My fiancé won’t have sex with me if I get the vaccine

Sorry for any typos, writing on my phone at 2 a.m just upset. My (32f), fiance (31m) have been together for 11 years. We met when we I was 16 but did not date until I was 20/21. Recently we have had many arguments since the vaccine came out. He believes its unsafe and will compromise the future health of whomever receives it. He also believes some other non traditional ideas like 5g towers caused covid and biden may be a clone and keeps rederencing the rockafellas. It almost sounds like he may be Qanon but does not hold all the beliefs. He started this a few months before the vaccine came out and ever since he has been mad at me for not believing in the same things he does. I always tell him as long as he is not hurting anyone and remains who he is at heart, then I still love him,  but still will not agree with him in those things. I understand what he believes, I just do not agree…but do not hate him for it at all. 

He would have nights where he would wake up with panic attacks and crying because he was scared that I would get sick and die from the vaccine. I am not vaccinated yet due to medical reasons but will become eligible for one once I receive a particular surgery. In the meantime I have not left my home except for doctors appointments. I am very high risk for serious complications if I ever were to get covid. I couldn’t even visit my grandmother on her death bed a few weeks ago because I was advised to stay away from hospitals and public transportation/ubers. This proved to be accurate because the weekend before my grandmother passed, it turns out that my aunt (who was her caretaker and always there) had covid. My sister went with her child and husband and was upset that no one was continuously getting tested, but they were vaccinated so not much worry. Also I should mention on 2 other family gatherings (we mostly meet for holidays) before this that I did not attend that family members also had covid during those events without knowing.

My fiance kept thinking that I wouldn’t get the vaccine because I did express concerns, despite me telling him that yes I was worried about the effects but I thought it was safer to get the vaccine to make sure I or other people do not get sick. He constantly throws my worries back in my face, and I always respond that just because I am worried does not mean I will not get the vaccine once I have my surgery. 

So for a couple years he has been expressing his anger over my decision or his hate for the vaccine and calling everyone “sheep” who receive it. He keeps telling me to “wake up”. But it came to head when he expressed (during an argument that had nothing to do with the vaccine) that he would feel unsafe having sex with me if I were vaccinated. The argument started because we planned on moving to Montreal where I have family. After I planned everything, got an apartment, promised to sublet from my cousin, and got a job offer from a mentor of mine, he tells me we can’t move because the “the world won’t be where I think it”ll be and it will be unsafe to make a big move right now because the world is falling apart”.  So basically he vetoed the move after months of planning and finding citizenship lawyers, a home, job, etc. Of course I was shocked and kind of humiliated and shamed for wanting the vaccine so I could see my family and friends.

He said that the vaccine causes your DNA to alter and can transmit disease and illness to other people. He says he is afraid of other people in public areas who are vaccinated because they will get him sick. We have been arguing about this for almost a year and a half. But now we are moving out of our current apartment and I am wondering if we should even move in together again. 

This hesitation came because he has anger problems when he is drinking (not often but more often since he started down the vaccine rabbit hole amd because I don’t agree with him even after he shows me his medical finding) and yells like a maniac and won’t listen to anything I try to say or pacify…which eventually leads to me feeling like a caged animal and I yell back,  sort of..my voice hurts when I yell, and say sort of mean things. For example I said men who scream at women are weak because “they’re a man and try to talk over a woman”…which incidentally his brother and father do…they are abusive to their partners. We live with his oldest brother (not voluntarily) and beneath his other family..(yes living with in laws is terrible)..but ever since we moved here his anger has progressively gotten worse and mimick these men who we have heard say and yell awful things to their gf/wife. They believe in “putting a woman in their place”. He has seen his father “put his mother in her place” all jis life. So I asked him before we move, could he please start therapy so I dont feel so unsafe and so he can control his anger. He did not agree or disagree but had some hesitation.

Well tonight we were arguing and he said I don’t take his concerns seriously (he tends to talk generally when arguing and not about the actual argument that started the whole thing) and I told him he never took my concerns about intimacy seriously after he said he didnt know if he wanted to have sex after I get vaccinated. He just never brought it up again and acted like everythint was fine. And I asked him if there was any point of him getting therapy before we move since he may not want to have sex after we move (which to me will end the relationship. I love being intimate with my partner and think it’s very important). He skimmed the question and said he “already did his research” and that I wont read the research if he sends it to me. I have asked him to ask his community that also have this belief if they would really give up sex because of the vaccine..I’ve been asking for months. But apparently he already did his research and came up with his answer. It’s a no. No sex if I get vaccinated. I think he withheld this information because I have always been the main breadwinner while he was always getting fired. I feel like he was just trying to get under the new lease so I couldn’t break up with him once I did get the vaccine. So I asked the question several more times….becauseof course, it’s been 11 years, isn’t he still in love with me?…but bbn apparently I am expected to be in a lifelong marriage without sex or any type of intimacy including kissing. And I am somehow suppose to be okay with this and “respect his beliefs”. 

