’t think you need to stay in a relationship that has so many communication issues. If you’ve already “almost” broken up so many times at some point you have to just bite the bullet and end it.
If your living situation is a hinderance to ending it than spend time working through what other options she has if she’s no longer with you. Maybe she has friends or other family to move in with?
You have a codependent, insecure, jealous GF who’s holding you back. Love is not enough, this relationship will die. I speak from experience. She’s not mature enough to express her true feelings to you, aka “I was joking”. Doesn’t sound like she has any friends of her own or hobbies or goals? Recipe for disaster.. for you.
I mean you say she is your soulmate because she is innocent and dependant. That’s what you get. Of course she would worry about you spending time with opposite gendered friends.
The question is if you are willing to deal with that or not. If not you have to change your preference of dependant.
Lose interest, or be interested in improving.
Leave or work on it.
Don’t stay and not work on it.
Also – if you leave, then work on yourself
Good sir, this does not sound like a good or happy relationship for you.
Look, I’ve been where you have. I married my high school sweetheart and also (separately) married my first serious boyfriend.
When you’re in the right relationship you feel loved, supported and accepted. You want to be your best because they inspire you and you think they deserve it.
You want to spend time together but you’re OK with being apart. You don’t feel insecure about them being in the presence of the opposite gender. You don’t feel like you’re walking on egg shells or constantly fighting.
You both try to understand where the other is coming from and you understand that sometimes your relationship/dates/sex life has to take a back seat.
I know you love her and it feels like you’ll never be able to love anyone else or meet anyone else as awesome as her.
You will. You can. But you should really evaluate first if this is the way you want to live the rest of your life.
You’ve altered your entire life to fit her needs, that’s not normal. In a good relationship, both partners should have time together and then time to do activities and hang out with friends. It’s easy to get carried away with your feelings and to hold onto someone you care for. But you need to remember you can’t live half a life to please her. Letting go of her is not only better for you but could help her adjust her expectations in other relationships. Don’t let her wear you down into doing everything she asks that’s abusive in its own way. Talk to your parents about what’s going on if you value their input. Don’t get defensive if they say she has flaws, they don’t hate her but want what’s best for you. I’d suggest breaking up and finding yourself again. Enjoy your activities, events, and friends like you did before your relationship, and see how you feel then.
Any time you think ‘I’m losing myself/who I am because of this person/job/whatever” then it’s time to seriously think about separating yourself from it.
So as someone who has been married for 17 years, you want to address the core of the issue (e.g. she feels rejected and unattractive because she thought your “tomorrow” was a sex promise) rather than picking apart semantics (e.g. she was/wasn’t joking. She wasn’t by the way, she just didn’t want to be vulnerable about feeling rejected/unattractive). When a partner is pissy with you, it is usually because they are HURT in some way. Anger is a *secondary* emotion to the primary emotion of sadness. THAT is what you address.
She was an *asshole* with her entitled attitude toward sex. Part of that is women receiving the constant message of gUyS WaNnA FUcK aLl ThE tImE and the assumption that the woman MUST be unattractive if he says no. This is her insecurity coming out as snark.
The smart way to respond would have been a bit of empathy. “I know I said we *might* have sex today, but this was neither a lie or a promise. Unfortunately, I am way too swamped and, despite how beautiful and sexy you look today, I am just not in the mood. I enjoyed the night we had together. Would (INSERT ACTUAL DAY AND TIME YOU’LL BE ABLE TO HAVE SEX) work?” Yes, schedule the sex and follow through. Does she have to chase you for sex often? This may also explain the level of snark.
Conversely, the way she should have approached you with a, “Hey, I was looking forward to sex today. I feel pretty disappointed that you had the time and energy to walk all over the place and shop with me, but not have sex with me. I get that you are busy, but I’d like it if we could set aside a time to be intimate.”
I had thus kind of relationship too, glad it ended. Now I’m married to my man, we argue as well but both of us stay true to ourselves. We argue, talk and we laugh afterwards.
I trust him with my whole heart. He doesn’t have to change for me. We try to talk, even if it’s too hard. We don’t force anything. That’s what everyone needs 🙂
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