I know it’s non of my business what he does, and it’s his life. But I have so much anger and resentment towards her and now him. I understand people people make mistakes, but this just seems like it’s something completely unforgivable (at least to my standards). He is my friend and I care deeply for him and I would hate to see his heart chattered again. I have never seen a man cry the way he did and it just pisses me off so bad that someone would do this to him and how someone is capable of lying and doing it behind his back. Here’s some back story.
They been married for 4 years and together for 8. He is the most faithful and loving dude ever and would honestly take a bullet for anyone. His girlfriend was caught receiving texts from some guy from work. She deleted them and denied anything happened. However, she was caught in the lie after the text messages were brought back( apparently u can read deleted text messages on iPhone) and admitted to my friend that she cheated on him 4 months ago. She was exchanging naked pictures with this guy btw so god only knows how long they actually been fucking and sending stuff to each other. He wants to forgive her because he feels like she is really sorry and that she has been completely honest about the affair. He claims he can tell if she is lying etc. When I say that he forgives her, he isn’t really forgiving her. He is pretending like he is going to leave the relationship and wants to see how much she truly cares and how much effort she is willing to put to save the relationship. He says he is not giving her hints as in what he is going to do and that he feels like he is in control of her. In others words, he is playing some twisted mind game in an attempt to feel empowered and in control of her which I find completely unhealthy if that makes any sense (obviously not physically abusive or anything like that). He is basically being a complete distant asshole (I mean who wouldn’t) and if she passes the (and I quote) “test”, she is forgiven.
My question is, should I just stay out of it and stop giving advice? Is there anything I could even say to bring some sense into his head? Please don’t get me wrong, I completely respect his decisions, and I’m quite aware that it’s non of my business what he does. I guess I’m just trying to figure out how to cope and remove this anger. Mostly because I don’t understand how someone can allow themselves to be walked all over by someone else. What are your thoughts on the situation. What’s the best approach?
Stay out of it. If they get back together and you advocated against it talking badly about her, you might very well lose a friend. He will be ashamed knowing your opinion on her and will distance himself from you. Not to mention if he tells her that you trash talked her, then your friendship will not just putter out, it will go down in flames. Keep your council to your self and just be there for him when the shit eventually (and unavoidably) hits the fan again. Once a cheater always a cheater.
A single, calm conversation (not a rant) expressing your concerns would be appropriate as a friend.
After that, if you still feel anger, give yourself some space from them.
Op I have been in your situation and you need to step back.
Don’t try to isolate the wife because if he forgives her you’re history.
Also he is not going to confide in you if all he gets is an angry rant.
I absolutely get it, I know it’s hard but tell him your concerns and try to be there for him.
And I never understood forgiving cheaters either.
If you come at this mad, he’ll just brush you off on account of your anger. If your rational about it, while laying out the facts, and call out his rugsweeping then it might work. Even better, provide him resources on infidelity and reconciliation, so he’s able to come to this conclusion on his own. There’s plenty of subs, such as r/asoneafterinfidelity or r/survivinginfidelity that may help.
Don’t get in between to people who are destined to destroy each other. Bad idea.
Sometimes even though you’re right, it’s gonna take the other person a few years to get to that same realization
Not your clowns, not your circus. Don’t be emotionally invested in helping people who won’t help themselves. Have a candid conversation with him and then remove yourself from the situation entirely.
Stay out of…it’s a marriage not a group project. You have NO idea what goes on behind close doors.
This isn’t about what you want. It’s about what he wants. Advise him that playing games will not fix his marriage and will only cause more problems. Marriage counseling is his best chance at saving his marriage. Be there to support him but it’s his choice and you have to accept that.
He is your best friend be honest and tell him
Read your first sentence again. Repeat til it actually sinks into your brain.
She’s for the streets sir. She’s was willing to throw her relationship away that had been going on for yearsssssssss. For some dumbass at work.
“He wants to forgive her because he feels like she is really sorry and that she has been completely honest about the affair.”
