Me and my bf have been dating for 3 years. We have our ups and downs but one thing he is NOT is controlling or jealous. My ex would always accuse me of cheating whenever I went out with my friends. My bf never does this.
Then since Halloween he keeps sending memes about how all girls cheat on Halloween. And any time I don’t pick up his call quick enough (if he knows I’m free) he texts saying “definitely cheating”. I know it’s a joke but it’s kinda made me think maybe he’s either getting insecure like my ex OR he is cheating?! Or maybe neither and it’s a genuine joke?!
Then, today I told him how I’m gonna find it hard cos I recently got a 9-5 to find time for him (cos he’s still at uni) so we will be on very different schedules. And he immediately said “do you want to break up?”
Idk maybe I’m over reading should I try and ask him what’s going on?
He’s probably feeling insecure because you have a job, he’s still in school, and things are changing.
You’ve been together a long time…ask him.
There’s a possibility that your boyfriend is feeling insecure in the relationship and is testing your loyalty to him. Alternatively, he could simply be making jokes in poor taste. If you’re not comfortable with the way he’s communicating with you, it might be time to have a serious discussion with him about your relationship.
idk if im wrong and i most definitely do not want to mislead you, but i dont think he’s been cheating on you. seems like he has an issue with his insecurity and he was “triggered” by someone. my immediate thought was someone close to him (like his best friend or mom) telling him that he’s not good enough for you might have affected him that way. you guys need to have an honest conversation about it.
Yeah, I’d ask why the sudden change in tone and bring up your examples.
He’s probably feeling a little insecure and wants you to protest and proclaim your love. Sit him down and tell him he has nothing to worry about unless he wants to break up because you have no intention of cheating or leaving. Tease him a bit and say “better speak up now or you’re stuck with me forever.” See what his reaction to that is.
Please don’t jump straight to “he must be cheating and projecting”. There’s no proof of that. Tell him how much these memes and comments hurt you. Reassure him this relationship is what you want. Timing might be tough but make time for him a priority. And he should do the same. There will be nights where your feeling a bit tired, or he might have nights where he isn’t on top of his game. These are important nights to be there for each other. If three years is worth continuing, make sure he knows you feel that way and go for it.
I’d imagine insecurity, particularly if he is aware your previous boyfriend accused you constantly. Maybe it’s because both guys have picked up on you showing a comfort around guys in general that seems unnatural for someone who already has a boyfriend.
He’s either feeling insecure about the relationship, or he could’ve possibly cheated and is trying various methods to break up with you.
Honestly, it feels like insecurity mostly. And then, when he’s feeling insecure, you mentioning making it harder to find time for him, and that makes him panic a bit, hence the breakup question.
Now the reason for insecurity? Who knows. There’s also the chance that he’s a redditer, and sees all the stories (real and fake) about girls cheating, and it got in his head.
I don’t think you should jump to “he’s projecting” or “accusing you because he’s actually cheating”. I think insecurity is the more common source of those. But either way, you need to ask him about all this.
It would make me very uncomfortable if my partner acted the way your bf does. In my opinion, that is just not something to joke about in a serious relationship. You may want to let him know how his immature behavior is making you feel, because it may not be long before you feel like you’re walking on eggshells just trying to get through your daily routine.
I get the vibes that he is insecure but don’t wanna show it. Maybe hiding it in attempts to make them seem like a joke?
A jab to his ego maybe?
But still if you talked to him and his first thinking is breaking up, you should confront it with respect.
Maybe some reassuring can help him not acting out like this, so it won’t come to passive aggressive tendencies?
He doesn’t have the right to come with these jabs just because he is going through something within himself and “jokes” so you will feel bad and uncomfortable.
Next time he does it, don’t laugh or deflect. Instead, look at him with a serious face and say nothing for a few seconds so that it feels awkward. Then, say “has something happened recently to make you feel insecure in our relationship, or are you trying to tell me that you’ve cheated?” and the wait.
Sounds like a classic guilty conscience to me. Next time he “jokes” around, playfully say to him “okay, who is she?” and watch his reaction. If he gets agitated and flips the conversation to blaming you and making accusations about a thousand random things pulled out of thin air in rapid succession you’ll have your answer. OR he’ll get nervous and awkward and take a long second to answer. These types of “jokes” don’t begin for no reason.
10000% projecting insecurities. He’s fishing for details.
Probably insecurity. I have no advice other than talk with him and ask him if he is afraid you gonna cheat on him.
Hi,
I have just read this trail in one go and one thing leaps straight off the page and for me it is an ‘ Eureka’ moment.
