My (18F) boyfriend (19M) of 8 months has a history of oversleeping. The first two times he overslept and missed two dates: the first just with me that we had planned two weeks in advance, the second a family hangout to meet my mom. Those two times he was unemployed and was choosing to stay up all night knowing we have plans the next day. Each time it hurt but each time I forgave him.
We planned for him to visit my house today. He is now working a night shift and I made sure it was during his off day, not the day directly after his last day of work. That means that he’s had a whole 24 hours beforehand to prepare himself for traveling to my house the next day (we live 2 hours apart). My mom was looking forward to meeting him finally and so is my grandma. She has Alzheimer’s and probably has only a year left in her. She has met him once and likes him a lot. She was so excited to see him.
He promised to sleep early. Promised to set alarms. Already I was scared. I was psyching myself for the possibility he wouldn’t visit. I wake up this morning from a text at 7 AM saying he’s only going to bed now. Said he’s going to take a nap and try to wake up at 10:30. I already had a bad feeling but said I’d try to call him to wake him up.
10:30 passes by and nothing. I end up calling him 15 times within the span of 2 hours, hoping even just one call would wake him up. My dad asks where he is. I have to be honest and tell him he’s still at home. My dad shakes his head, disappointed. My mom says it’s fine but I can tell she’s also disappointed. She had cooked an extra special lunch for him. I had bought food from a trip just to give it to him. It was 12 and he can only stay at our place til 5 pm to travel back. There’s no way anymore he can have enough time to visit.
The hardest part was telling my grandma. She was looking for him the moment she saw me. I had to tell her, while trying so hard not to cry, that he wasn’t coming. The smile on her already aged, gaunt face faded. She looked so confused. She asked me again where he was, I had to say again he wasn’t coming. She looked at my mom, my mom repeated it again. Felt like a knife to my heart to see my grandma look so confused.
Hours later he messaged me saying sorry he didn’t make it. I tell him honestly but in a respectful way still that I was upset about it. I told him I felt that my family was disappointed and I was also feeling the same.
His response was that he should be getting some leeway because if he had gone today, that would mean he’d be having a hard time sleeping for work. I felt like it was just not the right response. It felt like he was more concerned about how it would have affected him more than me.
I do understand where he’s coming from, but it still stings. At first I could accept it but now I’m just crying and I just feel like I can’t look at him the same. It’s like a broken promise and family means so much to me. My parents never liked someone I’ve dated as much as they like him. I’m scared this will affect the way they see him. I feel so bad for my dad, for my mom, for my grandma. I feel so bad for me. I know it’s hard on him too. I know night shift isn’t easy. But he promised….and this isn’t the first time.
How do I even proceed from here? I love him but I can’t take another fourth time. From now on I don’t think I can ever trust he’d come on time to anything. Worried and scared.
And I would appreciate advice that is beyond just breaking up, please.
TL;DR: Boyfriend overslept and missed a planned visit to my house for the third time, upsetting my family and my grandma who were all excited to see him. Told him how it hurt and he seemed to be more concerned about himself. What do I do from here?
Yes it does affect the way your parents, and everyone else see your bf. He comes off as undependable. Three strikes, he’s out.
Girl, your grandma isn’t hurt because he didn’t show up.
She’s hurt because you’re tying your happiness to someone who treats you poorly. And if she could wave a magic wand, you wouldn’t be dating someone who’s careless with your heart and hurts you so casually.
My boyfriend and I used to live 3 hours apart, and for the majority of time early on in our relationship I’d get the train to his because my uni hours were move flexible and I could work remotely whereas he couldn’t as easily. After a few months I really wanted him to visit me because I wanted him to meet my friends and it was important to me that he makes that effort. So I went to see him first, spent a few days with him, and then we were going to get the train back to mine together. The evening before he decided to stay up very late and drink with his flatmates and I was already a bit annoyed, but come morning and he decided he was too tired and hungover and hadn’t packed yet and he’d get a train later the next day instead. I was FURIOUS. but we spoke about it and he’s never done anything like that ever again and instead proven on multiple occasions that I’m a priority for him.
