I moved to a new city only four months ago and I (26F) became best friends with H(25F) almost instantly. We bounced off eachother from the very beginning, radiating the same wild energy, spending nearly every day together.
When she told me about her new man, I was really excited to meet him: she said he was crazy like us. Funny, sarcastic, inappropriate sense of humour. So, she arranged for myself and our colleagues to meet him at a staff do
Within seconds, we were engaging in a hilarious conversation. His energy was contagious: he was good looking, interesting and perfect for H. I sang his praises to her.
As the night ticked on, drinks were flowing and he started getting handsy with me and my other colleague L. Initially, he tripped me up and pinned me to the floor. I laughed it off as boisterous fun and continued my night.
He started making inappropriate comments, saying I was ‘fit’ but I said you should only have eyes for H. And then he tweaked my nipple through my shirt, twisting it. After this, he lifted me up by my crotch and as he did so he moved his fingers around. He also had his arm around me and pinched both mine and Ls bums while H was stood between us.
H and bf left early while the rest of us continued, but L said she felt uncomfortable and the managers of our company said he seemed more interested in me and L.
The next morning, H comes into work and I remind her of what happened. She was blackout drunk so when I tell her, she looks devastated. I told her because I thought she would want to know. She went home and sent him packing. That evening she forgave him, so to keep the peace, I passed it off as a drunken misunderstanding. H told me he found L better looking than me anyway. Interesting comment, but I wasn’t too offended.
Now, H won’t really talk to me and is spending time with L. I imagine L will be saying that I made a bigger deal about it than it was, but I hardly even made a fuss, I just wanted H to know what happened and what was witnessed by senior staff. Bear in mind, you can literally pass what he did as SA and all I wanted was to tell my friend, not make a deeper deal out of it.
H has fully forgiven her man and hardly bothered with me. I asked her if she was angry at me about what had happened and she insisted she wasn’t, but that was four days ago, and she hasn’t bothered with me properly since.
Work feels toxic and I miss our banter and fun times.
I’m gutted this gropy fool came into her life, but I’m worried that I should never have told her in the first place as it has ruined our friendship.
While I’m not suggesting you escalate anything here (although you should), for all intents and purposes, you were sexually assaulted, by your supposed friend’s boyfriend no less.
Insecure partners often get caught up in nonsense like that and allow themselves to ignore reality. In your situation, she’s decided you’re the problem when you logically aren’t. It sucks and I’m sorry, but that’s reality.
So your move is to just be professional. Assume you’re nothing more than co-workers. You did absolutely nothing wrong, but she’s decided how she wants to feel. Good luck.
This man sexually assaulted you, along with your friend L.
Your friend is blaming you for what her predator boyfriend did. Doesn’t that tell you everything you need to know? And she immediately forgave him and took him back, but she’s taking out her anger on you? She’s an idiot, and she’ll get what she deserves when that creep cheats on her with anyone who will put up with his shit.
She is NOT your friend. You did the right thing telling her. Avoid her like the plague at work, and never speak to her outside of work again. Block her EVERYWHERE. None of this is okay.
And you mentioned something about others being there and seeing it. I, personally, would suggest reporting this. Creeps like that are always the same, he’s done it before and he’ll do it again.
That’s obviously not your “best friend” anymore she’s a SA apologist.
but a bestie in four months?
>so to keep the peace, I passed it off as a drunken misunderstanding.
Don’t provide cover for dangerous and malicious men.
Your friend made her choice unfortunately. I don’t think it’s useful to dwell on it.
Her bf is going to get arrested for SA. She’s going to come back to you crying. You need to let her go, and know that she is an unreliable friend.
You did the right thing, no question about it.
H found out something bad about her bf, and unfortunately you found out something bad about H’s character as a result.
Basically your other option, saying nothing and getting groped even worse by this guy, was a bad option. You did the right thing and its not your fault she’s a desperate rugsweeper who chose an assaulter over her friends.
That he was groping not one but *two* other women at the bar does not bode well for H’s relationship with him. She knows that, and she doesn’t want to face it, so she’s “shooting the messenger”. Unfair and painful, yes.
She needs to know what kind of man she’s dating.
If she knows the truth and continues to see him, that tells you everything you need to know. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.
You need the kind of friend that you are. You told her because it was inappropriate and she needs to consider her relationships with him. She chose to disregard the account and put you at a distance. Who the hell says “well he thought whoever was cuter” when you tell them he sexually assaulted you, as if that’s some kind of justification. She may need help. Talk to the other girl that was assaulted and hopefully you can form a stronger relationship with her. Oh and definitely report the incident.
