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My (25F) boyfriend (24M) acknowledged what he did wrong and apologized but I’m still upset

I went out to a friend’s birthday party about 6 months ago and there were a lot of acquaintances of acquaintances so not all of us knew each other. Basically two new friend groups merging for the first time. There was a girl that was seemingly very flirty and talkative to my boyfriend and my friend agreed that she was uncomfortably close to my boyfriend. It left a bad taste in my mouth and her friends described her as very impulsive and thrill seeking.

I didn’t think I’d ever see her again since she wasn’t really close to any of the people at the party, just a friend of a friend.

Then out of the blue a few months later, my boyfriend texts me and lets me know that he’s going out to a restaurant with her alone. Apparently everyone added each other on instagram and she had dmed him personally asking if he wanted to go to this restaurant she’s been really wanting to try. I was in the middle of a nap and when I woke up to the text, I was shocked. My boyfriend has more girl friends and that doesn’t bother me. He hangs out with them and I trust him and them. But I did NOT feel comfortable about this specific situation. I told him I didn’t feel comfortable with this because of what had happened before and he tells me that he never noticed she was flirting with him. By the time I had told him, he was already there so he couldn’t bail on her?

He ends up coming back home at 1 in the morning anxious out of his mind because he apparently greened out from some edibles she gave him. I was so anxious the entire time wondering what the hell they were doing so late at night.

I reiterate how horrible I felt waiting for him and he tells me that he won’t do it again because it isn’t worth making me uncomfortable just to hang out with her. I thought that was mature of him to say and it made me feel secure.

Yesterday he calls me piss drunk out of his mind. The most drunk I have ever seen him in our entire relationship. To note, my boyfriend doesn’t really go out. His closest friends live in other states and he doesn’t go out with the ones he knows in his state unless they ask him to. He only ever goes out with one friend and that friend hates going out to bars. The only other friend that I know that likes going out had recently moved away so things didn’t add up. It didn’t make sense for him to go out to a bar alone so I asked him who he was out with. It took me three tries to get him to tell me who it was. He tells me “\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_. I know you said you don’t like me hanging out with her.” And then he immediately changed the subject. I was livid.

When I asked why he would do that he said it’s because I said I trusted him. I told him that I DID say that but I said during the first time “I trust YOU, I don’t know if I trust her though.” Then he said he was afraid of telling her no. I told him I felt betrayed that he went back on his word. I told him that if the reasoning behind going out with her was that you didn’t want to say no then he was prioritizing her feelings over mine. He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal at the time and that he was not prioritizing hers over mine but how is it not? What tipped me over the edge was that he disclosed to her that I did not like her and that I thought she was flirting with him as a way to ask “this is just a platonic hangout right?” But I was livid because that wasn’t information for her to know and it wouldn’t have made it any better if she had told him “oh yeah, this is just a hangout!” He said “if anything, she felt bad yada yada.”

I asked him things like ‘why would you do that when you said you wouldn’t, how would you have felt if it was the other way around?’ He started saying “I’m realizing how bad that was” and wouldn’t stop apologizing and saying he wouldn’t do it anymore. He asked me how he could make it better and at first I said I honestly didn’t know but I knew for a fact I wanted him to understand what he did wasn’t cool.

He acknowledged what he did wrong, he said he wouldn’t do it again, and he apologized for it. I accepted the apology but why do I feel a sour taste in my mouth. I still feel betrayed and my trust has cracked. But I feel like it’s unproductive for me to stay mad. I don’t know what I”m supposed to do at this point. I don’t feel like pretending I feel okay after receiving an apology and accepting it. Do I need time to think to myself/have space to myself? I hate the thought of being like “alright I accept your apology, we’re okay” to “actually I thought more about it, and I’m still upset.” He’d ask me again how he can make it better but honestly I don’t know what that would be.

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  1. >he tells me that he won’t do it again because it isn’t worth making me uncomfortable just to hang out with her

    And then he did it anyway.