Once I’d be able to forgive, but the fact that this is the third time your boyfriend has done this and he refuses to take any accountability or any measures to ensure this won’t happen again would be a dealbreaker for me. Or have you asked him what measures he would take to ensure this won’t happen again? This shouldn’t be on you – he should come up with solutions or suggestions, he should apologize, and he should try and plan a new date to meet your family
>And I would appreciate advice that is beyond just breaking up, please.
Then you came to the wrong place.
Three strikes and all that. When people show you who they are, believe them… THE FIRST TIME!
He doesn’t care about you or your family. Plain and simple. He knew you had plans but still decided to go to bed at 7 and then wants you to cut him some slack?! No meeting family is a big deal and he screwed up many times it seems.
He isn’t worth giving the time of day.
You don’t sound like you’re a priority to him. Move on.
Oversleeping isn’t the issue. He just doesn’t give a shit.
Dump him. Respectfully. You are not his priority. There’s no reason he couldn’t have made this happen except that he did not care enough to do so. Oversleeping is an accident, but staying awake until 7 am when you have somewhere to be the next day is a choice. He will keep letting you down, and every time all he’ll have to say is a half-assed apology followed by a bullshit excuse about why it’s not his fault and you’re not allowed to be upset. You don’t have time for that.
You break up. His priorities seem to be everything that is not you.
We prioritize the things we want to. He doesn’t care about your relationship or your family.
He’s had plenty of chances. I’d be done.
2 things:
1. I understand he cannot just go sleep early. If he works night-shifts then he gets into a rythm, which means sleeping early is kinda useless. A ‘full 24 hours’ isn’t going to change that.
Knowing he has this rythm, you should try and make planned dates in the late afternoon/evening. Even if he’s awake earlier, he’ll probably be really tired.
2. That being said, he doesn’t sound like he cares. Hours later he just sends you a text and that’s it? And it also happened before? (When he didnt have a job)
It sounds like he isn’t ready for a relationship yet. You’re both still young, but this guy is clearly not ready.
So yeah, learn from the situation and also look for someone who cares more.
Break up with him. He’s proved to you time and time again that you and your family don’t mean shit to him. He’d rather sit up until 7am playing games/watching TV/wanking or whatever he was doing then guilt you into feeling bad because if he had come he would find it hard to sleep later???? Fuck this loser. And the fact your grandma is suffering from Alzheimer’s and was looking forward to seeing him, the confusion of him not making any effort to keep his promise, that’s the final straw.
Just break up. He doesn’t prioritize you. I get it, working shift work is difficult, and you can’t really expect him to unfuck his Circadian rhythm within a day. That said, a good partner, at the bare minimum, will take note of what is important to you and take steps to get there. Even if he missed things, he could’ve offered to reschedule at a time that works better for him, that he knows he can make, but he didn’t. You’re better off finding someone closer who actually wants to try for you.
Respect is a two way street. He’s disrespected you multiple times now. If you’re not going to dump him – which I sincerely recommend you do – you need to lose your shit at this boy. You can be assertive and angry without being aggressive or abusive, and anger protects your boundaries. Don’t let anyone tell you this boy deserves your patience and understanding when you’ve already given him that twice.
I’ve worked nights for years now and if I have to be up early the next day, tough shit. I’ll make sure to have a couple of Red Bulls ready to go in the morning. You make the effort for people you care about. He’s shown you who he is OP, and that’s not a person who respects you or cares enough about you to make a tiny sacrifice and a mild effort.
You’re 18, which means that you’ll end up breaking up at some point anyway. This is immaturity on his part, plus he just kind of sounds like a doofus. Relationships in your teens serve mostly to learn what your standards are and what’s important to you. If you want to help future you out, send this nerd packing and find someone who can learn how to set an alarm.
Dudes not worth your time and gives a shit about you.
Dump him.
At a guess your family are disappointed for you, supportive families would want you to have better treatment from your partner- he doesn’t respect your time or your family.
Don’t make someone a priority who treats you like an option. Know your worth and move on.
