Sunday, March 26, 2023
HomeRelationship AdviceMy gf (22f) wont let me sleep (24m)

My gf (22f) wont let me sleep (24m)

I don’t know what else to put here honestly since this is my first time posting something like this.

My gf has an internal clock that NEVER fails. We both stay up late all the time, but she without fail wakes up around 9 even if we went to bed at 2-5am (usually less than 4-5 hours a night)

Now this wouldn’t be an issue for me, but she also ALWAYS finds a reason to wake me up, and if I don’t she guilt trips me until the point where I don’t want to sleep anymore. The rare days I do sleep 8 hours she makes it seem like I’ve wasted my day and gets frustrated.

I’ve always been a heavy sleeper, so I’m used to getting my 8 hours of sleep every night, but we’ve been living together for about a year now and it’s really starting to get to me mentally and physically.

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  1. Why are you going to bed so late? Is she keeping you up? Sleep in another room if you have one and tell her this needs to stop because it’s affecting your health mentally and physically. Sleep deprivation is very bad for your health. If she refuses to stop, then end it. Denying you sleep is abuse.

  2. Sleep deprivation is abuse, and also a form of torture. Your mental health is more important than her being entertained for the few hours you sleep in. Have a talk with her (not first thing in the morning) and explain that this is not a livable situation, like seriously, a horrible accident could happen due to your tiredness. Personally this would be a dealbreaker for me if she continued.

  3. Hi, I am a 40 year old happily married guy. I had this exact issue with my lovely wife. This is obviously important to you, so you need to be very clear with her about this. My wife finally understood how much it was affecting me when we sat down and had a very clam conversation with her. I expressed the impact that it was having on my mental and physical health, the stress and guilt that the guilt trips were causing, and how it made me feel that she constantly disregarded something that was important to me. Once I went that route, things began to change for the better. I have always found that when I calmly explain things using “I” statements, things go a lot better. Best of luck

  4. “Babe, I really need you to stop waking me up when we’ve been up late the night before. I understand you can function on less sleep but I can’t, it’s really starting to be a problem for me”
    If that won’t work consider going to bed earlier.

  5. My bf and I both work night shifts, so we go to sleep early (7PM~) during the work week. I maintain my sleep schedule sorta, and fall asleep at around 9-10PM, while he usually goes to bed around 2AM.

    As such, I wake up way earlier than him. I’ll lay in bed and scroll on my phone or pull out my laptop and occasionally sneak in some snuggles. If I’m wanting to get something done I’ll either work on smthg in bed or head over to my desk.

    Growing up, I was taught that if you wake up past 10am the day is wasted. As a morning person I still feel that way. But I dont have to impose that on my partner! So long as we don’t have agreed upon plans he’s free to sleep in.

    Seems like your gf needs to learn how to spend alone time and that you need more sleep than her.

    that being said though, you can also compromise a bit (and do right by yourself in the process) by getting to bed before 5am. Unless you have a reason to be up that late, you shouldn’t be regularly going to bed that late. Been there, done that. Fix your sleep schedule!!

  6. Sleep deprivation is legitimately a form of torture. It is not okay for her to keep you awake. I sometimes stay awake for a couple of hours longer than my boyfriend but I just use earphones and go on YouTube or play games on my phone, I would never keep him awake.

  7. You can go to bed earlier. Sleep hygiene is a thing. Sleeping on a regular schedule is better for you. That said just tell her that just because she is up doesn’t mean you have to be up and you do not want to be woken up for anything less than an emergency. If she complains that you’re wasting the day then remind her it’s your time to waste. If she just can’t respect that, then maybe you should live separately.

  8. You need to have a conversation with her. You explain you need 8hrs and are willing to compromise. Either we go to be earlier if she has something in the morning she needs help with or you stay up late and sleep in.

    Make it a HARD but compromising boundary.

    Sounds like she has trouble living in her own skin. From what little you wrote, she seems co-dependent on you to feel a certain way. This is unhealthy…. and will probably get worse if she doesn’t read up on it or seek IC.

  9. That would be a deal breaker for me personally. It seems like she doesn’t value sleep at all, maybe she doesn’t know the benefits of it? But what’s more likely is she is just clingy and thinks “I’m awake so why aren’t you? we could be doing stuff together”, and while some people appreciate that, I wouldn’t as sleep is very important

  10. Don’t stay up late then. Tell her that you’re going to bed earlier than she is. Tell her that her options are that you leave her to stay up, or that she stops waking you up (but really….9AM? I might be a crotchety old person, but who the hell sleeps past 9AM? Other than my parents and in-laws….).


