Thanks in advance for your help.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and we have a newborn daughter (2 months old and was born prematurely (so that was and is a lot of work)).
I’m exhausted and I just want to cuddle with him or talk but he always wants to have sex. (We have sex twice a week). When he comes back from work, he comments on my butt, boobs and body, saying that it’s tempting, that he would like to “eat that”, or saying “I wish I had that too” when seeing the baby being breastfed. I mean, it’s flattering and all but Jesus he ALWAYS makes such comments. I told him that it makes me feel like an object even though it’s flattering but he just keeps on making these comments. It makes me feel like I never “give” him enough sex. It has always been like this but I thought it would maybe be less of an issue with the baby.
I feel bad for saying no but at the same time, I will not disrespect myself by always giving my body away as soon as he asks… I feel conflicted because I love him but our appetites for sex are not equally strong.
Sometimes, I’d honestly just prefer to clean the house than have sex…
I’m tired and I just feel like sex is a bit of a waste of time when I could do something productive or sleep…
What’s your opinion on this?
Congratulations on your sweet little babe, OP. The newborn months are difficult enough to navigate under the best of circumstances, dealing with a premature birth on top of that must be particularly tough. Best of luck to you.
I don’t have much useful advice for you but at two months postpartum, your body is literally in the danger zone so of course your sexual desire is nonexistent. This is perfectly normal. Part of it is purely biological – you’re not physically recovered from pregnancy and childbirth and your baby sapping your calcium and vitamins to make their own whole little body from two simple little cells.
The other part is pure survival in the fourth trimester – if you’re existing on six hours of sleep broken into three parts and spending your waking hours catering to every demand of a premature newborn, how in the blue fuck would you have the energy to relax, recharge and feel horny?
Other than put your partner to equal amounts of work caring for baby and the household and taking on the same sleep deficit, I’m not sure what the solution is, but at the moment you are absolutely not inhabiting the same world and you have nothing to feel guilt over.
I had twins and went through about 8 months of rarely wanting to have sex post partum. Sex legitimately grossed me out. His come-ons grossed me out. Him trying to intiate grossed me out. Sex became a chore. I was just so fkn exhausted, sex was the furthest thing on my mind. Turns out it was partially my hormones going back to normal and well….taking care of 2 newborns, I honestly didn’t even want to chance getting pregnant again.
It’ll come back. He needs to realize you’re exhausted though and the sexual comments are irritating and demoralizing.
I’m convinced some of the people commenting have worms for brains. Your body has been through SO MUCH in the last few months, your hormones will be trying to restore themselves to a more natural balance, OF COURSE you may not be wanting sex, that’s totally natural. Keep your boundaries and as other commenters have said, other subs from people who have given birth will provide you with more constructive advice
I’ve dealt with a touch of this as well.
Once you have a kid, you get burnt out from people constantly needing/wanting something from you. You get touched out. With a baby, your body isn’t yours anymore.
Especially if your partner isn’t putting any effort into romance or nonsexual intimacy, it’s very difficult for me to be in the mood.
First off….your body isn’t healed yet, all you got was the “all clear” from the doctor in regards to the gapping plate size hole in your uterus from the freaking extra organ (placenta) that you created and expelled with the baby is likely closed. It takes about a year to fully recover from child birth and pregnancy.
Moving forward, your hormones are taking a nose dive right now plus breastfeeding, having a lower libido is 100% expected, because that’s how the body protects your supply on purpose. Throw in the bonus of having sleep deprivation and caring for a premie being completely touched out and overstimulated is valid.
If your husband wants to be intimate with you he has to be understanding about your needs right now. You are going through a lot and saying he wants to “eat that” can come off repulsive and immature versus the type of love and connection you’re in need of at the moment. Try having a convo with him and explain that you need emotional intimacy right now. It won’t be like this forever but he needs to be respectful to you and you don’t have to put up with having your boundaries trampled. You guys are a new journey together and its gonna take time
You’re only eight weeks postpartum, women aren’t given the all clear for sex until *at least* six weeks after, how long has this been going on since the kiddo came?
