Friday, March 24, 2023
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My boyfriend said that it’s impossible for a man to only be attracted to one person. Don’t know what to do with that?

We were having a discussion on guys following half naked IG models and he started defending by saying that it’s impossible for a guy to only be attracted to one woman and that it’s okay to acknowledge other women’s beauty. I was hurt by that because I genuinely don’t look at other guys because I’m happy with him.
I struggle with self esteem issue and we have had fights about him looking at other girls while we’re together and following and masturbating to other girls on IG. I don’t have an issue with watching porn but something about using IG models makes me uncomfortable and I told him about that. He compares IG to old playboy magazines and says IG is mostly porn and I shouldn’t take it personally. He later said that no one can only be physically attracted to one person and I was like wtf, the least a man can do is control his sexual desires. Why do men choose to hurt their women who love them deeply to jerk off to some random female. I don’t know what to do, this really hurts me for some reason because I thought I was the only one he would have eyes for 🙁

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  1. It’s not him finding other women attractive that’s the problem. It’s the way he feels entitled to view women this way and does not care how it affects and hurts you. Is this really the kind of man you want to spend your precious time with? I’d rather be alone than be miserable with someone who makes me feel like crap.

  2. Well, his statement is obvious BS, but with a caveat, maybe? I think it’s normal and natural for *people* – not just men – to find others attractive while in a relationship. But there’s a difference between *finding someone attractive* and *openly lusting after them* AND *making that plain to their partner.*

    Maybe I’m splitting hairs, but seeing an attractive woman on the street and sort of making a mental note of her beauty is one thing, making it obvious how attractive he finds someone else – even if it’s just an IG fantasy – is disrespectful to you and hurtful.

    I know couples who openly discuss other people being attractive, but it’s with an understanding that it’s just a superficial recognition. It’s not them drooling over models online.

  3. In my opinion there is a different level of attraction when you love someone. Yes someone can be attractive but not as attractive as my s/o and I truly think since I met him and fell in love I haven’t met anyone as attractive. It deeply insulting to look at insta models like that because they’re unrealistic and likely don’t look much like you, it feels like you need to change to suit their attraction to these people on ig. It damages confidence and I’m sorry he doesn’t understand that. I hope you have enough love for yourself to know that you are beautiful and if he doesn’t understand he’s hurting you you need to sit him down and tell him. This kind of thing drove me to some extreme measures to change my appearance in the past and it is never worth it. If he loves you he will stop hurting you.

  4. Don’t ever try to compare yourself to those IG models. 90% percent of those pictures you see are photoshop, filtered or plastic surgery. If you have the money and you want to enhance your look, go for it. Just don’t do it for him. Do it for yourself.

    I believe your boyfriend is a loser, who has sexual deviant thoughts he pick up from watching porn.

  5. For me, while that may be true on one face of it– there are plenty of men I’ve found attractive in during the course of my marriage– the part about choosing to be in a committed relationship is that you don’t go looking for other people. You see someone while you are out and find them attractive, that’s one thing– you’ll see them, feel a zing, and then move on and never see them again. Following women on IG feels more like going out and looking for someone to me and I wouldn’t be ok with it either. Plenty of folks, of any gender, are perfectly capable of putting a lid on their pants-feelings for the sake of a committed partner.

  6. Dump him. He’s kinda leading u towards the future that if he were to cheat, it’s because “he’s a man, and men have desires that are too strong”

    I had an ex who followed so many IG models, even commented on their pics. It’s disrespectful.

    Play the reverse card, tell him if it’s okay for u to masturbate to guys pictures from IG I bet u that mindset he has changes real quick!

  7. No no, you can find someone attractive but not be attracted to them. It’s called being a mature, responsible partner.

    Like, for example, I’ve always found Christina Ricci to be exactly my type of woman. Pretty, talented, emotionally complex and a wonderful actress and very kind.

    I’m also married to the love of my life and even IF on the off chance Christina made a pass at me, that’s a hard no. She isn’t my wife. Would I be flattered and my head explode? Sure. But I made vows to my wife that she’s it. Full stop. I don’t care who you are, I don’t care what your intentions, I do not and will not find you attractive.

