Me (21f) and my boyfriend (22m) have been together for about a year now. We met when he did a semester abroad and decided to continue our relationship when he moved back to his country. When he moved he had given up his apartment so he moved back in with his mother for a bit. She doesn’t have any other family and he is her whole world, they grew especially close a few years back when she had breast cancer.
The first time I came to visit he still lived at her place, and although she likes me and I her, she made some comments (jokes) about me stealing him away when he comes visit me and that she hopes she won’t lose him if he moves back to my country. I thought the comments were a little odd but I let it go. He moved away a couple months later and every time I visit for a week we go have dinner with her at her place normally 3 times. I like her but I’d prefer the time with him alone.
He works very close to her apartment, and about half the days he works he goes to her place for lunch. I get it, food is expensive, whatever. What irks me though is that lately we’ve said we’d try to have more calls and watch stuff together etc, which is hard since most of the days I’m free he also goes to her for dinner and by the time he gets back I’m in bed. Also the fact that she knows everything about what’s going on with me even though I haven’t told her myself, nor would I have if it were up to me, and the fact that when anything goes wrong for him he tells his mother first before me. I’ve tried making hints that this makes me uncomfortable but he doesn’t seem to catch on. I feel clueless on what do since I don’t want to but in to their relationship but except for friends he’s all she’s got.
Any advice or tips on how to bring this up?
I would ask myself about the future of your relationship. Will he really moves back to your country? Without his mother? Have you ever talked about it? I mean you said it yourself “She just has him (except some friends). Will he really leaves her alone?
Stop hinting and be direct.
“Hey, babe. I’ve noticed you’ve been telling your mom personal stuff about me that I didn’t really want her to know. These are things I’ve shared with you in confidence because *we* are a couple and I don’t feel comfortable with your mom knowing, too. I know you and your mom are close, but I’d really appreciate it if you kept these things just between us.” And then while you’re on the topic, also mention about wanting some quality time just between the two of you and when you both can make it happen.
Tell him. Hinting is not how COMMUNICATION works.
Remove any judgement from the topic when you bring it up, it’s not about if it’s good or bad, it’s about how it makes you feel. That way he won’t feel attacked and you can hopefully find a middle ground. Tbh I get it and I’d be just as uncomfortable, but I’m assuming he’s worth the effort of trying to work past this, so communication is key
stop hinting and tell him what you want
She has “only” him and also she is dealing with a lot in her life especially cancer that too breast cancer. He being in close with his mother since childhood will not afford to leave his mother in a very hopeless state. She would be going through a lot of cancer related mental issues like anxiety, depression, trauma of losing breasts and she would feel like she is losing her femininity and stuff.
“Suppose if u are present in his shoes, would you abandon your mother when she is going through with all these issues? Would you call yourself momma’s girl?” or “Imagine yourself in the place of his mother and you want to live with his mother and your son’s girlfriend doesn’t want that to happen and you are left in a hopeless state.” Karma is a boomerang. Btw u are a girlfriend and not a wife tbh, he wouldn’t want a partner who doesn’t support him what he is going through when his mother is affected. Tell him that u want to be with him regularly. If you are living in the same city, discuss about moving in the same apartment with him and his mother and you might have to adjust in initial times. Consider his mother as ur mom or atleast be humane and love her, he’s going to love you more than now. Always create a win-win situation wherever possible. Always try to “include” and stop the divides. Best advice for your situation is to all the three of you better to move in the same place. You treat her with love, she treats u back with love, your bf would love you more, he doesn’t have to go away from you and meet his mother to a place and u don’t have to feel alone during the whole time. Make peace with his mother and stay in the same place if u want to a place convenient to you. This leads to a long term relationship and harmony and in the future, your kids won’t be left alone when you are working away from home because they got loving and caring grandparents.
There’s a difference between being a mamas boy and being unhealthily enmeshed emotionally. At some point the wife/relationship comes first (I say this as a mother to an only son). I’d be extremely cautious of a mother saying a woman is “stealing her son away” instead of bringing a daughter to love and care for. That is not a healthy outlook even as a “joke”.
Info: when you three sleep in the bed together, does she let him sleep in the middle?
Seriously girl there are billions of men on this earth.
