Saturday, April 1, 2023
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My boyfriend is so loving that I am having a hard time accepting my relationship.

I’m asking for advice on ways to develop healthy mind tricks to remind myself this is a good thing for me.

My (20F) boyfriend (20M) and I are currently in a long distance relationship. I’ve been friends with him for about a year and a half and we started dating 2 months ago.

He has treated me ONLY with patience, kindness, respect and love. I’ve been (out of habit, it’s bad I know) trying to find even one single red flag in him, but I haven’t.

Last night I woke up from a nightmare that his kindness was all a hoax for a whole plot to murder me. This dream made me realize I have internal issues and unresolved problems with my self worth and how I believe I should be treated. I’ve been having trouble accepting his comfort from the beginning and this is mostly due to how I’ve been treated in the past.

I thought I was over these traumas (i.e. physical abuse, cheating and more), but being with him has lead me to realize that deep down I’m waiting for him to start being mean.

What are some healthy habits I can use daily to remind myself that this is a good relationship and the way he treats me is a reflection of how he actually feels for me? I do not want him to feel constantly needing to reassure me.

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  1. This is exactly what therapists are for. That said…

    You can be the one that reassures yourself. Whenever you become aware of the thoughts you don’t want, repeat replacements in your head.

    I deserve love and respect. My boyfriend treats me with love and respect. My boyfriend helps me feel empowered. My boyfriend’s cares about helping me get what I need. My boyfriend is a good person who I am proud of.

    In addition to our being good practice and helping to replace the negative thoughts that sneak in, is also a good alarm system in case you ever stop believing them so you can address things if your relationship does start going downhill.

  2. “I deserve the same love and effort I give to others. This is a good thing, and even if it doesn’t last forever, I can enjoy the love and comfort of the present.” Keep reminding yourself of this, and to echo others, get therapy if you can. I also think communicating to your partner that you are doing your best but might need some reassurance is a good idea. We all get a little needy sometimes, it’s part of being human.
    I think sometimes people fall for the old “no one can love you until you love yourself” bullshit, but it’s exactly that, bullshit. Sometimes it takes a person we love and admire loving us the same way to accept that we deserve it and can be loved even with flaws and insecurities. Be kind to yourself and honest with your partner.

  3. It’s commom to feel uneasy when u suffer from PTSD for example and then get to have healthy lover. It’s like you are not used to feeling safe so the body and mind is irritated. Most people who had experienced trauma are feeling like this when they finally have a healthy love. Don’t blame yourself too much and search a professional to talk about it. Let yourself heal and be thankful that u get to experience this. I know it’s bad at first hang in there.

  4. Therapy. Seriously.

    What I have to do is intentionally remind myself that my bf is not the person who was unkind to me before. He’s not the same person. He won’t react to me the way the other person did. It will take time to adjust the thoughts that play through your head. Keep reminding yourself. Let him reassure you.

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