Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy (23f) bf (29m) has been “testing” me a lot lately.

My (23f) bf (29m) has been “testing” me a lot lately.

So this whole situation just has me confused and I’m just looking for insight.

Lately my boyfriend has been “testing” me on weird stuff. For example, a couple of days ago he asked me to see my phone so I just went to hand it to him. He didn’t even grab it he just said “I just wanted to see how you’d react” not out of any actual concern or anything, just because.

And a week ago he asked to borrow $100 bucks so I went to go grab it from my wallet when I went to hand it to him he just said “oh I don’t really need it I was just seeing if you’d do that for me”

There’s been a couple of other small things but it just has me confused. Like he doesn’t actually have any doubt in me he just wants to “test me” and it has me so confused?? Apparently I’ve been “passing” I just don’t understand the why in the first place.

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  1. This isn’t trust issues. This is manipulation. He’s seeing how far you’ll go for him. He’s going to continue to slowly push it more and more. He wants full control where you don’t question things. I mean you’re not even questioning his weird actions now, you’re justifying it by saying he has “trust issues”.

  2. you should scroll through this sub and find some of the guys being tested. you would have something in common right off. tell him to get lost, nearly 30~ asking his girlfriend for her phone and money as some test. play stupid games, lose. 0

  3. get out now. too young for this mess and he’s too old for him to be acting this way. he’s setting the stage and testing boundaries before manipulating you and pushing those boundaries for his own well-being at the expense of yours.

  4. I’ve been seeing A LOT of “testing” posts lately(just saw 6 today), and I think this might be a new trend or something.

    But what your bf is doing is the tamest form of the trend I’ve seen.

    The worst one I saw was a girl set up a boy to get into an altercation to see if he’d fight for her. (The altercation was with a friend of hers so the fight wouldn’t happen)… he passed but didn’t know if he wanted her anymore.

  5. He either has trust issues or is being manipulative. If he has trust issues, asking you for a hundred dollars isn’t really the way to ensure you will do something for him. Maybe he is just seeing just how much you will do for him, because it sounds like he is asking for more serious things each time. First the phone, then $100. Whats he want next, you to have a threesome and then when you bring the girl he says “I just wanted to see if you would?” What will it take to prove to him that you love him and he can trust you? Trust means different things to different people. He might not mean to be , but he is confusing you and making you question things that you shouldn’t have to. I would think that he would automatically trust you unless you gave him a reason not to. Thats how I am, and I believe most others.

  6. Leave him.

    And when he asks why, tell him he failed the test.

    A healthy relationship doesn’t have one person test the other, they talk about things, work through things together, ask questions about ideas/ideals and get to know each other through conversation. Tests like those you mentioned are manipulative, and only show that he is trying to control you.

  7. Ask him why he’s testing you. I think that’s strange and manipulative behavior.

    If he starts “testing” your boundaries and makes you uncomfortable, definitely reconsider the relationship.

  8. Yeah, that’s not a normal thing to do. It’s some kind of manipulation/power play thing. Like even if you “pass”, he still is the one deciding that and having power.

    You’ve been together a year and he just started doing this? Kinda wonder if this is some sort of toxic dating technique he read about somewhere. The type of communities that would advocate for this sort of thing are bad news.

    He’s going to keep escalating it. You need to call out this behavior, ask him what prompted this, and shut it down. That’s the generous suggestion, assuming he hasn’t done any manipulative stuff like this in the past.

  9. He’s being a jerk. I’d tell him that you’re testing him and every test he gives you is a fail for him. `This is manipulation and like the others say, he wants to test your limits. At 29, he should be a lot more mature than this.

  10. > I just don’t understand the why in the first place.

    He is establishing an unbalanced power dynamic in your relationship where he is in control and you have to adhere to his standards. I’d say he failed the test of being a decent boyfriend.

  11. This does not sound good. Was he in a bad relationship where something happened, and he’s doing this to see what you would do in advance? Even if that was the case, it would not be right for a person to treat their partner like that. Are you able to discuss this with him, and maybe get some insight on why he’s doing this? It really would not matter why someone was “testing” me, I’d break the relationship off. Easier said than done, I get that. But, you deserve being treated right. The way you are being treated now is not good at all, that’s for sure.