Your bf is gross as hell for sexualizing breastfeeding btw.
You need to talk to him and make it very clear that you’re not going to tolerate how often he’s sexualizing you, and demanding sex, that you don’t appreciate it, and stick to your guns. You are a new mom still recovering, you need rest. He should be taking care of you. And if he needs to get off, he has hands.
“I need you to tone it down. You’re making me uncomfortable, and your constant comments actually make me feel BAD about myself. The amount that you comment about my body makes me feel like I need to put out more, even when I don’t want it. It’s making me kind of resentful. We’ve talked about it before but, please, I really need it to tone down some.”
Be blunt. Maybe even toss in there “I thought you’d do it less after the baby was born, but you don’t. That’s a problem for me.”
Congrats on your baby, and it’s totally normal to not want sex AT ALL at this stage or for quite a while. I hope you find a good balance and are able to talk things out with your husband.
Girl, of course you are exhausted, you just had a baby!!! Maybe cross post this to women subreddits as I think you will get a lot of advice and empathy from them
I haven’t had a kid myself, but I’ve known friends that have been in your position, they understandably don’t want to be touched and smothered after having a baby because their body has just been through so much trauma and they are constantly needed by everyone around them. Some couples don’t have sex at all for the first few months after having a kid because your body needs time to recover, if that is how you feel then express that to your partner!
Continue to stand your ground, you’re right, you aren’t an object and you are going through a very transformative time in your life so take it slow and don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do, good luck!
Edit: Just realised you did post this on r/parenting and getting a lot of solid advice, definitely listen to them and take care of yourself!
How involved is he with caring for the baby? Seems like he could be lightening your load rather than making demands.
He needs a reality check. Good grief. Make him read this thread.
Buy him a bottle of lotion and tell him to enjoy his sexy time alone. You are still healing, your body is changing and you are a first time mom caring for a newborn. You’ve got a lot on your plate without being pressured for sex.
Life changes after kids and you’ll both need to adjust as you figure out what your new normal is. Good luck.
I was a single mother from the beginning, and honestly I was grateful for the first two years. I had zero libido until I weaned my daughter at 21 months. And then my hormones were still crazy for like 8 or 9 months after that.
That’s not even getting into the physical recovery I needed (I felt like I was dying for 3-4 months). If anyone had tried to touch me before then I would’ve lost it. Tell him to back off and be supportive until you’re ready. His demands are insane and offensive.
You’re only two months postpartum and he’s already making you have sex twice a week? Is that even long enough for you to have healed? He needs to give you a break and let you rest
I’m sure this will be buried. There is a strong evolutionary pressure for you to not want sex with a newborn. If you were to get pregnant, your body likely wouldn’t be able to continue making enough milk. The aversion to sex is protective for your baby and your own health.
How long after birth did you have to heal before having sex again/he start making these comments? Does he do any of the late night feeds/diaper changes?
I had a wonderful boyfriend who wanted sex every night at the least. He was truly a great guy and we’re still friends but I had to break up with him because he wanted sex waaaaaay too much and didn’t care how tired I was.
I had another boyfriend who made me feel like a piece of meat. Every time I walked by him he would grab my ass or tit and it became really fucking annoying. I eventually told him to stop because it started to get on my nerves and I found it disrespectful (not the grabbing me in general but the doing it everytime and in a way that wasn’t gentle). I could not handle either of those situations and put my foot down in both. You have to put your foot down. Since you have a kid, it’s not like you can just leave if you feel like you’re sexually incompatible.
If (other than the sex thing) you have a really good relationship and he treats you well, you have to speak to him about this. You can definitely work this out if he’s willing to work with you. If he isn’t, your next step is counseling. If that doesn’t work, well you know what comes next.
Let’s see him push something out of his pee hole and literally feed that human from your body, which is now in overdrive producing, and be up for getting someone’s rocks off. Good Lord. How annoying.
