I M31 have been with my fiancee f33 for 2 years. She had a sister who passed away from cancer, leaving behind her 2 young kids and husband. At that time, my fiancee was stepping up and taking a huge part in caring for the kids along with her mom. Her sister’s husband didn’t date again til 3 years later.
As our wedding approaching, my fiancee has been acting strange lately. I tried pushing her to twll me what’s wrong and she finally decided to tell me after she heard about her sister’s husband’s recent engagement.
She sat with me yesterday and recalled the events after her sister’s death. She talked about her niece and nephew and their dad. She told me that she and her sister’s husband became close months after her sister’s death. She said something happened, something like a trauma bonding that made them seek comfort in each other. She began crying saying the she and her sister’s husband kissed one night whild he was picking the kids up and from there, they started having a relationship that last for 3 years. She said no one knew, not even tne kiss about it and they did their best to keep it a secret. She said he’d come over to her hpuse or she would go to his and sleep together. I couldn’t process this, I didn’t want her to keep talking but I froze and had nothing to say. She swore they ended it right after she met me and that the reason she told me about was because she wanted to enter ths marriage with no secrets at all. She said it was just a confusing, emotionally charged period in her life and she moved and he also moved on. I didn’f know what to say after she pleaded with me to let it go and think about how she was honest with me. I don’t know.. I couldn’t help thinking about how fucked that is and how she was justifying a decision after another. I left the apartment and asked for some space, but she kept contacting me and crying saying she regretted it and blamed it on her mental state/grief at the time.
I feel confused and devastated. I don’t wanna judge her mental state at the time but I don’t wanna pretend like it’s all good and nothing happened. I feel terrible and like the walls are caving in on me unable to think clearly. I don’t know what to do. maybe I should let it go seeing what’s done is dond but any advice is welcome.
Grief/Comfort relationships aren’t that unusual. I’m also not buying into the only reason she’s upset or told you is because she still has feelings for the BIL.
His engagement could have triggered that grief again and now he’s moving on, so not only solidifies her sister’s death but possibly guilt for how they both handled it at the time. She could have thought this was all in the past & this all came rushing up with his engagement.
Understand you need time/space to process but I’m not going to vilify her based on her telling you now.
Edit: aren’t instead of are.
Edit2: Thank You for the Awards!!!
Relationship between Sister and BIL is not that uncommon. Both were grieving post her sister’s death and they found comfort and solace in each other. Though the moment I read the post heading I thought she had an affair with BIL before sister’s death because that would’ve been more morally very wrong. Its better you found before marriage. She could’ve very well hidden it from you and never uttered a word. Whether or not it’s deal breaker that’s for you to decide. For some it’s crossing a boundary and for some they could live with it.
FAKE ACCOUNT!! DONT RESPOND OR GIVE ADVICE TO THIS PERSON!! THIS IS A TROLL CREATING FAKE STORIES FOR ATTENTION AND THEIR FETISHES.
My issue isn’t with anything she did then and yours shouldn’t be either. The issue is she’s breaking down and telling you this not when you two got engaged but when the BiL got engaged. To me that says she’s still holding onto feelings. She chose you because she knew their relationship might not be accepted, but it sounds like she never got over him.
Hold the weedding. Solve this problem first. Dont avoid the result by fear.
Honestly I think the biggest issue is that she is upset at his engagement, or so it seems. I mean the sleeping-with-your-dead-sister’s-husband thing is obviously messy in it’s own right, but it doesn’t sound like it was a trauma bonding moment. It was a 3 year relationship. That’s her ex and she still has feelings for him
3 years is a long time though
Me personally, the mountain would be too big to climb. Maybe I am just too immature, but I couldn’t continue the relationship knowing that my wife had sex with the guy I am sitting across the table from at Thanksgiving dinner.
Everyone is right, she was open and honest with OP which is commendable. She never cheated and was vulnerable. Still, her ex will be there at family functions and he’ll be expected to get along together as if nothing happened between them. If you can do that you are better people than I am.