They’re both toxic consider it this way the trash is taking itself out
I think you did the right thing. Also even though you consider her a best friend you guys haven’t known each other that long. Not long enough to see how she behaves in tough situations. This seems like your first tough situation as friends.
It’s hard to tell if she’s a bad friend who prioritizes her boyfriend over your discomfort. Or if he’s told her all sorts of lies. It’s likely that he told her you were coming on to him.
Can you talk to her and try to figure out exactly what he said? My guess is that he gave her a very distorted version of the truth.
Umm…… you were sexually assaulted! You need to go to the police. This is not ok and shouldn’t be brushed off. Im so sorry this happened to you. This is a major problem with our society. It is never ok for anyone to touch you like that. Talk with your other friend about what happened and file a police report please! This guy is a predator.
Why would you even want to be friends with her after that? If any dude touched my friend like that I would inappropriately touch his testes with my knee. Surround yourself with strong willed and loyal people, not abuse enablers..
You did nothing wrong. Women will only leave men like this when they’re ready to. Nothing you say or do will change that, not even true and sickening events. Keep your distance. I know losing a friendship sucks but you need to keep yourself safe because her bf is dangerous. Do not let yourself be alone with him ever.
It’s be ok OP. Of that’s how her man is he’s gunna be having her look very foolish very soon. Sucks for her but this not really your problem. Just wait and focus on what you need to take care of at the moment
I’m sorry OP. You were sexually assaulted and your “friend” is a victim-blaming pos. Escalate this. Tell your managers to warn you if they see the man who did this to you or kick him out/ban him. It isn’t fair to not only be traumatized but lose a close friend. Good thing she showed her true colors now. See if you can pick up different shifts than her so you won’t have to see her and talk to L abour what happened.
Obviously, H is in denial about her BF and rescents you for bringing out his true face. She’s insecure and jealous her boyfriend was more into you and L than into her.
The question is, why is L treated differently than you ? She is a victim same as you. H should recent her as well. Something is missing there. Is it because you’re the one who told H and not L ? Is it because L is playing it down while you’re taking it more seriously, as you should ?
And how is L treating you since then ? Is she also avoiding you ? Is she also in some kind of denial about what happened to both of you and doesn’t want to be reminded of it by you ?
Basicaly, everyone is in denial and you feel guilty although you did nothing wrong and you are the victim. The shock could explain the reactions but it’s still incredibly unfair to you.
Here’s what is gonna happen if you don’t decide to report the SA. She’ll continue with him until he cheats with L or someone else. Then she’ll probably try to use you as her support system to get over him. So you are only good for what you can give. That is not a friend. A friend should have your back even if it was her husband of 60yrs that committed the offense that was witnessed by others (much worse because it was managemt). Don’t make a big deal, distance yourself from all involved and continue doing your best at work without causing or participating in any drama. You’ll come out on top in the end.
If again your friend should be apologizing to you. She brought him around and he sexually assaulted you but she is more concerned about his feelings and whatever lies he may have told her.
Swear half the posts here seem like karma farmers.
Why didn’t you stop it right then and there? If my friend’s boyfriend groped me I would yell at him to stop and tell my friend immediately.
Its not her man , he will never belong to her I just hope she sees that before she gets hurt.
H is not your friend.
You did the right thing. Her loss.
i dont think this has anything to do with you but thats their problem dont blame yourself
If telling her the truth ruined your friendship then you were never really friends. So in as much as it hurts now, good riddance… someone who forgives their inappropriate boyfriend and instead directs that anger to their friend, who at great risk was brave enough to be honest. Is not someone you should want in your life. Mourn the friendship but celebrate that you don’t have to deal with her anymore.
What he did is an assault. I’d be ok with a bum pinch but not the rest. That is predatory. Keep your self respect. No one touches you without permission. I was surprised such horseplay is allowed where managers are present, they could get into big trouble. Your friend has chosen to pretend you are a troublemaker because she won’t accept the truth. That is her problem. Don’t feel bad, he should apologise and she should not introduce him to company as he cannot behave with respect to women. Move on and keep your head high.
Long before they got married, my friend’s husband groped me while I was asleep. I told her, and she decided it’s no big deal. We’re not on speaking terms any more. Before this, she was one of my best friends, and losing her really hurt.
I don’t really have any advice. Just know that you’re not the only one going through this, and that you did the right thing. What she does with this information is her choice. Imo, she chose wrong, but it’s her choice to make. I think you’re better off without someone who’s willing to date a man who sexually assaults her friends. Even if it hurts, or is awkward at first.
Got me fucked up
Coworkers aren’t friends.
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