You proceed by dumping him. That is extremely disrespectful and you are obviously not his priority.
Take a hint, you do not have a boyfriend, you have a guy you know, that fucks you when he wants. He does not want to meet your family, but he is being a passive aggressive pussy about it. Stop giving him pussy, he will stop talking to you. Get a real man in your life.
It should change the way your family feel about him. How do you think it feels for your parents – not just for themselves but to see YOU disappointed in your boyfriend? No parent wants to see their child hurting.
In this situation, you did everything to be considerate to your boyfriend. You planned it so he had ample time to prepare and ensure he had the sleep he needed. Though, I’m willing to bet he never actually planned on coming and figured he could get away with it since he already had before. Otherwise if he can’t wake up for alarms and phone calls, he needs professional help. (I’m sure he has no issues waking up for work though).
You say not to advise breaking up, so I’ll advise you to think really hard about what you want out of a relationship. If this is the guy you want to be with, either accept that he may continue to disappoint you and your family or have a very serious conversation with him to lay out why this hurt you and why it WON’T keep happening.
Though personally, I could never be with someone who would let down me and my entire family. This post made me so sad for your family, don’t let someone mug them off please, they sound lovely.
This is an issue, and if he doesn’t immediately correct it, is grounds for break up
He sounds dusty. Dump him and get a man who is consistent, takes responsibility, and follows through with plans. He’s doing none of these things. And he clearly doesn’t mind hurting your feelings, which isn’t cool.
You are 18. Stop wasting time with people who cause drama. He doesn’t have the common courtesy to get sleep when he knows the two of you have plans, move on. Find someone who has respect for you.
if he wanted to he would
for the future if you really want to give him another chance, try having him take leave from work for the plans. tell him you won’t make important plans with him that he’ll need to be awake during his off hours for unless he has taken multiple days off work to try and “correct” his sleep for those days leading up and during.
that being said, i think the bigger issue isn’t that he overslept, but that when you explained why you were upset, he (from your description) didn’t seem like he really cared that he messed up. he immediately responded with, basically, “you shouldn’t be as upset as you are with me because of my situation” despite it being a situation he could take steps to work around, especially for such important plans. not to mention that this wasn’t the first time.
i think the writing was on the wall from the first 2 times this happened when it was entirely his fault, he didn’t plan ahead, and now seems to not be remorseful or learned anything from then considering he has done the exact same thing again but now feels that his job is a good enough excuse.
like mostly everyone else has said, he is not treating you like a priority, and when you’re understandably upset by this, he excuses himself and invalidates your emotions. i think if you want advice other than “just break up” you should have a really serious talk with him about this. long(ish) distance relationships are built on trust, which he’s given you multiple reasons not to have in him. tell him the relationship is on the line, use an ultimatum if you have to: take the next plan seriously or be dumped. or just otherwise explain that he’s done some real damage, doesn’t deserve another chance, and is not acting like the partner you need.
but, in my opinion, even if you don’t want to hear it, you might just be better off breaking up now anyway. it would save you the time, energy, and pain of being let down again. if it’s already 8 months in and he hasn’t decided to buckle down and commit through his actions, why would you waste more time giving him opportunities that he won’t take seriously?
>His response was that he should be getting some leeway because if he had gone today, that would mean he’d be having a hard time sleeping for work
He wants ‘leeway’ for something he *didn’t* do? How does that make sense? “*You have to forgive me for blowing you off because if I followed through it would’ve been a bit of a sacrifice on my part*” So essentially, he didn’t make the small sacrifice but wants credit for being *willing* to make the small sacrifice, even though he didn’t make it?? Wha??
He doesn’t care. Nobody does unless it’s on purpose
He clearly does not respect you. I personally would not stay but you do you.
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Just want to point out the night shift excuse is bull. If he needs longer to sleep after a night shift he should not have agreed on a day to visit you after one, plain and simple. He agreed to it, then let you down, then didn’t even give you a proper apology.
He doesn’t care AT ALL and you need to let him go. You’ve already told him it upsets you and he’s done it again, stop giving this idiot extra chances because he’ll just keep wasting your time and making you miserable.