I’m 3 months postpartum and still do not want to fuck.
The baby is two months old and was born premature. I don’t feel like sex would really be the first thing on my mind
Don’t listen to the men saying you’re in the wrong in any way btw. You’re not. They’re delusional
Tell him how you feel and educate him on what your body just went though
Your boyfriend sounds a bit immature. You just had a baby, you have another life to take care of. That he is sexualizing your breasts while the baby’s breastfeeding is just immature. I assume he’s somewhat jealous of all the attention the baby gets and he wants sex to prove that you still love him probably or he’s just a horny dude. I would love to know how much baby care he actually does, any? If you’re doing everything then it’s no wonder he don’t want to have sex you’re just exhausted. Does he have no concept of how tiring taking care of a baby and doing everything else and not giving a lot of sleep actually is? You definitely need to have a serious talk with this guy cuz this is ridiculous, twice a week should be more than adequate at this point.
Him being horny is not a good enough reason to disrespect your boundaries and wishes about what you want him to say to/about you. Right now he should respect and understand that the baby is your first priority. And if you feel like sex is a chore, just tell him no. No is a full sentence. You never have to do something without wanting to. Get your sleep and tell him that you want to cuddle. Cuddles are amazing ☺️
Lots of dudes giving shitty advice here. Guys, I’ve got some advice for you: if you never want to deal with the reality of life after pregnancy, get a vasectomy.
OP, I’ve never had a baby and even I know that your hormones and body are going to change and you’re probably not going to want sex for the first six months, and that you’ll be exhausted from taking care of the baby. It’s completely normal, and *something he should have been well aware of in advance if he’d done any research into pregnancy or childbirth whatsoever*.
It’s also completely normal for a 27 year-old guy to be horny. Nothing wrong with that either.
What’s not okay is that he’s not respecting your boundaries and not respecting what you and your body just went through. From what you’ve said, you’ve made a perfectly clear and reasonable request (to stop making those comments) and he’s doing it anyway.
If he wants to throw the relationship away, this is a great way to do that. Lurk on the deadbedrooms sub for a while, and you’ll start seeing patterns – a lot of those dead bedrooms started when the female partner had a baby and the male partner showed no empathy or support. Naturally, when the female partner’s libido returned to normal, she had no interest in her husband, because now she sees him as the man who made her feel like shit when she was vulnerable and truly needed support.
What would I do in your situation? I wouldn’t mention a lot of what you’ve said in this post to him, not because you’re wrong (you’re not) but because it’ll have zero impact. He’s horny, and he’s not listening.
If you have a mutual male friend who has a kid, maybe ask him to speak to your boyfriend and talk some sense into him – he’ll be more likely to objectively listen to someone who doesn’t turn him on. Bonus points if the friend has a kid that’s a bit older than yours so he can talk about this stage with the benefit of hindsight.
If he’s open to it, professional help isn’t a bad idea.
Girl I would say every new mom I know has been there. I still have little desire and I’m 10 months pp. Your boyfriend needs to respect you, and should support you during one of the most difficult times mentally, physically and emotionally.
And I second the sexualization of breastfeeding as a red flag. Gross.
Men reeeeaaally need to take a course on possible relationship changes through having an infant. This shit is TOO common and common sense, and men just DONT get it.
You know what’s sexy? A man that focuses on your needs. Washes the bottles. Has a vacuum in his hand. Cuddles. You know what’s a buzz kill? Your spouse. Most women (like me) were too tired and sore. I had so much trauma down there, I’d tell my spouse No Go. For months. Tooooooo drained. And breasts are food right now. Time to have a talk.
I’m 60, a grandma with some elderly wisdom. Many posts are spot on about you being on a different level from your bf after the precious baby came along but the bottom line is if you have communicated these feelings you’re having. If not, why not? Are you afraid of retaliation? Will he pout, be angry, belittle you, be mean? You can’t live in a situation where you have no voice.
