Thursday, March 23, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy ex found out where I live…

My ex found out where I live…

Context: I’m 26F and my ex is 33M.

I’m terrified. I’ve been staying at my friends house the last 3 days.

My neighbor had told me over the last week, some guy has been coming by my apartment up to 6 times a day while I’m at work to see me. Says he’s a friend and he wants to see me. When I told my neighbor who he was after he explained what the person looked like, my neighbor apologized and said that he would get the guy to leave every time he saw him.

My ex and I have been broken up for 3 months. He was very abusive and manipulative. He was very dependent on me and I let this happen for too long. I thought he’d change but turns out he probably never will…

He keeps texting me, saying he wants the old me back, he misses the old me, he misses his best friend. I ignore his texts. I ignore his calls, I refuse to listen to his voicemails. He’s been texting, calling and messaging my friends on Facebook to try to get me to call or text him back. He even told one of my best friends he was going to take his own life, and to send me his final goodbye. And he knows how triggering that is to me, since I’ve tried taking my life a few times…

And now, he knows where I live. Where I moved and he’s been trying to catch me going to coming from work. I’ve also seen him hanging outside my work, or coworkers tell me he’s hanging around the front entrance to the building. It’s terrifying.

I don’t know what to do. Im afraid to go to work, I’m afraid of being home, I’m afraid of leaving my house. I can’t keep sleeping on my friends couch. I don’t know what to do… I’m terrified of him…

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  1. Have you tried going to the police? Have you tried getting a restraining order?

    You have evidence of harassment (calls, texts, showing up at your house/work, harassing people you know), get a paper trail going with police now.

    If moving is at all possible, see if you can get friends/family to go with you and give you a hand moving. You shouldn’t have to move apartments because of this guy, but unfortunately, he clearly won’t be stopping on his own.

    Good luck OP. Hopefully if/when you get police involved he smartens up and leaves you alone

  2. Honestly, go to the police. Get legal advice. File a restraining order.

    Tell your neighbours and people in the neighbourhood what happened and to give you a call when they see him.

    Get a roommate so you are not alone.


    Above all, get all the help you need and can get. You don’t have to do this alone. Make sure you surround yourself with people you trust.

  3. Not by order but you can :

    – avoid staying by yourself at home for, crash at friends/family for a while or bring in people, let them know of ur situation.
    – if above is no longer an option, reach out to DV shelter for more option to take refuge etc
    – get pepper spray, taser etc for self-defense
    – notify every neighbors that lives around your house perimeters
    – notify some people at workplace if possible
    – lodge a police report and maybe request patrol on the neighborhood
    – file a restraining order
    – get legal advice as what to do
    – lessen any outdoor nighttime activity for a while
    – try to make sure you are always accompanied by someone when ure outside.
    – consider carpooling to and back from work
    – Install security system at ur house if financially capable.

    All the best and sorry that you have to go through this.

  4. See if you can get a ring door bell or any other motion activated camera for your door. File a restraining order. And make sure you park near any cameras. If you have any identifying marks on your car or mail box get rid of them. Try and make it look like you’ve moved as well and if your apartment has a manager try and inform them of what’s going on. Finally buy some pepper spray or bear spray (do some research about what’s practical and sensible for you).

  5. File a restraining order on him.
    Then change your number, make another Facebook account with your middle and mother maiden name, if you can, move. Put all your accounts on private. Contact those website like been verified and remove yourself from there.

    Good luck.

  6. Go to the police!

    File a report and look up filling a protective order against your ex.

    Edit: also tell your employer, they can have him trespassed off the property and arrested

  7. You need to gather all those voice mails, all those calls and messages and contact the police immediately! Like now! This guy has proven that he’s unstable and he can potentially hurt you.

    He can actually kill you, OP. When you go to the police, repeat how unsafe you feel, how you’re scared for your life. Ask them for a restraining order.

  8. You need to get legal advice about what constitutes stalking & harassment in your state, and file a restraining order or whatever else is necessary to begin documentation of this behavior. Please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-7233 and ask them for advice as well. If your workplace has security, you may need to talk to HR about this so security can keep an eye out for him and keep him at least out of the building. If there is a local women’s shelter or domestic violence advocacy group, call them and find out what options they might have for temporary stays. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and I hope your state has the legal infrastructure in place to help protect you from this man.

