Saturday, April 1, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy fiancé won't have sex with me if I get the vaccine

My fiancé won’t have sex with me if I get the vaccine

Sorry for any typos, writing on my phone at 2 a.m just upset. My (32f), fiance (31m) have been together for 11 years. We met when we I was 16 but did not date until I was 20/21. Recently we have had many arguments since the vaccine came out. He believes its unsafe and will compromise the future health of whomever receives it. He also believes some other non traditional ideas like 5g towers caused covid and biden may be a clone and keeps rederencing the rockafellas. It almost sounds like he may be Qanon but does not hold all the beliefs. He started this a few months before the vaccine came out and ever since he has been mad at me for not believing in the same things he does. I always tell him as long as he is not hurting anyone and remains who he is at heart, then I still love him,  but still will not agree with him in those things. I understand what he believes, I just do not agree…but do not hate him for it at all. 

He would have nights where he would wake up with panic attacks and crying because he was scared that I would get sick and die from the vaccine. I am not vaccinated yet due to medical reasons but will become eligible for one once I receive a particular surgery. In the meantime I have not left my home except for doctors appointments. I am very high risk for serious complications if I ever were to get covid. I couldn’t even visit my grandmother on her death bed a few weeks ago because I was advised to stay away from hospitals and public transportation/ubers. This proved to be accurate because the weekend before my grandmother passed, it turns out that my aunt (who was her caretaker and always there) had covid. My sister went with her child and husband and was upset that no one was continuously getting tested, but they were vaccinated so not much worry. Also I should mention on 2 other family gatherings (we mostly meet for holidays) before this that I did not attend that family members also had covid during those events without knowing.

My fiance kept thinking that I wouldn’t get the vaccine because I did express concerns, despite me telling him that yes I was worried about the effects but I thought it was safer to get the vaccine to make sure I or other people do not get sick. He constantly throws my worries back in my face, and I always respond that just because I am worried does not mean I will not get the vaccine once I have my surgery. 

So for a couple years he has been expressing his anger over my decision or his hate for the vaccine and calling everyone “sheep” who receive it. He keeps telling me to “wake up”. But it came to head when he expressed (during an argument that had nothing to do with the vaccine) that he would feel unsafe having sex with me if I were vaccinated. The argument started because we planned on moving to Montreal where I have family. After I planned everything, got an apartment, promised to sublet from my cousin, and got a job offer from a mentor of mine, he tells me we can’t move because the “the world won’t be where I think it”ll be and it will be unsafe to make a big move right now because the world is falling apart”.  So basically he vetoed the move after months of planning and finding citizenship lawyers, a home, job, etc. Of course I was shocked and kind of humiliated and shamed for wanting the vaccine so I could see my family and friends.

He said that the vaccine causes your DNA to alter and can transmit disease and illness to other people. He says he is afraid of other people in public areas who are vaccinated because they will get him sick. We have been arguing about this for almost a year and a half. But now we are moving out of our current apartment and I am wondering if we should even move in together again. 

This hesitation came because he has anger problems when he is drinking (not often but more often since he started down the vaccine rabbit hole amd because I don’t agree with him even after he shows me his medical finding) and yells like a maniac and won’t listen to anything I try to say or pacify…which eventually leads to me feeling like a caged animal and I yell back,  sort voice hurts when I yell, and say sort of mean things. For example I said men who scream at women are weak because “they’re a man and try to talk over a woman”…which incidentally his brother and father do…they are abusive to their partners. We live with his oldest brother (not voluntarily) and beneath his other family..(yes living with in laws is terrible)..but ever since we moved here his anger has progressively gotten worse and mimick these men who we have heard say and yell awful things to their gf/wife. They believe in “putting a woman in their place”. He has seen his father “put his mother in her place” all jis life. So I asked him before we move, could he please start therapy so I dont feel so unsafe and so he can control his anger. He did not agree or disagree but had some hesitation.