    Now he’s telling you that he won’t do it again, AGAIN.

    No wonder you don’t find his promises reassuring this time.

  2. > he was afraid of telling her no

    He was more reluctant to tell her no than betray your trust.

    > He said he didn’t think it was that big of a deal

    BS. Both him and you talked about and fully understood how hurt it made you when he betrayed you the first time:

    “I reiterate how horrible I felt waiting for him and he tells me that he won’t do it again because it isn’t worth making me uncomfortable just to hang out with her. I thought that was mature of him to say and it made me feel secure.”

    > he disclosed to her that I did not like her and that I thought she was flirting with him

    He twisted the knife for absolutely no reason.

    > He’d ask me again how he can make it better

    His words mean nothing after how he lied to your face the first time. Has he minimally stopped talking to her entirely?

  3. You will never forget that he chose her over you. Maybe you don’t know it yet, but this is the beginning of the end. I apologize if my honesty is too brutal. I know no other way.

  4. You still feel betrayed because you were and you don’t regain trust in a week.

    It was his overall decision making that is the problem. Who goes out to dinner alone with a woman when you in a relationship like that!

    Honestly I don’t know how I would forgive something like that. You can’t answer how to make it better. He either does things to prove you can trust him or you leave. It isn’t your job to do all the heavy lifting in the relationship when he messes up.

  5. He is lying to you actively. Then gets caught and tries to kiss your ass.

    He isn’t trustworthy at all. Tell him you are done since he is selfish and keeps lying.

  6. He is thrilled by this woman’s madness and it won’t stop until she’s bored of him.

    She’s only going to be bored with him shortly after you dump him.

    But she probably wants to create drama and fight you for him to “win” him and she doesn’t know you know that he already killed your relationship by disrespecting your agreement.

    Let him know her game. Let him know that you know that he decided to chase wild pussy the minute he didn’t block her. Let him know that you need a man who is stable enough to not chase wild pussy and that you hope he wears a condom every time for his own sake.

    Dump him. Get a disrespectful man out of your life while also making him worthless to her too.

  7. Jesus H Christ! What is it with modern relationships that it’s acceptable to go out on dates with other women when you’re supposed to be in a relationship. When I’m in a relationship it’s because I like the other person. To me that means I enjoy spending time with them, not spending time away from them. Especially not alone with other women, friends or not. And it’s got nothing to do with trust and everything to do with respect. If you respect the relationship you don’t act as if you’re single.

    Everything he has done to date shows a total lack of respect. If a ‘friend’ asks you out to dinner at the very least he should call you and ask if you want to go too. He didn’t do that. Disrespect number one. Then when he does let you know it’s too late to back out, (bullshit btw), but he doubles down by staying out until 1 am. Disrespect number 2. Btw, does this mean you are living together? Because if you are, him going out regularly without you doesn’t seem like much of a relationship to me. And of course staying out with another woman till the early hours, it doesn’t matter how much you trusted him, it’s a natural reaction to wonder if he did something that he shouldn’t have.

    Then a while later, you don’t really say how long since the first incident, he goes out again without telling you and he’s out with this girl he had said he wouldn’t see again because he didn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Disrespect number 3. And do you know how long he had been hanging out with her before calling you? And what they had been up to in all that time?

    You say he’s apologised. But did he apologise because you’re upset, or does he understand what he’s done wrong. Unless he understands why you’re upset he’ll just do it again.

    He’s asking you how he can make it up? Flip it on him. He fucked up, how about he come up with suggestions as to how to make it up to you. It shouldn’t all be you doing the work.

    But here’s a few suggestions. How about he does you the courtesy of letting you know when he’s going out with others before the fact, not during or as an afterthought. How about not hanging out with other women alone. In groups only or better yet, bring you along.