She literally only has your boyfriend in her life no one else and she survived breast cancer its not wonder your boyfriend spends so much time with her he knows his mom is lonley only wants her to be happy. it’s also natural to tell your family first when something goes wrong in your life not your gf gf isn’t family until you are married. First of all I would approach the subject with your boyfriend in a non accusatory manner only tell him how his actions with his mother makes you feel how you feel like you are ignored and think up solutions to the problem communicating with each other effectively is that best way the work past this.
My advice is stop making hints and be more direct. Of course you care about him to be sure that being direct doesn’t make him feel like he’s being accused of something, or being attacked. If he does respond negatively I’d say the best thing to do is to encourage meaningful communication through sympathy and kindness – if he can’t manage that I would lay down the law and tell him you’re trying but there seems to be a problem that you want to resolve because the way things are going is making you feel uncomfortable.
Also I would definitely tell him you’re not comfortable with his mom knowing stuff about you without you agreeing to him telling her (exception to this would be if he wants to consult with her about something before talking to you – but if you feel empty by him relying on him for what you believe he should rely on you for then that should be communicated)
>I’ve tried making hints that this makes me uncomfortable but he doesn’t seem to catch on.
Stop “hinting”. He’s not omniscient. Sit him down and firmly tell him to absolutely stop talking to his Mom about you and your personal info. Then tell him that when you are in town, visiting Mom one time is more than plenty.
Good luck with this.
You’re never going to be his priority and if you’re okay with that then I say continue. That doesn’t seem like the case though, you want more and mommas boys rarely give their wives the respect they deserve.
I don’t know, I think this is just someone attached to their mother. Honestly, it seems nice.
If it’s impacting you, you certainly deserve to talk about it with him. But someone who loves their mother and spends time with her is typically a really good sign.
Good luck to you.
I read your other post and hope that he is truly dedicated to you and noone else. It doesn’t seem like that plays into this at all but it seemed very important to you when you posted it.
OP – first of all kudos for seeking advice and acknowledging the fact that there is a problem. You both are young and are in the process of discovering your relationships. I will try and provide some advice that could help but remember any success depends on you both. Your overall best tool during this time is communication.
1. First borderline is your personal info. I do not know the nature of the stuff being shared but if it bothers you then it is a problem. Where I come from there‘s a saying – houses are secrets. Sometimes people blurt out personal stuff to other close family members out of pride, love or sometimes anxiety if the info is problem related. Sit down and have the conversation together. Explain that you are uncomfortable about the details being shared. If he acknowledges and shows initiative then you‘ve had success.
2. You need to understand that his mom is someone important in his life. Ofcourse he likes to visit her frequently and have meals and chat with her. But, that doesn‘t mean you are to be ignored. What I find helpful is planning a couple of weekly activities where you both plan time together, go for it and have fun. Also if you are interested in joining them up for dinner sometimes then that makes them both appreciate you. Sometimes Bring some food and always bring your cheerful spirit along. Try to build your relationship with his mom too. It would do wonders. Some moms even go the extra mile and point out to their boys that they also need to take care of their ladies and not ignore them plus make sure he does right by you.
3. If gentle communication does not work, be firmer till the point gets resolved. A balanced approach where both parties show initiative to make things work
Remember , and I cannot stress. Be firm but gentle at the same time in your conversation. You seem to care about him given that you are here so I wish you all the best.
If this relationship turns serious, he is going to prioritize his first family (which is his mom), you and your future children will be secondary. Personality doesn’t change after you become an adult. This is what kind of a person he is. He is too attached to his mother and I strongly believe that this has something to do with upbringing. I don’t know where your boyfriend is from but this happens frequently in Türkiye because of upbringing. I have a feeling that when his mother starts to deal with health issues, he will take his mother with him and three of you will live together. You need to find a good excuse to break up and part your ways. He directly goes for his mother when something in his life goes wrong? Such attachment to a parent as an adult is a red flag. This will cause problems in your relationship in the future.
Edit — I just saw your previous post about your boyfriend. He cheated on you before. He was in a polyamorous relationship without informing you and his other girlfriend. He used the other girl just for sex even though she had feelings for him. He ghosted her by stopping texting her without explanation. He also fooled you and during that time he had regular sex with another girl. He has no respect for you. He has no respect for the other girl. His morality is corrupt and I can’t believe that you let it slide and I feel like your boyfriend is Turkish. May I ask where he comes from?
ok, he is wrong in telling her mom personal stuff about you. But i wanna know why hate people who have a good relationship with their parents. Think i guy leaves you because you want to spend time with your family. unlike you, people can have a good relationship sorry to break it to you. If you had that, you would understand it.
