Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy Fiancé is out of control.

My Fiancé is out of control.

My 34m fiancé 32f is completely out of control. We have been together for about 6 years and engaged for 1. Throughout the relationship I got through college and started my 9-5 job in accounting, working my way up, and I now make 78k a year. In the Early years she was great, working at a local sub shop about 50 hours a week basically running the store. She was a great partner and friend, always contributing physically and financially. She used to enjoy cooking. She now works 3 days a week at a daycare and claims she is a teacher. She has put on a significant amount of weight (Very overweight) brings in 200$ a week and spends it all on stupid shit. More pajamas, cat toys, cigarettes, and DoorDash (for herself) etc. She is always invested in some new show and sits on the couch and eats junk. If I mention her getting work it gets ugly and she keeps just telling me she has a job she is a teacher and she’s raising the youth. She babysits for 15 hours a week. Her hygiene is bad her attitude sucks and she just doesn’t do anything. There is no drugs or drinking involved , just Netflix and DoorDash. I don’t know how to make the next move. I love her and wish could get back to the person she was before all this. It started after we got engaged. Anyways thanks for reading and any advice will help! Thank you.

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  1. Explain you have seen a change in her. Ask her if emotionally she is ok because the things that you were attracted to her by have slipped away.
    List her drive to work and her motivation.
    You don’t see this working if she is lounging around.
    Ask her if he was to do the same, how would she feel?

  2. Honestly, she probably won’t go back to the person she was when you started dating. I would break this off before you’re married and it’s too late. You don’t want to be 5 years into a marriage and really regret your decision.

  3. 6 years together may seem like a long time, but it really isn’t. If you live to be 80, 6 years is 7.5% percent of your life. Don’t waste anymore time trying to fix someone/thing that isn’t worth more time and effort. Move on, be happy, and find someone who appreciates you

  4. To me she sounds seriously depressed. Maybe all she needs is to get therapy and talk things out so you guys can come up with a game plan. If she refuses to change then I would break it off

  5. Former mental health worker here. Do you know why we don’t allow adults to call and schedule a therapy appointment for another adult? Because the individual has to want to get help for themselves. Therapy isn’t just an appointment once a week. It’s hard work to look at yourself and fix the things that need to be made better, and that’s a daily process. You can’t “straighten out” your fiancée. She has to recognize that her behavior is hurting herself and you and want to make the changes and stick with them.

    So what can you do? You can communicate your feelings and needs, draw boundaries to protect your own mental and emotional health, and make it clear what does and does not work for your life. There isn’t going to be a perfect time to have that conversation because you’re dealing with someone who doesn’t seem to want to hear what you have to say. But you still need to say it. I would strongly recommend that you tell her that counseling — individual or couples — is a condition of you continuing in the relationship. If she refuses then you can work towards exiting the relationship. She will continue her path of draining you until you draw the line and tell her no. You deserve better.

  6. She might be struggling with depression, I’d sit her down and explain how much she’s changed and ask her if she’s willing to talk to a professional about these changes. If she won’t accept there’s a problem and won’t get help you shouldn’t stay. Depression and mental illness is not her fault but getting help is her responsibility and if it’s negatively effecting those around her it’s not on anyone to stick around

  7. Depression. Expect her to think she is fine, initially, and even get defensive. But keep at it and see if she will get some help and support. But this 100% sounds like textbook depression. I also don’t know how long it’s been morphing in this direction, but 3 intense pandemic years will really mess with someone’s head and impacts everyone differently; I had, looking back, very severe depression with super similar symptoms to what you’re describing without really realizing I was depressed until my partner kept nudging me that the way I was living wasn’t good for me. I’d argue back, but after a bit took it to heart, got some help, and subsequently got my ass into gear and got myself back.

    You’ve been with her for 6 years. You know at your core whether this is who she is, or a state of being. Push her to get some help.

  8. So, she has changed and is no longer a partner to you, and is no longer the person you fell in love with. You don’t want to marry this person.

    If there is a wedding, put it off or cancel.

    Because of the financial dependence on you and your housing and also the entitlement attitude, things may very quickly escalate to moving her out. She will likely need to realize that she cannot afford the lifestyle she is living, and life consequences are the only motivators that work.

    Please also try to get her some therapy help or suggest it to her family/friends if they also have noticed her decline.

  9. Do you love her as she is now or who she was?

    If not for who she is now and she has no desire to change then you need out.

    If you do not enjoy recreational time together
    If you do not find her attractive
    If you do not have an effective domestic partner
    If she does not pull even close to her own weight around the house or in finances due to her own choices

    Then why the hell are you in this? For the memory of someone who isn’t there anymore?