Well tonight we were arguing and he said I don’t take his concerns seriously (he tends to talk generally when arguing and not about the actual argument that started the whole thing) and I told him he never took my concerns about intimacy seriously after he said he didnt know if he wanted to have sex after I get vaccinated. He just never brought it up again and acted like everythint was fine. And I asked him if there was any point of him getting therapy before we move since he may not want to have sex after we move (which to me will end the relationship. I love being intimate with my partner and think it’s very important). He skimmed the question and said he “already did his research” and that I wont read the research if he sends it to me. I have asked him to ask his community that also have this belief if they would really give up sex because of the vaccine..I’ve been asking for months. But apparently he already did his research and came up with his answer. It’s a no. No sex if I get vaccinated. I think he withheld this information because I have always been the main breadwinner while he was always getting fired. I feel like he was just trying to get under the new lease so I couldn’t break up with him once I did get the vaccine. So I asked the question several more times….becauseof course, it’s been 11 years, isn’t he still in love with me?…but bbn apparently I am expected to be in a lifelong marriage without sex or any type of intimacy including kissing. And I am somehow suppose to be okay with this and “respect his beliefs”. 

I honestly think he is just not in love with me after all this time. And since we moved in near his inlaws, both of our mental health has taken a nose dive…for me this means I gained weight…and I no longer leave the house since covid began and school and work were remote so I don’t dress up or do makeup. He got fired right before covid for poor performance and too many absences (which happened with every job he has had). He has never had to worry about how we would pay bills or if we would get evicted because it was always up to me to figure it out. I think this is whats happeing now…he doesn’t love me anymore, isn’t attracted to me anymore and just wants me to take care of him since I so everything anyway. I asked him if he still even loved me and still found me attractive since I gained more weight. He flipped out and called that a “you problem” and it’s not his fault if I feel this way and I need to work that problem out on my own. 

Here is where I may be the asshole. After he admitted he won’t be having sex with me after vaccinating, he said he felt like I refused to listen to the proof that he had and that I am dismissing what he knows to be true and won’t give him a chance to explain. I told him I’m ending the conversation and there is no point to me listening like a partner listens and cares like I always do, because what all this boils down to is that we will never be intimate ever again since he decided it to be so. I tild him to “stop f***ing talking because there clearly is no point since he decided we wont be f***ing anymore. Then I turned up the TV to full blast while he was still yelling. I sipped my wine and my face went blank and completely ignored him. I don’t know if I should have listened to his reasoning or not before being flippant. I feel like I have been super understanding of his views and tried to see where he was coming from..but this seems like just too much. So I told him he can move into a property my dad rent…and I will move in with my mom (we planned on getting an apartment together since she doesn’t want to be alone now since my grandma passed and she needs company just foe now, and it would also help us both save some money for future homes). I told him I would help him buy whatever he needs to get set up and be okay at his new place. But he is still mad that I won’t “hear his side of his beliefs”. 

I feel like I have sacrificed so much in these last 11 years to just be told “I’m not having sex with you if you don’t do what I say and not get the vaccine”. I was in school full time and working full time while he lived with me and my family. He didn’t want to work while in school, so fine I worked and paid our way. He dropped out of school because it wasn’t for him which is fine college isn’t for everyone and there are plenty of jobs and skills available out there. He kept getting fired and not going to work because he said he was depressed, and I said okay I am depressed too but I understand everyone manifests their depression in different ways so I won’t push him too much to work (but would still tell him ne needs to try harder because I did not make that much money at my job). Whenever he did get fired I said it was okay, to just take a few months rest time to rejuvenate yourself to find a new job. It would be usually a year between each job.  He would work for a year or less then be off for a year or less (all part time since I had a full time salary that made a little more than minimum wage but still better than part time, and I maintained the bills and groceries, phones, toiletries etc. When it came time for me to transfer to my dream University from my community college (which required more hours and in class courses), my mum said okay just have my fiance work part time and pay for groceries and she wouldn’t charge rent or utility fees. We said okay and since he stopped college he has been wanting to learn about software engineering and said he could do it online. He never ended up doing that. I ended up getting refunds from my school for living expenses. It was a long and anxious process but it worked thank goodness. 

