Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy fiance (F27) and I (M28) are on vacation and she is...

My fiance (F27) and I (M28) are on vacation and she is extremely mad at me for something that was a natural reaction.

We are in the carribean at a shop because I was going to buy her a hat but the shop owner was trying to sell me cigars and he lit one for me to try. While she was standing next to me and the guy was talking she accidently put the hat up against the lit cigar (before I bought it or even knew how much it costed). I quickly pushed it away and she dropped the hat on the floor. She picked it up, put it on the counter and then walked away. Now she won’t stop giving me the cold shoulder and when I ask her what’s wrong she says that it was extremely disrespectful to push her hand away like that. How does she not see that it was a natural reaction? Also now she won’t wear the hat because she’s still mad at me.

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  1. Does she understand that you were trying to prevent the hat from being burned? Because if she understands that and she’s still mad at you and still acting childish, i don’t understand why you’d want to be in a relationship with this person. Or maybe there’s more going on here. Ask her, calmly and nicely, “Honey, what’s this really about? You know I was just trying to stop the hat from getting burned, that’s not something to be upset by. So i assume this is about something else. Can you please talk with me about it?”

  2. That’s weird. I once set my hair on fire by accident and my mom started slapping it with her hand to get it out. Seemed like the prudent thing to do.

  3. That sounds like a reaction that is not in line with the severity of the incident. I’m not sure how you’re supposed to resolve that tbh. You could say “I’m sorry you felt disrespected, that was not my intention. I love you” and leave it at that. You should validate her feelings as obviously she was embarrassed and felt a type of way but don’t grovel to that kind of behaviour as it’s not a justified reaction to be giving silent treatment etc

  4. to me it honestly sounds like she was just embarrassed. she did something dumb (which we all do) and maybe she’s embarrassed to take accountability for that, so it’s easier to project it on to you. not saying it’s right, but it sounds very familiar to things i’ve done before.

  5. If this inability or unwillingness to understand your POV and your reasons for doing something, especially something that urgent, is her normal, *good luck with the marriage.* Take it from me, marriages can survive an awful lot just by people being able to sit down and really **listen** to each other with an open mind. You don’t have to agree, but you have to be able to get into the other person’s world and be able to see their reality as being valid for them – and you both have to be self-aware enough to be able to identify and articulate what you were each thinking and feeling, and feel safe enough to share that with your partner. And if people don’t know how to have calm, respectful conversations about this kind of thing, that makes it that much more difficult.

    You also have to trust your partner enough that if something happens that *appears* to be rude, aggressive, etc.. you give them the benefit of the doubt and have a conversation to find out what was really behind it, instead of assuming you can read their mind and already know exactly why they did what they did.

    Having those kind of conversations teaches you a lot about yourself and your partner, and *that’s how you learn more and understand more about how you each see things, and about what works for each of you and what doesn’t.*

    (And if they really were being rude and aggressive, that’s a whole other conversation about the future of the relationship.)

    Please, PLEASE take a hard look at your relationship dynamics, her level of maturity, her (and possibly your) ability to communicate in a respectful way, etc. If y’all go ahead, get married, and have children without the relationship having a stronger basis of maturity and the tools for a healthier one than this, you’re definitely going to regret it.

    (Ask me how I know…)

    Edited: I added another comment on the part where someone suggested this sounds like a reaction that could be due to a history of abuse.

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  7. Is this really the kind of relationship you want to be in? Is this the kind of partnership you want? Separate the reality of the her behavior towards you from the emotions you feel for her, and then you will have your answer.

  8. I’ve always thought when a couple fights over something small and stupid, it’s never about something small and stupid. It’s very likely there is an issue you two aren’t talking about, something beyond pushing her hand. For example, she might have felt humilliated by that (and it’s something she has felt often while with you or other people), she saw something about you earlier, disliked that and didn’t tell you or you haven’t realized you did something wrong and she expects you to notice it.

  9. you didn’t do anything wrong OP, AND she’s allowed to feel some type of way about how you reacted. i’m not your fiancée, but in my experience, when male partners touch you/handle you in a firm way, it’s a bit scary, even if the intention was good. like another commenter said, its like when you step on someone’s toe, you probably didn’t intend to hurt them but you did so you should apologize. i think just having empathy for her would help a lot in this situation. if my male partner allowed space for me feeling triggered/upset after i voice how i felt disrespected, i would feel a lot safer with them and it would definitely deepen my love for them. you don’t have to apologize profusely or anything either, i think just being present with her and allowing her to process it and being intentionally gentle about how you handle her is the way to go. good luck!

  10. Imagine reactions like this for the rest of your life. It’s never about the actual subject, but something else that your fiance doesn’t realize and that you don’t see. Oof.

  11. Just explain it to her calmly, apologize for seeming disrespectful and give her some time. She’s just in her head seeing what you did as annoying and an overreaction. If she’s still mad about it communicate with her some more and if communicating gets nowhere there’s something else bothering her probably.