What a catch! Someone who cannot hold a job, doesn’t study, and cannot be a responsible person.
Even teenagers can wake up on their own if they have to go school or meet friends. Your BF cannot even do basic of a person.
I see a lot of disrespect. Would you do the same shit to him and his family that he’s been doing to you and yours?
Of course not. It’s because you like and respect him. I won’t say break up but maybe take a break and see other guys. You’re only 18. You don’t have to baby a man child at this age or at any age.
You guys live two hours apart. I have to ask: do you usually have to go to him? So you are the one making most of the effort in this relationship? Think about that, because it certainly made me see situations differently in my own life.
That said, if the boy won’t make an effort to come over when you have made it abundantly clear that it is important to you, then you should prioritize yourself and dump him. Why would you want to stay with someone you can’t trust and that actually makes you worried and scared? You’re so young! Go find people who make you happy, not stressed.
If you don’t want to break up with him, at least explore other options. You might find someone who makes you feel safe, secure and appreciated instead.
An important day to meet the parents and he went to sleep at 7am… Irresponsible right there.
He knows he has to travel for 2 hours and can only be there til 5pm… Yet sleeps past everything. Swears he’ll set up alarms. Doubt it…
Then doesn’t own up to his mistake. Make excuses for it instead of owning up and apologizing.
Does seem like a serious person to be with. 3rd strike and it was a big one. That’s enough for me to break up with someone. Meeting my family is important. If the other person can’t make the effort to meet my parents, that isn’t the person I want to be with. Or even to have some interactions with my parents.
Break it off and find someone else. He’s not worth the heartache.
…y’all are adults now. He’s being a lazy, disrespectful piece of shit. Dump his sorry ass and find someone who will cherish you.
He’s proven himself to be unreliable. Where do you see this going?
Simply put – If he wanted to, he would.
I know you want advice other than “just break up” but sometimes when people show their true colours, breaking up is the right thing to do. If this had just happened once then ok maybe I could get over it, but three times means that your bf just does not care enough about meeting your family to do something as simple as getting to bed early. You need to have a long hard think about whether you really want to be spending time with someone who shows such disrespect for something that is clearly very important to you
You want advice beyond “break up” and yet you can’t look at him the same and you can’t take a fourth time.
So my advice is this: Tahoe a long hard look at why you are accepting this. You’re very young. This isn’t some long term relationship where breaking up might impact your housing, finances or kids. So what IS it you’re scared of letting go?
They’re disappointed bc they know you’re going to get hurt in this relationship. He never planned on going, the proof is in his response and you’re just not seeing it. You guys are obviously on different levels in this relationship
Girl……. Cmon now
ooof, imagine missing a dinner appointment with the in laws because you overslept.. Fairly certain I’d be looking at an well deserved asswhooping
You say you don’t want to hear “break up,” but your only alternative is to accept that you’re never going to be a priority to him. He’s always going to be selfish and disrespectful, and will blame you and minimize his responsibility for his own actions.
You really want to live with that?
If this is the best boyfriend you’ve had that means your picker is broken. Or you’re just really young to be having so many different relationships?
What are you getting out of this relationship? Long distance at 18? Really ver few redeemable qualities from what I see
“You never get a second chance to make a first impression.” This guy will never win your family’s approval, that’s his fault.
You aren’t a priority to him. I worked night shift and if I had something planned during the day, I’d make it whether it was a day off or not. I planned my sleep around plans and set alarms to wake me up on time. And if I felt a plan wouldn’t work with my schedule, like an all day event on a work day, I wouldn’t commit to it. Third shift is tough, but you can still live a life around it. You just have to make plans you can keep and take steps to sleep and wake up to make it. It would be different if it was a one time thing and he took steps to wake up and they failed. We’ve all been there. But this isn’t the first time and he did it when he was unemployed as well. I personally wouldn’t tolerate this.
He’s a slob. Christ. Lose him
Had it been the first time and the result of a new shift, I’d suggest forgiving him. That’s not the case. This is NOT someone you want to marry.