He used to want to gain the software engineering skill but now he says he may not want to because he got into cryptocurrency and we will be rich soon. So he will not be gaining a new skill, and if he does get a job it will not be enough to contribute meaningfully to bills. We live in Boston, MA…and if you don’t know the costs of apartments and to buy a home is through the roof. A report came out recently that said in order to buy a typical Boston home, you need to make a salary of $181k. My mothers home (which was a duplex in terrible shape) sold for 800k for both sides together…but now the new owner gutted and renovated and each side separately sold for 700k….and yes…thats per each side. And each side is just regular apartment size in a what used to be a low income neighborhood. But you get my point. It’s too expensive to just hope that the crypto you buy will make you a millionaire. Also regarding sacrificing things, I gave up a lot of food choices because he is extremely picky with food. I mean some nights (maybe once a month) I cook something that I like. Maybe ramen with an egg, bean sprouts, bok choy, mushrooms, seaweed, shrimp, spinach, cilantro etc…and he won’t eat anything but the noodle, then complain he is hungry later on in the night. But he only eats chicken, some types of pasta, potatoes..and just variations of that in general. I feel like I just gave up so much of who I was or just my time to make sure we were okay and healthy. I even bought my own engagement ring after begging him to propose properly for years since he said he wanted to marry me but didn’t try to get a ring (I got a lab made diamond for 200 which I love). When he said he was too depressed and the environment we were in was too stresseful to propose, I said okay I understand. But it’s been so long and we have never been in a non stressful environment. Then all my sacrifices and just putting up with a lot of nonsense gets ignored because I want the vaccine? 

Am I crazy? Should I really jeopardize 11 years? I have begged and groveled for him to just love me, yes I am ashamed but I did it anyway. I always ask him what can I do better or what I’ve done wrong. He only has ever said I don’t listen, but I always repeat back to him what he says and then I say my counterpoint or opinion (a result of constantly doing rebuttals in research papers) He is  normally such a kind person, and I understand why he gets angry when he drinks sometimes and why he is depressed. But this whole intimacy thing just seems like too much to put up with. It feels like it’s personal and I’m either just a punching bag (I feel like this when we argue, he says things just to cause hurt rather than have a discussion), or that he simply just does not care at all. 

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  1. Just because you’ve been with him 11 years doesn’t mean you need to stay with him.

    SUNK COST FALLACY. Learn what this is because you’re falling victim to it. Would you hesitate to dump him if he was cavalier with your health, his work, didn’t have goals or direction but you were only dating for a few months?

  2. I couldn’t get past the abuse in paragraph six so I didn’t read it all. Just leave him. He’s dangerous to you; if he doesn’t start hitting you before marriage he certainly will afterwards, and the fact that he’s willing to leave you isolated and endangered from the world bc of truly idiotic conspiracies means that his bullshit “politics” are more important to him than you. Leave him, get your own place, have your surgery, get your vax, and go to Montreal. Live your life.

  3. I tried to read to the end. I really did. But this man is a motherfcking mess and you need to break up with him IMMEDIATELY. For your own health and sanity.

  4. JFC. So, he’s a nutjob, sexist, manipulative, lives off you… You wouldn’t be jeopardazing anything, you’d setting yourself free. Do you want the rest of your life to be like this?

  5. Pack your bags and go to Montreal, without him. Get your plans made quietly so there is no time to debate or be talked out of it. I’m confident you will heave a giant sigh of relief once you set off.

  6. So you are immunocompromised?

    He won’t have the vaccine because he’s a fuckwit so he is putting YOU at risk Every. Single. Day by going out when he is unvaccinated and risks bringing it home to you?

    You are sacrificing seeing your family because you’re scared to go out because you can’t have the vaccine?

    What’s he doing to help you? Is he staying at home so he doesn’t catch it? Or is he out living his best life unvaccinated and not caring if he catches it and kills ypu?

    Why the fuck are you with this cunt?