She isn’t, she is sorry for being caught.. And no, she probably hasn’t been honest about the affair either.
“He claims he can tell if she is lying etc.”
You laughed at him here, right? I’m sorry, but it’s just such a joke to me when people who have been cheated on claim that the can tell when their SO is lying, because that superpower must have suddenly appeared.
It sounds like this friend of yours just wants the pain, at this point, you can only really hope that he is a giant masochist.
Neither of them sound emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship. It needs to end for everyone’s sakes.
He’s your friend and deserves your honesty, even if hurtful. It is your business since its your friend and as a friend you have a duty of care for their wellbeing, this shit obviously rubs off on and effects you to. If it was my friend, I’d tell him exactly what you’ve said here and that if he does decide to get back with her that its his decision, 1 you don’t like and dont have to like. If/when it fucks up and things go down the drain again, you wont coddle him.
That being said, create some distance from the situation.
Try to stay on the outside but keep tabs on him. Hopefully when he pulls away she goes to the affair partner so they actually split up. Cheaters are some of the worst people alive so hopefully he will realize she isn’t worth keeping around.
I voiced my concerns and my other friends took the passive “Well if he’s happy approach.” Years later the same thing happened, he claimed they were gonna get a divorce. Then a year went by and they have a kid. It’s all one big ticking time bomb. I guess do whatever makes your conscience feels better but don’t expect anything significant.
There is not much you can do other than encourage counseling instead of playing mind games and then distancing yourself.
You just have to stay out of this, the only thing you should do, right now as his best friend, is to stay there for it to fall apart, or if they’re lucky, for it not to, but giving advice when he’s not asking for it will just build resentment.
If you feel like you have to tell him, do it once, and then don’t bring it up again, but anything beyond that won’t help anyone.
I think you should have a calm conversation where you explain your point after that stop talking about it. The people going “it’s none of your business” make no sense to me it’s also none of my business if your friend jumps off a cliff but you’re a bad friend if you’d sit back while he does
Just be there to try and help him pick up the pieces that will be him when it’s over. Your his best friend. It’s hard to sit by and watch. He has to decide to kick her ass to the curb. No one else can.
Stay all the way out of it. What could you possibly gain from trying to insert yourself into their issues?
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Make sure you’re there when he needs you most or if he changes hr
is mind. Your job as a friend is to support him and help him feel good. Wait until he can work it out with his wife or get a divorce. Whatever his decision is, stay by his side
You’re right. It isn’t any of your business.
You sit him down and you say “sometimes people do fucked up things to us. Twisted things that trigger a darkness deep inside us. From there we have two choices, separate from the person who caused the darkness, and allow space for light and healing, or embrace the darkness, entering a cycle of fucked up abusive and manipulative behavior which can end with someone seriously hurt or even dead. Right now dude, you’re embracing darkness and I cannot go down this path with you. Reach out to me when you’re ready to move on.”
You could issue an ultimatum for his own good. Cheaters don’t stop. Tell him you’re done as his friend.
Only a real friend is willing to make a hard decision.
>I know it’s non of my business what he does, and it’s his life.
Stopped reading after this. You just answered your own question. I love this kind of crap, OP, because it means I don’t need to do anything because it’s clear you already know exactly what to do.
Tell him something like, “Kevin, everyone knows your girlfriend is a slag and she belongs to the streets. You’re the only one who really likes her. But you have a right to make whatever decisions you want to make even if they later turn out to be mistakes, I don’t know the whole situation. Believing somone isn’t a crime. You’re a tough dude and you can handle whatever shit life throws at you. I just don’t enjoy seeing you get rolled, that’s all. So here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to grab a couple of beers, sit back, and watch this dumpster fire slowly burn itself down, and enjoy the show. Then if and when things implode for a second time, I’ll be right here to support you as a friend, because you’re my bro. I’m only going to judge you slightly because if shit hits the fan a second time, don’t say I didn’t tell you so. But Im not judging you.