My husband Mark and I have been married for 16 months and together for 3 years. 2 years before he was with me, he was with Amanda. Prior to me she was definitely the love of his life, they were together for 8 years and lived together. She left him and though I don’t know her side of the story at all, Mark says it’s because she wasn’t ready to settle down and didn’t want the traditional marriage and kids, and he did.
When we met he was definitely still not 100% over Amanda and I think deep down imagined they might still get back together. They didn’t maintain a friendship as far as I’m aware until our wedding. She posted congratulations on his Instagram posts of the day and they DMed back and forth about the wedding and general life stuff. Every now and again they catch up on social/text and I don’t think there’s anything inappropriate going on but it makes me a little uncomfortable.
However a couple of months back Amanda got engaged. Mark was pretty upset, he didn’t talk about it much but I wonder if it was because she’s now ready to settle down in a way she wasn’t when she was with him. He was pretty down for a couple of weeks, I didn’t push it but I did try and talk to him about it which he shut down.
Now I just found out that he has an invite to Amanda’s wedding in March. He doesn’t have a plus one, but he still really wants to go. He didn’t ask me if he could, he just told me.
I told him I felt weird about him going, especially alone and especially given how much he loved her, but he says it’s all in the past and nothing is happening so it shouldn’t matter. I get that but I feel really odd about him going to his exes wedding – I’m sure it would’ve been them getting married if she’d have been in the right place at the time. What do I do?
Edit: I’m going to talk to my husband tonight (we’re in the UK so not sure when that will be for those of you in America) and will update afterwards
UPDATE: Thanks everyone for your comments. I actually decided some of them were better than what I could say so I showed my husband this thread. He’s not going to the wedding any more! He said (as some of you articulated) that he was hoping to get closure because he felt upset by her choosing to get married to someone when she said she never would. But that he doesn’t need that closure if it’ll cost me happiness or our relationship. So yay! Thanks again
No plus one is rude AF. Maybe she’s hoping he understands it’s a courtesy invite fully expecting to say no, even encouraging him to say no.
First of all why would Amanda send a solo invite to her ex knowing he’s married. Couples are usually invited together – this seems very odd to me.
Second, I get your husband being upset about his ex getting married. I don’t see it as him pining over her per se but more that he probably thinks what was wrong with him that he spent 8 years loving someone who didn’t love him enough to want the traditional marriage but then here comes a new guy with a shorter dating period who she’s willing to marry. My self esteem would’ve taken a hit.
Third – He should’ve communicated that with you instead of bottling it. You’re in a committed relationship and should therefore be completely transparent.
Lastly, he may want to go to the wedding to get closure I suppose but not if you’re not invited. He should ask on your behalf that he get a plus 1 and take you along with him. If that doesn’t work out, give him the ultimatum and then decide what you want to do based on his reaction.
If my husband still went without me in this situation – I’d at the very least ask for a separation. I didn’t choose to be a rebound / consolation prize when I agreed to marry him.
So, I am in the midst of wedding planning myself to my SO of 8 years.
We had lengthy discussions concerning the invite list. Once upon a time, my SO had mentioned wanting to invite his ex’s parents to our wedding. I’ve met them on several occasions. They are lovely people but ultimately it came down, it’s weird to invite your ex’s parents. Where would we place them? It would be awkward to introduce them to my family/friends.
Secondly, I am still friendly with a few of my exes. The one we did decide to invite, along with his wife. They are from the area and we dated for a very short time in HS. The other ex is single, and we choose not to invite him. It felt like I would be rubbing out a wedding in an old wound.
My lengthy point is, maybe the ex has a specific reason for inviting your husband but I find it incredibly odd that you are also not invited. I would never split up married couples.
Talk to your husband, in length, about his reasons for wanting to go and how you feel about not being invited. Let him know that this invite feels like a blatant disrespect to your relationship and if he chooses to go, it will have consequences for your marriage.
I’d also sit him down and talk about this. And I’d definitely bring up his several week long moping when the engagement was announced. That feels like he was holding out hope again after they got back in touch. Have you ever seen these messages? I think I’d either check them or ask him directly to show me. And I’d want him to call her in front of me and ask if he could bring his wife. Not because you necessarily want to go with him, but to see his reaction to that question. If he objects to doing that, then I’d take that as a big red flag.
If he tries to brush you off, tell him that he is prioritizing the wrong person and if he can’t let her go, he’s gonna have to let you go since you refuse to be second choice or the one he settles for. You deserve so much better than that!
Why would she even invite him. That’s such a low blow move.
“Hey remember when we broke up because I didn’t want to get married, well now I’m doing it and expect you to be there!
