My bf doesn’t want me using a vibrator during intercourse.

1. Maybe explain to him that a penetration orgasm and an orgasm through clitoral stimulation feel different, and that sometimes, you want to experience both in the same “session”.

2. He feels inadequate when you bring out the toys because he wants to be able to take care of all your needs without help. Explain to him your side you still love and enjoy and it’s important to have that intimacy and that he is the one you’re with. Just having this extra tool can enhance that immensely. You’d rather a nail gun to a hammer that doesn’t mean the person using that tool is any less or more adequate

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4. It’s important for him to care more about your pleasure than his ability to pleasure you without toys. People use lube to make sex feel better, why shouldn’t we use toys?

   I dated a guy for 2 years who was insecure about toys, he had me CONVINCED that all men were like this. Those 2 years were the worst in terms of my sex life. I distinctly remember having zero orgasms outside of masturbating when he wasn’t home (because I also wasn’t allowed to do that without making him insecure). And before anyone asks why I didn’t tell him what I like, I did, and whenever I did he silently punished me by refusing to have sex for weeks. I also had to fake every time because if I refused to fake and admitted I didn’t come, same “punishment” would happen.

   Fast forward to meeting my partner of 7 years. When he found out I had a toy he was the one who asked to use it on me. If he spots I’m having trouble getting off, he’s the one to suggest using it as well. He also thinks its very hot when I play with myself.

   The difference here is my ex cared more about his fragile ego around whether he could pleasure me with zero effort. My partner now cares deeply about my pleasure and literally makes a point not to cum before me (unless he thinks it’ll help because I do love a good money shot).

5. Somehow politely you got to let him know that you love him and it’s in his mutual best interest to pleasure you because you are going to reciprocate and this is something you really, really want!

6. The thing is, it sounds like you have to make yourself cum. So what is the difference between using your fingers or the vibrator? Ask him that? Ask him if he really wants to be solely responsible for each of your orgasms while you are together in bed. Let him try. Vocalize each time you need more stimulation. Do not drop it or let an orgasm go. Stop things if you are not close and he is and ask him what the plan is. See how long before he realizes the vibratory can be a really good friend and ally to him.

7. Oh yeah seems like you planted a seed, unfortunately it’s poison ivy.. Now it’s time to dig up the roots. It’s exhausting but you can get rid of his insecurities about it with giving him information, you do enjoy toys so make it clear it is an addition not a replacement! Offer to let him play with it on you first maybe, or take it slow and tellhim about how it can please both of you.. Hm I don’t have anymore suggestions other than being as open as possible about this and also validate his feelings, his viewpoint because it’s coming from somewhere. I hope you find a way!

8. I’m going to assume, for the sake of an analogy, that you give him blowjobs, enjoy doing so, and let him cum in your mouth.

   How would you feel if, while you were going down on him, he simultaneously started jerking off? I don’t mean that as a challenge, it’s a genuine question. What if his rationale was that it feels even better when he cums from both at once?

   You might be perfectly ok with that. But you might not be. Either view could be reasonable. And if you weren’t ok with it – well, that’s basically where your boyfriend lands.

9. What a shame that he can’t prioritize your pleasure and satisfaction over his own ego and insecurities. Speaking for myself, I would find my partner using a vibrator during sex to be very exciting, and beneficial to us both. You’ve probably done so already, but you could let him know that using a vibrator is to enhance an already great experience, and that it pushes the experience with him to new heights. Something that reassures him he’s the one helping you reach an orgasm, but the vibrator just makes it more intense. Have you tried incorporating, dirty talk when you’re using the vibrator too let him know how much he turns you on? I am suggesting a bit of a psychological game here, where are you give him a boost, while giving yourself a boost, so to speak. In any case, I hope he comes around.

10. I’m guessing you guys are relatively young? I introduced my ex-gf to more toys and places to put them than she ever admitted experience with. No, we didn’t need need them, but when she actually requested one it turned me on.

    I think your situation is fixable but as an older guy who spent too many years in an unsatisfying and frustrating sexual relationship, don’t let it happen to you. If something sexual is important to you and your needs aren’t being met then it’s not selfish and it’s not superficial.

    Good luck!

11. So what men have insecurities AND women don’t? Puh leese!

12. I am pro toys in the bedroom. But i can understabd him. Flip the Script and try to understand him. He told you, you give the best blowjobs he ever had but for some reason he now wants to use the automatic fleshlight 3000 gigasuck Model 3 because he will have a big better orgasm. This sub would destroy this man but in your case he is a insecure little man whining.

    Maybe buy some toys for him first and then open up the talk for a more fun experience for both of you.

13. Society can sometimes inadvertently teach men that their worth as a man is tied to their ability to please their partner. He’s feeling inadequate and like he’s not satisfying you. It’s not a healthy mindset, but I’m just trying to provide some insight on the reasoning behind this insecurity.