Ps: he is wrong in telling ur personal stuff to his mom
Look up r/justnomil. You might find good advice on how to communicate with your boyfriend better and how to make boundaries.
Tho I think it would be so much easier to just find a man who is not married to his mother.
If he loves his mama right he will love you right. The way a man loves his mom and how he treats her is how he will treat you. So if you’re jealous he is a namas boy just remember he probably treats you special too. So don’t take it for granted his mom won’t be around one day and he will come to you If you do this right and let him have a good relationship with his mom (meaning dont complain about it or try to keep it from happening) and his other family members regardless of what might be going on. Good luck.
He isn’t for you break up with him!!
Just for gods sake don’t date Mamas boys – they’re incapable of doing normal stuff because mommy has always done and solved everything for them. My ex boyfriend’s mom literally still makes his fucking plate for him, after having cooked for him, then cleaning the table and doing the dishes after. And she did this in OUR apartment where she was a guest. So imagine how little help he was around the house in general
Its sounds like he’s in a relationship with his mother.
You can try gently bringing your concerns to him, like “hey I noticed your mom brings up things that I’ve only told you and it makes me uncomfortable because I told you these things with the expectation that it was between the 2 of us”. Or “hey we agreed we were going to spend more time together but I noticed that’s not happening”. Let him answer for these things. But honestly, I’d prepare myself for the fact that this is the relationship dynamic he has with his mom (as wrong as it is, because his mom should have this sort of relationship with a spouse or partner closer to her age rather than her son) so you either decide to live with it or you break up. There’s no way around it really. The mom will always try to meddle and be in the relationship and most boys don’t know how to set and keep up boundaries with their moms.
As a momma’s boy of 25 I came here loaded for bear to tell you to get over yourself. My mom loves me no matter what. Ain’t no woman on the planet that gives a shit about me like my mom. She is always ahead of every woman. This guy feels the same. Mom’s don’t divorce sons. Wives do at an 80% clip.
This guy is a bit over the top. You need to get over yourself and stay up a bit later once or twice a week and you try to prod him to come skip dinner with mom once or twice a week. If you’ve actually got an issue with mom get over it, because she’s with him for life, you’re with him for a year or two.
Why should you be a priority over his mother exactly? Just understand that it’s not happening and you’ll be fine. I find it sweet that he actually goes to her when he has stuff on his chest rather than putting the weight on you. You’re his lover and he’s probably protecting that
Head over to JustNoMIL and see why getting serious with this guy/marrying him is a terrible idea. Don’t marry someone who is already married to their mom.
Every boy is a mamas boy deep down. Especially at the end.
Edit: if you can’t deal with it, he’s obviously not your type and you should end it.
He’s close to his mom. He’s the only family he has and his mom also endured breast cancer.
If you have a problem with something he says or does. Tell him directly. Don’t hint at it. He can’t read your mind. Just remember that’s his mom and none of us get our mom for forever. My mom doesn’t come first in my life but she is priority a lot of the time when I live near her.
You should be happy to have a bf who cares so much about his momma. It’s a window into how he treats a woman close to him. I’m sure he treats you great as well.
You want to steal him from her?
My ex did that it caused my family to fall down into a hole, apparently I was needed but my ex played a card “I am your new family”, she made me stop supporting financially my mother, led her to misery and stress.
Made me stop seeing her for long periods of time and talked how every time I go there, I come back depressed and negative. Well ofc, after I left, nobody was there, capable of helping my mother and grandparents and their lives became much worse.
So listen well:
A man is a man when he can fix things, helps his own family that he grew up with and takes care of it.
The moment I left my ex, I had so much left behind work to do, it was overwhelming, but I’ve managed.
Every life is different, but if that guy is needed somewhere, who are you to take him all for yourself obsessively? To separate him from his mother, when she won’t manage without him?
Do you want to separate him from his friends too?
This sounds like emeshment. If his mother is single, she’s filling parts of her life that should be filled with a spouse, with her son instead. Its codependent and unhealthy for both of them. Your boyfriend doesn’t need to abandon his mother, but they do need to set some clear boundaries and jokes like you’re taking him from her aren’t funny. That’s gross. He’s an adult and not her spouse.
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