I honestly think he is just not in love with me after all this time. And since we moved in near his inlaws, both of our mental health has taken a nose dive…for me this means I gained weight…and I no longer leave the house since covid began and school and work were remote so I don’t dress up or do makeup. He got fired right before covid for poor performance and too many absences (which happened with every job he has had). He has never had to worry about how we would pay bills or if we would get evicted because it was always up to me to figure it out. I think this is whats happeing now…he doesn’t love me anymore, isn’t attracted to me anymore and just wants me to take care of him since I so everything anyway. I asked him if he still even loved me and still found me attractive since I gained more weight. He flipped out and called that a “you problem” and it’s not his fault if I feel this way and I need to work that problem out on my own. 

Here is where I may be the asshole. After he admitted he won’t be having sex with me after vaccinating, he said he felt like I refused to listen to the proof that he had and that I am dismissing what he knows to be true and won’t give him a chance to explain. I told him I’m ending the conversation and there is no point to me listening like a partner listens and cares like I always do, because what all this boils down to is that we will never be intimate ever again since he decided it to be so. I tild him to “stop f***ing talking because there clearly is no point since he decided we wont be f***ing anymore. Then I turned up the TV to full blast while he was still yelling. I sipped my wine and my face went blank and completely ignored him. I don’t know if I should have listened to his reasoning or not before being flippant. I feel like I have been super understanding of his views and tried to see where he was coming from..but this seems like just too much. So I told him he can move into a property my dad manages..no rent…and I will move in with my mom (we planned on getting an apartment together since she doesn’t want to be alone now since my grandma passed and she needs company just foe now, and it would also help us both save some money for future homes). I told him I would help him buy whatever he needs to get set up and be okay at his new place. But he is still mad that I won’t “hear his side of his beliefs”. 

I feel like I have sacrificed so much in these last 11 years to just be told “I’m not having sex with you if you don’t do what I say and not get the vaccine”. I was in school full time and working full time while he lived with me and my family. He didn’t want to work while in school, so fine I worked and paid our way. He dropped out of school because it wasn’t for him which is fine college isn’t for everyone and there are plenty of jobs and skills available out there. He kept getting fired and not going to work because he said he was depressed, and I said okay I am depressed too but I understand everyone manifests their depression in different ways so I won’t push him too much to work (but would still tell him ne needs to try harder because I did not make that much money at my job). Whenever he did get fired I said it was okay, to just take a few months rest time to rejuvenate yourself to find a new job. It would be usually a year between each job.  He would work for a year or less then be off for a year or less (all part time since I had a full time salary that made a little more than minimum wage but still better than part time, and I maintained the bills and groceries, phones, toiletries etc. When it came time for me to transfer to my dream University from my community college (which required more hours and in class courses), my mum said okay just have my fiance work part time and pay for groceries and she wouldn’t charge rent or utility fees. We said okay and since he stopped college he has been wanting to learn about software engineering and said he could do it online. He never ended up doing that. I ended up getting refunds from my school for living expenses. It was a long and anxious process but it worked thank goodness. 

He used to want to gain the software engineering skill but now he says he may not want to because he got into cryptocurrency and we will be rich soon. So he will not be gaining a new skill, and if he does get a job it will not be enough to contribute meaningfully to bills. We live in Boston, MA…and if you don’t know the costs of apartments and to buy a home is through the roof. A report came out recently that said in order to buy a typical Boston home, you need to make a salary of $181k. My mothers home (which was a duplex in terrible shape) sold for 800k for both sides together…but now the new owner gutted and renovated and each side separately sold for 700k….and yes…thats per each side. And each side is just regular apartment size in a what used to be a low income neighborhood. But you get my point. It’s too expensive to just hope that the crypto you buy will make you a millionaire. Also regarding sacrificing things, I gave up a lot of food choices because he is extremely picky with food. I mean some nights (maybe once a month) I cook something that I like. Maybe ramen with an egg, bean sprouts, bok choy, mushrooms, seaweed, shrimp, spinach, cilantro etc…and he won’t eat anything but the noodle, then complain he is hungry later on in the night. But he only eats chicken, some types of pasta, potatoes..and just variations of that in general. I feel like I just gave up so much of who I was or just my time to make sure we were okay and healthy. I even bought my own engagement ring after begging him to propose properly for years since he said he wanted to marry me but didn’t try to get a ring (I got a lab made diamond for 200 which I love). When he said he was too depressed and the environment we were in was too stresseful to propose, I said okay I understand. But it’s been so long and we have never been in a non stressful environment. Then all my sacrifices and just putting up with a lot of nonsense gets ignored because I want the vaccine? 

Am I crazy? Should I really jeopardize 11 years? I have begged and groveled for him to just love me, yes I am ashamed but I did it anyway. I always ask him what can I do better or what I’ve done wrong. He only has ever said I don’t listen, but I always repeat back to him what he says and then I say my counterpoint or opinion (a result of constantly doing rebuttals in research papers) He is  normally such a kind person, and I understand why he gets angry when he drinks sometimes and why he is depressed. But this whole intimacy thing just seems like too much to put up with. It feels like it’s personal and I’m either just a punching bag (I feel like this when we argue, he says things just to cause hurt rather than have a discussion), or that he simply just does not care at all. 

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