    And did you give him an ultimatum about this girl? I know ultimatums are frowned upon in Reddit, but fuck that! If you haven’t already, tell him that if you find out he’s been in contact with this girl again in any way, shape or form then it’s over. No discussion or amount of apologies from him, you walk.

    I’ll end my rant now. It just pisses me off when I hear of people who take others for granted the way your bf has taken you for granted. One last piece of advice. Take a few days for yourself, away from him and reflect on the relationship. Think long and hard as to whether you’re getting what you want out of it. Good luck.

  8. you are still upset because he broke your trust and he has yet to make efforts in fixing what he broke.

    Right now this is as much a you problem as a him problem.

    Firstly you say you trust him, so trust him. trust that he would never do anything to hurt you, he has enough integrity and honor to not do you dirty. that he knows the difference between “No I have a GF” and “sorry, I have a GF”. If you are truly unbothered then this wouldn’t be a blip for you. so on some level, you do not trust this man to be a good man.

    Secondly, he knew, he damn well knew she was flirting up a storm with him. only a truly brain dead idiot would have no clue if she was a bold and blatant as you say she was. your hubby should have seem that minefield and noped the hell out of there. he did not, worse he lowered his inhibitions through edibles and stayed with her till 1 AM. Really?

    You have every right to be pissed, you have every right to put forth boundaries and you have every right to reevaluate your relationship.

    Best of luck in what you decide to do.

    And FYI, it is also perfectly ok to say “I had time to think about this whole thing, and after some time away from you I realized I’m not as ok as I thought I was. You really hurt me and I want to work with you in trying to solve this so we can get back to what we where before.” his reaction to this wil tell you all you need to know about the importance of both you and your relationship to him.

    But only you know what it would take for him to make it better.

  9. He betrayed you what makes you think he wouldn’t do it again? You don’t need someone who disrespects you like that. You told him how you feel about it and he didn’t care because he wanted to make her happy instead of you. Your trust is broken i don’t know how to gain it back.
    Break up with him and see how he behaves. I’m pretty sure he’ll go back to her and god knows what’s going to happen.

  10. An apology is just words and his actions aren’t showing he is sorry. He knew it was wrong and did it again and made excuses. Honestly, unless there were video proof I wouldn’t believe for a second that there was any valid reason for him to come home at 1am

  11. You feel betrayed because your boyfriend *did* betray you. Let’s assume the best and say that nothing unsavory happened between him and this woman. You still told him how this person made you feel. And you’ve been fine with him having female friends before, so it’s not as if you’re being overbearing by asking him to not hangout with a woman who was flirting with him. And yet, he went out with her anyway (after he promised he wouldn’t), stressing you out further. He broke your trust.

    You said you don’t want to just accept his apology and pretend you’re fine, and you shouldn’t. Doing so would just lead to resentment and anxiety, since the issue isn’t truly resolved. Take some time to breathe and let the stronger emotions settle a bit. Once they have, sit your boyfriend down for a conversation. First, press him for details about what happened both nights. Him greening out and getting piss drunk with a woman who was aggressively flirting with him sounds like a recipe for disaster. Provided nothing happened, explain that you’re still hurt and why you’re still hurt. Try to emphasize just how much of a violation what he did was. And then make it very clear what your expectations are regarding him and this woman going forward. You likely still won’t be completely fine (it takes longer than a week and a single conversation to restore trust), but provided he’s serious about making things right, you should eventually be able to move past this.

    And if he lies again, then you see him for who he truly is and should act accordingly.

  12. The reason you don’t accept the apology is because it’s meaningless when not supported by his actions. He knew it would upset you and did it anyways. And like you said he prioritizes some random girls feelings over yours. I wouldn’t be able to move past this. Why does he feel the need to be seeing this girl so badly? She is trouble and you know it and your bf is, dare I say, too infatuated, to care.

