My gf(29) and me(24) are together for almost three years. At the begining I noticed that she is really open minded and what caught my eye was her flirting. We met at job, and worked together for about one year, and in that period we started dating.
At the begining I was just hanging out w/ here, until at one moment we started sex marathons(5-6 times a day, even on her period), she is at my place and vice versa. That lasted for one year and we wouldn’t really talk too much about ourselves, most of the time we were just gossiping and making jokes.
So we noticed that we would make genius partners, and we moved in together. Then romance kicked in with plans for weddings, house, kids etc.
Two years fast forward I am starting to realize that she only has one gf and around 8 boys in her life.
And if someone starts telling me that I am insecure, well I am. I don’t have reasons to be secure, but I would like to secure this situation.
Let me describe few situations:
– One of her male friends call her (love, hottie, honey)
– Her explanation is that is how they talk, and I shouldn’t be worried
– All of her male friends calls her a bitch in convo with her
– Her bff shares details how she kicks in bed while asleep( I thought I would only experience that feeling, and not hear it from another male)
She depicts herself as a perfect partner, someone I could always rely on. The type of girl other guys can only wish if they could have.
Now I am in doubt. Do I really want to marry this girl, if I feel so insecure around her friends. There is a loooooong history between them. Especially if you realize that I was just born, and she went to kindergarten.
I want to let her know that I am and I will be insecure about these things, but I don’t want to insult her. Right now I am on business trip for 4 days and she is in our apartment w/ her bff and for those 4 days.
I feel like I am a bf on business trip from porn, and I can’t help it.
How does this only become a problem after 3 years of dating? What changed that it’s suddenly a problem now?
I feel like the fact that everything you had to say about your relationship was sexual and the fact that you are feeling sexually insecure are very much related
You two have been together 3 years, how well do you know her friends? Have you hung out with them? Do you feel you can trust them? 2 years is a long time to be dating someone and still not been introduced into their social circle, just feels like they are hiding something from you.
You really had to throw the sex marathon detail in, eh?
Your gf sounds like my wife. Only difference, and it’s a big one, her male friends don’t call her hottie or mention bedroom behavior. If they did I’m positive my wife would put a stop to it.
Explain to her that you’re uncomfortable with it. Ask her to put a stop to it. If she won’t then decide if it’s a deal breaker or not.
Is she good at setting boundaries with those friends? Do you feel she’s in love with you vs. those other guys?
Waiting for an update on this. Wanna know what OP does next.
You thought you would be the only person to ever experience her kicking in her sleep? Cmon now lol
The pet names is valid. What you need to do is have a talk with her about boundaries. Honestly that talk should have happened before moving in together. If you don’t trust her/don’t want to be with somebody who has close friends of the opposite sex then break up. But don’t expect you talking to her to make her cut off friendships that were around before you. You can tell her that you don’t think pet names are appropriate but beyond that, you can’t force her to do what you want of her.
Not enough information to really assess what’s going on. One thing that stands out to me though… in my life, men who jokingly/friendly call me bitch are gay.
Get to know her bros dude.
Sir down and talk to her.
In highschool i had a lot of brothers but did not sleep with them took auto shop wood shop metal shop guys taught me how to ride a motorcycle.
Maybe she is open minded and does not see restrictions to hanging with guys.
Not all girls like the got have nails done make up and girly girl stuff..
Maybe she enjoys being able to joke and be herself…
Talk get things off your chest.
And if she slept with them all and kept them as friends that will be up to you on a future.
This is not that weird to me because I am kinda the same about friends, Most of my friends are men, I just really have a very good girl friend. They called me pretty or babe sometimes but then when I started a serious relationship with my partner I told them to stop calling me like that so just to show some respect to my bf, and just to avoid problems, it is not because you are insecure but I wouldn’t like to see some girl calling my bf “babe”. They could be the best friends or whatever, maybe they had something in the past and it is nothing else happening anymore, but she should set some boundaries according how they call her specially if she loves you and she knows how this makes you feel.
I always said “it is not about my bf being jealous for some other guys, but some other guys being jealous of my bf “ 😉
Well, it doesn’t seem that she has ever cheated, been dishonest, or gone behind your back. is that right? I am an attachment-style relationship coach, so I understand feeling insecure. Imo the issue is twofold: 1) the fact that you are feeling insecure about this and 2) the fact that you haven’t really been clear about your own boundaries and expectations and why.
First: I would advise you to really dig in and figure out what you are making this situation mean. What does her action make it mean given your perspective (either about you and her) and write it down
Second: Question what you wrote and try to use FACTS to support or disprove the above.
Third: Get in touch with why you feel this way. Figure out where your expectations are coming from, use any personal experiences, etc. Understand if you are projecting your own viewpoint onto her.
Fourth: Set your personal boundaries/expectations/standards and communicate with her from a perspective of your own thoughts. Explain everything to her without projecting your own fears and beliefs on her. Get her perspective on this. Then assess from there.
Personally, I find that some of your concerns are valid, given my own expectations. But her views and her expectations of her friendships seem to be different, so you really need to figure yourself out and then hear her out. That sets you guys up for more intimate and mature conversations later on as well, if you decide to get married.
My new partner was nervous because I have majority male friends (work in a male dominated industry/have male dominated hobbies) I do have some female friends but they are by far the minority. I explained that these people have been in my life long before he was in it. Nothing ever came of them being in my life and it’s him who I’ve fallen in love with. I’ve also said I would understand if he wanted to exit before getting serious.