If I was the husband I’d be pretty pissed and not even want to go. That’s just rubbing salt in old wounds.
Does he know other people attending?
If he is an evening guest only least she’s will already be married when he gets there x
Have you actually seen the wedding invitation and that it doesn’t have a plus one?
I’m sorry, but he’s not over her, and she knows it. Either she likes the attention or she’s not over him either. You don’t deserve to be anyone’s second choice.
She sent a married former lover a solo invite? Yeaaaaah, she knew what she was doing.
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Even if there’s nothing inappropriate in their conversations I find it strange how he finds out his ex is engaged and he’s not upset for a couple hours, or a day, or a weekend, but SEVERAL WEEKS. To me those are not the actions of a man who is over his ex. I also find it very odd that the bride is well aware he is married and offered no plus one. I’m not saying he’s going to make a grand dramatic gesture and run away with his ex, but there are a lot of yellow flags here
Why was he not granted a plus 1? You guys are married…I get keeping numbers down, but then why invite your ex at all if head count must be so low? It seems infinitely more weird to invite your ex to a wedding without his wife then say…to invite your very single friend who isn’t dating anyone…idk…that’s really strange to me personally (and I had to limit head count at my wedding a lot and still find this SO weird).
Edit to add: OP I realize you obviously have no idea the answer to my question, just saying it’s a weird thing! Best of luck to you love
NOPE!! They don’t have kids together? Theres no reason they need to be in communication. They are not friends. He’s still in love with her and even if he says he’s over her, he will not love you as much as he did her. I would leave, quickly.
No good reason for him to go
How insulting and pointed she did not give him a +1 for you. That shows she doesn’t respect his marriage but wants to flaunt her own.
Awe, I’m glad your edit says you two resolved the situation.
It’s incredibly odd for her to not have given your husband a plus one knowing he’s married. On that basis alone, I wouldn’t be comfortable with him attending as it shows you that this woman doesn’t consider you an important part of his life.
But the fact that you *husband* didn’t challenge her on it and is attending without you, regardless? That’s very concerning.
I think you need to talk to him and perhaps decide if you want to stay with someone who would cast you aside so easily like this at the whim of an ex who isn’t even available to him
Oh hell to the no.
I can’t believe that you were fine with being his second choice all these years. Absolutely insane!! He’s obviously still not over her and keeps disrespecting you and your marriage
You’re married. How can there be no plus one?? That’s sus af. Completely inappropriate.
Ask him how he’d feel if your ex bf invited you to his wedding with no plus one?
I would not consider myself a jealous partner on most occasions. I’m pretty understanding and can handle a lot. However, this would bother me, so I understand where you’re coming from.
If he was just your boyfriend, I would understand him being down on her getting engaged. But openly being upset over her engagement now that he is married and has moved on feels a tad strange to me. I’m also unsure why an engaged ex girlfriend finds it necessary to invite a married ex boyfriend to her wedding. Especially as they are not truly friends anymore, but that’s just my take. I don’t consider occasionally catching up as maintaining a friendship. Feels surface level to me. Furthering that, who doesn’t allow a married individual to bring their spouse to the wedding? Why does he even need to be there?
I would sit him down and have a chat. I’m the kind of lady who would never play second fiddle to an ex. You deserve better than that and are far more kind than me, as I would have asked why he cares so much that she’s moved on? You all have a life together. This rubs me the wrong way.
I get being a tad bothered since she didn’t want to settle down, but it’s been years and he’s with you. You should be his priority and nowhere in this post do I feel he is prioritizing you. I’d start there.
Also, no offense, but you mentioned it seemed he wasn’t over her and it felt like he thought they might eventually get back together. Then they reconnected once you all got married. Why? That’s insecurities you had prior to him making amends with her. I just feel this friendship is quite unnecessary. What are they providing one another? Why does she need him there during her big day? This is a closed chapter.
This past relationship seems to be a burden that you’ve carried since before he even proposed. It is time he lets her go or else he will lose you. Can’t hold on to “what if’s” as it’s not healthy and does nothing to serve you all and your future.
Clearly the ex is a bit of a game player from opening the convos in instagram to inviting just OP’s husband w/out a +1. In this case closure is recognizing that fact. And that means not being in contact with the ex moving forward.
“Husband, if you go to this wedding and leave me at home, the locks will be changed during your absence. It is clear to me that you still pine after this girl, even after marrying me. We made a commitment to each other, legally, and because I thought we loved and supported each other. I do not like making an ultimatum like this, but this is my hill to die on.”
If it’s all in the past then he doesn’t need to go. She’s the one that got away in his mind so him going serves no purpose except to question his marriage now. Honestly it’s odd she even invited him but didn’t give a plus one for his wife? He’s a fool if he goes.