    I’m sure that she likes going to bed and waking up together, but you just need to tell her that in order to do that, she needs to stick to your schedule. If she wants to wake up at 9AM, then you go to bed at a decent hour (which would be better for your health anyway).

  11. I’ve dealt with a similar situation with an ex. I didn’t live with him, but nights where I would stay the night he would wake me up bright and early the next day. He couldn’t do anything by himself. I told him multiple times I couldn’t function on 3-4 hours of sleep and eventually snapped on him. Lack of sleep effects your overall health. Be clear with her about it.

  12. 4-5 hours of sleep is never healthy. I am also a heavy sleeper and I know how it feels to even sleep any less than 6 hours. Our bodies get accustomed to the amount of sleep we normally have. Your girlfriend most likely thinks that she is pushing you towards a healthier and productive lifestyle. When in reality, she is just causing your health to deteriorate. Make her talk to a professional and get yourself your well deserved sleep, man. If she still thinks she is right, cut it out.

  13. Tell her to stop or it will be a problem. Get your own room
    . Tell her to respect your boundaries, dump her, tell her calmly and rationally how you feel and why it makes your unhappy and ask her to work with you on it. If she doesn’t wanna work with you , fuck off and do your own thing.

    When a partner or a friend transgresses my boundaries. I quickly NOPE that’s not happening. They can feel however they want to about it, but this is important to me, so I’m going to do/be X. If you don’t like it, deal with it or leave.

    Boundaries my guy. Essential in all human relationships. Know what your boundaries are, and respect them . That’s how your respect yourself!

    You have plenty of options. You’re not trapped.

  14. Maybe she doesn’t know how important 7-8 hours of sleep is to you and your body/functionality. Every body reacts different to different amounts of sleep but there are studies that back up 7+ hours of sleep a day. Show her the studies, sit her down and have a talk with her about how important it is to you and seeing her frustrated from you trying to take care of yourself isn’t healthy. Don’t point fingers or blame her, focus on solutions.

  15. I have an internal alarm clock as well. Whatever time I tell myself I need to up by, I’ll wake up 5 minutes before that time. I don’t burden anyone else with this quirk. I’ve actually done a lot to sort of undo this trait, as it wasn’t allowing me to get adequate sleep. If she “needs you to be up by 9 am, then you can’t stay up past 1. That’s just the long and short of it. You need to tell her that the actual time doesn’t matter, and that the thing that matters, is 8 hours after going to bed. If she expects you to stay up with her til 5 am, then she isn’t allowed to wake until 1 pm. No exceptions. It’s not “wasting the day” because 8 hours of sleep is 8 hours of sleep, no matter when it occurs. Put your foot down. It’s either a bed time that agrees with her “wake up” time, or it’s 8 hours, minimum, no matter what time it is. Set that boundary, because sleep deprivation is a form of torture that can and will kill you, if allowed to continue long enough. You should be willing to leave her over this. Do not give in, your life is literally on the line here.

  16. Tell her to entertain herself for a few hours while you get rest. Really absurd for her to have to get entertainment out of you at all moments of the day. Sounds incredibly clingy imo

  17. Just start slipping her a melatonin when it’s getting close to bed time, like around 12. Some might say this is “unethical” maybe even “illegal”, who asked them?

    Or idk, you could just tell her you’re getting to the point where it’s going to be an ultimatum if the relationship will continue.

  18. Two things you can do

    1. Develop a no fucks given attitude and simply tell her that you are going back to sleep, if she nags you about sleeping too late ignore it. You need to have your needs met including sleep. If she threatens to break up, tell her great and to turn off the lights on the way out of the house.
    2. Continue to kow-tow and be miserable and sleep deprived

  19. How does she wake you up??? If it is by BJ or other sexual means, I don’t see a problem here.

    You do know you can go to sleep earlier if you wish. There is no rule that says you must stay up as late as her. I wish I could sleep as late as 9 am but I have a job. Because of that damn job, I find I do best if I am in bed no later than midnight as I usually wake up between 5-6 am when my internal alarm aka FULL BLADDER goes off lol.

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