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My boyfriend had a vasectomy after his divorce, how do I process this?

I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (34M) for four months. We have hit it hard and feel very strongly about each other…

I am getting my IUD replaced next week and he told me this evening that he has had a Vasectomy, and was afraid to tell me before. That “he did it for the wrong reasons” and hearts change… ect….

What I really am trying to figure out is how to feel, and how to go forward. I never thought I’d be able to have children, and had mourned that part of my life already. So when I met my guy it wasn’t really a concern for me. He has kids from a previous marriage and I assumed that he wouldn’t want anymore anyways. It seemed perfect.

Last month we started talking about our future together, what that looked like, and he brought up having a baby together eventually. Suddenly having kids was an option and I celebrated in my heart… until tonight. From what research I’ve done reversal isn’t 100%, and is very expensive typically out of pocket cost.

Right now I feel like I was baited. I can’t be sure what he wants truly in his heart, he got the Vasectomy for a reason, right? I don’t need a baby, but now it’s the confusion of our conversations and the situation surrounding it.

In all honesty I feel like I need to mourn the idea of having children and refrain from entertaining it. This is hard and hurtful ( even though it’s unintentional). And I don’t want to force someone into something they don’t want. I have no idea how to talk to him about this further.

Thank you for any advice on how to try and open communication, and emotional support.



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34 COMMENTS

  1. >I never thought I’d be able to have children, and had mourned that part of my life already.

    My first thought was that there was a medical issue that was preventing this but if you are healthy, you can still go through IVF after your guy has had vasectomy. The sperm can be gently extracted from the testicles. It’s obviously much tougher than making love without protection while you ovulate, but there are ways you can try for a pregnancy if you want.

  2. It’s been 4 months, that’s a pretty short period of time for some life altering choices IMO

    If you want a future together, you both need to get on the same page now about kids. Have them, don’t have them, whatever, as long as you both agree and move forward.

    You’re 29, you can still have kids… it’s certainly not too late. But if that’s your goal, and this is your choice in partner, it’s going to be more difficult because of his vasectomy.

  3. You could choose someone able to have children? It’s only 4 months. These decisions happen. You are 29 not 39. You still have time but you can’t afford to waste it.

    Dating is a process. Sounds like this is a deal breaker. He’s already had his, so he’s fine.

  4. *Last month we started talking about our future together, what that looked like, and* ***he brought up having a baby together eventually****.*

    Last month as in, only dated for three months? And talking your FUTURRR? Come on, OP. You know three months is a blip of time, right?

    And what? HE brought up having kids? Yet…he can’t? That strikes me as very off.

    It’s only been a couple of months, OP. You barely know this guy. I’d take a massive step back. If you really want kids, this is not the guy for you. And the fact that he mislead you?

    Nope. You consider having kids with a man you’ve know for four YEARS, not four MONTHS.

  5. >Last month we started talking about our future together, what that looked like, and he brought up having a baby together eventually. Suddenly having kids was an option and I celebrated in my heart.

    >he told me this evening that he has had a Vasectomy,

    >I feel like I was baited.

    Because you were.

    It’s been just a few months and he’s already screwing with you on MAJOR things. Why would you want to continue this?

    >I have no idea how to talk to him about this furth

    The big problem is why would you trust anything he says? He led you down a primrose path and then told you he’d already killed all the plants after having you fall in love with them. He’s not a reliable or trustworthy person. Also, at best, he made an impulse decision and got a Vasectomy. Meaning he makes major decisions without thinking them through. At worse he knew and knows he never wanted more kids, but talked babies with you to invest you deeper in the relationship.

  6. He can attempt to have it reversed. It seems very strange that he’d talk about wanting kids with you without mentioning that though.

    What’s a vasectomy for the wrong reason?

  7. So he broached the topic of having kids together and then later told you he had a vasectomy?

    Something is wrong with this dude. I can’t think of a decent reason he would do that and think you should probably get the hell away from him. There are plenty of good guys out there you could have kids with.

  8. How long ago did he get the vasectomy? If HE wants more kids with anyone, he should get it reversed sooner than later, because the longer he goes the less likely it will be successful.

    You’re 29… You’re on the clock, but you still have plenty of runway to find someone to have kids with. If he’s talking kids with you, see if his actions back that up…

  9. This is going far to fast. Four months and he wants another baby. After whiplash decision to have the snip.

    This doesn’t sound like a very stable partner. I would proceed with caution

  10. He didn’t bait you unless he told you he’d have children with you. If children weren’t in the discussion then there is no deception. I’ve had a vasectomy and I’m upfront with women mainly because I hate condoms. When we get exclusive they’re able to get rid of their BC and we can just have fun carefree.