    I don’t see the part of things that is still intact in your post. Her and the woman you proposed to share a name. What else is still good?

  10. I think it sounds like she’s depressed or dealing with some bad anxiety. When my mental health is struggling, I always feel super busy even when I’m doing nothing. In my case, I’m not making an excuse to avoid something I don’t want to do, I legitimately feel busy/overwhelmed with everything I have on my plate and end up shutting down and doing nothing because I can’t handle the pressure I put on myself. Perhaps the engagement has caused her to put too much pressure on herself so she’s shut down?

    I would sit down with her and tell her you need to have a serious talk. If she can’t do it in the moment, get her to agree to a day and time and hold her to it. Then express your concerns. Don’t tiptoe around what you have to say but make sure you don’t attack, you have to find a balance between the two. I hope that makes sense.

  11. Your fiancé is depressed. Not caring about hygiene, changes in routine, this is textbook stuff. She needs help.

    That said, she needs to want to be helped.

    As much as ultimatums are a last resort, it is ultimatum time. It’s time to sit down with her, turn off the tv, not while eating, no distractions, and have a real talk.

    “Fiancé, I love you. I’m very worried about you. You have changed dramatically as a person in the last year. You’ve become mean and uncaring. You aren’t keeping yourself clean and taking care of yourself. I am so worried about you, because I care about you, and I care about us. If I’m being honest, the changes in you really have me feeling lost in this relationship. I have major concerns about going forward with our wedding because you aren’t in a good place. I want to work together to help you. To help us. Would you be open to making an appointment with a professional, either for you or for a couples counselor, so we can figure out how to navigate this?”

    Keep asking her questions about how she feels. If she opens up some, validate her feelings. She knows she gained weight, she likely feels awful about it. If she opens the door to be supportive, jump to be supportive. But draw a clear line: there must be help and there must be change.

    If she can’t agree to those kind of basic moves, if she can’t see that you are being hurt, then she’s no longer in a position to make the relationship a priority in life, and you should stop the wedding asap and get yourself out of the situation.

  12. Honestly sounds like depression, could just be laziness, but the hygiene thing makes me wonder. Like it makes you not want to work or really take care of yourself, just stay inside and watch tv for me.

  13. To me, it seems like she is looking forward to you being the main financial provider in the family, hence why she no longer pushes herself to work. Now that you’re engaged, she figures you’ll stay with her, I mean, you’ve already invested 6 years into the relationship, her bad hygiene shouldn’t stop that now. She is showing you what married life will be like. So, do you want to spend the rest of your lives together resenting her for living off your income how she wants?

    You can try an ultimatum: therapy (couples and singles), or break off the engagement. I dont see it working, ultimatums rarely do. So I highly recommend breaking off the engagement. 6 years is nothing if you live to 80, so go find someone who actual appreciates you for who you are, not the money you make. Find someone to spend the rest of your life with, not this woman.

  14. She might be depressed, or something going on to cause the change. If your unhappy in the relationship, try couples counseling, work on boundaries. If she’s unwilling to work on the relationship, well, it takes 2 to tango.

  15. I’m a daycare teacher. I work part time teaching the youth.
    It’s not babysitting and it is a real job.

    She sounds depressed, and if you belittle her in other ways than I can see why.

    Not saying she’s not at fault, but that little detail stuck out to me. Just based off the job comment and the way you built up your accomplishments it’s clear you see yourself as better than her.

    Sometimes, especially when battling depression, we only see ourselves in the scope of someone else. If no one values you, you don’t value yourself.

  16. OK as an ECE your comment is super degrading. Even if shes an assistant, she is teaching them! With or without a degree she is a teacher. That is the title used. It sure as hell doesn’t say babysitter as her job title.

  17. Ugh – that’s hard.

    People change throughout their lives – they have experiences that change them, they have health issues that change them, and they learn things that change their expectations. But when it happens suddenly, it can be jarring. I have sympathy for you.

    Is it possible that she’s having health issues? Did she bang her head a while back and slowly start to change? Has she developed any new health conditions? Did she have a traumatic experience at the store? Is she on any different medications? All of these things could lead to her making different choices.

    It could also be that once she got engaged, she felt safe enough to try doing something that she really wanted to do, rather than busting her ass for barely above minimum wage, fifty hours a week. And she chose teaching youth, but it’s going slowly. She may be embarrassed about how slowly it’s going, and rather than talking to you about it, she’s coping by “buying stupid shit” and “doing nothing” – because it’s easier than admitting that she was trying something and that it’s harder than she thought it would be.