A lot of people are defending the fiancé saying that her brother in law getting engaged sparked grief and that’s why she’s really sad but that sounds so bs. She hid the relationship from OP and clearly wouldn’t have told him if the old husband didn’t get engaged. This reeks of her having feelings for him. Maybe it really was all her feelings for her sister being attached to the brother in law, but she knew what she was doing and hiding. It’s not OPs job to sit by and let her use him
While trying to skip over some very fucked stuff she hid. She only told OP because of the engagement! She could be hiding so much more and only gave the light details. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was cheating on OP for a year before stopping. The timeline is blurry and OP should run
>As our wedding approaching, my fiancee has been acting strange lately. I tried pushing her to twll me what’s wrong and she finally decided to tell me after she heard about her sister’s husband’s recent engagement.
This right here is the only red flag. There’s nothing immoral or suspect about your fiancée’s relationship with her former BiL in itself; it’s the seeming *regret* she has over him apparently moving on.
Ok. I’m gonna be Blunt and probably and AH here but bro cancel your marriage cause there isnt shit for you here.
As for the moral of her doings, it depends on people. I find it disgusting, others would consider it okay because its comfort etc… That depends on everyone’s morale and their boundaries.
Now OP consider this: The BIL she had a 3years relationship with (longer than yours btw) will Always be in your life cause of her nephews. Therefore their past together will Always be there.
Do you really feel okay with that? And you cant ask her to Cut her relationship with them as they’re her family.
Also remember the fact that she waited for HIM to get married to tell you this. Why not before? I find it Weird to wait for that precise moment.. She would have told you sooner if it was really for the sake of your relationship. I think she has lingering feelings for him and that its a danger for your relationship.
I Wouldnt exclude the fact that there’s also a possibility of her cheating during your relationship.
Also, you should tell BIL’s wife as she’s also facing a similar situation to yours
3 years is the thing that stuck out to me here. This was not a one night stand or series of encounters right after the death. I am not saying you should not get married because ultimately that is your decision, but I would personally find it hard to get married under these circumstances. Maybe postpone to give yourself adequate time to process what is for you new information
Grief does odd things to people, but the fact she’s admitting it now after 5 years is concerning. I have to wonder if she’s still interested in her BIL, why else would she come out with it now otherwise? Why not sooner?
Take as much time as you need to process it, don’t feel pressured to continue with the wedding as she has dropped a big bombshell on you. I’d also have a word with her and tell to stop contacting you until you’re ready to talk. But honestly if it’s not something you can accept that’s understandable.
She was upset about his engagement, not yours. It sounds like she still has feelings for him. I would not trust her stating they were not together during your relationship and certainly be worried that she would be willing to cheat giving her attitude towards his engagement.
Three years is a deep relationship and her only “telling you” now because he is engaged, isn’t making any sense other than she is upset that he has moved on…
You are about to be married and she didn’t say it’s because she loves and respects you, but only seems bothered about his new life without her…
I would take a step back before you jump into any marriage buddy, as it seems like somebody isn’t over it yet or has ever been…
I hope to God that they weren’t still hooking up while your were together, but it is possible…
She may have told you because the sisters husband may have told his girlfriend and so she had to tell you because it was going to get back to you anyway.
This is weird, and Idk about it but I couldn’t get past it. As others have pointed out, 3 years is a long time and the timing of confession (when BIL got engaged) is suspect. Also, this man is gonna hang over your head forever – he is the father of her niece-nephew/ her parents’ grandkids. He’s not going anywhere.
And please dont think that honestly and being forthright someone makes it less weird. Would you give a bank robber a lesser sentence if they come up and confess (but not actually return the robbed money)??
You have to be aware that he’ll always be in her life due to the kids, it’s like your partner having a friend who they’ve slept with except you can’t really distance yourself.
Personally, this is too much baggage for me. I’d thank her for the time you’ve had together and call it quits.
Hopefully you come out if this well op no matter what your choice
I don’t think I could get over my SO hiding for two years the fact that they had a three-year relationship with someone currently incredibly close to them (and now me)
Dude, Although it’s not cheating I must say that is creepy as fuck.
be very worried about her ability to hide a relationship. if she’s that good at it, then you’re fucked.
She basically emotionally damaged you days before marriage. now the images of them banging will hunt you, and the image of the pure fiancee is tented and soiled . and as the kids are basically family, She will be in contact.
ask yourself the question, if you knew about this affaire would you have proposed to her?
My advise is to postpone the marriage, sort yourself and work on yourself. I would suggest to cut your losses and leave, but if you decide to stay, get the whole truth, check her phone and social media if there are nothing else and importantly sign a prenup before marriage.