Halloween was a few days ago, you say you ‘met up’ with an ex “cos he moved nearby”. Well my dear, can you not see what he might be thinking, chill or not. Do you realise how weak your excuse for meeting up with an ex really is, “cos he moved nearby’, really, how did you ‘meet up’? You must have bumped into him, chatted to him etc, did you go for a drink, grab a bite to eat or even agree to meet up again? He may have laughed it off or it may not have registered on his radar, but if it was before Halloween and you were not with your boyfriend Halloween Night, then he is probably wondering if you met up with your ex. Have you any idea the number of partners who cheat with an ex? It is the one of the most significant percentages. It might be playing on his mind as he is going through a tough time and this is his way of trying to find out.
Only you know what you feel about meeting up with your ex, he could be over-thinking as you were when you friend sowed a similar seed in your head, look how you reacted and you were clearly in a good headspace before his ‘jokes’.
What to do? Don’t mention the ex, defo don’t see him again and reassure your boyfriend that the this guy is no threat, in as subtle a way as you can, that will be the tricky bit.
I wish you good fortune because it really looks like you care for this guy and he just needs a gentle navigation through these tricky waters of self doubt.
Wishing you the best.
Hi OP,
Apologies if you took exception to my post, you rather came out of the block’s, fists swinging; not my intention at all, maybe ‘my dear’ was inappropriate, I was trying to be worldly-wise and not patronising, sorry about that. I am exactly that though, worldly-wise, and having ten grown children, five of each, not much I haven’t dealt with, almost firsthand. This forum can only offer advice or opinions on what is written, seems to me that a lot was missing about this Tinder Guy, (let’s call him TG), you wrote, “*The other day I met up with this guy I used to date*”, that is not the same as “*I went on two dates*” Someone you **dated** becomes an ‘ex’ when it is over: someone you ‘met up’ with, ‘hung out’ with or ‘hooked up’ with, TWICE, is not **dating**…. So you need to be clearer if you want informed advice. So you contacted TG when you learned he was back in your country. Your reply paints a completely different landscape from your original post. Something does not add up when you really look at your whole reply and I totally get where your boyfriend is coming from following the detail you are now releasing. I think that a pause is required while you reread the original post, my post and your reply to my post, it might make things a bit clearer to see where I am coming from. I am taking the male perspective, so please understand that.
We have established beyond doubt that your boyfriend is not in the greatest head-space & may be doubting his ‘self-worth’ at the moment and he is acting out of character. On how many levels? I think not just in the humorous jokes, (not), I think it is much deeper than that, as both you and many ‘Reddit Posters’, (RP’s), have noted too.
**So, Your Actions:**
You met up with TG twice, he moved on and you met your current boyfriend, (BF), all three years ago. You joked about TG with your BF and tell him that he is no threat, tell him that he does not need to be worried and you give the reasons why the relationship didn’t work out. Three years later, you learn TG is back in the country and nearby, so you contact him, obviously speak and arrange a meeting for lunch, (this could be a **date** by your reasoning in your posting). Can you really not see this picture? ….
Here is your action that is missing, and what I believe is the catalyst for your whole post, I note that it has been skirted around by most RP’s and you have avoided answering the direct question. Where were you on Halloween? You clearly weren’t with your BF and he thinks you were out, (maybe with someone else), hence the ‘cheating jokes’, which is the centre-point of his ‘character change’, which is getting to you.
So I will ask, where were you on Halloween and with whom? I must say that most couples are together that night but there could be a host of reasons why not, but it is one of the stand-out ‘**date night’s**’ of the year.
If you are a regular reader of other Reddit Sites, an outsider could see a couple of Red Flags in your behaviour, which is typical of Wayward Partners, I am ABSOLUTELY NOT SAYING that you have cheated or done anything untoward, please don’t think that, but I am trying to understand why BF might think so and you have flown a couple due to your overconfidence, see below.
**Boyfriend’s possible perspective & mindset:**
Self-worth diminished, insecurities increased and confidence knocked, maybe more than we think.
So you met your BF around the time TG found a girlfriend, so TG poses little threat, you joke about TG and reassure BF that the relationship didn’t work. TG then leaves the country and is clearly no threat to BF. Relationship with BF growing stronger, with common aims and positive progression. Fast forward three years, we know where BF’s head is; TG appears on the scene, and pretty soon you are contacting him, talking to him, and meeting him for a one-on-one lunch to ‘catch-up’, no boyfriend in attendance, who else thinks this is a bit odd bearing in mind you are at pains to tell us and your BF that they got on together and you really didn’t care for TG, you joked about him, remember?