If you *have* told him your issues and he has ignored your request for space and patience, that’s also a serious problem.
You Must find a way to communicate, if you are afraid find a therapist to help you find your voice or a friend, mom or close relative to support you. Once you’ve told him and if in Any way he doesn’t respect your needs, leave if you can. If only for a short period of time to have a safe space to find your self worth that deserves to be treated gently.No need to tell him you’re leaving, just tell him you’re invited to spend a long weekend with someone who wants to see the baby. Simply a vacay to hear your own voice and mind. Other factors will go into any long term decision, does he help around the house, does he take turns with the baby, are you afraid he’ll cheat if you don’t bend to his will, does he take your opinion in other matters as well, etc?
Nip this in the bud now, it will only get worse. It sounds like you love each other and just need better communication but this can make or break a couple so be strong, for you and your baby to have a mentally healthy relationship.
Beat wishes, Nanny.
It sounds like you’re not working him hard enough. A couple with a two-month-old daughter should be prioritizing sleep, not sex. Make SURE that he’s doing 50% of the childcare when he gets home from work. The second he makes a comment about your body, smile, hand the baby over, and say “that’s so great! Here, take the baby so I can get a nap and shower so that *I* can be in the mood, too!” And then do just that. Let him take some of your exhaustion off your shoulders.
This post is for r/beyondthebump….. Otherwise you get the misogynistic ass hats who are probably skipping months of child support and cheating on their baby Mama’s. So many Brad’s in the comment section.
A Brad = typical millennial men who did coke in their frats with the boys and whose mom’s still do their laundry. The good ol’ days are far behind you Brad.
Stop telling him that his behavior is flattering. Be clear that bothering you when you are tired or caring for your child is unsexy and he needs to grow up. Have some self respect. His behavior is super gross and immature, you should be putting your foot down and demanding better treatment.
It’s normal for the post partum months. Keep communication open. Set some boundaries and expectations. Ask for what you need. Intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Explain if you need more time to get to where he is. Also have him help more so you have more energy. It’s not a waste of time if it makes good endorphins. However it is not uncommon for breastfeeding moms to feel “touched out” by the end of the day.
You just had a baby 2 months ago your body needs the rest and the absence of sex right to heal and get the full desire back again once healed
He needs to understand that and so do you or you’ll forever hate sex again
Give your body sometime and your mind
Plus your a new mom, I waited 6 months before I had sex again after birth
Until my body felt that sexual desire like a teenager in heat lol
You want to be seen as a fully whole sentient being not just something for his pleasure. Talk to him up to couples counseling. Be aware of what sexual coercion is and make sure you look after yourself.
2 months? You just got out of the ” potentially bleed to death due physical damage from sex” stage of recovery. I’m sorry I get that he’s horny but at some point we have to be adults. He needs to go spend some time with Pamela Handerson and let you fucking rest.
>It has always been like this but I thought it would maybe be less of an issue with the baby.
I did this too with other issues. Unfortunately having a baby doesn’t make some people grow up the way we think it should.
If you’ve told him to stop and that it makes you feel gross and he won’t, don’t have aex with him. Not as a punishment, bit because you should not have sex with people who make you feel gross.
I never could get my ex husband to see that I needed physical affection that had nothing to do with sex.
Your boyfriend isn’t being supportive at all and that’s concerning. You just had a baby, your body has been traumatized, your hormones are adjusting, and your brain has reconfigured itself to make your little one your priority. Instead of helping you heal by offering support, he’s focusing only trying to get sex. He not only needs to grow up, but he needs to realize he’s a father now, and has responsibilities to you and his child that don’t involve getting laid. If I were you, I’d have a serious conversation with him about how his behaviour makes you feel and what you need from him. If he continues to disrespect you by ignoring your boundaries, then that’s a problem and you will need to decide if you can continue in a relationship with him.
Does he pull his weight with the baby? Give you extended breaks so I can sleep and relax?
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