TLDR Girlfriend told me she was sexually assaulted by her older brother and has no interest in reporting it or telling her family.
For the last 2 months I (27M) have been dating a really kind and sweet girl (26F). Even though it hasn’t been very long, I feel like we’re developing a really strong connection. The other night she confided in me that about a year ago she was sexually abused by her older brother (27M). I was caught off guard by this and wasn’t sure how to react. I just hugged her and told her I’d be there for her.
As someone with a younger sister, hearing this sickened me to my core. How could someone do that to their sister? She didn’t didn’t go into details about the abuse or if it had happened multiple times. It was extremely difficult for her to tell me and she broke down into tears almost immediately. What I found the most shocking is that she never reported it, nor told her parents or any other family members. The only people who know are me and a couple of her close friends. She said that he apologized and they’re trying to move on from it. She hasn’t cut him from her life and says she forgives him, even though this event has caused her a tremendous amount of depression and she still thinks about it constantly.
Hearing this made me both sad and angry at the same time. I feel horrible she went through this and want to be there for her. At the same time, I’m also angry and disgusted her brother would do something like this. In my opinion, she should tell her parents and report it to the police. With that said, I’m aware that this is her trauma and my opinion doesn’t really matter.
How can I help her?
Listen to her. Hold her. Support her decisions. Suggest therapy. There’s nothing more you can do.
I had the same thing happen, went on for 10 years. At the time it started I was too young to even know what was happening and eventually it felt “normal,” I even initiated some of it because I thought it was a normal thing as I trusted my brother and figured he knew best and whatnot. I never actually told anyone and eventually I realized what had happened and how bad what happened actually was. I feel deep shame for what had happened even though I know it wasn’t my fault that my brother did what he did, I also don’t want my parents to judge me or anything so I felt it was easier to never say anything, eventually my brother moved (thank god). I still talk to him occasionally but it’s very forced and I mainly do it for my mom (actually most things I do is for her when it comes to him). I never forgave him, I always thought I did but it turns out im actually still struggling with it a lot. My boyfriend actually helped me come to terms with it a lot.
Now the story of my experience is just to get to this now 😛 Im feeling your girlfriend feels overall the same as I did and maybe reacted the same way I have with my experience. I suggest just being there for her as much as possible and just be understanding! I recommend therapy as I’m sure it’ll help her a lot, especially to get her to understand what happened wasn’t good and that she most likely hasn’t forgiven him and will help her come to terms with it a bit and that she is still probably struggling with it. Overall she just needs to know you’re there for her and won’t judge her.
Encourage her to speak to a therapist about it.
Listen to her, yes. Support her. Remember that you did not see this happen. Don’t decide to go off and kill her brother. I am sorry for her experience. Try to heal.
There was a similar post where the BF beat up his GF’s abuser at her family gathering. The family disinvited him from future gatherings. That was how that OP supported his GF.
I think you should be there for her. She told you such a terrible secret, so she must trust you and feel safe with you. You should continue to make sure your GF can trust and feel safe with you. That YOU out of all the other ppl are the person she can lean on.
I wish y’all the best of luck.
Your hurt and anger come from a place of love and respect, but those are YOUR emotions and they are not necessarily important in the context you’ve provided. If your partner does not wish to take this any further (to her parents or the police) and there is no current risk towards anyone then the only thing you can do is to accept things for what they are.
Women have always had their ‘truths’ doubted by police, courts, and policy makers. We’re used to it, and we accept that there is still a long way to go before things get any better. Your partner knows that fighting against the systems of legal and family is exhausting in its own right and probably won’t lead to much unless she has undoubtable evidence. Outside of encouraging her to access mental health support systems and helping her move through it, there is currently nothing you can do legally.
For whatever it’s worth; your partner has shared something BIG. Really, really, really, REALLY big. That should tell you that she trusts you, and that you’re capable of fostering a healthy and loving relationship. Don’t break her trust in you now by pushing her to do something she isn’t ready or willing to do. Just help her be safe. That’s what she really wants.
I’d wish her the best and move on. You’re going to be regretting it down the road if you don’t
Yes like everyone is saying listen and probably encourage her to see a therapist (I’m of the belief that most people probably need therapy anyways) but don’t force her to do anything she doesn’t want to. I’ve read into it and heard a lot of stories from survivors and sometimes the process of reporting can be just as traumatizing then the actual SA so it’s understandable to not report it. However, I would not encourage her to just forgive her brother. I personally don’t think this is forgivable from anyone but especially family, but that is my opinion. I would just be afraid it would happen again. But ultimately, support her how you can
Make sure that brother to be as far as possible from you.
Suggest her a therapy. Bé supportive…
I don’t see much u Can Do.
Just be there.
She needs psychological counseling from a psychological trauma counselor asap. As a victim of such trauma, she decides what happens to him. The other thing is this: you might need to tell her that if he has done this to her, he more likely will do it to someone else.
I noticed a few problematic things with your language towards this situation this isn’t an attack this is just something to consider for when talking to victims in general language is powerful
>As someone with a younger sister, hearing this sickened me to my core. How could someone do that to their sister?
How could someone do this to another human point blank… We often hear men say “as a man with a (insert female family member) how could someone do that” or in general only empathising due to having a female in their circle.
>What I found the most shocking is that she never reported it, nor told her parents or any other family members.
I mean it’s not shocking at all many victims don’t report or tell family especially when the assaulter is another family member. I think that is the lest shocking part upsetting yes but not surprising… Its important you don’t make her feel as if her actions are the most shocking part because again the most shocking part is that this happened.
I would just say be more cautious with your language when you speak to her about it maybe read up on how to support victims.
Just be by her side don’t push her to do anything she’s uncomfortable with see where your relationship goes I will say if you guys plan on having kids in the future it’s a very important discussion to have to protect your future children and keep them away from him but if people around him start having children you need to talk to your girlfriend in regards to their safety. He may not be a creep towards children but children grow and if he has no problem assaulting his sister he obviously may not care about age.
Therapy
Let her lead the discussion. Let her know that you know how hard it was to tell you and that you are here for her whatever she needs. “If you want to talk about it any more I can be your safe space to talk about this and I won’t judge you for anything you tell me.” If she mentions needing help and only if she mentions needing help let her know you are not qualified to offer advice but you could help her find someone who is. Do not offer it up. I’m sure she already knows therapy exist.
Convince her to report it. She deserves justice!