  12. Omg!! All of you saying break up with him, manipulation… etc.. are u peeps serious?! I’m assuming everything has been going ok in the relationship? Just Ask him why he’s testing you, it’s weird. Maybe this guy, because let’s face guys can sometimes act like tools, we’ll women too, but anyway. maybe read a stupid something online about girlfriends and wants to see how you’ll react. I dunno. It’s weird, just ask him.

  13. Talk to him about it, tell him you find it weird. If he doesn’t have an ulterior motive he should apologise and/or, at the very least, stop doing it. If he gets defensive or angry, then it may be time to consider leaving this man as he’s most likely being manipulative and while it may not lead to anything terrible like most people in this sub will immediately tell you, it could lead to heartbreak and possibly financi struggles.

    Just my 2 cents. Hope things get better!

  14. No one likes pop quizzes so it’s fair to not like being put on the spot just to see how you’d react. I don’t think it’s as much of a red flag as others in the thread are making it out to be though which is ironic considering he’s looking for red flags himself, do you consider your phone off limits , would you be willing to lend him money etc.

    often times we aren’t aware of how someone who would react to certain situations until it comes up. Obviously the correct thing would be to just have a conversation about what is off limits for you. In my relationship I’ll hand my phone over no problem but I have also made it clear the messages with my close friends are off limits in respect of their privacy and my own.

  15. “Testing” in some ways or another has been on my tik tok for you page for a minute.

    I would sit down and have a conversation for sure, but if this behavior continues he could be projecting onto you.

  16. Ask him why he feels the need to test you. Tell him it’s making you question the relationship. It sounds like red flags to me – but perhaps his reaction to your questioning is even more telling.

  17. I picture this scenario as if he’s a scammer and you’re the person who they stole your identity from. He has your bank details and just withdraws a few bucks to see if the info is correct without raising any flags. When he’s successful, he goes and wipes out your entire bank account.

    This behavior is not normal, nor should you be okay with him “testing” you. He’s just seeing how far he can push boundaries before he raises any flags. If you don’t put a screeching halt to this shitty, manipulative behavior he’ll take it all. And he’ll leave you in a (figurative and maybe literal) penniless heap, looking to him to put it back. Cue control and dependent behaviors.

  18. This man is nearly 30 and playing the kinds of games that Nickelodeon tween sitcoms would call out as ridiculous.

    The world is full of kind, charming, responsible people who don’t try to manipulate and “test” their partners. Go find one of those and leave this man to people who have nothing better to do that create drama.

  19. Straight up manipulation 101. Ive lived this. These are tests of manipulation. You need to question things. Actions show true intentions. His actions are shady. Hes going to keep pushing more and more. Also look more closely to your relationship with him. He’s probably going to see what else he can control of you. Theres probably more tests you’re being given but are not realizing right now. This red flag is standing out to you so please dont ignore it. If it doesnt feel right it probably isnt right.

  20. Typically when a partner accuses their partner out of nowhere(this is a tame form of accusing you), they’re projecting. They know they wouldn’t like you doing to them what they’re doing to you. You see it a LOT with cheating….such as testing to see if you’re hesitant to hand over your phone.

  21. Nope. Nope. Nope. This ‘testing’ behavior is him testing how much control he can have over you. He won’t stop no matter how many times you do the right thing. It only escalates.

    My ex did this to me all the time. He’d have his friends dm me as a test. Not only was it humiliating, but it also made me feel like I was constantly walking on egg shells even though I did nothing wrong. And my ex was testing me because he was cheating and wanted to see if I was too. Your ex might be in the same boat. Ask for his phone next time.

  22. He seems to have trust issues and doesn’t seem like he feels secure in the relationship.

    He probably plays it off as a “joke”, but it’s probably based from how he feels with the relationship. If you don’t want him to do it, just tell him. Have a serious talk about how he feels about things, how it makes you feel when he does it, and get past this weird stage in the relationship

  23. Women do this ALL THE TIME. At one point or another you want a situational response to something totally controlled but still gives the person the opportunity to rise to the occasion or to punk out. If he’s testing her, it means he’s seriously considering the next step in the process and knowing that she won’t punk out when out under some pressure it makes the choice that much clearer and eliminates any guesswork in her loyalty and support.

    If he IS testing you, that’s a good thing. If he had no intention of making you permanent, then testing wouldn’t happen.

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