Friday, March 24, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy gf (22f) just told me that she’s keeping a list of...

My gf (22f) just told me that she’s keeping a list of letters in my (20m) name and crossing each one off every time I disrespect her until she breaks up w me. Apparently my last name is completely crossed off.

The problem is, she won’t speak up to me when she feels like she is being disrespected. When she told me about the list it upset me quite a lot. I asked her to tell me what I did those multiple times to get those letters crossed off and she couldn’t even remember. She has a really hard time opening up about how she feels and/or admitting when she is wrong. I will be the first to admit that I’ve disrespected her before, but again, I’ll admit it. I feel like there is a communication aspect truly lacking here and it upsets me. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression which has probably made me a bit quicker to get mad but I can admit when I’m in the wrong, and I’ll always apologize for it. We just had a conversation about this and I asked her to tell me how she feels and she kept just saying idk. When I asked her if she still felt love for me she said yes, I asked her how we’re going to fix it (because I love her with all my heart) and she just kept saying idk. I feel like I am going crazy and just need some advice with how to go forward with this. I just want her to be more communicative with me and stop repressing any feelings she has towards me, as I’m more of a fix it now type rather than let it linger person. I feel as if I’m made to be the bad guy every time she feels this way, yet I can’t help but feel disrespected that she’d do something like this without even telling me any of the things I did. I want to know because I’m a person that would want to fix them, I would never want to hurt her and I don’t want her to think that it is my goal. At the end of the day, I see myself being with her for a long time, and I know I can’t force her to feel the same way, but I just think there are things she and I can work on that will help the situation blossom into a better time.

Edit: and just to add, she said she saw this tactic on instagram 🤦‍♂️, that really made me upset. I told her it was immature.

TLDR; My girlfriend wrote a list and is crossing off each letter of my name every time I disrespect her until we break up. My last name is gone. She doesn’t remember or even tell me what I did to disrespect her. I just want her to be able to tell me her feelings but she seems to really struggle with things like that and I would like advice to try and get her to be more open and confide to me her feelings. I love her more than anything.

View Reddit by Active-Beach-8897View Source



  1. ‘Wow, Betty, I thought you and your last boyfriend Bartholomeuw Llewellyn Montague were in it for the long haul! This new guy, though, Bob Lee, seems like he’s not going to stick around long.’

  2. Time to cut her loose. If she can’t or won’t t even try to open up on her own and you try to push her to open up then of course you’ll be a insensitive prick. Either way your in a lose lose situation. Cut your loses and move on. Dude your only 20 haven’t even hit your prime. Why stay in a toxic environment

  3. Do her a favor and cross all the letters off for her.

    This is an unhealthy way to approach a relationship (especially at 22) as most relationships can only thrive on healthy communication. If everyone she dates upsets her, she refuses to talk it through, and automatically checks it off as a tic on a time bomb, then she will quite literally fail in every relationship she enters. Not to mention, it is not healthy for you to tip toe around her afraid she is going to add a mark to the impending doom of your relationship.

    If for some reason you want to salvage this, I would strike her weird gimmick as a boundary for yourself. Then I would supportively encourage her to be open to discussing her feelings with you from moving forward. If she doesn’t know what she needs maybe start by asking her something that upsets her and why and then you can both work together to solve it. However, it sounds like she needs room to grow on her own as an adult to be able to have a constructive conversation like this. Good luck to you.

  4. If you keep trying to bend to her unspoken and unknown standards, you are going to break. She knows deep down this is toxic BUT what can she NOT do? Admit when she is in the wrong. How did the topic of the list come up? Did you do something that annoyed her and she told you as a subtle warning? Did it come up randomly? Does she have so much built up resentment from her poor communication skills that she was just eagerly waiting to let you know that she’s only a few letters from ditching you? Everything about this is immature, manipulative, and toxic. If she can’t come around to seeing what is wrong with her behavior, let her go. You’ll be better off and maybe she will learn and grow as a person.

  5. *note:Don’t actually do what I suggest below, just enjoy the absurdity it demonstrates and consider it as an example to bring up in the actual adult conversations you are having to address this.*

    Is your name shorter or longer than hers?

    Because if you both were playing this dumb game you would already be “ahead”. Each time she played that stupid game and crossed off a letter was an act of tremendous disrespect towards you, and she gets another letter for deciding to play this game in the first place.

    If you want to be magnanimous you can let her know to cross off another letter as well because you decided to join the dumb game.

    edit: It is always going to be even going forwards as well because each time one of you cross off a letter instead of actually talk to your partner, the other automatically gets to cross one off as well.

    May the longest name win.

  6. Haha disrespectful to her? She literally made a game out of breaking up with you. Didn’t tell you about it and can make the rules anything she wants them to be and made it so there’s no way for you to win, only lose. I’d think that would be completely disrespectful to do to your s/o

  7. This is honestly the funniest dumb thing I’ve heard all day.

    Dude, if she’s not going to be open and honest with you, your relationship is doomed. Hurry up and get the rest of your letters crossed off.

  8. If she won’t tell you what upset her, there’s no chance for you to improve. Guessing wildly, second-guessing your every action until you turn servile and obsequious is not an option.

    Don’t date someone who plays head games. ahead and write her name, put a big stroke through all of it, and caption it, “Grow the HellUp.”

  9. What about the disrespect she’s giving you? I mean she doesn’t respect your ability to communicate, improve your interactions, or function as an adult. And that’s just what little I’m aware of. What is your plan here? Just never ever disrespect her again, even unintentionally? Get 5 years and two kids down the road and have her leave then? And will your kids also cross off letters when you disrespect them? And then, what at 4 years old pack up and move out because they ran out of letters? Come on….any girlfriend is not better than no girlfriend!

  10. Emotional intelligence is often a trait people overlook when entering a relationship. Emotional intelligence is something your partner seems to lack as she is unwilling or does not possess the vocabulary or know how to speak up when something bothers her in your relationship.

  11. She’s manipulative and immature. Either she starts to say it when she’s hurt and you can work through it or you can break up. You’re too young to settle for the first basket case you meet.

Comments are closed.

Most Popular