  7. Those are not “non traditional ideas”. Those are stupid conspiracy theories without any basis in reality.

    Once a person has fallen down that rabbit hole, you can’t get them out. You may not hate him for it (now), but it’s going to make the relationship hell. Wait, what am I saying, it’s already hell for you, what with him putting you at serious health risk already by him not being vaccinated and you having to listen to him spewing his nonsense

    You did the only right thing, the only sane thing, by telling him there was no point having a conversation any longer and ignoring him.

    You know what you have to do, and I implore you to do it: please please please leave him.

  8. If I may quote a famous comedian, there are many characteristics that you can fix in a future spouse, but…

    “You can’t fix stupid.”

    I will guarantee you that if you closely examine other areas of his life, you’ll see undertones of that problem that can’t be fixed.

  9. I’m not sure what you’re getting out of this relationship or why you would want to stay in it. He’s shown you that he is lazy and rejects science and has no interest in supporting you or looking after your needs while you keep supporting him throughout the entire relationship. Walk away before you waste more of your life in a terrible relationship.

  10. It sounds like you’ve already wasted 11 years on some dude who keeps dragging you down. He wants so you do. What about what you want, does that not matter as long as dude isn’t complaining? Just think how happy you could be doing whatever you want, eating whatever you want, living where you want and making your own medical decisions. Is he giving you anything or just taking?

  11. You can tell him that if he won’t have sex with you then you can open up the relationship on your end. I, personally, wouldn’t of course stay with such partner, he seems to have gone to the darker side of the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories.”Should I really jeopardize 11 years”That right there is cost-sunk fallacy. You can ask him why he believes in completely unprovable bonkers stuff. There have been some studies done on why people believe in conspiracy theories and as far as i’ve read then that’s basically a type of people who want to believe whatever. You can also ask him to prove his claims. You can say that “i believe you if you can prove it”

  12. Jeez you’ve got enough red flags to male a balloon big enough to fly to montreal. Get some self worth and realise you can be so much better without safer without him.

  13. Dump this person time NOW. “I will withhold sex from you if you make independent decisions (about your own health!) that don’t conform to my beliefs” is about the sleaziest possible form of sexual blackmail. It will be 11 years “wasted” but unfortunately he’s probably a lost cause WRT conspiracy theories. Better to get out now than after you are legally entangled. Best of luck to you!

  14. Does he understand that CoVid19 itself kills people and especially people at high risk? I’m sorry he is being so extreme. It’s his right not to get vaccinated, but he has no right telling you not to. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best!

  15. I’m so sorry he’s revealed himself to be this controlling and stubborn. I think you’re in the right to insist this gets solved before you’re stuck living together again with you taking care of him entirely. I also think your reaction wasn’t too much; he’s doing nothing but belitting you and not listening to you.

    I wish you luck, both with him and with getting vaccinated/keeping yourself safe!

  16. Mate. I LOVE conspiracy theories. And I worried about the vaccine. I still had it but you know what? I wouldn’t react like your fiancé and I didn’t when my husband willingly had it. Cause it’s his body man. (Again, I have been vaccinated also).

    Your fiancé is basically telling you that this relationship has no future. Didn’t need to read the whole thing tbh. Doesn’t matter how understanding you’ve been because HE has now told you he will withdraw from you if you take steps to protect yourself. Cool. Then bye.

  17. With as much gentleness as I can muster, good Lord. The only thing worse than wasting 11 years of your life with this idiot would be to waste even one more day. Listen to your own story. If a friend came to you and said her man was deep into conspiracy theories, verbally and physically abusive, had a drinking problem, blew up plans that were months in the making to move and improve her life for no freaking reason, and couldn’t even financially support himself, how long would it take for you to tell her to run hard and far away? Be that friend for yourself. Make the move to Montreal without him and don’t look back.

  18. You need a new boyfriend. Your boyfriend listens to fakes like Alex Jones over an accomplished person like Dr. Fauci?

    Sometimes you move on in life and outgrow your relationships. Time to move on.

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