They are all mates. Purely platonic and I don’t even speak to most of them daily. My best mate sometimes calls me honey or gorgeous. I’ve known him for well over a decade he is gay though so that’s why he gets the pass. My other best mate who I’ve known for as long is straight and we refer to each other as mate for the most part.
I’m fine with my partner having female friends. Boundaries exist as I have respect for my relationship. Plus I don’t want to lose my partner or any person I consider a friend.
If someone is going to cheat they will cheat whether or not they have friends of the opposite sex. The only partners I’ve ever had who cheated on me had no female friends and hated me having male friends.
Get 8 females friends have then calling you hottie and sleeping with you
When I was in highschool and early twenties I thought it was easier and cooler to have a bunch of guy friends. When you’re a pretty girl it’s super easy to have guy friends.. just be pretty and mildly entertaining. They feed your ego and you have very little commitment to them.
What I learned in my later twenties is it is much more rewarding to have close girlfriends. These women care deeply about me and I care for them. They are tending to my soul not just hanging around wondering if the opportunity to fuck me will arise.
Second if you want a mature and healthy relationship there has to be mutually agreed upon boundaries. Not sharing the same bed with someone of the opposite sex is a very reasonable boundary. Not sharing pet names with members of the opposite sex is very reasonable.
It sounds like your girlfriend is pretty full of herself and her horde of men just kind boost her ego. If you’re looking for a more mature relationship based on respect and mutual understanding this might not be the woman for you.
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Sounds like she isn’t the girl for you, she wouldn’t be for me either. Find the girl of your dreams who doesn’t spend 4 days hanging around another dude while you’re out of town and expressed concern over it already
Honestly I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either… It’s a respect thing, I wouldn’t like to hear another guy call my girlfriend “bitch, honey, sweety” etc…
The biggest red flag is another man calling her “hottie, honey, love”! Also any PERSON depicting themselves as the “perfect” partner that others “only wish they could have” , are completely Narcissistic! Honestly I would cut your loses and move on. There are better options out there. Try not to hook up with people you work with either, that’s a true recipe for disaster.
I’ve been with a girl who “CAN ONLY HAVE GUY FRIENDS”. It never works out. It’s always the same symptoms too, super flirty with all of them, doesn’t see anything wrong with it. But hates it if I spend time with female friends. Double standards.
Remember that if you’re dating a female with only male friends, they aren’t her friends. They’re simply in line. Just waiting for you to fuck up, give them any reason to whisper sweet nothings in her ear when you guys have issues, then the opportunities for cheating happens.
As a woman, there’s something so weird about women that can’t be friends with other women. The “I’m not like other girls” girl. They usually need a lot of attention and get jealous. I consider that red flags. I’d rethink this relationship.
Have you never slept in a bed with your best friend? Like no shame honest question, cause I think anyone who has been my best friend we’ve been so attached at the hip there comes a point when we just knock out while laying on one of our beds.
I too only have male friends (I’m female). I can see why you’d be nervous about it though. I think a good boundary is has she ever slept with/been intimate with any of these guys? If the answer is no then, to me at least, there’s less of a problem. If she has, then for me, that would be a line I wouldn’t be happy to cross.
Also, have you met them all or does she keep them hidden from you? I made sure to introduce my best mate to my boyfriend quickly so that he could see for himself there’s no threat.
Do you trust your girlfriend? Has she ever given you any reason to think she would cheat or be unfaithful in any way? Have you talked about your insecurities and boundaries?
Ladies in the comment section, stop acting like this is normal. You know if the roles were reversed and some woman was coming in her complaining about her boyfriends gal pals you all would be like “leave him girl” or “he can’t be trusted”.
Is this a communist parade? So many red flags
red flag. I am saying this as a elder female who has seen some shit….a woman with only guy friends that says they don’t get along with other girls – is a giant red flag. It isn’t her choosing the not be friends with other females…it is the other females choosing to not be friends with her. She is likely untrustworthy and toxic. Sorry for generalizing but from your post it sounds like she has some issues with boundaries and maybe need some therapy to help her understand her intense need for male validation.
Also, you gotta be honest with yourself and look at this situation from the outside….would you confidently tell a friend of yours to get married to someone who acted this way with him? Those guys alll keep her around for a reason. If they are flirting with her and sleeping in a bed with her, it is because they are holding out to get more from her or they already have gotten more from her. She’s low risk because they dont ever have to communicate with her, commit to her, etc, because they’re “just friends” with unhealthy boundaries. I would run from this.
Often if a girl has more guy friends than girls it means girls reject her friendship because of the way she acts around boys/their boyfriends!!!
Unfortunately this is a psychological state of mind and apart of her personality.
Basically she loves the attention she gets from boys more than she loves you. This will always be the same.
Leave her mate, it’s not worth falling in love with her only to find out even more things about her behaviour in the future.
Bro what. Her guy friends calling her hottie and babe? Her sleeping over at their place and you’ve been together that long? Them knowing how she sleeps? How could you have no caught these red flags earlier on…. And how are you ok with letting that happen. If the roles were reversed I’d bet she’d flip. And Reddit would be “dump him!!” But yet there is a huge double standard that if the guy isn’t ok with blatant disrespect he’s “insecure”
I guarantee you she’s hooked up with at least half of them in the past, and the other half are waiting for their opportunity.
I’ve seen this behavior from a lot of girls in the past that have had bfs, and in one case was with me. They are almost always all cheaters 99% of the time.
Sounds like you didn’t do your due diligence at all when picking her. Don’t marry this chick or you will be in for a world of hurt
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