    I know you’ve already tried to reassure him, but insecurities are not rational. Think about an insecurity you have or have had in your life. Think about when people tried to offer you reassurance. You probably didn’t believe them, right? It will be tough, but try your best to be understanding and compassionate towards your boyfriend to help him overcome this obstacle. Helping him feel heard and understood is the first step. It will take some time, but his mindset can change with your support.

    My advice would be to buy him a male sex toy and suggest using it with him during sex. It might help him realize that sex toys are not replacing him or competing with him, but they’re just a tool that can be used to enhance your sex life together.

    Hope this perspective is helpful. Good luck!

14. It makes sense he’d feel threatened, I mean, toys do things that people simply can’t. Still, your pleasure matters too and if that enhances your experience he should want you to feel the best you can.
    When this same thing happened in my relationship, I found it to be most helpful to make my BF know his feelings were valid, but that I also deserve to have fun. Better yet, offer for him to use the toy on you.

15. As a dude, I have no issues with toys or vibrators. He just may not be aware that not all women can have an orgasm or not as good of one without this. This doesn’t mean he is doing anything wrong. It just means it’s better for you which if he truly understands, he would support.

16. If this helps your bf: toys are allies, not enemies. Get him one as well!

17. idk man, as a women who enjoys vibrators i would be kind of hurt if my partner wanted to use a butt plug or pocket pussy every time we had sex. I think it really depends on how you go about it? have you guys always used toys in the bedroom or are you just recently starting to? What kind of energy are you showing him when you do bring it out? how often do you guys have sex without it?

18. Talk to him. Maybe:

    Hey BF – I wanted to bring up something that has been on my mind around our sex life. When we first started having sex, I told you that you were the first man who gave me a mindblowing orgasm without me even needing a vibrator. You were the first where that was the case and, to be honest, sex with you is absolutely amazing. I’ve been thinking about how I can even have an even more intense orgasm if I try using the vibrator during sex. It’s like a cherry on the sundae of our sex life. I want to be sensitive that it might make you insecure, but I want to assure you that me using my toy is only to enhance something that is already so amazing. What are your thoughts on that?

    I dunno. I always think being honest and calling out the monkey in the room is constructive if you two have that kind of relationship.

19. Your bf is wrong. Use a new bf and a vibrator

20. reading all these comments, when did sex stop being about mutual pleasure?

    yeah, he sounds a bit insecure, but maybe he’s just not into it? like yeah no need to get mad about it but i have no idea why everyone’s saying he should not feel good just so OP can

21. he should be the one holding the vibrator for you to fill your needs tbh not bitch and cry about it

22. He sounds insecure

23. Nobody gets to dictate how YOU pleasure yourself. This is not about his ego. It is about your pleasure and he should be caring more about your pleasure than his ego and if he doesn’t, he is a selfish asshole and is very immature. I don’t recommend telling him that bluntly but I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship so I don’t know the best way for you to explain that to him but that’s the gist of it.

    Here is an article and 2 research studies with actual facts to support that what you are saying is in fact true and that this vibratir thing has nothing to do with him. I recommend that you read the article together and share the research studies with him. Sexual compatibility matters and you will come to resent him eventually if you cannot resolve this soon and it will seriously impact your relationship.

    [Article ](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/lifestyle/orgasm-gap-why-it-exists-what-women-can-do-about-ncna983311)

    [Study #1](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/27667356/#:~:text=Women%20who%20reported%20primarily%20stimulating,reported%20orgasms%20primarily%20from%20vaginal)

    [Study #2](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5084726/)

24. As a male, I’d like to comment…In the AskMen forum, most of the time whenever a man makes a statement that something in there sex life is bothering his GF the male is generally told “then stop doing xyz and listen to her she has a voice and opinion so respect that.”

    It seems when the script is flipped (like this situation) when something in their sex life is bothering the BF, the woman is comforted, encouraged to convince him otherwise, and told that the BF has fragile masculinity.

    Men and women in relationships both have a voice that deserve respect on their opinions.

25. I would say that you were right when you made a mistake by initially telling him that he was so good you didn’t need the vibrator and now you do which is why he feels insecure but Guys aren’t allowed to feel insecure. Just read the comments below. If something makes him uncomfortable or unhappy you should dump him because his feelings don’t matter.

26. As a dude, I would also feel a little bit of an ego hit. However, I do want my gf to enjoy herself and she wants me to enjoy myself. Anytime we have sex we are super open about what we want and want to please each other.

    My advice: If you want to continue with the vibrator, see if there is anything you can do for him whether that’s sucking his dick in a new way or a new position, idk. But maybe thinking about something he wants also could help.

27. We need someone to do some research. Just once a guy needs to fuck a woman then right before he nuts pull out and finish in a fleshlight. Then simply shrug and say “it feels better this way” bet that would go over like a lead balloon.

28. He’s insecure.

    Imagine he says, *”Hey, I love the way sex with you feels, but I think I can have a more intense orgasm if I use a fleshlight.”*

    You’d feel insecure, too.