    Much like art, you can appreciate the most beautiful pieces but they are simply that. To be admired. To be looked at, acknowledged for what it is that I’m looking at fully, but at the end of the day, I don’t want art. I want to go home to my wife.

    Tell your bf to quit being a pig and to stop making excuses to sniff around outside of your relationship. Don’t let that gaslighting blind you, queen.

  8. I don’t look at other men because I am not interested in them. Sure some men do look good, but so do women.
    I just don’t understand why there are people who actively follow naked models on IG and try to force their porn habit on their partner.
    My partner and I are disgusted whenever there are posts on IG. My bf even deleted IG for this. I’ll do that too soon.

    Don’t accept what’s hurting you. You told him how you feel, he doesn’t care. He puts naked IG models over you. Just let him be with unrealistic girls.

  9. >Why do men choose to hurt their women who love them deeply to jerk off to some random female.

    The reality is that as soon as we learn how to masturbate we start jerking off to “random females,” whether it’s girls we saw at school, some random woman on the street, celebrities, etc … our entire adolescence is spent jerking off to thoughts and pictures of women we don’t know and will never have sex with.

    As we get older, that usually changes very little. It’s not about love, and it’s not about you at all—you’re not inadequate.

    It’s very possible for a man to only want to **be with** one woman, but I would say it’s impossible to find only one person on the planet attractive; I think that’s a pretty unreasonable expectation to be honest. If he found (insert celebrity name here) attractive before he met you, he’s not gonna suddenly think she’s ugly cuz he met you—that’s not how attraction works. I find many women attractive, doesn’t mean I’m gonna jerk off to them. Also, despite being straight, I find several male celebrities very attractive—doesn’t mean I wanna fuck ’em. Finding other people *attractive* shouldn’t be seen as a personal insult to you.

    That being said, there’s a world of difference between finding some random woman attractive and making sure your girlfriend is aware that you’re jerking off to her. And he ABSOLUTELY SHOULD NOT be checking out other women while he’s with you—that’s some bullshit that you should not stand for. Your boyfriend, quite frankly, sounds like kind of an idiot to me.

    You have established that certain behaviors upset you. If you don’t mind him jerking off to porn but draw the line at IG models, I think that’s valid and he should fucking stop jerking off to women on IG.

  10. Can we go back to the “IG is mostly porn” bit real quick? Because it really is not, and using any public-facing social media that way is probably contributing to his skewed and frankly childish view of sexuality.

  11. You can appreciate that someone is attractive, but honestly the only person I really see in a sexual light is the person I’m with. Maybe I’m old, but my girlfriend is it for me. The intimacy, the emotional bond of love and trust, that is what makes her sexy to me. She’s pretty, and she’s passionate, and she is intelligent, and she knows who I am inside, and loves me. That can’t be replaced or overcome by surface level beauty. I can appreciate it, but it’s not sexy to me. It doesn’t spark that level of almost magnetic attraction I have for HER.

    I know there are people who are more aesthetically pleasing, that there are literally thousands of models considered prettier than her, but she is beautiful to ME. I get to see her in her totality and appreciate her intimately, and that is a gift I will never stop being grateful for. I don’t know how some guys can just fail to connect, can just take that kind of thing for granted.

    I feel like a lot of guys have this fear of settling, like they keep looking for an upgrade. They fail to recognize their perfect person because they never really look deeper than that surface attraction. They don’t look for someone who completes them, compliments them, who sees them for who they truly are. Maybe they don’t want to connect, maybe they don’t want someone who can touch them that deeply and profoundly, that way they never have to risk getting hurt.

    And maybe I’m reading too much into it and a lot of guys are just shallow creeps who don’t see women as complete people and just want the best arm candy they can manage to pull and are never satisfied with the woman they have.

    Either way, this guy has a problem, he thinks you aren’t enough, and he will cheat if he ever gets the chance.

  12. He doesn’t care that you’re hurt, because he’s an asshole. You’re dating an asshole. Stop dating an asshole.

    “It’s impossible for a woman to only be attracted to one man.”

    Stupid, manipulative, right?

  13. Ummmm yeah!! I think it’s impossible for any human to be **attracted** to only one person. That means that you don’t find anything appealing about 7 billion people out there, just one. No one else has nice eyes, a nice smile, a nice body. Just you. Only you.
    That sounds absolutely insane.