  13. He knew it was a big deal because it took you 3 tried to get him to admit who he went with. He’s straight up lying to you, and I’m willing to bet cold hard cash that he’s either already cheating on you or he is going to in the future. All you’re doing is teaching him how to hide this better.

  14. thoughts On making it better:

    1) he needs to block her Immediately.

    2) if she tries to contact him again, he needs to tell you immediately.

    3) if he is out with friends and without you, and she shows up he needs to tell you immediately, stop drinking and not indulge in any other drugs.

  15. Do yourself the biggest favor you could do at the moment and get the fuck out of this relationship. He has repeatedly disrespected your boundaries, the fact that he makes half assed apologies after the fact is irrelevant. His actions are speaking way louder than his words ever could.

    The worst part about it is he is probably lying to himself as much as he is you. He knows deep down exactly what he is doing, but he likes the attention and taboo of dancing around cheating so much that he pretends its harmless, and that he can’t just ignore her because then he will be the bad guy. It’s honestly pathetic, and everyone deserves better than this.

  16. Option A – he’s a gullible ass who really didn’t know what was happening and just tried to be friendly or a people pleaser (which is a trait to work on in itself), you try to fix the relationship and he proves that he understands what he did wrong and won’t repeat it

    Option B – he liked the attention and convinced himself it was all innocent because he’s just going to hang out and have a good time, while deep down he knew what he was doing but his conscience caught up with him.

    How much do you like and trust this fella? I would say the only remedy is he blocks her amd stays true to his word, you stay around and see how it goes, or you don’t want to deal with that level of drama and effort and just jump the ship

  17. Just to be clear, he promised you he wouldn’t see her again after that first mess-up and next time he met her he didn’t tell you in advance?

    So he knew what he was doing or he would’ve texted you beforehand. He knew you wouldn’t be ok with it that’s why he told you after the fact when he got caught. Not to mention that he lied and broke his promise. I wouldn’t believe a word this guy tells me from now on. Sorry.

  18. The taste is sour, because you’ve been fooled by this same apology once and he yet again broke your trust for this woman he asserts doesn’t matter.

    What reason would he have for being afraid to say no to her? What is the power she has? The disappointment of a friend of a friend of a friend who you can easily unfriend and mute on Instagram? His excuses aren’t adding up and that the source of the sour.

  19. So he’s actively dating another woman? That’s what dinner out in a fancy restaurant (and deliberately excluding the current GF) sounds like to me.

    He’s emotionally prioritising her. (telling her you don’t like her and think she’s putting the moves on)

    >Then he said he was afraid of telling her no.

    Why? Is this because he fears her disapproval? He wants her to like him? He cares a lot about someone who is a casual friend of less than 6 months acquaintance.

    Ask him bluntly, who does he want to date, her or you?

    If you, he has to cut her off completely. That’s a reasonable boundary.

    He can get drunk and do drugs with other people, he doesn’t need her to do it. (I notice in both encounters you describe him being intoxicated)

  20. Honestly you have to have another talk with him. This time about commitment. First of all If he is willing to break YOUR trust over feeling bad for turning her down? Majorrrrrr warning signs. He does not respect YOU and your time. Period. Second of all he not only did he see her a second time after the initial conversation, her went and aired dirty laundry to her. What is said in your relationship does not go into the ears of other people (unless it’s actually in need of dire help like DV, abuse and such) ESPECIALLY serious conversations.

  21. He betrayed your trust. He knew what he was doing. His apology is meaningless. You should not accept it and you should not forgive him. He did it knowing that you wouldn’t like it. That’s why he didn’t want to tell you who he was out with. He is lying when he says he didn’t know how bad it was. That makes his apologies lies as well.

  22. It’s okay to feel betrayed. He broke your trust and is apologizing AFTER the fact that you told him you felt as if she was flirting with him. Men definitely know when they’re being flirted with. They just act stupid when their partner’s bring it up. I think you should give yourself some time to collect your thoughts so you could fully talk to him in a neutral setting.