Honestly, I’m not sure why this is upsetting. The relationship ended before yours began. It’s not unusual situation to occur between a BIL and sister when someone dies. The sister had passed, they were circumspect in how they handled it. It’s not a relationship they attempted to make public or accepted so it’s unlikely that they are interested in renewing it. They’ve both moved on to other people.
I think this really comes down to your ability to know this and move on from it. I guess I would ask you what threat does this harbor for your future? I sincerely doubt she really wants the BIL back–a relationship that is founded on the death of her sister sounds taxing to be central to her everyday life. It sounds from what she says that she associates it with negative head space, maybe personal chaos. She’s just being fair and honest with you. I would try to offer that back and really just think through what this means in your day-to-day.
She’s probably told you for the reasons she’s given, but also because she realizes that you are likely to come into increased contact with BIL at events and she wants you to understand her choices with him, which probably involve some contact and some distance. She’s bringing you on to her team.
idc how hard reddit tries to normalize it sleeping with ur deceased sibling’s spouse will always be weird
Personally I wouldn’t trust anyone who has a tendency to “keep it in the family”
She got with her sisters husband. I get there’s trauma but at the end of the day, everyone has the right to refuse.
Not to mention she only told you after she heard about his engagement? Be for real now, that ain’t the only reason she told you. I personally believe a part of her wants to be single so she can do a lil strange with her sisters husband without any of the guilt.
Plus, if she didn’t feel guilty about it, why’d she hide it. What I mean is, everyone in the comments are saying it was before they got together. Correct! So if it wasn’t cheating, why’d they hide it? I get hiding it from the kids, but if it wasn’t with a guilty conscience, she wouldn’t have any reason to hide it.
It’s a strange situation, but all I’m saying is, if she does it once…she’ll do it again. Who knows, maybe next time I’ll be with one of your siblings.
Be safe though man.
I’m going to say it, do whatever you want after, but i think she still loves him, that’s all i have to say honestly, nothing more nothing less
What kind of world do you people live in that fucking your dead sibling’s spouse is a normal part of grieving? That’s disgusting.
And this boys and girls is one of the reasons we have. Therapists. Your fiance just trauma dumped. She doesn’t understand her feelings because she never processed them very well to begin with. That man was at one point in time The only link she had to her dead sister. Which isn’t true but emotions are strange so to her that might be the truth. Him getting married is like the final nail in the coffin that she’s gone and will never come back. Your fiance eternalizing most of this and will probably spiral soon.
Now let me be clear You have every right to be confused and hurt. But one thing that would probably help everyone involved is to get your fiance to talk to a grief counselor and then eventually talk to that same counselor or your own to have them help you figure out if everything is above board completely and totally or if there’s more issues there. Good luck
I could see where this would be a problem for most people. First basically hooked up months after her sister’s death. Not a year or two but months. I would question the time frame but not everyone would. I would definitely question why I would be hearing about it now. They didn’t date but had sex only for 3 years? Was there some kind of side thing brewing while her sister was alive? Why tell me now? Because we’re getting married or because he is?
I can see why OP would have issue with this. The way she brought it up and described it is already bad enough but then just expecting him to forget what she told him and move forward is asking a lo to say the least.
There’s 415 posts here and I’m 50 deep. I honestly don’t know. If this wasn’t a problem/issue, why this then:
>She said no one knew, not even tne kiss about it and they did their best to keep it a secret.
If it’s okay and above board, why hide it from everyone?
Because it is wrong. Take OP out of it. The fact the fiancée and the widower did this is wrong. I’m not discounting trauma bonding and a bad head space.
OP, pause the wedding and get yourself to individual counseling for her and yourself. Then couple counseling cuz what she and her BIL did is wrong.
Is this how you want your partner to handle bad/stressful situations? Is this how she handles situations?
I’m no longer amazed by reddit’s take on stuff.
Personally, I’d find a different wife. There’s plenty of women out there. But if you can live with it then do what you want bro, tbh she hid it from you until you’re legit marrying her. I’d say that’s betrayal of trust in some regard but that’s just me.
So many people are excusing what that woman did in grief and I can tell it’s a cultural thing because I would absolutely not be fucking my dead sisters husband. And she only told him weeks before they’re getting married? She had years to say something. It’s sketchy.
Find a therapist for yourself if you can so you can process this individually.
So she met you and stopped? Or she stopped when you guys became serious? Or when you proposed?