So me (30F) and my bf (30m) have been dating for almost 3 years now and have had a pretty healthy relationship so far. We get along, rarely fight or argue (disagreements happen, yes, but never anything super serious). He’s thoughtful, kind and over all is a really great guy and a great bf. We laugh and have good times together and overall, we mesh really well. At first, we couldn’t keep our hands off eachother and the sex was often, sometimes experimental and never boring. But lately, the sexual intimacy in our relationship has been lacking. A lot. For some context, we started dating in late 2019. The change in intimacy started around late 2020, which we just blamed on the stresses of COVID, job anxieties, financial stress and all that. We brushed it off and sorta focused on destressing. Great. Sounds like a plan.
So. We did just that and things have calmed down and over all we feel less stressed out over things, but that hasn’t helped our intimacy problem. (As an FYI, he’s currently a fulltime student and always stays busy with homework, projects, stuff going on at school, side hobbies… you name it. He’s in the air national guard and does his weekend duty once a month (drill), so overall, he’s pretty busy. But he tells me he’s happiest when he’s doing something—anything, so it works out for him. And he seems happy. My job isn’t too exciting, I work from home doing data entry but it’s not stressful so it works out for me too.)
But yeah, rewind. It’s been a year and half, going on 2 years since we last had sex… there’s been no heavy petting, oral, sensual kissing… nothing. He’s still huggy and touchy, acts like he’s still attracted to me, tells me I’m beautiful and that he loves me, but the sexual intimacy is nonexistent. We recently had a conversation about how we haven’t had sex in a long time, and I said how much I miss that intimacy between us. But any time I mention sex, he brings up the fact he has ED… but he has never gone to a doctor or wanted treatment for it. He refuses to take medications, and makes excuses for why “xyz” solution won’t work. I told him he could just try talking to his doctor, and that it probably wouldn’t take more than 1hr out of his day just to get some answers. Suggestion shot down.
He tells me “maybe in 2 years when I’m done with school, we can focus on that. Honestly, it (sex) isn’t my top priority right now.” What is that supposed to even mean. How am I supposed to feel about that answer. It’s like my needs are being ignored and he won’t even try to find a solution. I crave the sexual intimacy we once had. It’s been gone from our relationship for too long, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to be patient, understanding, supportive of his concerns, and have tried suggesting different solutions since he won’t see his doctor. I don’t know what else to do.
At this point, it’s like I’m living with a ‘best friend’ and not my actual boyfriend. I feel guilty for feeling this way. I know intimacy can be shown in many different ways, but how can someone go from being all about sex to just avoiding it all together. Any advice is welcomed… Please help.
tell him he’s gonna lose you if you two cant find a solution that works for both of you
It sounds like he is avoiding the issue by focusing on everything but that. It’s possible he is embarrassed, frustrated, sad, maybe even angry about it. As long as he ignores it, he can pretend it isn’t an issue.
Bottom line is, can you live like this another two years? Only you can answer that. They do sell things like sleeves which would not need medication. Look up ED sleeves to see if it’s an option. Otherwise they do have medications and even implants they can place to make intimacy a possibility.
A close friend went through something similar with her husband. He never ended up getting treated for his ED while they were together and to lived with it secretly for over a decade from like 25 to 35. He was totally unwilling to go to a doctor about it. It played a major part in the end of their relationship.
After their divorce, he drunkenly admitted it to another friend who finally essentially bulled him into seeing a doctor. He was fine after a single appointment and a Cialis prescription. He and I aren’t close but we went out to dinner pre-pandemic when he was in town and he said it was the biggest mistake of his life, but there’s nothing she could have done or said that would have changed his mind or gotten him to see a doctor sooner than he did.
Ummm if you haven’t had sex in two years then he is actually not even being honest with you. Sex isn’t just not a “top priority” right now, it isn’t a priority at all for him. Don’t stay for another two years just on the off chance he gets a libido again in the future. Less stress actually doesn’t really mean you’ll start having sex again. This would 100% be a deal breaker for me.
That’s unreal! I actually admire how composed you are about your post. I don’t know very many women that would put up with what you are. The question is… are you OK moving forward with this, the way it’s going?
Sounds like you’ve tried a lot. At this point you might just need to tell him that the mental health issues he has that he does nothing to improve on, is starting to affect your relationship. If people don’t want to improve or get help for their problems, then there’s not much you can do, sadly. Maybe your last chance is being blunt honest. And if that doesn’t work either, maybe that’s the end of the relationship.
It doesn’t get better in two years. If he doesn’t fix the underlying issues, then maybe it’s time to walk. Unless you want to be in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life.
Sex does not need to mean penetration. He has fingers and a mouth. If he isn’t willing to make your needs a priority then he shouldn’t be asking for monogamy from you. You don’t owe anyone celibacy and you should make sure he knows that.
Sex is an important part of life and you aren’t selfish or immoral for prioritizing it. Sex has been around longer than our social constructs and it cuts deeper. You can’t guilt, will, or otherwise contort your way into being content with someone without having your needs met. Sex will always win.
Could he be having ED ? Is it possible he is getting his sexual needs elsewhere?
Is he satisfying himself alone?
I wouldn’t sit him down and have a talk about this in a respectful manner. Tell him you acknowledge that he doesn’t want sex, but that it’s something you want with him to feel more connected again. He actually might not not be fully aware of how you feel. It’s all right for the both of you to feel the way you feel, but you’ve compromised by not pushing him to Hage sex with you, and it doesn’t sound like he’s made an effort to try and bring some of that sexual intimacy into the relationship for almost two years. I can understand that you love him to bits, but if you feel so unhappy and he won’t seek help or try to work on this with you, I suggest you end this relationship as a couple to avoid wasting more time. I’m sure you can be friends after a clean break and some time, but you need to look after your own happiness and it sounds like your unhappiness outweighs the other good things about it. Don’t let yourself suffer. Give him the opportunity to work with you on this, but be prepared to move on without him if you’re still unhappy.
My guess is he’s cheating on you.
Sex is overrated. Meant for making babies. Not for a dopamine high society has made it into
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