  9. I know you’re already scared, and I don’t mean to cause you more stress, but please elevate this further and inform the police. Stalking is not always taken as seriously as it needs to be. People who are stalked often become the victims of serious and violent crimes. Don’t engage with him at all. Get professional advice on your next steps.

    Don’t be embarrassed to let as many people as possible know. The more neighbours/colleagues/friends who know, the more people who will be able to raise the alarm if they see him nearby or see you ‘together’.

  10. You need to make noise you need to be proclaing that he is following you you need to draw attention to that he is making you feel unsafe get the police involved

  11. Contact your local DV hotline. You might need to go into a shelter for a bit and change jobs. This is a very dangerous time, you will need to involve the police and try to get a restraining order. Your friend might not be safe if you continue to stay there.

  12. I know a piece of paper won’t protect you if he turns up but do get that restraining order on him.

    Have someone you trust listen and read the voicemail and texts, if he says anything incriminating or self harm use it when you go to the police to get that restraining order but also a welfare check.

    You are not responsible for him he’s an adult.

    Speak to your boss and let them know what’s happening and if you could work from home for now until the issue is resolved. (Assuming your work allows this)

    Get protection for yourself.

    Move from that place, or move in with someone you trust for now. Warn your neighbours about him. The more eyes the better.

    Stay safe OP & all the best.

  13. Restraining order/no contact order. Make copies and give it to your landlord and employer to have on file along with a description of him or a picture. Tell your friends and family that you do not want to hear from or about him and that if they speak about him or try to pass a message along from him, you will end the conversation. Block him any time he pops up, but if he’s harassing you from multiple different numbers, make sure to screenshot any messages before blocking.

    And most importantly, enforce the order. The second he violates it, report it. If he shows up anywhere near you, call the police. Let your landlord and work call in reports as well if he shows up there.

    You have every reason to be concerned for your safety and you need to go on the offensive at this point and keep yourself safe.

  14. Like most redditors said: Geo to the police and get a restraining order.

    Also, get cameras, if it has motion detection better, with cloud backup and just in case, give access to a trusted person.

    It will get you proof, but also will tell you if he has being to your house while your neighbor or you are not home.

  15. Make sure you are not sharing your location. Block on everything. Have the neighbors call the police if they see him again. Have them issue a criminal trespass warning so he gets arrested if he shows up again, speak to the police about an restraining or protective order against him. Protective if he is threatening you or self harm.

    good luck

  16. Call the cops, even if they don’t do anything, it’ll leave a record. Document everything, texts, calls, security camera videos. Tell your neighbor to call the police everytime they see him outside your apartment. Change your number, tell your friends to block him everywhere. Change your social media name and block him everywhere. Also, try looking for a new place and maybe a new job or a job transfer. If you gather enough evidence, get a restraining order. Don’t be alone and explain your situation to anyone that should know.

  17. Save the messages he sends, all of them so you can prove how often he texts you, ask your neighbor if they would be willing to vouch for you, ask family and friends, Keep any proof you got of the abuse and get yourself a restraining order. With that much you should be good and then everytime he comes by he will spend some time behind bars until he gets the message that “old you” isn’t coming back and never will.

    Also to add: the only reason that he wants old you is bc old you didn’t have a backbone and put up with his shit.

  18. All the advice above is great, just wanted to stress notifying your HR department of this extreme situation, not just for yourself (most important) but also to protect your coworkers.

    In the US, Workplaces are to have written workplace violence programs on file. Believe it is an OSHA requirement as of 2021. They need to implement that program for this situation.

    Sorry to put more on your plate but sadly, have heard of way to many people like your Ex, who show up at workplaces and multiple people are harmed.

  19. Everyone’s saying file a restraining order, and they’re not wrong, but exactly what that means varies by state. Where I live, that means getting a TPO (temporary protective order) which costs ~$200 and means eventually there will be a court date and both parties attend. You don’t have to have any reason to file the TPO, but it’s good to be prepared with as much documented proof as you can collect for court later. But I’d look up the specifics for your location, it’s a little different everywhere.

    Sorry you’re going through this, it’s really stressful and confusing and scary. It helps to have someone else around as much as possible. Good luck out there! Stay safe

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