  12. Getting instantly mad, I might understand…but as soon as she realizes the reason behind your actions…staying mad at you? Nope. Not dealing with such a relationship. Good luck OP.

  13. Her being embarrassed is not an excuse to behave like that. People need to grow up and learn to laugh at themselves once in a while. No one’s perfect. Stop taking yourself so seriously.

  14. If she is still this angry even knowing exactly why you pushed her hand, that’s just immaturity. You sure you want to put up with this when she gets mad over a more serious issue, like her imagining she saw you looking at another woman? You can at least prove why you pushed her hand away this time, what happens when you can’t prove your side in lala land district Court? When people show you who they are, believe them. She expects you to crawl up to her apologizing for a necessary reaction. More pertinent is that she completely understands your perspective and she is still being petty. That’s gonna continue throughout your marriage.

  15. This just seems like a silly little misunderstanding and not something you have to ask Reddit about. Be nice to her and then she’ll be nice back and it’ll be fine, haha

  16. OP – this is minor and should blow over if you explain to her that you were trying to prevent her from lighting the hat on fire from the cigar. And that is all it is. This is not major and please don’t listen to anyone on Reddit telling you to break up over it.

  17. I guess she would be mad at him if he tried to save her life as well!

    “No good deed goes unpunished”

    He needs to drop her as a GF. Too dramatic and childish.

  18. Sounds like a bit immature but you know her more than me, maybe she’s just a bit drama queen and demands attention? Were you a bit drunk?
    My GF sometimes does this in a small scale when drunk: she makes a joke about me, I make one about her and she gets mad or I react a natural way and she gets mad because she would have reacted different (one day she told me some good news about her job, but I was driving home 21pm after working since 8am and was fucking exhausted and I didn’t give her that exact reaction she wanted). Usually this kind of things just get better by themselves, doesn’t take longer than a few minutes or a bit of conversation.
    If it’s taking longer I’d suggest to approach her and have a real conversation, really asking her what she expects from you when you have some natural reaction and how would she react different, pay attention to her and if she does to you something she gave you the cold shoulder for, show her how it’s natural.

  19. It was an emergency situation. That reminds me of the woman who was lying on the bottom of a pool because she fell in, drunk and passed out. She sued the man who jumped in (fully clothed) for the bump she had on her head. Lucky for him there are good samaritan laws that protected him.

    I really don’t understand her logic here.

  20. I have to say I can relate to this. I bought tickets to a concert for my adult daughter and I. The tickets had been moved to the venue sooner than they had told me so I couldn’t get my tickets at the ticket sales office. So we go to the venue and I start talking to the person at the pick up tickets counter. All of a sudden my daughter pushes me aside and takes over. I was furious. I walked away. She was quiet proud of herself because our tickets were no where to be found and the management gave her two tickets on the floor about 10 rows back from the stage. We had words but she stuck to her line of you get to emotional and upset and I knew I would do a better job at resolving this. She couldn’t see how disrespected I felt, embarrassed, and pushed aside like an elderly senile woman who needs to be taken care of! I got over it and enjoyed the concert because nothing is worth holding onto anger for very long!

  21. So, like, in your fiance’s defense, being physically handled (pushed, etc) by a male partner can feel jarring and upsetting even if it’s done with good intentions or as a natural reaction. It might even be less about your reaction of pushing her/the hat, and more about not apologizing and checking in with her after it happened. You didn’t really do wrong here, but you can still make amends over it–it’s like when you accidentally step on someone’s foot and you apologize for it even though it wasn’t intentional. Make sure she knows that you value treating her with care and gentleness going forward, extend some empathy for how she felt disrespected by the situation.

  22. Are you sure this is the woman of your dreams? Has this ever happened before giving you the silent treatment?

    Her behavior doesn’t seem to justify the cause. What I mean is, you saved her and/or the hat from being burned, and instead of saying “thank you” she gets mad at you for being disrespectful. Has she even acknowledged the hat purchase? Your fiancé is what I call “High Maintenance.” If that’s your thing then congratulations on your upcoming wedding. If not, you have a lot of thinking to do.

  23. tell her to grow up … literally a natural reaction to get the hat away ..

    go sit at the bar with a cigar and drink and enjoy !! ol snappy pants will get over it .

  24. Getting upset is one thing, but once she understood the context, she should be been relieved and grateful.

    The fact that she :
    – won’t admit she was wrong
    – won’t let go of her unjustified feelings
    – is prioritizing her pride and ego
    … these are signs of either a bad character, or someone who is making no effort in personal development.

    Do you want your whole life to be YOU apologizing because she will never admit she is wrong and you just want to restore the peace?

    Ask her seriously if this is the life she wants, because you want a partner who respects you and is in turn worthy of your respect, not a princess who wants to be babied.

  25. So is she aware that had you not done that, that it would’ve burnt and you would’ve been liable to pay for it? If it seemed like it was a forceful hit to her hand, I would apologize for that but then state again that she had the hat too close to a lit cigar

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