    Now, you are absolutely right, thought you find them attractive, you control yourself. If there is something you don’t like him to do, then tell him. Be honest with him. Does he know about your self esteem? Does he know this affects your self esteem?
    You should totally open up about it all and tell him that though we all find other people attractive, it doesn’t mean you sit there and ejaculate to them lol.

  14. Your boyfriend is clearly unaware of demisexual males. He has also not heard the “phrase” ruined me for all other women” before. Who does he even think he is trying to be the spokes man for every guy in the world?

    With that said it is fine and normal to acknowledge others are attractive. But that does not excuse being rude about it and smearing it all up in your partners face either.

  15. Someone can be attractive but you’re not attracted to them.

    He’s a huge jerk and definitely not someone that truly loves you. I wouldn’t ever be with a man like him. Yuck.

  16. I feel like your bf isn’t just acknowledging their beauty like he claims he is. He’s just using that as an excuse. So you need to follow all of them and jerk off to them to show that? I personally thinks that’s disrespectful as hell and that fact that he’s trying to make you feel about your feelings is horrible. So I’m sure he would be fine then with you following all the thirst trap men of IG as well? Honestly he sounds very immature and pretty self centered if you ask me. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t mean you can’t ever look at anyone else but it means you are committed to that one person and don’t disrespect them or disregard their feelings.

  17. He’s dead wrong. It’s impossible for all sexes to only be attracted to one person. Sure we would all like to believe we are the only one our SO’s will ever be attracted to but that is just unreasonable. But just because you are attracted to someone doesn’t mean you leave your partner. People are attractive. It happens.

  18. I don’t trust anyone who speaks in absolutes. His logic is the same as “all men cheat.” Not only is it untrue, it’s insulting to the rest of his gender. He should just speak for himself and say that he has no self-control. And Instagram is so not the same as any magazine. You can’t have (possible) instant access to a model in a magazine the way you can in someone’s dms. The biggest issue seems to be that he doesn’t respect you enough to care that he’s hurting your feelings by doing this. You deserve better.

  19. This is again an issue of different understanding of what “Being attracted to” means. It seems to you it means love/infatuation/deeper feelings, while his description is only about physical looks. And if that is true then it’s true. Just because you love one person it doesn’t mean you’re gonna stop noticing that other people are physically attractive. There’s also nothing wrong with that.

  20. No not all guys are like this, just him and all the other immature guys who think like this.

    When you genuinely love someone the attraction is different, yes you can acknowledge when someone else is attractive but that’s where it ends. No lust, no wandering thoughts, no sexual anything, because all of that is reserved for your partner.

    You have a right to feel hurt, the person you’re with should make you feel like you’re beautiful and You should feel secure with him not the opposite.

  21. There’s a difference between “there’s many beautiful people in the world” and YOU are you most beautiful person. Sure you’re not the only beautiful girl in the world but that’s something you say to yourself and not your partner. I have started a fairly new relationship (6 months) and I have gotten rid of most of my socials specifically IG because yes when I was a single man for 8 years you gotta find new views and ways to get your rocks off. But when you get into a relationship especially one that is serious you just grow up and know what’s right and what’s wrong and your opinion/view in this is what’s right he needs re evaluate his mindset and spend his IG time on making you feel sexy/loved and not some IG. Plus social media now days is easy access to everything not saying he is talking to these people but if he were to message them and they messaged back about anything sexual it goes from “old playboy magazine” to having a sexual relationship with somebody other than your partner huge red flag imo

  22. Dump him. My ex used to say this and it took me years… after having 2 kids, that it’s code for “if I get the opportunity, I’ll cheat on you.” No woman deserves this. Break up with him…. Next!

  23. Human sexuality is complex and varied. There are people who are attracted to only one person and it sounds like that’s the kind of person you would be most compatible with. He’s projecting how he experiences sexual attraction onto every other man. Everyone is different and any generalization about sexual attraction is simply projection.