So BF just has to suck it up, you want to meet TG one-on-one, because you think BF isn’t the jealous type, he is chill and you are ENFP. Whoa! A lot of complacency and assumptions of your ‘old BF’ in there. He is not your old comfortable BF at the moment. Inside he is a mess, that is what you cannot see.
Another influence, (I am not sure how to say this in this day and age without being cancelled, but it is defo something that could be in your BF’s reasoning), so let me phrase it like this, you kinda intimated that it could be conceived that your recent dating may have a common theme or ‘type’, so maybe the return of TG three years later might/could play upon his insecurities if he thought you might want to move on. TG may be a new improved, more mature version and may have overcome the deficiencies that prevented a relationship from working last time. These are very real fears in so many relationships on the return of someone from the past.
The guy who was in step with you on your journey to a stronger relationship, combined aims, joint decision-making, and ambitions has tripped up and is no longer next to you and you are head down wondering why he isn’t with you and kinda looking in all the wrong directions, left to right and not behind. He has another year of repeated academic struggle and almost hopelessness that he thinks he is losing you and if you don’t stop soon, he will be gone. He has to really knuckle down and make sure he gets through this year with flying colours to redeem himself, not just in his eyes but everyone else’s, as he sees it, and the fight to keep you happy alongside him might be too much for him. He probably thinks that he is not worthy of you and thinks that anybody else would be a better fit for you and if he doesn’t get his act together, he might find himself in a worse place next year. His role as your equal and ‘better half’ might not be fulfilled and he doesn’t want to be a drag on your ambitions and journey. Just know that accusing your partner of being unfaithful long enough is a surefire way of suffocating any relationship. He loves you and can’t break up with you, it is too hard, so he hopes you will do it for him. Just stand firm.
This lovely guy of yours is going to need some solid support with your relationship and helping him next year to knuckle down to get back on his career path and reassuring him that this is just a little stumble in your life together. He wants you to be proud of him, as he is with you, and get back in step.
As a couple of RP’s have almost said, I think he loves you dearly and would rather sacrifice himself than disappoint you or even have you fall out of love with him due to his perceived failure, (in his head). You really need to reassure him that you want to stay together and rethink your confidence in how chilled and relaxed he is with your outgoing confidence in being a people person. You need to dig deep into your ENFP strengths and deal with what is important and ignore the superfluous.
Good Luck
He’s prepping you up. So when he cheats he could gaslight you how you made him feel insecure and/or unwanted. He will blame the entire thing on you.
>And any time I don’t pick up his call quick enough (if he knows I’m free) he texts saying “definitely cheating”.
That’s hilarious.
What did you do for Halloween?
Talk to him and tell him this is not cool and if he keeps doing it I’d break up. He seems immature. Maybe after you talk he will stop hard to say but he’s either insecure or a hypocrite
Firstly, I don’t think he is only joking. Having cheating as a continuous joking topic is imo nearly always tied to.. something. I don’t think that he is projecting because he cheated. I can imagine that he feels currently insecure, likely due to a number of reasons. However, he may also be suspicious of your loyalty/ of you cheating. This is likely not even grounded in reliable information but probably just tangential, small “things” which are then exaggerated due to his likely insecurity.
My recommendations:
1. Source/ contributors of insecurity: I recommend finding out what he is insecure about (don’t use the word “insecure”, it is usually triggering if – as a man – you are suspected by your SO to be insecure). And, if possible, help him improve on that or relativising it aka giving him a new perspective in which that issue is not a big or uncommon thing. Maybe start habits with him that improve his and your self esteem and health, such as fitness, balanced eating and sleeping.
//
2. Source of suspicion: Tell him, that you suspect that his jokes are more than they seem on face value. Say that you want to talk about it, clear the air to make sure that everyone knows what’s really going on, in order for you guys to resolve this and any potential issue. Be understanding and make him feel comfortable sharing. Then adress the source of his suspicions, which are likely minor miscommunications that are negatively shaped by his currently negative-ish mindset.
He’s feeling insecure. My bet is one of his friends just got dumped and cheated on. You need to talk to him.
90% of this subreddit is just „yes, you should talk about this with your partner“
My ex did this. Asked for reassurance that we were good. Then broke up with me a week later.
He wants to break up
Regardless of what the issue is, he is coming from a place of insecurity and that is definitely not how he should be dealing with it. For me personally, that would be a gigantic red flag if my partner was dealing with any issue in that way.
You should definitely talk with him about it but considering how he seems to manage problems, it doesn’t sound like it will go well. That dude doesn’t reflect, try to understand, or try to work through his feelings very well it sounds like.