    Or, it could be that, once you two got engaged, she felt that she was in a place where she could indulge herself more, because she was more secure with you around to “take care of her”. When you try to talk to her about it, it “gets ugly” because she might not want to have to continue to bust her ass now that she’s going to be married.

    Or, maybe she’s afraid to get married, because it’s scary, and overwhelming, and means that she’s actually grown up, and she’s afraid that you’ll get tired of her afterwards when she changes and gets older. Or she’s afriad that, as a wife, you’ll expect her to take care of 90% of your lives together, and she doesn’t want to deal with that thought, or talk it over with you.

    Or, maybe she changed jobs because she was traumatized by (being robbed/harassed by customer(s)/harassed by co-worker or boss/sick of being afraid to finish work and go home after dark/etc.) or just fucking burnt out by working 50+ hrs a week for minimum wage. If this is the case, her behaviours would be trauma coping mechanisms, and her defensiveness could similarly be a way of keeping from having to actually deal w what happened.

    The reality is – you don’t know why things changed. She’s not “out of control” – she’s doing exactly what she wants. She’s not doing what **you want**. (And the way that you put this warrants a separate set of questions for you to think about and ask yourself about how you think a relationship works.) If you do love her (and I believe you do), and want her to be safe, healthy, happy and fulfilled, then it’s time to sit down with her, and have an adult conversation where you calmly and respectfully ask why things changed from how they were. And what her plans are for the next while in her life. Don’t give her ultimatums. Don’t shame her for her choices. Don’t demand that she change back. Just ask why, and let her know how you feel about it. (Boundaries are good – they’re about what you will and will not accept in your life. Controlling someone is bad – that’s when you tell someone what to do and what not to do. Saying “I feel…” statements is boundary setting. Saying “You can’t…” is controlling. It’s a tricky balance.)

    Regardless – she’s changed. And unfortunately, she’s never going to go back to being the person that she used to be – because that’s not how life works. We live, we experience, we learn, and we change. In a healthy relationship, we talk to our partners about it as it happens. But the bottom line is that the person that she is behaving like is incompatible with what you want in a life partner.

    If she won’t talk to you about it, like a respected peer, or if she won’t do anything about it after being told that it makes her unattractive to you, then you are completely within your rights to decide that you don’t want to marry her. Just as she would be within her rights to choose not to marry you for trying to control her and her choices or to expect her to do everything for you, like so many other men do.

    OP – I sympathize, and I hope that you get a positive resolution of your situation. It sounds difficult, and painful, and sad. Good luck.

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  19. Is this your gf or your child? The way you talk about her is insanely condescending.
    She *does* have a job and it *does* involve teaching. Teaching very basic things, but still teaching. It’s also really stressful taking care of small kids.

    She does need to pick up more hours, but saying ‘hey could you pick up more hours’ is a hell of a lot different from ‘I don’t respect your job, your work, or your effort.’

  20. It sounds to me that there could be something else going on, inside her thoughts, and maybe she doesn’t want or can’t share how it feels.

    I can only speak from personal experience, but it sounds like the two of you were trying to build a nice life together-then something happened inside and it’s not the same for her. She doesn’t sound like she wants the same things as you anymore-almost like she’s growing beside you, not with you.

    Honestly, if you truly love her, confront her. I would start by sitting down with her and confidently but kindly admit that what you’re seeing isn’t the true her. Express that you’re concerned because you love her. Then, I would let her know that you will support her as she ventures out of this little “rut” she’s in.

    It can be little things such as cooking with her, helping her pick out sweet smelling soaps and helping her look for better jobs in a similar field. Perhaps, she wants to be a teacher and you could help guide her in that profession.

    Personally, I believe relationships are 100 vs 100 percent. That each person may have a low point but that the partner gives them 100% of what they can—it may be extra work, but to be with someone you love and provide happiness can be good.

    At least, that’s what I think could be happening! Good luck! ❤️

  21. Honestly, it sounds like she’s depressed. It’s possible that she doesn’t even see it like that as depression doesn’t always present as sadness, etc. I’d have an honest talk with her and tell her you’re worried about her based on everything you mentioned above.

  22. This sounds like a serious depressive slump to me—especially given that it is such a departure from her previous behavior. Maybe tell her that you are concerned about her and suggest that she pursues counseling? It will be important to approach it kindly rather than accusatorially.

  23. From the timing it sounds like maybe she was looking to rope herself a man and once you proposed she stopped trying.

    Could 100% be other things though.

    Do NOT have kids with her until this is resolved.

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