  24. OP it sounds like you might be demisexual? Demisexuals generally are only attracted to people they have a close bond with (usually just their partner) and can find an allosexual partner’s attraction to others really hard to cope with and not take personally especially if they have insecurities. In any case your boundaries are your boundaries and if you can’t be happy in a relationship with a guy who follows IG models I would recommend breaking up because it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to change. Statistically speaking there are more female demisexuals than male, but male demis do exist so to say it’s impossible for a man to only be attracted to one person is untrue. This isn’t a man vs woman thing it’s a demi vs allo thing

  25. Bro. You already communicated to him that porn is fine, but you’re uncomfortable with IG. He can find IG models attractive, but to the point where he’s ignoring your boundary? That’s just LOL. GTFO.

  26. I think it’s impossible for any person – man or woman, to only be attracted to one person/ it’s a biological drive, and it just does not work that way. Now it’s possible for a person to only express their attraction to one person- that’s a different thing.

  27. A decade ago I felt the same regarding attraction to others. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized that to me, it doesn’t matter if my spouse wants to look at or masterbate to other people. Its human nature to be attracted to other people. I do it as well but I take that energy back to my spouse for amazing sex, and sometimes we’re even looking together at someone and commenting on attractiveness, what we like about them, etc. This also often leads to something sexual. My perspective changed a lot after having a lot of time for self-reflection and a chance to learn more about myself, my wants, and my needs, etc.

    However, if you have expressed your concerns to your partner and he dismissed them instead of actively listening and discussing, THAT is a red flag that should be addressed. Dismissiveness will only continue in your relationship and will continue to get worse if not corrected. If I were in your position I would at least want to know why IG models are so important to him versus plain old porn. Communication is so important here (and not yelling, arguing, comparing to others, etc). It would be easy to be petty and passive aggressive, but you won’t get far that way, or at least not to any meaningful place in your relationship. Once you have a better understanding of his “why” then share your “why”. “Reasons 1, 2, 3 are why I don’t like this and why it makes me feel disrespected.” If he can’t respect that, you need no further information or discussion.

    Maybe try to offer a compromise? If you’re into it, watch some porn with him and see where things go. Try to figure out what each other likes or new things to try together to keep things exciting. But stand clear and firm in your opposition to IG models specifically.

    I hope you can get to the resolution you most want, OP!

  28. It’s impossible for anyone, man or woman, to be attracted to just one person. If you meet a person who you find attractive, your brain acknowledges that this is an attractive person.

    If you’re an idiot and immature though, you’d assign some value or meaning to that attractiveness.

    If you’re even more stupid, you’d tell your SO that you’re attracted to other people and cause a rift in your relationship.

    I would also dislike it if I knew my SO looked at instagram models because they’re real people that he can interact with, but this isn’t about what I or anyone else finds acceptable, it’s about what YOU find acceptable and what you’re willing to put up with. It’s also about the fact that your boyfriend doesn’t care in the slightest about how you feel.

  29. Everyone is attracted to more than one person…. Massive difference between knowing someone is attractive and following IG butt profiles. Just before I love my girlfriend, doesn’t mean Gal Gadot is suddenly unattractive lmao.

  30. True I think all men want to more sex with different women and it’s a sad thought which makes our lives and staying faithful difficult. Never less I do stay faithful

  31. “Why do men choose to hurt their women who love them deeply to jerk off to some random female”

    This is incredibly controlling behavior. You basically want to tell your bf what he is allowed to think about. Next level controlling.

    And I am not sure what some people think will happen? Are they really concerned he is going to message a girl on IG and be like: “Wow, you are so hawt, I just rubbed one out on your photo. Want to meet up?”

  32. “I thought I was the only one he would have eyes for :(”

    Thios is as naive as it gets. There are PLENTY of desirable men and women out there. And anyone should be free to fantasize and masturbate to whatever he/she wants… its your body and your fantasies, those should not be controlled by anyone. Anyways if you stated a boundary, he should respect it , even if he believes its a non logical boundary. If he does not, its your choice to let it pass or just dump him. TBH if you feel continuously disrespected by your partner… you shuld just dump him and move on.

    “I struggle with self esteem issue ” and “I genuinely don’t look at other guys because I’m happy with him” are the biggest problems here on you ( and some other things you replied in here )… you are inmature and naive when it comes to relationships, I guess you are very young. If you are not going to therapy, I’d sugest you go asap… the things you say about yourself screams that you really need professional help.

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