    There’s nothing wrong with wanting to use the vibrator (or fleshlight), but like with all things in sex, it’s a negotiation best handled with patience, gentleness, and understanding.

    A suggestion is that you have him use the vibrator on you in a non-penetrative sex situation. Say straight up you want a selfish session where he’s just entirely focused on you and there is no penetration/penis involvement. And then you can “trade” and have a session entirely focused on him. (Maybe start with the session just for him and your session is the second one?)

29. Tell him he’s not allowed to think of someone else/fantasize/watch porn or masturbate ever again because it’ll make you feel inadequate….

30. Honestly stuff like this is a bit of a dealbreaker for me. Getting angry about you wanting to enjoy sex because it doesn’t bolster his ego is a major turnoff for me because it indicates and insecure, selfish personality. If he gets this way over a sex you 1 yr in, it makes me apprehensive about potential future behavior.

    Edit: I want to emphasize if it were just hurt feelings I would feel differently. The fact that he becomes angry is the red flag for me

31. To be fair if you’re the one stimulating yourself then he’s not the one causing the orgasm in the first place. You’re doing the work in that regard. If he wants to be the one to cause that, he should be doing the job with his own hand. Tell him you enjoy sex with him, but a vibrator will heighten the experience for you as your hand gets tired and causes you to lose focus on enjoying the moment with him.

32. Insecure men hate vibrators. My man will pull it out before me lmaooo, he enjoys working the vibrator for me most times. You should just tell him it has nothing to do with him or his skills and that it just adds more pleasure on top of the pleasure he’s giving you. It’s a nice way to spice things up in the bedroom. If he can’t deal with you using a vibrator, it may be time to find a guy who isn’t insecure over a damn sex toy.

33. He’s an idiot- get a new
    Boyfriend.

34. Man, I’ll never understand these guys. I use toys with my wife all the time and it’s great. We recently got that little rose vibrator thing and it’s amazing. I mean the whole point of sex is mutual satisfaction and intimacy, I could give 2 shits how she gets off, it only matters that she’s getting off. Plus I’m under no illusions that I can do what that vibrator does I mean it’s pulsing like 1000 times a second. My stuff can’t do that, what’s to be insecure about?

35. What an idiot. A lot of guys would like that.

36. Lose the man child. Keep the vibrator. Find a man who knows that sometimes a girl needs a bit more help to climax.

    Problem solved. 🙂

37. This is a little bit of a complicated situation but let’s just keep it simple; do you need the vibrator to orgasm?

38. You can get to where you’re going by walking in the airport, but why the hell not use the moving walkway? If he had a toy that improved his orgasms, you had better bet he would be using it every. single. time.

39. Another dude who thinks female pleasure revolves around him ugh I’m sorry you have to deal with this bs

40. Hand the vibrator to him, tell him where you want him to put it. Then gently guide his hand to the place. Tell him his cock is amazing, you just want to add another fun thing to the mix. Tell him you want him to watch you cum from him doing it.

41. Gosh men and their hurt ego. I mean one of the benefits of having a small dick off the rip is that I’m willing to accommodate my partner in anyway and toys and oral are a huge part of that. Breaks some mens heart finding out that sometimes a girl might want a little more. It’s all ego

42. Sounds like he’s insecure about his performance. I’ve personally been there, only at a younger age (21). My partner at the time comforted my insecurity, told me I was great, and later that evening I ended up with a vibrator on my balls during oral. That definitely changed my view on it altogether. He’s seeing the toy to a substitute for himself, and not so much as an enhancer to his own abilities. You could show him an enhanced experience to your own abilities and prove a point, or just sit down and explain that to him. Just because you want to use a toy doesn’t mean you NEED a toy to be satisfied. It’s like adding some caramel/chocolate drizzle to already delicious ice cream. Besides, sex can get stale without spicing it up every now and then.

43. My wife and I have 4 toys. One exclusively for her, a vibrator designed for women. One for us, a vibrating ring I wear for penetration. Another one for us, a curved rod that can be used directly on the girl, or inserted either vaginally, or anally. Another toy is designed exclusively for men, a masturbation sleeve.

    We don’t use them all the time. Sometimes she watches me, and even helps me use them. Sometimes, I watch and help her. My wife described it best. She said, the toys add, and enhance our sex. The toys provide a great Orgasm, but they are no replacement for the human contact of a loved one. My wife also told me she will sometimes use a vibrator after a great round of sex because it can take the edge off.

    It time to introduce your vibrator to you boyfriend. Let him hold it. Let him feel, and handle it. Let him turn it on. Show your boyfriend how to use your vibrator on you. Show him what you like stimulated and how. If you are in the US look a Target or CVS or online for a brand called PlusOne And buy him a toy for Christmas.

44. If you don’t talk about it…is this forever? You should be able to talk about it. You deserve fireworks.

45. I don’t get it, I love when my wife uses one. The vibrations make it Better for both of us!

46. He’s an idiot

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