A married couple should honor a wedding by going there together if at all possible. Of course there might be exceptions like someone’s old friend or a distant relative where one spouse feels obligated to make a cameo but the other can’t go or doesn’t want to.
That being said, no way should he go to THIS wedding without you and it was fucking punk-ass for her not to give him a plus one. Who does that?
I really don’t understand how a guy acts so weird about something like this, and has the balls to say “nothing happens, it’s just normal”. I’m too petty for that kind of stuff, OP definitely has a reason to worry, and that itself should be reason enough for this guy to say he won’t go. But since this seems to be more important for him than not making his wife uncomfortable.. I don’t know, on this time I support an ultimatum. You can’t just get use to live this way while the other person doesn’t seems to understand normal boundaries.
If she does not respect your relationship enough to +1 it, then she has no business being his friends. If he goes you go or you go to a lawyer to file. It’s clear he truely isn’t over her if he is willing to ignore how you feel and think this is ok. What a shit husband. At the very least if they are good enough friend he feels compelled to attend than he should have the guts to call her and ask about the +1.
I understand if going is not your main desire, but it may be the compromise you can reach.
I think people on Reddit are very quick to tell posters that they should break up or get divorced. Although there definitely is an issue here, I don’t think this is the hill to die on.
It seems clear that he is not over his ex, and that she has always been the one who got away and that he imagined spending his life with. However, I think you knew this when you got into a relationship with him, and if you were okay with it then, then I don’t see that as a problem in itself as long as he doesn’t act on it. I also don’t think that means that he won’t get over it with time and he can still love you and want to spend his life with you. I think it comes down to whether you trust that he has chosen you, that he loves you and that you are the one who he wants to spend his life with now.
On the other hand, he has not treated you right. He was selfish when he blocked you when he was down and when he made decisions without you. Although he can’t help his feelings, he can make sure you feel safe and loved through this whole ordeal. He should prioritize your comfort and include you in his decision process. You need to know that this is just a phase and that you are still the one he chooses. He needs to know that this has affected you and that if he doesn’t start being smart and sensitive to your needs, that your relationship and trust will take a hit. He needs to be ready to rebuild the trust he has broken here.
Here’s the thing: he hasn’t totally come to terms with the failure of their relationship. Perhaps attending her wedding will, he thinks, give him “closure”.
Were I in your place, I’d make him realize that she gave him closure years ago, when she broke up the relationship, and that you’re absolutely not sanguine with him attending the wedding without you. It’s important that you set boundaries that will be respected. Insist he ask her for an invite +1, and that if that isn’t done, you insist that he RSVP with “non”.
I wish you well.
Me reading the title “What is wrong with that? this woman is insecure AF”.
Me after reading the whole thing “Hell NO! This cannot be”.
I would feel so uncomfortable with this situation, honestly I can’t fathom why this wasn’t a conversation. This whole thing is wrong, you need to understand where is his headspace.
amanda seems like a little snake sending an invite without a plus one. sounds like she’s got all the power in their relationship. she has him wrapped around her finger and she knows it
The only reason to go B is:
1) all her ex’s are B invited
2) there’s a free bar.
3) a free bar
Not sure why she didn’t invite you, as his WIFE, to the wedding. She sounds like a POS and is looking to stir up trouble. Glad he woke up and isn’t going.
The groom shouldn’t want him there either. A good rule for inviting guests is: Nobody you’ve ever fucked.
There really shouldn’t be anyone there that can day, I fucked him/her, or both.
Glad to hear he’s not going. He should block her as well since they have nothing more to talk about.
I’ll play Devils Advocate here.
Hubby being upset at his ex’s engagement makes sense. He was rejected by her because she was not willing to marry and settle down. This was how he rationalized her rejection. Then it turned out that she was not willing to marry and settle down with HIM. Of course this would hurt, and he would feel rejected all over again. This was someone who knew him for 8 years, so, yeah, it would feel pretty personal. I don’t think he should be chastised for these perfectly natural feelings.
Him going to the wedding may not be a good idea, but the one positive thing it would do is give him closure. Personally, I don’t think he should go, as it’s more likely he will just end up more hurt. Much more potential downside than upside. And I also think the way he handled it with you was insensitive at best, shitty at worst.
Update us after the discussion
Yeah no, I’m nobody’s rebound and definitely not second-best. If he’s that hellbent on going alone I’d ask for a separation to reevaluate whether I want to be with someone who clearly sees me as a consolation prize.
I’d just straight up tell him how you feel. I don’t understand the rationale here. I sure wouldn’t want to go to the wedding of someone who dumped me, and I certainly wouldn’t do it without my wife at my side.
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