  23. 1. He’s said himself that he’s too afraid to say “no”. So, he’s a person who isn’t able to have boundaries with others.
    That’s a thing that will continue to cause hurt and similar situations later on as he hasn’t dealt with that part of his personality.

    2. It’s understandable that you can’t forgive him. He has shown you that he has a pattern of not being able to have clear boundaries with others. And because he can’t respect his own boundaries and doesn’t see them as important as another person’s wants (even a stranger’s wants and desires!!), he also doesn’t respect your boundaries.

    3. You’re not a mom or a parent that should teach him that boundaries in general are important. Both yours and his. These are things he should know of and understand already.

    4. He is someone who clearly prioritize other people’s needs and wants and desires over boundaries. Both his own and yours; not being able to say ‘no’ and all.
    He didn’t respect his own ‘no’, and prioritised her ‘yes’ above everybody’s “no”.
    Will he respect your ‘no’? He didn’t though, did he?

  24. Hon, this AT BEST an emotional affair. That likely went physical. He cheated, lied, gaslight you….the whole shebang.

    Call it what it is. Cheating. Now decide what you want to do about it.

  25. Why do you believe this is as good as it gets for you? Why do you feel this is what you deserve?

    Honey, he *loves* the attention. Why is he afraid to say no to her? Because he will lose her attention.

    He’s making poor choices- eating too many edibles, binge drinking-because it feels good to do those things with *her*.

    You deserve a partner who wouldn’t dream of betraying you this way. You deserve a partner who doesn’t go on *dates* while they’re in a relationship. He told you last minute because he knew what he was doing is wrong.

    If you choose to stay, it will continue. They will have sex. He will find someone else and start the cycle all over again once he gets bored. TRUST that he has shown you who he really is with his *actions*, his words mean nothing.

    You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. Does he?

  26. OP you have a sour taste in your mouth because he’s not telling you the whole truth. I can assure you that it’s not unproductive to be mad at him because there is more to this than you probably know. You told him you’re uncomfortable he should have put a stop to it then and there. He lied to you and did it again. Pack your things if you live together and leave at least for a little while. This guy literally chose another girl over you.

  27. He disrespected you. Repeatedly.

    He did it once and you stated your boundaries.

    He did it again, disrespecting you and your relationship, especially by telling her how you feel and your conversation with him. He chose her over you, because he chose to hang out and make her comfortable over you.

    To me, I wouldn’t be with someone that has that kind of friend in their life when they are unable to put boundaries up. So, to me, he would either not be her friend (with room for compromise, like only when a large group is around or I am there, but no talking outside of that) or I would leave because I wouldn’t be comfortable. Especially if he says he doesn’t want to say no. **It’s not hard to say no when the other option is something you know will hurt someone you love.**

    Have a talk with him, and ask him to state what he is going to do for this not to happen again, because if everything stays the same it will have the same results. He needs to distance himself from her and build boundaries. Even other people know she is flirting, he is disrespecting your relationship by going out alone with someone like that.

    If he really wants to make it better, to me, it would be cutting her out.

    UpdateMe! Please

  28. Better to ask for forgiveness than permission.

    He played you and took you for a fool and you are thinking of forgiving him.

    So he gets what he wants, he got the attention from her and he gets to keep you.

    I expect this situation to repeat itself. He now knows what he can do and what you will forgive.

    Doormat life

  29. I feel like we need a gif of a referee pulling out a red flag but it does the magician trick where it’s endless red flags tied together

    This dude did something he knew you wouldn’t like. Told you as he went instead of inviting you? Red flag

    He stayed out late and greened out knowing you weren’t happy about his decisions? Red flag

    Made a promise to not do it again and did it. Red flag

    Got piss drunk with her? Super red flag at this point

    Now tells her everything you said? That’s a checkered flag. Call the race its over. Leave him please before we get the update in r/survivinginfedelity

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