    He has a family already. He isn’t going to start a new one and a reversal is a shitty thing to go through. The initial procedure, itself, wasn’t fun.

    So, just relax. Enjoy your guy and love on him. If you make him happy he’ll make you happy.

  11. Hi. Guy who got a vasectomy and got it reversed (ten years later) and then got another one.

    Sigh… it’s expensive and far from guaranteed. I had mine, then reversed but my sperm count was VERY slow, and we had to do a round of IVF.

    So there’s that.

    But, in your case…

    I’d simply gauge his response that, if the cas reversal doesn’t work, that you still want kids and would look for a sperm donor.

    If he doesn’t like that idea, I’d either get comfortable with the idea of not having kids, or be willing to move on.

  12. If i wanted kids i wouldnt waste even A DAY with a man who had a vasectomy.

    Dude wont undo his vasectomy. Its costly, success rates are low, he did it bc he didnt want kids.

    You will have kids DRAMA without having your own kids. I would leave.

  13. So what’s the problem? It’s not the kind of news you lay on your new partner in month 1 or 2 or maybe even 3. He told you. There is a chance that it wouldn’t work but there is a chance you don’t want kids anyway. If this is the right guy, you both work on it and live with whatever the result of that is.

  14. It’s pretty fucked up that he 1) didn’t tell you he got a vasectomy… very selfish on his part, and 2) Then he screws with your head and emotions by making you think it’s even a big possibility that you two could have children, despite him being fully aware that he has a vasectomy that he may or may not get reversed.

    If you want to leave him, that’s completely fair. He kept a massive piece of important information from you and seemingly intentionally messed with your head.

    But, it’s also okay to try and work through it with him, if you think he’s worth it. You seemed to have accepted possibly never having children already (before he brought it up again) so you can surely get back to that. But if you do want kids (that you give birth to, I mean) maybe don’t wait around on this guy.

  15. From personal experience, I’m a guy, I’ve had a vasectomy, I had a divorce, I certainly didn’t advertise my vasectomy to every woman I dated.

    But there comes a point in a relationship where it needs to be discussed, that point is different for each person.

    Having personally been in a similar situation, maybe he fell for you hard, loves you very much and has been terrified to tell you about his vasectomy because he fears it might change things. so he waits, internalizes, lives with his secret torment everyday, until one day he simply has to tell you.

    Is it right? is it wrong? who knows? each situation is dynamic and you certainly don’t know the emotional pressures a guy can have in this type of situation.

    maybe a reversal is an option?

  16. My husband has a vasectomy, actually 2 (it grew back) and when we met we wanted to have children. This was 10 years ago, but this doctor was doing income based vasectomies. I’m sleeping next to our 8 year old daughter now after she kicked out my husband with her snoring and kicking 🙂 it’s a beautiful mess. Don’t give up! https://schedule.thereversalclinic.com/?keyword=vasectomy%20reversal&matchtype=b&device=m&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2IuY056o-gIV_hTUAR37bgIMEAAYAiAAEgKAtvD_BwE

  17. Reversal success rates depends on the type of vasectomy he got, if you are in the US usually they do the less invasive one that has better reversability. Also he may have had his sperm cryostored.

  18. You need to have a conversation with him. Yes, reversal is possible and yes chances of having a baby are harder. But there are also spendy ways to have a baby with his sperm (IVF) and technically very possible, as long as his swimmers don’t have a problem. You do need to decide if you want to pursue the idea of kids know it’s a long road that’s spendy or if you don’t. And then you need to tell him how you feel

  19. >From what research I’ve done reversal isn’t 100%, and is very expensive

    You mean for him to turn back the vasectomy? Maybe he doesn’t know. But he didn’t get it without a reason, like you say, so it’s definitely not the best idea to have kids with him.

    Especially seeing the relationship is still pretty short, he would to prove really hard and without doubt that he would want to have children, but since getting a vasectomy is so impactful and usually well thought out, it indeed sounds like a bait. Don’t have kids with this man

  20. ….And then when you said that you might want to have kids and I wasn’t so sure, Who had the vasectomy reversed? And then when you said you defintely didn’t want to have kids, who had it reversed back? Snip snap! Snip snap! Snip snap! I did! You have no idea the physical toll, that three vasectomies have on a person! And I bought this condo to fill with children!

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